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  1. Last week
  2. Hi @Sen19 I can totally relate to what you said about your relationship. I myself knew that throughout my 35 year relationship that there were volatile and sometimes even toxic times in our marriage. I could never put my finger on why, obviously after DDay it all made sense. I spent years fighting with him to understand why we had so many happy times for it to blow up at various stages. The bad times were occurring when he was in his acting out cycles, his guilt and shame caused him to become isolated and his coping mechanisms were to enter fight mode and become defensive about every aspect of his life. Arguments caused distance between us which made it easier for him to hide what was happening. I do wish sometimes that I had been a little less argumentative myself but we can’t change the past. It’s taken me over 12 months of therapy to be at the stage where I know I’m staying out of choice and not through fear or codependency. Be kind to yourself at present, alcohol and drug addiction are so different to sex addiction as it feels so personal but it honestly has nothing to do with us. Take care and if I can help in anyway please reach out.
  3. Sonia, At the top right of screen are 3 bars and that opens up a menu. Again top right you will see a bell, envelope and warning triangle. Click on envelope and select compose new. You will be able to select a user and add message. You are still a new user so the function may not yet be showing but I don’t have access to tell that. Hope that helps. Best wishes.
  4. Thank you for your responses, how do you private message other users on this site? I'm struggle to find out how. I'm not very good with technology thank you everyone x
  5. The fact this thread started in 2017 and is still active is gut wrenching, but I’m glad I found this. I’m 3 weeks from DDay, shocked to find out my husband’s been seeing sex workers for 3.5 years, started when I was pregnant with our second daughter. We’ve been together 11 years, and married for 1.5. He’s always been a good husband and father, and I saw him as a decent and loyal person. And he’s always been very sexually attracted to me, complimenting my appearance and body, and initiated heaps of sex (a bit more than I wanted to). There was no reason to doubt any type of infidelity… Though one thing I’ll admit is that our relationship had lots of ups and downs (well, volatile tbh…). We’ve been through a lot, including he’s alcohol addiction and recovery. He’s been in recovery for 7 years, not a single drop until the weekend before DDay, and that was also how I found out about the sex worker visits when snooping around on his phone. Needless to say, my world’s been turned upside down… again… Lots of talking happened since, from the way he described his reasons, actions, feelings surrounding the visits I could instantly tell that this is a form of addiction. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, but the some parts in me takes some kind of comfort in knowing that it was an addiction and there was no emotions or love involved. What I was not expecting though was my reaction of “keep him and help him, no matter what”. Gosh it’s a legit fear of mine - fear of losing him, and the fear of him not wanting to work on us anymore - and it puzzles the heck out of me. I have a good job (more than enough to support myself and both daughters), I have some emotional support, and my daughters will be better off knowing their mum stood up for herself. But why can’t I seem to leave him? Anyone else feeling the same or similar? Does this feeling go away?
  6. Does anyone else ever feel guilty for staying with their partner after finding out about their sex addiction? My husband hasn’t visited a sex worker in 6 months and whilst I am proud of him, I am currently struggling with my own sense of self regarding my decision to stay and not leave. I have always rationalised that there are so many good parts to the relationship and that if he were addicted to anything else then I probably wouldn’t question the decision to stay. I was just wondering how others manage with these feelings.
  7. Earlier
  8. @dallasreeves94 and Anna, I’m going through this now with my partner. I have no idea how I even found myself on this forum lol, from googling things about porn addiction probably. Last Sunday my boyfriends car was repossessed and I of course being the loving unsuspecting amazing girlfriend I am, bailed his butt out of that situation, only to demand seeing his bank account and what he’s been spending his money on to end up in a situation like this. Only to see that there’s hundreds of dollars worth of only fans purchases from one single girl. I had NO idea he had a porn addiction. We had intimacy issues and I felt undesired by him but he’d reassure he feels awkward, shy and fears rejection so he was scared to compliment me or whatever, or just say he’s forgetful. Turns out he was spending all his energy and sexual gratification on some girl on only fans for three months. I have no idea where I’m going with this… the subreddit love after porn has been helpful so far.
