Chandon

Hello Tracey, It’s so sad to hear the despair in your message. I’m 17 months into this and I can remember all the feelings of desperation you describe. It does get better please keep in contact on this forum. It can take a while for people to respond but the support is amazing. You are hurt, wounded, betrayed and broken but I will put a lot of money on the fact that your partner didn’t do this to you. The wounds from the behaviour has hurt you but the need to act this way has nothing to do with you but from way back before he ever knew you. I found great comfort learning about Sex addiction and understanding it. I still have wounds and triggers and our relationship is forever changed but I promise you whatever happens it does get better. Message me if you are in need of any help. I’m happy to assist with your recovery. I found Dr Robert Weiss extremely supportive. Look online, YouTube and seeking integrity for podcasts and lots of free educational media. Wetonglen is an amazing resource for partners at many stages of recovery let me know if you want any more information. Don’t make any decisions yet. Do nothing but survive and take good care of yourself. It’s all about you for now. Get your life jacked on and float. You won’t feel this way forever I promise x You can leave , tell friends, ruin everything at anytime but don’t do it hot headed and regret it later. Wait until things settle as you may feel differently in a few months.

Hello @Julie 2this behaviour is very typical from someone who is still not in active recovery. Until the secrets are out in the open the shame will feed the addiction. Encourage your husband that once he shares the need to use addiction he will feel less of a the need for it. It absolutely thrives in the shadows. Its not necessarily you that he needs to share the behaviour with but fellowships like SAA serve to support people to make choices that don’t result in them being chained to dysfunctional coping methods. Reach out here for support. Do you know where else you can find media and resources for this new discovery? If not message me and I will share some of the places online that I found really helpful when I was new to all of this. take care x

@Flothebeaglehello I’m so sorry you have to turn to us here for support. There is a wealth of advice but it can be often days or weeks before someone reaches out so hang in there. Our stories are similar but some of the behaviours are different. Unfortunately I can’t answer your question. I’ve heard from my husband who has also been gripped by this addiction from a young age that the behaviour is often a dissatisfying disappointment but he just had to do it. He says he had absolutely no control. Porn definitely creates the appetite for the next level, the next thing My husband is in good recovery and enjoys helping others to find peace without the constant need to self medicate and the hated need to degrade himself. I’ve spoken to people with similar behaviours you describe and they say that yes they would act out without the need to be attracted, like, concern or appreciation for the person. The age, size, gender, body type or personality did not matter. The addiction leads to objectification. My husband describes it as “ going where the drugs are” I’ve been told the same account you describe where the complications of SW, couples and affairs is more difficult to hide and access. Im sure others here will be able to offer you better advice. I’m sorry you had to go through so many years of betrayal and hurt before you discovered what was really going on. I myself know the pain you are going through after 30 years together. My advice to you both is to talk , research, share and understand. You can leave, separate or stay together at any time. There is no need to decide right now. Watch your husband and see how he progresses now that he has the support of others who use addiction to cope. Reach out anytime and I’m going to DM you take care x

Dr GaborMate is also another amazing resource on addiction. He is able to explain the behaviour so eloquently and asks “ not why the addiction, Why the pain? “ He explains all the behaviour is a mechanism of coping with things that you had no other way of managing in your past. Please take a look on YTube etc he’s an amazing resource for you and your partner to look at the big picture. For yourself have you been able to delve deep down and find out what it is that you are escaping, numbing out of or distracting yourself from. It’s not until you discover this and address it that you will be free from the lifetime of repetitive patterns that your brain has developed to keep you functioning. Once you can openly address this there will be no need for the behaviour. Good luck you sound like you will be ok and fight for your relationship. If your partner can see you are willing to fight for her she will listen to what you have to say. It’s a very difficult path and very easy for you both to walk away.

