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I just thought I'd say 'hi' and share my story so far. I'm doing 'this' solo, so I figured that posting here occasionally with an update would help with this. Hope this is an okay use of the forum. I'm 45. I can trace when I first got hooked on porn (and everything that followed) back to pre 2000, when my housemate got his first computer. I sat down at it and, well, it went from there. I remember trying to find excuses to use his PC. Deleting the history and blaming some tech problem as the reason that he'd lost all his recent browsing links. This repeated itself with another housemate, who had a faster PC and was out more often. Eventually I ended up with my own PC and I think that's where those neural pathways really started to develop. Nuts that this was 23 years ago. Since then, my addiction (I now realise what it is) has spiralled through endless hours and years of browsing, massive financial costs as I bought new subscriptions, and in later years 'toys', costumes and more. This would be such a kick for a short time, but I'd soon get that clarity and guilt and throw them in the bin, only to buy more a few weeks later. The amount of money I've wasted is unfathomable. Hours just slip away when deep in an acting out binge. "I'll just have a quick look..." and before I know it, it's been 12 hours or more since I logged on and it's dawn. Cue a day of sleep feeling terrible through sleep deprivation, cancelled work, cancelled appointments... etc. It's true too that you just need 'more' each time. Either more f*&cked up porn, bordering on stuff that you're questioning the legality of (and if you're unsure on this, then surely that's a 'stop' by default, to a non-acting-out mind anyway). I'm straight, I think, but it even went into same sex stuff, meets in the woods... endless. Anyway, this could go on and I've literally described the tip of an iceberg. I've tried not to be specific, to not trigger others. As for the relationships that this has no doubt affected, and the multitude of neuroses that years of acting out has embedded.... who knows. But I'm done with this nonsense and this time it's different (who's said that before?! - I know I have!). I've never made it onto a programme though. I'm on day 5, or is it 6, of the Pivotal Course and I'm determined. Lets hope that stays strong. It's great to know we're not alone out there. Big love to you all. D

Hi I found your post to be very emotional and truthful and I felt so sorry that you’re going through this. I agree you ARE NOT a bad person, people are capable of doing bad things but that doesn’t have to define you! I feel that SAA could be the right path for you, my husband found that the fellowship there to be amazing aid in his recovery. To be able to connect with others who will support and listen without judgement or condemnation is a blessing and you deserve to have that support. Also please look at doing the Pivotal via the Laurel Centre, my husband said it made such a difference to have the understanding and wisdom that Paula brought to him. I wish you all the very best in forging ahead in your recovery and I truly believe you have the ability to succeed if you are willing to do the work.

