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  1. I've been seeing my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now. I love him very much. I found out a year into the relationship that he was cheating on me with escourts, i found him out by discovering his account on a escort website. I confronted him and he eventually admitted he had seen some. This progressed into him asking me to consider swinging but wasn't my sort of thing. So was a no go. I have found out he has cheated on me multiple times with them and each time he said he would stop but hasn't he used the excuse that he finds it hard to break the routine. He also suggested that I should become one. Which again isn't for me. Recently I snooped on his phone and found loads of naked pictures all of escorts and even had face pictures of them. I confronted him and dumped him. And since breaking up he has told me that he was really bullied at school by girls and that he felt like he should have been a women for all the attention they get and admitted that he likes to wear Bras and knickers occasionally when pleasuring himself. He said that he has a big collection which he buys from the escorts he buys them a new set so he can keep their old ones. He said he prefers worn ones to new ones. I have told him that I think he might need help and I would support him numerous times.but he said he would stop and didnt. He is a very self conscious person who I think has an extremely low self of esteem. Hes never been overly interested in me sexually right fron the start. I generally don't know how to cope with all of this. I feel so overwhelmed and has really made me feel undesirable and unloved. Any advice would be grateful
    2 points
  2. Hello all, my username is 7Squirrel and I'm a porn addict. I don't really know how else to begin this, and I'm not really sure how to structure this. Please bear with me as I struggle along. I'll guess I'll introduced myself, tell you why I'm making this post and give a brief overview of my situation. I will try to be concise, but I find that very difficult. Please bear with me on that. Thanks. I'm a 49 year old married man. Originally from the UK, I moved to a European country several years ago to be with my girlfriend, who is now my wife. I'm writing this because looking at and masturbating to pornographic images has been a part of my life since puberty, and before that I accidentally found and looked at P. So for the majority my life so far there has been P. I don't want it in my life but I find it almost impossible to live without. And yet, it is ruining my life. I want to quit and stay quit. My life has become dominated by this habit which I can't stop for longer than a couple of days at a time. I am very much on the dreaded merry-go-round as described in Paula's book on sex and porn addiction. I have been trying to do something about this for several years now. Unfortunately even though I really want to recover and turn things round, I'm lazy, I lack confidence and resolve and that leads me to return to P. Which causes me huge grief and shame, which leads me back to P. And so on and so on. Since emigrating from the UK I have achieved a masters degree in higher education, and have worked sporadically as a freelancer here and there, but I'm finding it hard to get a full-time job. Another issue which complicates the situation is that I have certain traits which, if you believe in such things, have been described as ADHD /ADD. I'm not quite sure where I stand on whether this is a legitimate disorder or not. But I know this. My daily life is inhibited by the way that I think, feel and emotionally process the world, and my own reactions to it. Wether porn is a subconscious attempt on my part to self-medicate, I don't know. What I do know is, I consider myself at heart a kind, intelligent, caring, sensitive, talented individual, who wants to be able to live without this behaviour which has severely impeded my life, and is continuing to do so. Help. Thanks for reading and best wishes.
    2 points
  3. We are divorcing. Mainly my choice, based upon his behaviors of course. but he knows why I must. he has hurt me too bad and he admits it. I could NEVER trust him again. With that being said, we have children, and my therapist has warned me that he will get to the point where he WILL let them down and disappoint them/lie to them/manipulate them as he has done to me. even if he hasn't so far, she warns me. I hope she's wrong. I would NEVER want them to feel like this. But so far every move he's made she has warned me about has happened. I'm so worried. he's already living with a woman he JUST MET (who has a kid herself!) and he's acting like he may introduce her to the kids within a few months! anyone here divorced? and has it gone ok, afterwards, with child custody and whatnot? we both agree on 50/50 (he needs his OWN place for that to happen). no fighting over anything material. it's been hard for me to control myself, talking to him about his behaviors now and how they hurt me (and the kids have seen me upset, i try to hide it), because HIS BUSINESS IS NOT MY BUSINESS ANYMORE. what he does is not my business. unless it affects the kids. i am sure as hell teaching my kids about relationships and being loving/caring and HONEST with your partners, so they won't follow HIS example, moving in with someone after 3 weeks, when u r not even divorced from their mother yet. thanks for listening, it is SO helpful having this forum, as i don't have any friends (he was my ONLY friend). it gets lonely. i have a therapist, but just once a week. i'd like to talk about this non stop, but that wouldn't be healthy, WASTING my time talking about HIS addiction. forgive any typos.
