If you thought the questions and confusion surrounding whether sex can be addictive was unclear, it is even more the case when it comes to love addiction. Since the inclusion of CSBD (Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder) in ICD-11, research into compulsive sexual behaviours (commonly known as sex or porn addiction) has substantially increased. But to date, the research on love addiction is still very limited. Nonetheless, ‘love addiction’ is a widely used term by the public and some CSBD professionals, so it’s important to understand what it means and how it differs to sex or porn addiction.
What is a love addiction?
The term ‘love addiction’ is used to describe an obsessive and compulsive pursuit of a relationship, sometimes also referred to as a romance, fantasy or intensity addiction. In essence, they are addicted to the rush of ‘falling in love’ and this may present as bouncing from one romance to the other in quick succession, or affairs and/or obsessions with unavailable or unobtainable partners. Whilst those with love addiction may feel their behaviour is a sincere search for intimacy, the reality is that they are more preoccupied with ‘the chase,’ than the actual individual or potential bond. Whatever the behaviour, whether serial affairs, endless flirtations or short-term relationships, the chosen behaviour becomes compulsive and a primary coping mechanism. For people with love addiction, a pattern soon develops that while they appear to be seeking a meaningful relationship where they feel loved, as soon as the relationship matures from the lust and attraction phase into deeper attachment, the love addict moves on. Some people with love addiction find themselves trapped in long-term abusive relationships, continually seeking love. Like someone with sex or porn addiction, despite the harmful consequences to their self-esteem and often their safety, they’re compulsively driven to seek their partner’s affection and positive regard. This comes from a simultaneous fear of both abandonment and intimacy which often originates in childhood.
How does love addiction start?
Like many other addictions and compulsive behaviours including sex and porn, love addiction has its roots in attachment impairments and early relational trauma. All children need love, care and attention during those crucial formative years and if that support is absent, in adulthood, they may seek comfort in substances and behaviours instead of other people. Often for those struggling with love addiction, there is a history of enmeshed relationships within the family, particularly with a parent. Enmeshment is a term used to describe when a parent identifies too closely with their child, blurring the boundaries and family roles, and uses their child (consciously or unconsciously) to service their own emotional needs. They may treat their child as a surrogate partner or confidant, and in the worst cases, there can be overt or covert sexual abuse. Understandably, a child may interpret this connection as a close and healthy parent-child bond but, in reality, this lack of boundaries impairs the child’s ability to communicate their own needs, and they can end up feeling violated or controlled. Consequently, they may try to recreate this kind of relationship in adulthood by ‘being good’ and always attending to the needs of others at the expense of their own. In return, they may expect to be loved unconditionally – the remnant of a childhood need that no partner can ever meet. The love addict ends up trapped in a futile cycle where their childlike dependence on this feeling of undivided attention and affection becomes an endless pursuit to be achieved, regardless of how short-lived the experience may be.
Love addiction vs. Sex addiction
Like sex and porn addiction, love addiction is characterised by a pattern of behaviour that feels out of control – behaviour that the individual is unable to stop in spite of significant harmful consequences. But it is the search for what is perceived as ‘true love’ and romance that they crave, rather than sex, although they may well wrongly conflate the two. They may confuse all sexual encounters with genuine intimacy or use it as a way of soothing the emotional pain of failing to find their perfect relationship. Ultimately, the greatest similarity love addiction shares with sex addiction is that the behaviour is primarily about ‘the chase’ and the resulting feelings of power or affirmation. Love addiction isn’t really about love in the same way that sex addiction isn’t really about sex. People are hooked on the process of attraction and resulting buzz rather than any overt sexual behaviour.
Female sex and love addiction – FSLA
It may well be that the ‘love addict’ is, indeed, a sex addict, but they prefer the term love addict and it’s important to understand this frame of reference. Some prefer the idea of love addiction as they recognise the buzz is from the pursuit, not sex, whereas for others, the preference may come from a place of shame due to societal stigma surrounding sexuality and a high sex drive. This is particularly the case for women who often prefer the term Female Sex & Love Addiction (FSLA). Unfortunately, it is still the case that whilst men may be congratulated or admired for having multiple sexual partners, women are far more likely to be shamed for this.
Help and support
Love addiction and sex addiction share many similarities including probable causes rooted in attachment difficulties, presentation of behaviours and the inability to change despite the negative impact on their lives and the desire to stop. As mentioned, there is still very little research on the concept of love addiction and therefore, even more debate on whether it really exists. But fundamentally, like sex or porn addiction, there are many people seeking help for these issues and the client’s interpretation of their situation needs to be considered and valued. There are certainly underlying issues that need to be addressed and worked through and arguably, the term used to describe the problem is irrelevant, provided the treatment approaches are appropriate and integrative.
If you think you might be struggling with love or sex addiction and want to speak with a professional, why not try our Talk to a Therapist service and find out how we can help and support you.