  9. Thank you. I'm trying to keep positive and moving forward x
  10. Hi Tracy, Your post really resonated with me. I've only discovered this forum this morning and am still reeling from a similar discovery 2 weeks ago. You're not alone. I've found Paula Hall's book "Sex Addiction: the Partner's Perspective" really, really useful. My husband and I have both started individual therapy which is really beneficial - particularly for helping you deal with the betrayal trauma. I'm finding the hardest thing to deal with is feeling like the last 2 decades together have been a deceitful construction. My therapist has assured me that my husband is the same person I fell in love with, there's just a hidden side I don't understand (and he doesn't either!). For what it's worth (and as I say, I'm in the very early stages of discovery too), the advice I've received so far is: A) be kind to yourself, one day at a time B) don't make any big decisions for a few months C) focus on your own personal growth and self esteem D) get support, you need to offload E) acquire knowledge about the subject F) stay off the drink. I'm a daily gin drinker, but I've been avoiding alcohol since discovery. The last thing I need is to become dependent on it to control my mood (after all, that's where he's at, just with a different addiction). Plus I need to be able to drive away if I'm having a particularly bad reaction to a trigger. I've only just joined the page, but feel free to message. The grief, betrayal and isolation that partners feel with this addiction are heartbreaking and its good to offload and share xx
  11. Hi @soniaim in the Uk and polygraph testing isn’t the norm here, to be fair they aren’t reliable enough to be used in court so it isn’t something I would rely on anyway. I did far too much digging at discovery and now know more than was healthy for me. I recommend that people get full disclosure but not the details. The reason I feel this is because as you stated, the horrible mind movies that torment you especially in the early months. I promise it does get easier, or at least most betrayed partners I’ve spoken to along with myself have found this to be the case. It won’t be perfect and there will be moments it jumps into your brain but handling it gets better the more you heal yourself. Can they stop? Thousands upon thousands of addicts have managed to stop their acting out behaviours because they wanted to be rid of it and to have a better more fulfilling life with real connections. They have to continually make sure they maintain their recovery, therapy SAA meetings, fellowship etc but yes it is possible. My husband has been sober since d/day January 2023, and although it’s early days I can honestly say that the man he is today was robbed for 35 years of being an amazing human by his addiction, he has so much more zest for life and is on the whole much happier. He likes his life more now and more importantly he now likes himself. I wish you all the best and I’m here if you need any advice or just someone to listen x
  12. Hi @Deoit always pains me when someone new arrives on here, this addiction is so much more prevalent than most people know. Unfortunately for us it has become a hard hitting reality. Your husband must find out the root of why he uses sex to numb himself from life. My husband came from an abusive childhood at the violent, drunken hands of his father and an emotional mother who couldn’t/wouldn’t defend her children. Due to your husband repressing his feelings, lying and manipulating it will take time for him to learn to communicate and confide in you. I’m 14 months out from discovery and it is still sometimes like communicating with a manchild. But it’s progress not perfection. Please understand that your value is not defined by your husband, you are a unique human being (there is literally only one of you on this planet)! Lots of self care is what you need and require at the minute. I always say we can support our wayward partners but their recovery is theirs alone. You should look into therapy for yourself as your poor nervous system is in trauma. I found besides talk therapy that somatic healing and EMDR to be really beneficial for handling triggers. Please look at setting boundaries, no passwords on any devices, no turning off location settings or the cctv. If boundaries are broken there have to be consequences which you must set, eg inhouse separation or even a time set out of house separation. Hopefully your husband is able to start therapy again and really should be doing SAA meetings online or in face at least weekly. My husband found Paula’s Pivotal to be a tremendous help. Please feel free to reach out if you need anyone to talk to and take care, lots of rest, eat well and exercise x
  13. Thank you for your replies, I have read and listened to vast amounts on sex addiction for the last month. I feel I'm now getting an insight into this addiction. May I ask if anyone has asked their partner to take a polygraphy test? Or has your partner taken one? Is polygraphy testing something as partners we need to ask for or is this me trying to control the situation? I'm wondering if this is the direction I need to go in the next months and for our life if we stay togethet? Just to identify if my husband had acted out or not? I've also done the thing that therapist state not to ask which is the details. I've now got vast amounts of images of my husband in acts going round my head in detail. I wonder now if I will always look at him and visualize these images in my head. My next racing thought is how can someone stop this behaviour if it's been part of their life since the age of 9? Which is the age he started using pornographic material. He only has me, husband therapist and 12 step group. No friends as porn has been his friend. I thank you for your responses and just for listening. I've realised life is a very lonely place.
  14. Hello all, I am glad to have come across this group, about two years ago I realised my husband was having an affair with a work colleague. So I thought only to realised he has had multiple affairs in our 20 years of marriage. He started seeing a therapist with Paula Hall, we put boundaries in place a CCTV camera in the house and shared our location this seems to work for some times only just to find out that my husband had switched of the camera in my absence and had acted out. I felt like the world was crashing down just when I thought I was regaining trust, I have never had a therapist myself and I am really struggling. My husband wants to start therapy again and I am so confused and so pained, my husband said he can not control himself and he finds it difficult to confined in me. The house is tensed I feel very worthless and feels I have lost myself value.
  15. Hi my reply was in answer to @JEEM83asking the question why? I perhaps hadn’t made this clear, but without telepathy no one except her husband can answer that.
