Honest advice needed

[Flothebeagle]

I'm in desperate need of some wise words and advice. In 2007 i discovered that my husband had been meeting a couple for sex. We decided to stay together and went for coupke therapy. The therapist gave advice that my husband needed thrills and let him watch porn.  Never did a thought come into my mind i had married a sex addict. From 2007 until 2019 i caught my husband using porn. He dismissed this and said he wouldnt do it again and made excuses that most men do so why do i have a problem. In 2022 my husband discolsed he had been seeing sex workers. He duscolsed that in 2020 he had visited a sex worker once and then in 2022 he visited twice. I was devestated. We decided to stay together with help.

My husband  attended therapy and i could see a change, this was the first-time anyone had duscussed sex addiction wuth us. My husband cried listening to Paula Halls ted talk on YouTube. I thought yes we have discovered the problem we can sort this out. Porn was blockef on our home internet and on mobile devices. However in October2023 he accessed porn he discovered a way around the blocked adult sites.

The use of porn of caused what my husband says to escalate and he confessed on 2/1/24 that he had had sex with a sex worker again.

My works shattered. I had underestimated the situation. Once again agreements were made to see a new therapist. However I kept asking questions I knew something wasn't right. Two wks on from his confession my husband had a small Crack in his amour. He told me had lied about the prostitute but it was actually a man he had gad sex with. I was devastated.  I was numb and empty inside.

The very next morning as I was about to leave to go to work he said do you want to hear it all in a frantic manner.  I thought knew it all. I didn't. He said he had been using pornographic material since the age of 9, masterbating twice a day since the age of 9. It increased to 5 times a day.  He visited sex workers in 2006, couple for multiple times in 2007, sex with men, sex clubs and now back to sex with men.

We're at the point of holding our 31 yr relationship together. He is in therapy and attending the a 12 step support group. I have asked so many questions which he has answered. To be honest more questions than I really needed as know I have mental pictured in my brain.

I don't know what the future will hold but I have buring question inside that I need some advice on.

I can't understand why he has had sexual interactions with men if he isn't bisexual. I have questioned him on this he says it was a free thrill and the easy accessibility. He says acting out with couples is time consuming, he has to pay to see sex workers and pay to go to sex clubs and I'd see more money disappearing. Whereas the men are easy to hook up with. 

I need some strong healthy advice on whether porn can escalate to have sex with the same sex and the person isn't bisexual. As this as I am so confussed about and I realise an addict lies and manipulates and I have had this done to me since we met 31yrs ago.  I would be grateful for any advice thank you.

 

[Chandon]

@Flothebeaglehello I’m so sorry you have to turn to us here for support. There is a wealth of advice but it can be often days or weeks before someone reaches out so hang in there. 

Our stories are similar but some of the behaviours are different. Unfortunately I can’t answer your question.

I’ve heard from my husband who has also been gripped by this addiction from a young age that the behaviour is often a dissatisfying disappointment but he just had to do it. He says he had absolutely no control. Porn definitely creates the appetite for the next level, the next thing  

My husband is in good recovery and enjoys helping others to find peace without the constant need to self medicate and the hated need to degrade himself. 

I’ve spoken to people with similar behaviours you describe and they say that yes they would act out without the need to be attracted, like, concern or appreciation for the person.  The age, size, gender, body type or personality did not matter. The addiction  leads to objectification. My husband describes it as “ going where the drugs are”   

I’ve been told the same account you describe where the complications of SW, couples and affairs is more difficult to hide and access. 

Im sure others here will be able to offer you better advice. I’m sorry you had to go through so many years of betrayal and hurt before you discovered what was really going on. I myself know the pain you are going through after 30 years together. My advice to you both is to talk , research, share and understand. 

You can leave, separate or stay together at any time. There is no need to decide right now. Watch your husband and see how he progresses now that he has the support of others who use addiction to cope. Reach out anytime and I’m going to DM you 

take care x
 

[Jmpc68]

Hi @FlothebeagleI agree with @Chandon as I am also in a similar situation. My husband did not have gay sex but everything else is a carbon copy of your relationship.

