Here we are again – the season of New Year’s resolutions. Have you made any yet? How do you rate your chance of sticking to them? I don’t want to dishearten you, but according to research in the US 23% of people quit their resolution by the end of the first week and 43% by the end of January. But, and this is a good ‘but’, people who make a new year’s resolution are 10 x more likely to keep to it than people who make resolutions in other ways. So, it’s definitely worth doing.
If you’re reading this blog then either you’re someone who’s struggling with your porn use or you care about someone who is. Deciding to quit porn is a big decision and people do it for many different reasons. For some it’s part of a general digital-detox, for others it’s because they feel porn is having a negative impact on their relationships and their general sense of well-being and for others it’s because they feel they’ve become addicted to it. If you fall into the category of the latter, you’ve probably tried to quit porn before and failed. In fact, you may have tried to quit porn many, many times, and failed. So how can you make this year different?
What does abstinence mean?
First, let’s look at what you’re giving up. Precisely, explicitly what you’re giving up. Look at the list below – which would you tick?
- Porn websites
- Sex work sites
- Hook-up sites
- All sexually explicit material including erotic images on social media such as twitter, Instagram, TikTok and news and community sites
- Fantasy about images I’ve previously seen
- Fantasy about generalised images
- Masturbation
- Any orgasm, solo or partnered
A common problem that people face when they consider abstinence is that they haven’t thought through what they mean by that and then one of two things happens. Either you’ve left yourself a loop hole which leads to relapse, such as deciding to stop porn but continuing to follow a favourite porn star on TikTok, or continuing to fantasise about previous images seen. Or you set yourself unrealistic expectations, for example giving up orgasm completely and leaving yourself no way to enjoy your sexuality.
Giving up porn or giving up sex?
Getting into recovery from porn addiction does not mean giving up sex, whether solo or partnered, it means changing your relationship to sex. In the same way that someone recovering from an eating disorder needs to change their relationship to food, someone recovering from compulsive sexual behaviour needs to change their relationship to sex. Rather than using sex as a habitual way of managing uncomfortable emotions such as anger, loneliness, depression or anxiety, sex becomes something you do when you feel good. And when you masturbate without porn, ie when you masturbate mindfully, you’re no longer fuelling the old addictive pathways in your brain but creating new ones instead. It takes time and practice to be able to masturbate without porn or fantasy, but mastering the art is very much worth it. Mindful masturbation leads to positive self-esteem as well as improved sexual functioning and it can be a healthy way to enjoy your libido.
How to give up porn
To summarise, many people decide to give up porn as their new year’s resolution and you’ve got much more chance of being successful if you’re clear about precisely what it is you’re giving up. No loop-holes, but no unrealistic expectations either.
Learning to enjoy mindful masturbation can be a healthy way of enjoying your sexuality and ensuring that libido doesn’t sabotage your recovery.
And finally, remember that whenever we’re trying to give something up, we’ll be more successful if find things to ‘take up’ instead. As the saying goes – recovery is about what you take up, not what you give up.
If you want help to give up porn this year, try the new self-help resource from Pivotal Recovery. As well as tons of information, advice and tips n tricks, you’ll find detailed information on how to masturbate mindfully. And if you’d like to find out more about how therapy can support your journey or if you want more information about our highly successful recovery workshops and courses, you can use our ‘Talk to a Therapist’ service. Simply follow this link and choose a date and time that suits you best and we’ll help you find the best way of ensuring that 2024 is the year you gave up porn for good.
