How I overcome multiple addictions and what I discovered along the way
Over the course of my life, I have had multiple addictions. I guess I must still have many that perhaps I am not aware of, but for the ones I have been made of aware of that were destructive to my life and that I have managed to overcome, I have learned several things that hopefully can help you.
First, I’d like to put you into my mind as the person with the addiction and the problem I faced. The main overriding problem was that I did this ‘thing’, whatever it was, that I enjoyed. It was part of my life, one of my salvations, one of the small moments of enjoyment that I did not want to give up because if I gave it up, life would be sh*t in some way.
The other side of that is that while it was always something I loved doing, I was also aware that there was someone around me being hurt by that action.
This was the constant battle in my head of wanting to change but not wanting to change. Every time the addiction happened, it was because I really enjoyed it and every time I wanted to stop, it was from the guilt of the impact on others.
As an addict, when you see your addictions like this, it is very hard to stop… At least from my perspective it was/is. Maybe not all addicts are like I was, so I guess I can only talk from my own viewpoint, but for me it was impossible to stop while feeling this way. My own self-interest would always eventually win out in that battle and as soon as I’d start any form of cold turkey, I would wonder just how long I could ‘resist’ for. I’d wonder if it would be short or long enough to deserve a pat on the back for trying, but deep down knew it would not be forever. Because I didn’t really want it to be forever, why would I? I loved doing that thing.
The breakthrough for me on any addiction I have overcome is not to use willpower. For me personally, willpower is finite. There comes a point where it runs out and, not only that, our time here is limited so who wants to spend that time trying to force themselves to not do the things they really love doing?
No, I can say that personally, that method does not work for me. Instead, what does work for me is to try and figure out why has this happened to me.
When I have been an addict I would look around for people in the same boat as me and feel some confidence that I wasn’t that odd, or dumb, as there were ‘loads’ of people like me. I would not pay much attention to those not in the same boat as me as I’d just consider those people to be boring etc. And I’d think who in their right mind would want to live like that, as it just looks awful.
So, what has been my method if no willpower has been required?
As I mentioned before, for me it is about understanding why, and strangely, I have found that it is really down to looking at everything else in your life other than the addiction.
My journey has led me to realise that our brains are the thing that gets addicted, not our physical selves. Whilst this may sound a bit hippy, bear with me and let me explain.
Think about the thing that you are addicted to. Try and trace it back to the first times you did that thing, where it started…
Back then it was not so much of an addiction, obviously, as you were doing it for the first few times. It was possibly not causing anyone else any issues either in its original form.
But what probably happened is that you had a good, enjoyable time. Maybe you created some memories, maybe you laughed, maybe you just felt good… Whatever it was, it was potentially reasonably innocent fun.
But here is what happened in your head, if your brain works anything like mine…
Your brain received a hit of dopamine, and it had no idea what that thing you did means in human terms. It just remembered that dopamine can be gathered from whatever that action was. It could have been skydiving, it could have been taking drugs, it could have been sexual, it could have been playing a computer game, it could have been eating or drinking. It literally could have been anything but remember this important point – your brain does not distinguish between any of the above activities at this point – it just knows that activity is a source of dopamine.
Now as it turns out, dopamine can be dangerously addictive and once your brain finds a way of getting it, occasionally it takes control of your thoughts and sends you on a mission to get some. And the way it does this is by literally taking over your every thought and telling you to go and do ‘that thing’. Making you think ‘I like this’ – but in reality, you don’t like the activity – your brain makes you think you do as it wants the dopamine hit.
The addiction begins to start because as you get used to that activity, you no longer get the same thrill you did from that first time. So, your brain presses the button for dopamine from that activity harder – like it is saying ‘roll the dice again, see if we win this time’. And again, and again, and again.
You go back to it again and again, like a zombie and literally NOTHING can convince you that you don’t like this thing as your own brain is telling you that you love it!
So how did I get out?
Once you can accept that thing you are doing is not something you love but instead is the brains ‘go to’ for dopamine, you can start to look around at your life. You can say to yourself – what is going on or not going on in my life that is leaving me in the situation whereby I am not getting dopamine from anywhere else? Or what is causing me so much hidden stress that my brain keeps freaking out and making me look for this thing to cheer me up?
Think of it like this… Imagine you are addicted to using your phone, or smoking, or drinking or anything else. But today, you are going on a trip with the people who are most precious to you in your life. Every single moment of the day and the night will be filled with fun and laughter. Every moment will be an activity or a conversation.
From my own experience, I’d say this could go one of two ways…
Version 1: You have a good time but occasionally think about when you’ll next get to do your addiction.
Version 2: You won’t think about your addiction at all but feel like not every day can be like that.
If the answer has ever been version 1, I think that means you are not actually enjoying yourself fully. You have not let go and just immersed yourself in the day. You have not thought ‘I’m going for full on fun today and nothing else’ but instead have kept a few hidden thoughts going and are not 100% present in the day.
If the answer is version 2, you have just experienced a new form of dopamine. A new destination. Your brain would love to go back and do it all the time, and if you could, it would the slowly start to learn that was the easiest way for it to get dopamine, and it would start making you think about that more than the old addiction.
Something important I have learned from this is that whilst I said willpower was not required, being fully conscious of what is going on inside your head is required.
For instance, when the addiction thought appears, I can smile to myself and think, ‘ha, I know what you’re looking for here – it is not a drink, sex, drugs etc, but you’re depressed or stressed in some way, and I can think to myself, what has happened and what shall I do next to cheer myself up.
And guess what? It works.
It works so well that I have overcome addictions I could never have imagined possible. Deep rooted things I have been addicted to for decades.
The key thing for me is the breakthrough moment when you manage to figure out this thing you are doing is not what you thought, but instead is a dopamine hit. That’s it – nothing more, nothing less. And if you don’t find other, less destructive ways to get your dopamine, you will never, ever convince your brain that you don’t love that thing.
The final example I want to give is of my son as I feel many will be able to relate with this. He is a teenager, and he loves playing FIFA on his computer. He plays it all the time; I would not say that it particularly causes him any major issues in life, but it is clearly an addiction.
But not to him. To him, he just loves playing FIFA.
Except – for most of the time that he plays it – he is p*ssed off. Someone he was playing just cheated, or the computer scored a cheat goal, or the game is too easy, or too hard or too repetitive – but he keeps going back and can play for hours… Why?
Because the first times he played it, his brain got a dopamine hit.
His brain doesn’t know what FIFA is. It just takes him there on autopilot as his life is still in its infancy, so it’s the brains first choice. And once he is playing and not really enjoying it, the brain presses the buttons in his brain harder and says, ‘keep playing, I haven’t had dopamine yet’. Until at some point, something half decent happens or until he eventually gives up. Either way, come to the end of the session, he will undoubtedly be in a worse mood than he was when he started.
He doesn’t like FIFA. His brain likes dopamine.
Your brain is the same.
If you’re beginning to recognise these addiction patterns in your own life, you don’t have to figure it all out alone. Use our Talk to a Therapist service to speak to one of our trained therapists and see how we could help.