Hi, thank you for sharing your experiences. I too have struggled with trying to turn away from porn and masturbation, which is a habit I acquired from a very young age. I still am not perfect, but I have found a few things that help me turn away on a day-to-day basis. It's always going to be a struggle, and I think that's the hardest part to acknowledge, even if it's the truth. You will always have urges, no matter what you do. What you can change is how you respond to those urges, and how you view your struggle with your own personal experiences. For a long time, I jumped from self-help website to self-help website looking for ways to just ignore the urge or get rid of it entirely, but many stated that the best way to face my addiction was to look at it from a moment-to-moment perspective. This is really hard on its own, and all I could imagine was moment after excruciating moment of having to hold back what my entire body was telling me to do. However, every time I failed to stay away, I felt a feeling of complete and utter disappointment in myself, because I had not only failed myself but also my family and my future partner as well. After learning about psychology in high school, I decided to take a new approach to my addiction. I found the most important thing holding me back was a lack of consistent effort/strategies and a feeling of complete isolation from anyone else I knew. Some sources I had read asserted that up to 90% of men masturbate, but the topic is very taboo in almost all social circles and no one voluntarily talks about it. The strategy that I came up with was multifaceted, and I think looking at the issue from multiple perspectives is very helpful when it comes to avoiding the addictive habit. First, I looked at my addiction from a biological perspective, visualizing the addiction cycle of highs and lows, and needing to seek a higher high each time to get back to equilibrium. I also learned about which neurotransmitters were released by pornography and masturbation, and which brain structures were responsible for my urges. it was important to me to realize that a sex drive is an instinctual part of human biology, and I didn't need to eliminate it completely, only return it to normal from its twisted existence at that point. Second, I took a look inwards at my own pattern of thought, such as what situations triggered my urges and which emotions I was feeling at the time. this helped me to identify and avoid things that might send me into a spiral. For me, this situation would typically be if I was alone, tired, and/or bored. I also tried to identify patterns in the type of pornography I viewed. I realized that I would normally go down a rabbit hole of the same topic, seeing variations of the same theme. My curiosity to find something better of that same theme would often bring me back to pornography, which was a very important fact to acknowledge. To combat this I took a radical strategy, to which I have a better alternative now. Since I knew that my curiosity was what was pulling me back, I decided to take a path similar to "flooding," where a therapist exposes a phobic person directly to the object of their fears. I created a mental list of all of the things I was curious about, then sped through them all online without trying to enjoy it or masturbate to it. My hope was to eliminate the curiosity I had been feeling before. This helped, but I believe that exposing oneself to porn to get rid of addictive urges is too risky. What I learned from this experience was that if I could make myself realize that all forms of pornography are the same on the basic level, just images to inspire erotic urges, I could convince myself that I would become bored of porn. Changing the thought process that tells you that you want to watch porn in the first place is something that can completely change your journey. Next, I decided to use operant conditioning to make myself avoid porn and masturbation. Every time I went back to porn (against my better judgment), I focused on the negative feeling which haunted me afterward. I began to associate this feeling with porn, convincing myself that those short few moments of bliss were not worth the days or weeks of shame and lowered self-worth that came afterward. Eventually, I realized that having a constant state of feeling somewhat "meh" was better than feeling bad most of the time just to wait for the time when I could consume porn or masturbate. I am a somewhat religious person, and I used my faith to help me as well, which allowed me to talk to people anonymously about my problems, This also relieved some of the negative feelings I was experiencing because they showed me that I would not be shunned for my shortcomings and that I could always try again. However, I realize that others may not be religious or believe in a higher power, so I advise just finding a person or group of people you can talk to, whether it be your wife, a friend, or someone completely anonymous so that you can talk through your thoughts with them as well. I won't lie, it is hard to discuss, especially the first few times you talk about it, but it does get easier. These trustworthy people can keep you accountable and prevent you from going back. Lastly, I began to build relationships with new people. The feeling of isolation I felt from everyone was a major factor in my use of porn. After a few failed attempts at friendships, I found 3 or three people who I truly enjoyed being around and who made me laugh whenever I was around them. You don't need an entire army of friends to make a change, but having a few good ones can completely change your life. Whenever you feel the urge to return to porn, I advise that you think about the happiness you feel being around those people, and show yourself how enjoyable life can be without pornography. I hope you realize that you are not alone in your struggle and that my experiences and suggestions can help you. Don't forget to stay vigilant and enjoy all of the happy events that come your way. I wish you the best of luck on your journey