Ahh @Robertothis is both a joyous and sad post to read. Joyous that you are moving into a new chapter and your time here is becoming less meaningful however sad for us all as we wish you well. You were a source of support for me at many a point along my journey and it’s been a pleasure to read all your wisdom and share your generosity of kindness and compassion for all those you have interacted with. So long, I wish you both much happiness together and a big thank you for being available for us all x

I was told the definition of addiction is a behaviour or habit that it is causing you issues in your relationship, work or family life that you want to cease and have tried to cease but failed. You keep repeating the actions even though they cause you harm. There is so little help and support available unless you see a specialist in this area. I’m a partner and found a lot of support on Dr Robert Weiss podcasts and YTube. Also Wetonglen is a great resource for partners discovering that they are in a relationship with someone who uses addictive maladaptive behaviour to cope. There are lots of free resources out there that can help you both understand. Good luck in your recovery and in your desire to support your partner to understand.

@GGB70Im so sorry I missed your original message. Contact with people here can be a little intermittent so don’t let that put you off. You can private message anyone individually if you want to speak off the forum. Please reach out to people on this page as you will find amazing support for what is happening. My husband has completed the Laurel Centre 5 day program and I have completed the partners program. I can answer any questions you may have on that. The Laurel Centre have been very kind to us and although we still have so much work to do ourselves I can recommend both programs. It’s unfortunate that the old analogy of taking the horse to water is so true. No program is going to be effective unless you truly want a fresh start and a life without addiction and suffering. Take a look at some of my other posts where I list the places I’ve felt most support from and where you can get some help. Remember to reach out here whenever you need us. Take care.

@GGB70Im so sorry I missed your original message. Contact with people here can be a little intermittent so don’t let that put you off. You can private message anyone individually if you want to speak off the forum. Please reach out to people on this page as you will find amazing support for what is happening. My husband has completed the Laurel Centre 5 day program and I have completed the partners program. I can answer any questions you may have on that. The Laurel Centre have been very kind to us and although we still have so much work to do ourselves I can recommend both programs. It’s unfortunate that the old analogy of taking the horse to water is so true. No program is going to be effective unless you truly want a fresh start and a life without addiction and suffering. Take a look at some of my other posts where I list the places I’ve felt most support from and where you can get some help. Remember to reach out here whenever you need us. Take care.

I use Podcasts a lot. Dr Robert Weiss at seeking integrity, Hope for wives, Helping couples heal. WeTonglen is an amazing site full of so many resources It’s a safe community for partners and ex-partners of porn, sex, and love addicts to share their stories of healing and hope, and find comfort and support. Pam Blizzard on Facebook has 2 amazing communities that are a very safe and therapeutic place to get support with boundaries, finding safety and distancing yourself from any further hurt. Read all the past threads on this site. You will come to realise how common this situation is. Hang in there. It can be so lonely until you reach out to others in this situation. You can privately message anyone you feel you have a rapport with and support each other personally. I’ve met some amazing recovery friends this way. Take care x

You sound very similar to my partner who is a SA. He is neurodiverse and has issues with his parents particularly his mother. There is more for you to learn here. I can recommend Dr Rob Weiss podcasts. He is a very experienced addiction therapist who suffers with the same validation issues and had a very absent mother growing up which he states contributed to his need for addictive behaviour to cope. Lots of neurodivergence people describe using porn as a warm hug when they need it. From there it becomes the number one way to cope and then the only way to cope. This will escalate. Get yourself educated and ask on here for advice. There are so many kind people who are willing to share what they have experienced. Take care.