  16. Just to say I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t think I agree with the other reply, that only your husband knows the answer. I’d say this is definitely addictive behaviour, even if it’s not outer circle acting out. Have you set explicit boundaries? If not I’d do that and spell out what is and isn’t acceptable to you, and what you will do to protect yourself if different boundaries are crossed. I think he needs to be able to see why this is addictive behaviour and acknowledge that to himself if he’s going to get back on track. This should clearly be in his middle or outer circle. It’s also fully in your rights to insist that he discusses this with his therapist. And also to ask him to broker a direct conversation between you and his therapist so that you can be sure. Your psychological safety matters and he has breached your trust here. Final thought: an alcoholic doesn’t try a drink to see if they can resist drinking more. Testing yourself is just not a thing in addiction.
  17. Hi @JEEM83 I’m so sorry for your pain and anguish. Unfortunately no one except your husband truly knows the answer to your question. We as partners know the absolute trauma of what this addiction does to us and the fear we hold inside of what if….? and I honestly feel for you. Please be kind to yourself and lots of self care. Firstly I would be asking why he felt the need to test himself, sobriety is about doing what you say you are going to do, Pivotal, Fortify, self care, exercise, journaling and many more things. It is not putting unnecessary temptations or obstacles in your way. At no point are they expected to put themselves through tests. He cannot be keeping things from you, secrets are a big no and lies an absolute hell no! If he isn’t being transparent then he is reverting back to his old ways and this could be a slippery slope and the road to ruin. Fortnightly therapy may not be enough but I appreciate the money issues. Does he do SAA meetings, free and available various times all day every day. You need to take stock and go back to what boundaries you had in place at discovery. Did you have consequences such as in-house separation? Open phone and other devices? Weekly check-ins to discuss how you are both feeling? He has to keep putting in the work as it is when they become lax that the addiction (which is always waiting for an opening) can hijack them. Remind him that he has far more to lose..his marriage, morals and integrity, than he has to gain…shame, guilt and loss of values. I personally would need him to be honest with his therapist also as how can he be helped if he withholds information that is critical to his recovery. You are your priority, you hold the power to make your life the best it can be and you deserve to have a relationship where you aren’t afraid and anxious. As hard as it is you need to be firm and set boundaries to make yourself feel safer and also for there to be consequences when they are broken. There is always hope, if you both really want it, just be firm in what you need going forward and take some time to process everything before making any decisions. Please reach out if you need anything and hopefully others will be along to help soon x
  18. I shan't go into the whole story, but I discovered my husband’s addiction April - June 2022. He went straight into therapy, which was completely the wrong thing to do as the "therapist" was incredibly damaging and forced disclosure within 3 months. It turned out his disclosure was all lies. I then found he has been emailing extremely flirty emails from a secret account Nov 2022. He opened up about childhood abuse and said that was the only thing he was holding on too. I gave him a ultimatum... proper therapy, through the LC, or I'm walking. He started therapy. He has openly admitted that although he is always so anxious of his sessions, they help him so much. They're fortnightly, but I feel it should be weekly (although £££) He changed his Apple account, mobile number and told me, or at least lead me to believe, the email account was new. Last week I was looking (snooping) through his iPad and saw that he has emailed a woman recently. I immediately recognised the surname as he told me he had a fling with this person years ago. So, I emailed her. She confirmed he emailed her back in Jan, wishing her happy birthday. 5 emails in total were exchanged and absolutely nothing sexual. I confronted him and he said it was a test for him... to see if he could email someone and sustain. I am really struggling with this as why?? Why email an AO partner... one who thought she was in a 2/3-year relationship with (even though her only met her a handful of times) Went abroad with her on holiday. She was absolutely besotted and adored him... her own admission. I am really struggling to believe it was purely a test for him. Is this why he kept the email account? He also wiped the emails, although she sent me them. He has yet again kept a secret from me, when I recently asked him a direct question... have you felt the need to reach out, have middle circled etc... and he looked me in the eye and said no. I feel like he is not sober again and I am being fooled and manipulated. He has also kept this from his therapist, and I am not confident he will even mention it. I am extremely close to walking now as I can't bear this life anymore. As I say, he is swearing down it was a test for him. A stupid one without thinking of the consequences, but that is all it was. I am now in that place of despair and thinking he's still AO. Please can someone give me some hope
  19. Hi @Lenet4 I feel so sorry that you’re husband is implying that HIS addiction is in any way your fault. He is using manipulation like a child who wants his own way to be able to keep on using porn. He is most likely numbing pain (probably from childhood) and even if there is some other underlying reason it isn’t, wasn’t and never will be anything that you are responsible for. I wish I could turn back the clock and approach my husband regarding his addiction as it was a whirlwind of hell back in January 2023. I was very confrontational, accusatory and sometimes downright mean but I myself was traumatised by discovery. The likelihood is that your husband will try to excuse, minimise, lie or as he has before, use manipulation and then blame you for his issues. I would make notes of everything that you wish to address, and then insist on putting boundaries in place for your peace of mind. Porn blockers on all devices, password to be disclosed to same devices. No phone in bathroom etc, the list needs to be things you personally require. Chances are he will spit out his dummy and wail about how unfair it all is, but you must keep your boundaries. I mean is it right he objectifies other women and sees them as nothing more than objects to satisfy his lust and then expect you to be ok with it? I would recommend him attending SAA and looking for a therapist in sex/porn addiction. Obviously you cannot make him do any of these things but you will have answers as to whether or not he wants your relationship to work. They say no big decisions on staying or leaving for 6-12 months but it seems you’ve been dealing with this for a long time now. Maybe he thinks that you will always tolerate this and stay so he has no need to address it and change. You have the right to have a happy and healthy life and relationship, so maybe do some work on yourself also, I found journaling and mindfulness to be really helpful. Lots of self care and doing things that make you feel good. Have a look at the Rob Weiss podcasts and also the Wetonglen website for advice also. Reach out if you have any questions and hopefully others will be along with help soon.