Dear Runner, my heart goes out to you. I have been living with a porn addict for many years and he is still a porn addict. He owns his problem(s) and I cannot influence if he choses to do endless recovery work and be honest vs himself and others (well, me and his porn addicted accountability partner) or if he allows himself to give in to the daily temptations which are endless and easily available all around him. Life was a lot easier, care free and peaceful before I found out what is really going on in his life. I should of course say ever since he came into my life but I want to only imply the expert hiding. I think that today, I have a better understanding of him than he does, well I can see it from the outside sometimes and am not afraid to look into the eye of the truth. I have heard a lot of promises and lies, probably more of the latter and it is very hard to be the partner of someone who sexualizes aspects of life where I see no sexual temptation. It is encrusted in him and despite therapies and other recovery work he still not clean. You end up giving up a lot of good moments worrying or being hurt about someone else's behaviour or licking your wounds after another discovery or admission. We cannot be therapists and partners. There is only so much we can do to support the porn addict (or whatever you may want to name it). Unlike say a substance abuse, it is a very intimate and personal problem and will hurt. Like you probably, I married a man who has consumed porn extensively and lived in a big lie way before we met and I know it's got nothing to do with me and don't at all feel guilty about or feel responsible for it in any way. Even if I prevent him from having a regular sex life with me, as it turns me off to be intimate with some who has a ton of pn images in his brain. So yes, I think this personal aspect is very destabllizing, coupled with the lack of trust which is fundamental in a healthy relationship of any kind. So yes, I do find myself taking it personal too sometimes. And as a feminist and believer in gender mutual respect and equality, I hate it that my husband objectifies women whereas in "normal" routine life he would be ready to defend any woman's rights and doesn't come across as making a gender difference. This is already too long. You see, there is only one person I married and yet sometimes it feels like I'm living with different variants of one and the same man. I know the professional experts don't agree with me but I believe he has mental disorders, he cannot cope with the real world but it was never addressed as such in therapy. In my experience the porn addict will make efforts in stopping, even counting days trying to reach a time goal or some other thing like that, a huge struggle for them and from what I read only few will make it through. I suppose with porn, the shame is even bigger than say alcohol and drugs as far as their life partners are concerned because it is so.... intimate. Anyway, it is totally understandable to move forward to a better life without any guilt involved, you hadn't signed up for this, don't want and don't deserve it. I cannot imagine a porn addict telling his future wife about this as he cannot face the shame but that is no excuse for potentially bringing someone else down with them, so please don't feel guilty if you want to leave. I totally understand. There are couples separating every day for smaller reasons. All the best, whatever you decide.

That's definitely my learning Roberto , it was not professional of the therapist to attempt couple therapy and certainly not at a stage where my partner had obviously not even come to terms with his own behavior. It was more harmful than healing and the therapist should have known that.

Hi I left my husband and it was the best thing for me . You will know in your gut what is best for you . Ask yourself if this was your best friend what advice would you give them ?

I totally agree, many if not most people have certain fetishes, quirks and desires but it’s like @Robertosaid, it’s about what this does to you on a day to day basis, if it is affecting your ability to do certain things effectively or affecting relationships then this is something that needs addressing by someone trained to help.

This is all a question of control. How much control one feels one has over one's viewing habits. If porn use is forcing you to hide your fetishes from your partner(s); if it's taking time away from your kids; if it's making you late for work; if you choose it over your friends, then you've got a problem. I worry that fetishes and natural expressions of sexuality get quashed in this forum. There is absolutely nothing wrong in having a fetish as long as it's not hidden - tell your partner about it and discuss it. However, the role it plays in your life is the issue we have to grapple with.

I have my own experience in this. I was seeing a counsellor this year and admitted that I watch fetish videos online, and visit profiles on social media if I have been having a bad day. I did stress that the videos were on YouTube, and the women taking part were as far as I knew, consenting and that I wasn't paying to access it. But she insisted that if it wasn't hurting anyone then it was ok, even though I am trying to stop watching them. I realise I might not be the best person to give advice, but that is something I have found myself. I believe she meant well, but it wasn't something I wanted to hear.