I do second the extremely valid points @Jmpc68has made in the response to @Anna Just looking at your response and seeing how many times the word YOU is used is so unhelpful. This is someone who already is addressing the relationship and looking at ways to make it work. I won’t repeat everything already said as it’s already been written so eloquently. By jmpc68. The problem here is not between Anna and her partner it’s her partners dysfunctional relationship with objectification, escapism, self soothing and use of material that causes him shame and to stay in that loop. His reliance on this behaviour at a cost to his primary needs and relationships. @Anna Please know that you never have to take responsibility for anything your partner has chosen or desires. Know that you are not deficient in any way or form and that a healthy relationship with intimacy is one to desire and that you should never need to change your behaviour at the cost of your integrity. Take care Anna there are so many people here who will support you and have great advice to help you wade through the difficult days x

@James1976it sound like you are making excuses. SAA meetings take place many times a day. You are able to put a great deal of effort and time to act out. In an act of love for yourself and your partner reach out for help. Your behaviour will escalate and you will find yourself in a very uncomfortable position wishing you took our advice. This disorder thrives in secret. You are protecting your addiction. I can assure you that great things will happen when you share your secret. take care and reach for help.

Second SAA. Your behaviour will only escalate in secrecy. You need to tell other people and the safest way to do this is with other people in a similar situation who will listen without prejudice. As soon as you let light on the darkness it starts to fade. I promise you you will not be able to make the changes you desire on your own you know that. You’ve tried that. Join an SAA zoom meeting this week. I promise you you will a sense of relief. Good luck. Only you can get the support you need and implement any changes.

A few things you say make me think of rejection sensitivity dysforia which can lead you down an easy route of avoiding real connections which are initially exciting but ultimately you know you are paying for someone to spend time with you. The lack of real connection keeps you in a cycle that only you can break. First you need to look into your past and see where this started, why could you feel that there is someone out there who won’t think you are amazing and want to be with you warts and all? Only then can you stop swallowing down the pain and numbing out. your body remembers even if your brain fools you into thinking it’s what you need. It’s a lot of work to dig deep into your past and analysis was your childhood good enough. Did it provide you with deep foundations, self respect and self worth. If not find out why. Then you can find a little compassion for why you are feeling this way. Only then when it’s out in the open can you begin to stand up to your habits and repeated script to act out even though it’s not meeting your needs. good luck it can be hard but it’s painful

I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. You have already shown the ability to help yourself through this by reaching out for help from others. I can only admire your resilience and to be here looking for support and offering the kind words to myself, Roberto and Runner. We are here for you if you need to share or connect. Sending love and support my love. Keep talking and let others help you.

@Wolves-fanI would recommend therapy and SAA. There is so much you already recognise in your story that has been a factor in your tastes and behaviour. Therapy will support you to look into your past and see how it has shaped you. SAA will allow you the community to recognise that it’s not just you. It is a safe place where you can speak with others and recognise your story in theirs. You will need to try several different meetings to find a one that you feel works for you. Good luck. Without therapy and a community of like sufferers your behaviour will continue and possibly escalate. You deserve a full happy life so make the choice to seek help and support.

Hello, first can I say you should be very proud that you have found yourself here and that you are asking for advice and support. Please don’t feel I’m patronising you. As a young woman to be so self aware is something to be very proud of. This is a massive very difficult step and often seen as the hardest by those with compulsive behaviour. The measure of whether you have a problem or if it’s just regular private behaviour is to consider if it is compulsive? Are you able to control it? Can you cease the behaviour if you choose? Does it cause you problems yet you still carry out the behaviour regardless of the consequences. You can decide from the above if you have behaviour that is going to cause consequences further down the line that will be damaging for you. My concern for you is that it will cause you problems. Compulsive or addictive behaviour escalates. What you do now will not be enough to supply your brain with dopamine in the future and you will find yourself in risky, dangerous situations. Are you aware that neurodivergence can present in some people with a low dopamine level. When you say “When I do it, it’s like some parts of my brain just shut down and I can completely forget about what’s stressing me out. But then later I feel gross about it.” This is exactly what is happening. Your frontal cortex isn’t working. Please research the physiological mechanisms of addiction to understand what is happening. Dr Robert Weiss has interviewed a few females with similar experiences to yours. Erica Garza is a lady who speaks candidly about her struggles. It’s on YouTube, I recommend you take a look. A site called Wetonglen is really informative with lots about addiction and unwanted sexual behaviour. I really commend you for reaching out for help. I so hope you can find the support you need. Is there anyone you can speak to for help? It’s such a personal issue and I think you will find so few females especially so young able to step forward as ask for help. I would always recommend SAA. Although as you are so young I’m not sure it is the correct place for you to receive support. Please keep in touch. Perhaps other members may have some better advice on where you can get the help you need. You are on such a great path recognising that you do not want this behaviour. Understanding why it’s happening will be a great beginning. It’s so much more common than people would believe. Take care and keep checking here for further advice.

