The festive season is finally upon us and whilst this can be a time of enjoyment for many, for those struggling with sex addiction, it can bring about some challenging emotions and be a hot bed for triggers. Christmas often involves a lot of socialising in environments that are rife with triggers and for some in recovery from sex addiction, this can present a big test.
This is also a challenging time for partners, especially those who are struggling with powerful feelings of betrayal and hurt by their partner’s compulsive behaviours. Christmas is a time for family and friends with a great emphasis on having fun, expressing love and gratitude, as well as hope for the incoming new year. Understandably, partners will struggle to embrace this as they reluctantly play ‘happy families’, all whilst carrying the burden of their partner’s (most likely secret) addiction. It is an incredibly tough position to find yourself in and unsurprisingly, it takes a toll on your mental health.
Alcohol and mental health
According to a recent survey, almost two-thirds of UK drinkers plan to drink more alcohol over Christmas than they typically would at other times of the year, and over half of them expect to have more spontaneous drinking sessions. During December, people enjoy more social events and more alcoholic drinks than ever, often regardless of the time of day or week. In short, Christmas gives people licence to be ‘extra boozy, extra loosey’ and we very much take advantage of that. The problem is that alcohol remains just as harmful at Christmas as it does during the rest of the year and going overboard during December is going to damage our mental health and potentially, make relationship difficulties worse. It will certainly have an impact on recovery, be it from addiction or betrayal trauma, and set us up for the worst January blues.
We know for a fact that drinking alcohol (even in relatively small amounts) increases anxiety and depression which can lead to feelings of isolation, worthlessness and despair. We also know that alcohol causes people to get into accidents, injure themselves or others, and it also causes a loss in inhibitions and directly impairs our ability to make sensible decisions. Alcohol certainly has a big impact on our ability to manage emotions and many of us are guilty of emotional outbursts or over-sharing when under the influence.
Alcohol and sex addiction
For someone with sex addiction, an excessively boozy Christmas can significantly increase their chances of relapse by making it harder to manage difficult emotions. Christmas is not a joyful time for everyone, and people may want to soothe tough emotions through alcohol, perhaps as an alternative to sexual acting out. But drinking through the pain will only exacerbate those feelings and plunge us further into a downward spiral of potentially acting out.
Alcohol also makes it harder to make wise decisions as it lowers our inhibitions and impairs rational thinking. Even without the burden of porn or sex addiction, alcohol is the third most common reason given by those who have cheated on their partners, so it’s even harder with someone struggling with compulsive sexual behaviours. Moreover, often alcohol is consumed in social settings which means we may have more triggers and, if we drink a lot, less resilience.
For partners, knowing that their other half will be especially vulnerable to triggers during the boozy, festive season will undoubtedly cause anxiety. Remember, trust has already taken a huge blow so it’s perfectly understandable to feel uneasy and distressed. Furthermore, if a partner is drinking heavily themselves, these emotions will only be exacerbated and amplified. For partners still struggling with the betrayal of sex addiction, drowning your sorrows and masking the pain may feel hugely tempting. But the reality is choosing to be mindful and cut down boozing during this stage is a hugely beneficial act of self-care.
If you’re in early recovery from sex addiction or porn addiction, or you’re the partner of someone who is, it would be wise to consider having a booze-free Christmas. If this is too difficult, try cutting down and drinking more mindfully.
How to stay sober this Christmas
So here are some holiday survival tips to help you cut back on your booze, manage the inevitable difficult emotions the season will bring and survive the festive season.
1 – Embrace all the other special treats that Christmas brings
Believe it or not, Christmas isn’t all about the booze. Although you may not believe in Santa Clause anymore, you can still enjoy the magic of Christmas through exploring the markets, shows and fun fairs. Think ice-skating, beautiful light shows and delicious, sweet treats and you’ll be amazed how much Christmas spirit can found without alcoholic spirits. If you have children, maybe check out your local panto and (if you’re not personally a fan) enjoy the laughter and joy it brings your children. If you look a bit more closely, you’ll find there are plenty of festive events that don’t revolve around alcohol.
2 – Utilise alcohol-free options
When you can’t or don’t want to avoid alcohol altogether, consider alternative drinks. The alcohol-free drinks market has vastly improved over the past few years. If you don’t want to spend your evenings sipping on a lemonade, there are now plenty of genuinely good-tasting alcohol-free options to enjoy from mulled wine, spiced rums to a huge variety of different flavoured beers. Nowadays, there are also some delicious low alcohol (2-3%) beers available which can help if you simply want to pace yourself a bit rather than cut out alcohol entirely.
3 – Take the focus off your relationship and enjoy time with other loved ones
Playing ‘happy families’ and expressing joy and affection for your partner may feel like an impossible task when you’re dealing with the fall-out sex addiction causes, especially if it’s early days. But remember, Christmas is not just about your other half and romantic love. It’s also for parents, children, nephews, nieces, siblings, and of course, friends. When your primary relationship feels uncertain, lean on and embrace the love of others and bask in the glow of their festive joy. If you have young children, enjoy seeing the magic and wander in their eyes as they open their gifts from Santa. If it’s impossible to find joy in your relationship right now, it’s ok to look for it elsewhere over the festive period.
4 – Treat yourself and devote time to self-care
If you’re one of those people who experience feelings of loneliness or low self-esteem at Christmas, remember to spend time taking care of yourself. You’ll be surprised how much money you save whilst not drinking so why not treat yourself to something else you might enjoy like tickets to a show, a nice meal out with a friend or maybe that new coat you’ve had your eye on. Take bubble baths, go on long runs – whatever helps you relax and let off steam. Christmas can be about self-care as well as other people so make sure you’re being kind to yourself and giving yourself what you need.
5 – Enjoy the benefits and remember, Christmas isn’t forever!
If you decide to have a booze-free/low-booze Christmas, that also means a hangover-free, hangxiety-free and (most likely) guilt-free Christmas too. Instead of feeling the need to do an extreme detox come 2025, you’ll be feeling lighter, fresher, and better prepared to take on the new year. Of course, the new year will come with challenges as you navigate the road of recovery from sex addiction and betrayal trauma. But by reducing your Christmas boozing, you will certainly put yourselves in the strongest position to succeed.
Conclusion
For those struggling with sex addiction, avoiding alcohol over the festive period will help keep triggers at bay. You may still find yourself battling difficult emotions or cravings but, (at the very least), you will be far better equipped to handle them and stay strong. You will be able to trust yourself more, relax and spend more quality time with your partner, friends and family and even with yourself.
For partners, avoiding alcohol will also help with managing difficult emotions and staying strong through a period where you may want to ‘put on a brave face’. Drinking alcohol may seem like a tempting way to dull the pain and escape, but the reality is it will only make you feel worse by bringing those difficult feelings to the surface and robbing you of your ability to recognise and fulfil your own needs.
Above all, remember that the Christmas period will end! During this festive season, you and your partner may have decided to introduce a ‘ceasefire’ and put your problems on hold for the sake of children or other loved ones, but this won’t last forever. The new year will come, for better or for worse. But at least, that brave face can slip away as work on rebuilding your lives and restoring your sense of peace resumes.
So perhaps this Christmas: eat, don’t drink (or drink less)… and be surprised by how merry you can feel.
Help and support for sex addiction
If you find yourself struggling this Christmas, be it due to your own behaviours or your partner’s, you can reach out to the team at The Laurel Centre via our ‘Talk to a Therapist’ service. Here you can book an introductory appointment with one of our therapists to discuss your needs and potential next steps.