Hi dear I'm also sorry that you have to go though this. I think you will see clearer down the line, no need to take any immediate decisions if you are in two minds about it. ll refrain from sharing my story in detail now, you have enough to come to terms with. I don't know if and when his therapy will see a change in his behavior. If you want to give him a chance, it will be a while before you will know that. I hate to sound negative but you know, after years of porn use he might have escalated last year.... or earlier. You just won't know. And as the trust is gone, we tend to assume the worst. Just be good to yourself now, take care of yourself and give it a bit of time. You might think of putting boundaries in place to protect yourself. That would be my advice but yes, it is not going to be easy. I think the pain goes away a bit but then the wounds might re-open. All the best for now. xx

I do feel for you in this situation. Coping ourselves is one thing, but children obviously bring another dimension. Again, one thing I've take on board since D-Day is that it's impossible to play out in our minds what is going to happen in the next 30 ,40, 50 years. You need to take time to see how you feel now. No sudden movements. No need to rush. Nobody expects you to predict the future and there is no 'right solution'. Life isn't perfect and it became a little easier for me when I finally came to the realisation that there was no absolutely 100% method to getting through it. Good luck.

This pains me from the perspective that: our partners because sex addicts in the first place because of the shame they felt about themselves. They way I'm ready this quote, the suggestion is that the sex addict is now, ultimately, doomed because he can't, or shouldn't reveal this shame to a new parter. If I've learnt anything in the journey I've been through it's that we all need to be totally honest with each other.

I realise it's most probably not a popular opinion on here but, from my perspective, porn is not the problem. If we consider alcoholism in the same light, gin is also not the problem. Gin can be fun and complex and exciting, but we all know that if you drink too much of it all the time, you cease to function properly. I'm sure you can see what I'm getting at here. Again, from where I'm sitting, some of the issues presented on this forum are the result of people being fed false expectations as children of what relationships ought to be. The Disney Corporation has a LOT to answer for: maybe I'm the one who's got it wrong, but there is no The One, there is no proverbial Prince Charming and there is no guarantee of some kind of Rick Astley Together Forever experience. It's unreasonable to expect that, once married or partnered, our partners and we ourselves are simply going to stop noticing the attractiveness of other people. A gazillion years of evolution has put a stop to that in order to ensure that our species survives. What counts for many people in closed relationships is whether we decide to act on those attractions, or not. Hence many of you have found yourselves on this site because your partner failed to engage his or her frontal lobe. I know that I find other men who are not my husband attractive. My husband has the same thing going on. The issue that he faced was that he was using porn to underpin his life, and had been since he was a teen. Shame stopped him sharing this with me. As many on this site know, I'm gay. Potentially I want to say that some LGBTQ+ people approach porn and relationships a little differently. One of the reasons for this is because many of us were still closeted in our teens when straight people were out getting actual real-life sexual experiences, and we turned to porn instead. This then means that, as adults, we potentially accept that porn can play a role for an individual or even a couple (but, of course, it doesn't have to) more readily than others. My point is, however, that if we initially shame partners by declaring that all porn is bad, well then they're NEVER going to admit that they use it. Personally speaking, I don't think porn is bad. Too much porn is bad, in the same way that too much gin is bad. We need to remember that people of all genders are involved in making porn (not just females) and that, in addition, some of them willingly do it for exposure, or because they're exhibitionists or for any number of reasons - they're not all being exploited by by sharks (but I fully realise that many are and I'm not naïve enough to think that the majority of porn is squeaky clean - I'm pretty certain it's not). That said, new-ish platforms such as OnlyFans have enabled individuals to make their own calls on how they are going to sell their bodies, cutting out the middle-man (who has been, in the past, the person exploiting a vulnerable 'porn star'). I realise, however, that many of us partners have been stung by our sex addicted other halves using OnlyFans, and acknowledge that this particular fact is a little bitter-sweet. It's certainly one of the sites my husband used to use. My thesis here is ultimately this: if we had more realistic expectations of our all-too-human partners, then potentially we'd be less devastated at what has happened to all of us on here who are partners of sex addicts. The real issue here is the deceit, some of which has happened as a result of our communal unrealistic expectations and the fact that we, as a society, shame people who indulge in porn (and I think we all know that the majority of people view internet porn rather than the minority). My life fell apart not because I discovered my husband was using porn. It fell apart when I discovered he was using it to prop up his entire existence. He then went on to lie to me about other schemes he was involved in, and that's what really sent me over the edge. Please do not think that this message is about advocating that your sex addict partner be allowed to view porn again. That's not what this is about. This is about being more realistic as a society in our expectations regarding love and partnership.