I have spoke to men who are sex addicts who have turned to gay sex and the common reason given was accessibility and also that money didn’t change hands so it was easier due to shared finances.

Your priority at this moment is you, you cannot afford to worry about his recovery as it isn’t something you have control of (believe me I know how hard it can be), it’s natural to want to know what they are doing, where they are going. But that will be to your detriment, focus on yourself, eat well, exercise, even if it’s just going for a walk. Get as much rest as you’re able. Spend time with friends, family (you don’t need to tell them what is going on in your relationship if you decide not to) but finding joy and some happiness will be of comfort to you.

You can support him and help him find resources eg therapy SAA but you can’t make him use them if he doesn’t want to.

As Chandon says stay, leave, in-house separation aren’t things to prioritise at the minute, 6-12 months before making any major decisions was the best advice I ever received. 
My husband and I are still together after discovery January 2023, it has been the hardest year of my life but we are now happy again. The fact I now have the choice to stay based on knowledge and not from being lied to and manipulated is something I’m proud of, it takes just as much courage to stay as it does to leave.

Im here if you need any advice or help on what worked for me. 
Take care and sending lots of your way.

[Jordan]

I am so sorry. I’m in a similar situation. My husband mostly acted out with men for years, I never knew. Finally came out when he got an std and landed him in the hospital for a week. I have read and researched everything and constantly asked him why men. The best explanation we both have found was in a book titled Mending A Shattered Heart by Carnes. Read chapter twelve and also have your husband read it and see if anything stands out. Most days I still don’t trust my husband on his sexuality. He claims all lustful thoughts for men are gone now that he is out of the addiction. Again, I am so sorry. Please message me if you want to talk more! 

[sonia]

Thank you for your replies, I have read and listened to vast amounts on sex addiction for the last month.  I feel I'm now getting an insight into this addiction. May I ask if anyone has asked their partner to take a polygraphy test? Or has your partner taken one? Is polygraphy testing something as partners we need to ask for or is this me trying to control the situation?  I'm wondering if this is the direction I need to go in the next months and for our life if we stay togethet? Just to identify if my husband had acted out or not?

I've also done the thing that therapist state not to ask which is the details. I've now got vast amounts of images of my husband in acts going round my head in detail. I wonder now if I will always look at him and visualize these images in my head.

My next racing thought is how can someone stop this behaviour if it's been part of their life since the age of 9? Which is the age he started using pornographic material. He only has me, husband therapist and 12 step group. No friends as porn has been his friend.  

I thank you for your responses and just for listening. I've realised life is a very lonely place.

 

[Jmpc68]

Hi @soniaim in the Uk and polygraph testing isn’t the norm here, to be fair they aren’t reliable enough to be used in court so it isn’t something I would rely on anyway.

I did far too much digging at discovery and now know more than was healthy for me. I recommend that people get full disclosure but not the details. The reason I feel this is because as you stated, the horrible mind movies that torment you especially in the early months. I promise it does get easier, or at least most betrayed partners I’ve spoken to along with myself have found this to be the case. It won’t be perfect and there will be moments it jumps into your brain but handling it gets better the more you heal yourself.

Can they stop? Thousands upon thousands of addicts have managed to stop their acting out behaviours because they wanted to be rid of it and to have a better more fulfilling life with real connections. They have to continually make sure they maintain their recovery, therapy SAA meetings, fellowship etc but yes it is possible. My husband has been sober since d/day January 2023, and although it’s early days I can honestly say that the man he is today was robbed for 35 years of being an amazing human by his addiction, he has so much more zest for life and is on the whole much happier. He likes his life more now and more importantly he now likes himself. 
I wish you all the best and I’m here if you need any advice or just someone to listen x

[sonia]

Thank you for your responses, how do you private message other users on this site? I'm struggle to find out how. I'm not very good with technology thank you everyone x

[Firefly]

Sonia, At the top right of screen are 3 bars and that opens up a menu. Again top right you will see a bell, envelope and warning triangle. Click on envelope and select compose new. You will be able to select a user and add message. 
 

You are still a new user so the function may not yet be showing but I don’t have access to tell that.

Hope that helps. Best wishes.