@Annie16Im so sad to hear your story. Mine is similar and upon discovery that was what I thought may happen. I made my husband tell his parents as I was done caring for him and all his mental health issues. I did consider he would do the same however he left home without his phone and I didn’t know where he went so I had no opportunity to check on him. Exactly the same could have happened to me and I had no control over it. The fact is both our partners were not thinking or behaving as a mentally stable balanced person. My husband did turn up again but I had 24 hours when I had no idea what he was doing. The situations and events that led to this happening started years ago and most likely before you met. You are in no way responsible for anything that happened to encourage your husband to be a person that used addiction to cope. Addiction is a method used when people are not able to manage their feelings and emotions. This can make people very unwell. Please don’t take any responsibility for the development of your spouse. Every partner on this site that discovers the secrets their spouse has been involved with says hurtful and angry things. We all react without our thinking brain engaged. You are human and this is a hardwired reaction to keep you safe and protected. Im like you and would be full of what if’s should have’s and bargaining with myself. I think it’s part of the grief stages. The fact is that your spouse was unwell. There are thousands of situations that could have resulted in this happening. No human alive could have predicted this or navigated around it. I can’t imagine anyone who has lost someone to suicide whatever the circumstances that doesn’t think they should have done, said or behaved differently. Im so sorry you are left with this pain and have to share it with your children. Please know that your spouse was very unwell as is mine and we can only do what we are capable of. We are not saints or angels and we are as flawed as our partners. Don’t carry this extra burden on top of your grief. You reacted as we all have. What happened was because your husband was unwell. Take care of yourself and your children. I wish you so much comfort over the next few weeks and keep in touch with any of us here x

I second Roberto’s comments. No one can tell you the answers you look for. You are advised to do nothing and see what happens because if this is an addiction the person you love has disappeared under overgrowth of irrational behaviour, pain , lies, fear and deception. As previously said if he does all the thing’s available and recovers and evolves into a better person you may regret walking away and telling everyone. You still can do this at anytime. However you are giving the relationship and yourselves the chance. When you discovered this previously analysis what you both didn’t do that allowed this behaviour to go on. If he is serious about recovering you will see it yourself.

In my healing journey I have been told to watch out for the fruits of a recovered person in contrast to someone who is sober. If my partner is sober but not recovered I will still see all the other behaviours that go along with addiction. Manipulation, lying, secrecy, gaslighting, defensive, minimising, projecting, rejection, selfishness, isolation, distance etc. Being sober and not in recovery is a ticking time-bombshell that must be contained. Any stress or rough time will most likely result in reaching for the coping mechanisms that have been used since childhood to soothe and regulate. The gifts shared once someone has stepped away from addiction and looked deep inside at themselves are a willingness to be open and honest. Kind and caring. Taking ownership for your reaction to his behaviour. Honesty about the behaviour of the past. Ownership about how damaging it has been for the partnership. Putting others first. Rational thinking and behaviour. Wanting to make you happy and share your time. The thing I wish I’d done earlier is trust my instincts and subconscious. My instincts knew things were not as they should be but my brain kept telling me things to smooth over what was occurring. It is kind and caring that you make him feel good about the effort he puts into recovery. However we are told over and over that is not our job. You are advised to concentrate on your own feelings emotions and recovery. He needs validation from the other men in his recovery program. Is he in SAA? The 12step program ensures that the SA moves through process to ensure they grow spiritually and become better people. Im still waiting but I’m starting to see small fruits appearing. If your partner is impatient with your desire for connection I would ask your instincts and subconscious why that might be. Are you in a recovery group with others that can help you see the big picture. It’s so difficult and isolating to navigate our way through all this crazy damaging behaviour. Please care for yourself and set boundaries that protect you if your partner is pushing back on the agreed recovery behaviour and guidelines.