@NeedToRetireYour fetish is not weird. You clearly are holding on to a lot of shame and that's what makes you label it as weird. Shame has forced you to keep it secret from your wife. That's unfortunate, but it's also not uncommon. We dear people will leave us if they discover the real us. Your legitimate fetish harms nobody. It's just a fetish. But I'll tell you from personal experience that telling your wife about your fetish will help. A fetish becomes an addiction when it stops you from living your daily life and prevents you from doing what you need to do.

Dear Losinghope, Thanks for your message, and apologies for taking a while to notice and reply. I guess if this were a movie I would be able to say everything was happily ever after now. I wish I could honestly say that to you as obviously this must be a difficult time. I did end up talking to someone (male) about my situation, albeit not in a formal setting. Those conversations were helpful. Since February my behaviour has not been perfect, but I have been moving in the right direction. More good choices than bad. I've come to the view that my fetishes are not "intrinsically" bad. For instance, a man wearing women's clothes might not be bad, all by itself. It was a relatively compartmentalized part of my life and wasn't actually harming anyone directly. The thing that makes me hang my head in shame now was not telling my wife about, and doing stuff behind her back to indulge in it. So, having a "weird fetish" and "breaking trust" were two separate issues in my case. I have no idea if breaking things down a little bit like that is helpful in your case in trying to determine whatever way forward is appropriate for you. In any case I wish you the best of luck and all strength. NTR. p.s. I have zero professional qualificatons in any of this and am not even sure what the rules are for this forum, so apologies in advance if any of the above is not ok to talk about.

@RunnerA highly refreshing moment for me was the first time I was able to tell someone what had been going on. I told a friend who's then husband was an alcoholic - I knew she'd understand - and I told another close friend. Then my sister. Then parts of the story to others. You may not feel you can do it right now, but you will eventually be able to. It helps a lot.

Thank you, all the comments are so reassuring. About 10 times a day I reconsider what the right thing to do is….. and you are right that it is guilt that keep telling me to stay or try to forgive or think of the good things but also fear of getting it wrong and making the wrong decision…. But mainly guilt. I’m still desperately trying to avoid hurting him despite what has happened the whole thing feels so incredibly lonely and I’m having to find smiles and ‘everything is fine’ comments for the rest of the world who can’t know what has happened. sometimes it feels so surreal as if I am overreacting and the whole thing will go away or I will wake up from a dream or an accident and realise it was all in my head. I’m at the point where everything feels numbed and I’m really just coping with every day but not sure when it will end or turn into something remotely survivable. At least the unpredictable tears are lessening. I lost a much wanted baby a week after the discovery so it’s been an awfully traumatic time and I think it’s just getting through daily work , chores and being a mum is what is giving me some worth. I'm hoping that I will be able to move beyond this to something where I feel happy again

Thanks @Jmpc68 That is really helpful, I do feel physically safe but just emotionally numb and detached unless with my very young daughter. I hear all the amazing people on here who stay and admire their courage and feel some guilt to him that I want to leave.... but its been 5+ years that have been very difficult ,and culminated in what I thought was a full recovery actually being a waste of 2 .5 years of couples therapy ( and me thinking it was all gone). HIs moods have got darker and he resents so much of what I do... my studying, work, sport, going to the gym, going to events with friends I don't think its just the porn that is the problem ( it is,,,, but there is so much more)....the way Im expected to change from who I confidently and happily was 5 years ago..... to be there by his side the whole time and then made to feel guilty if I do things that are important to me ( social, sport, activities and hobbies).... it all makes me feel more nervous and on edge about what will next be wrong. I don't want to live this limited life any more... I want to shine again....... but the guilt of leaving and the fear of how I will cope with a small child is huge. I am terrified of getting it wrong. I am so scared for everyone..... but I know that if I stay I will not be happy