  20. Lucid dreaming is often considered one of the rarest types of dream. In lucid dreams, the dreamer becomes aware that they are dreaming and can sometimes control the dream's narrative or environment. While some people naturally experience lucid dreams, others may learn techniques to induce them intentionally.
  21. Facts! Yes! 100%! Although addiction is a real thing, I think you were addicted to alcohol, porn, sex etc., you simply broke these addictions one by one. But ultimately what you're saying underpins the difference between abstinence and recovery. Recovery means learning to live your life mindfully, not just stopping unwanted numbing/exciting/escapist behaviour.
  22. Hi, looking for some advice, we're together 15 years and married 13. I've known for so long now (5 years +) and looking back it's always been an issue, he's on hundreds of sites a day. I've ask to discuss it but he gets so angry and implies it's my fault (he stopped physical relationship as soon as we married) as I'm frigid (I am now as hate what he looks at). I need experience of how you had conversation and how to start it and even if he gets angry how to continue talking and if needs be ending our relationship. I'm scared (always been scared of confrontation) is there anyway to make it go more smoothly Thanks
  23. I am so sorry. I’m in a similar situation. My husband mostly acted out with men for years, I never knew. Finally came out when he got an std and landed him in the hospital for a week. I have read and researched everything and constantly asked him why men. The best explanation we both have found was in a book titled Mending A Shattered Heart by Carnes. Read chapter twelve and also have your husband read it and see if anything stands out. Most days I still don’t trust my husband on his sexuality. He claims all lustful thoughts for men are gone now that he is out of the addiction. Again, I am so sorry. Please message me if you want to talk more!
  24. Hi is it possible for you to recommend your partner to this forum? We are here for you both, but she might need to speak with other partners who have experienced this behaviour and need help and support. We are here if you both need help and advice.
  25. So sorry you are going through this. I would only repeat the great advice above. I'm 6 months from finding out and understanding your feelings so clearly. Try to take care of yourself the best you can, don't put pressure on yourself to make any decisions right away. I promise things will start feel better, it just takes time and for the shock of the trauma to settle. I didn't think I could get through it when it happened to me, but I did and I'm out of the other side. You will get through this too. Paula Hall's book for partners is a resource I recommend and reading it helped me a lot. But I know it's very early days so again no pressure to do anything too difficult right now. Consider seeking out a therapist who is trained to deal with betrayal trauma, I've found so much support from mine. I've had great support from people on here, so please know that we are all here for you. Take care and sending you lots of love and strength xx
  26. Hi @Tracyyou have received some brilliant advice from @Chandon The journey you have found yourself on is going to be the toughest you’ve ever faced but I can promise you that everyone here will do our best to support, advice and hopefully guide you. We have all had to educate ourselves on the subject of sex/porn addiction and it is mind blowing how prevalent it actually is. The one thing that will eventually give you comfort (it will take lots of time) is that this addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you. Look at all the celebrities who are married to rich, beautiful and successful women who still have fallen into this addiction. Sex/porn addiction generally stems from faulty core beliefs that usually start in childhood, feelings of low self worth that allow this addiction to hijack their brains and self soothing from masturbation becomes their go to. Over time this no longer serves its purpose and escalates beyond their control and further risk taking is used until the dark passenger is now in control of their lives and it will do anything to prevent them gaining control and ridding themselves of this problem. Therapy and SAA are a must as it is not something they can control themselves. My husband found the Pivotal from Paula Hall to be his lightbulb moment. Please look after yourself, eat properly, sleep is a priority along with getting yourself some therapy. You are suffering from betrayal trauma and likely will have PTSD symptoms which you need to address. Please reach out if I can be of any help, sending you lots of love and hugs and please continue to visit here whenever possible.
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