@dawnIm so sorry you are here. Ahh the initial pain is horrendous. I went insane lost a stone in weight couldn’t sleep, shaking, drinking, screaming all the time. I can tell you it does get easier. The hardest part is to control your thoughts and stop your brain going so irrational. I only survive by finding out about addiction and what has happened to my partner. People her will help you but if you have the fund’s professional support is helpful. Have you been able to listen to any of the Dr Robert Weiss podcasts? Wetonglen is an excellent site with so many different support resources to help you learn how to survive, recover and heal. My advice is to just do nothing. Survive each day at a time. Make no decisions. Tell no one unless they are in a similar situation. Soon you will be able to see things clearly. SAA for your partner. If he wants to heal and recover this is a great place to start. Give yourself grace. Your GP can help you. I refused any medication until I realised I was drinking to manage my emotions. I was given Prozac and it helped enormously. I only took it a short while. Take care it is so lonely but finding others you can talk with such as a recovery group is very validating. Let me know if you struggle with anything.

Hello @Jimwell done for reaching out for help. Have you been able to speak with anyone. I’m not an addict but a partner of one. I’ve been in this turmoil reading so many people’s accounts and situations from around 10 months now. It seems this is so much more common than people would think. my advice is to be amongst others who share the same issues as you. Once your behaviour and addiction is not a secret it is so much easier to manage. My partner feels so much relief attending an SAA meeting on Zoom. He finds hearing that other people with good lives , families, partners and jobs also struggle with this. In my husbands words it’s good to know I’m not just a “ freak” Once you start listening and sharing your world will get easier. From SAA you can then get help to heal. This is so much more than you can’t stop having sex. Please reach out to SAA this time next year things could be worse again. Take care and reach out to other addicts for support.

@Sks12334Roberto is speaking with insight here. I would advise him to join the neurodiversity SAA zoom meeting. His ADHD is a part of the biology that makes him prone to using addiction to cope. It's not about sex or other women. He has become dependent on the mixture of natural drugs to self soothe. The women you speak if in all ages shapes and sizes are where the drugs are. It's like saying the house he bought heroin from wasn't very nice. It's the drugs addicts are after. They aren't bothered about how they get them. Self care and loving yourself. You will hear this over and over. It's taken me 10 months but it's finally started to work. I will be ok what ever my SA chooses. Don't make any decisions now. Give it 12-18 months. Set your boundaries. Watch and wait. Your SA will show you wether he is worth a second chance. If he wants to recover he will do absolutely anything and everything. Be warned he will still be acting crazy for the next 6-10 months in withdrawal. You won't see any improvements for a while. As Roberto says if he is not willing to seek the root cause and heal both spirituality becoming a better person and cognitively repairing the broken thinking and behaviours then you have the information you need to decide. Focus all your attention on yourself and your child and find a group of support partners to help you with the thoughts and emotions. There are some wonderful people on this forum. It's not especially busy but people will share information and advice with you. Wetonglen is a really good site full of resources. Take care and keep in touch on here x

Hello @Abchow are you doing? I've only just seen your post. Did you manage to connect with anyone for support?

@SadDadThey say in addiction world that you have to hit rock bottom before you can find the motivation to seek full recovery. Have you been to SAA. My husband has found it absolutely essential for his recovery and as a way to rid him of the feelings you describe. I know others speak highly of Pivotal recovery too. Even once recovered it's something you need to work for the rest of your life. If you have kept it a secret and it's still in the shadows it still has such power over you. The only way to reduce the power is to share the shame and shine a light on your behaviour. The 12 step recovery plan is considered essential to becoming a better person and making better choices in your life.