    1 point
  4. Hi Helpneeded91, first of all know that this is not anything to do with you, so don’t allow yourself to question your attractiveness or ability to be loved. This is his problem and his to address. You can support him, if you wish, but you cannot solve it for him. You need to focus on yourself and your needs, and set your boundaries. It is emotionally exhausting to be a partner to a sex addict, as with all addictions, no one else matters as much as their addiction and getting their hit. Sex addiction seems to be to be the cruelest of all addictions as it is so personally hurtful to the partner and makes us all question ourselves and love as a whole. My heart goes out to you, as you sound like a caring compassionate person. He is lucky to have you in his life, and you should be enough. Keep strong! I hope someone else in a similar position comes along with some advice. My story is different but basically a sex addiction was the cause of a lot of distress. I refuse to let it define me! xxx
    1 point
  5. Hi Inimitable, I’m moving ahead with divorce too. No children, I am in my 60s and have learnt so much about him, that he hid. I cannot cope with him any more, particularly his lack of empathy. My story is on this forum, it’s a horrid read. He too has moved on, to someone young enough to be his daughter, with young children!! I think you’re right to show your children how to behave in a way that respects others. He doesn’t sound like a good role model, and your children will see that you are. You are not alone. There are too many of us in this situation, with sex addicts. Everyone’s situation is unique and their paths will be different, but I think we all know when it’s the end of the road! Take care, and be strong and go towards happiness! xxxx
    1 point
  6. Hi, I feel for you. My story is on here, I posted on my original thread yesterday. Everyone’s experience is different, and there is no right or wrong. I like you, was fully committed to my vows, but all I felt I could do was support him from afar, I couldn’t cut him from my life when he was suffering. It was hard. No more though. He put me through hell, then I find out he’s already seeing a much younger woman. Him finding someone isn’t the issue really, it’s the fact he kept it secret, deceived me, again. He lacks empathy, has personality disorders, and was a manipulative man who I, and others around him, loved and respected. He knows no different, as it is his survival mechanism. But it’s not mine. I’ve done all I can and now I set myself free. It’s liberating. Take care, put yourself first. xxxx
    1 point
  7. Hi All. I am a 31 yr old husband. Need your pov and help. I was just Googling about married men going to hookers and prostitutes to satisfy themselves and found this thread. I am a husband for 2.5 years and was seeing my wife before for 3 years. So a total of 5.5 yrs of relationship. We still haven't had sex. I feel that is predominantly because of the founding basis of our relationship. Early on when we started seeing each other and when we got intimate, my wife or then gf was not comfortable with it, with any kind of intimate stuff. That was because she had had a very traumatic early teen experience at the hands of a predator teacher of hers. She told me that after that incident, sex got ruined for her and she could never open up to it. She told me that she did use to feel arousal and all and she would help herself by pressing her thighs but nothing more, no touching or anything at all. She never watched porn or read erotica, would just imagine and get done with it. So when we started seeing each other and when we tried to get intimate, she would get very anxious, conscious and worked up and we had to stop obviously and I had to calm her down. This then became a norm and slowly it died down. Now we hardly even make out and the relationship has moved on to a very caring, loving, affectionate, level and skipped the physical part entirely. Now I have been a very sex driven man since a very young age. I remember I had started masturbating when I was 10. Yeah I am not kidding. Of course nothing would come out but I used to touch myself and reach a sort of climax. And consequently, I became addicted to porn and i still am. Before I met my wife, I was in one other serious relationship which was long distance but whenever we met, we would have proper sex and there were no issues. But now since the last 5.5 yrs with my wife, I have only relied on porn and masturbation. In covid, I started exploring online sexting through different apps and then it sort of became a habit. I would hardly find a partner of choice because most were fakes and bots, but when i did, it would feel worth. I had told about this to my wife and she was kinda okay in the sense that as long as it is anonymous and not with anyone known, it's very much like watching porn so she was okay with it. And somewhere I feel, she felt inadequate on her part and that's why she made herself okay with it. So I was also fine with porn and online sexting. Last year, I was traveling for work and I just got curious about trying a hooker. I somehow justified it to me that sexting and actual sex is same, only that instead of my hands, it would be someone real. So I gave it a shot and hired one. But I didn't have sex, we did other stuff except for sex and i really enjoyed it. Somehow I was justifying that as long as I am not having sex, it was same as masturbation. This continued till this year and the frequency would be once in 3 months every time I would travel. So I never felt I was addicted or anything. But this week, the need to feel something new kinda made me week and I went ahead and had sex. This was last week Friday and then again today. And now I dont know what to feel about it. Dont know if it will be addictive or not. Dont know if I should just consider this a blip and continue with sexting and porn. I know that lack of sex life with my wife is the biggest factor here, but somehow, and I know myself, I feel that it won't satiate me. I have a habit of porn and sexting and novelty. Sorry for a crazy long post. Please give me suggestions. Thanks in advance!
    1 point
  8. Hey everyone, I literally found out this week that my partner of 4 years has been seeing escorts since the very start of our relationship. I’m absolutely devastated and really don’t know where to go from here. I’ve moved out for the minute as I just can’t face looking at him (which I expect he’s going to use as an absolute field day to go and do what he seems to love!! Escorts!) I had absolutely no idea this was happening and it’s totally blindsided me. We had the best relationship (or so I thought) but our sex life has always been crap (him never wanting to!!) I feel SO lost and I just don’t know what to do. x
    1 point
  9. Hi Rach, I know you posted this a while ago. If this is still what’s bothering you most though, I’ve been through the same thing and I’m completely sure there’s just no way you could have known. If you do want to connect with someone going through the same thing, message me. I haven’t posted anywhere before and am also feeling a gap not being connected to anyone going through this. And it’s heartbreaking imagining someone else feeling this- so upsetting to see so many women on here that this has happened to. On my side I found out last July that my “perfect” husband of 16 years, who I’ve been closer to than anyone else since we met 22 years ago when I was only 18, had been going to strip clubs and visiting prostitutes for the last decade. It’s just constant horror. He went into immediate crisis when I found out and accepted he had a problem, and as far as I can tell he’s as committed to recovery as I could ask. But as soon as I get near to settling one burning question like this, another one takes over - and as soon as I think I’ve reconciled anything with myself or with him, the reality suddenly hits again and my emotions do a 180 degree turn. I can’t get perspective, and I feel so trapped because we’ve got a young family together and I don’t want them to see anything change unless I’m sure I want it to be over. Not adding a name for now because am feeling nervous somehow, but really hoping you’ve already found more peace than me! x
    1 point
  10. Hi all, I know this thread has been inactive for quite some time but I was wondering if anyone had any updates? I am in a very similar situation to the original poster and it’s been 2 months since doomsday. There have also been multiple different sets of disclosure along the way since then, but I finally have what I believe to be the full picture and the whole truth of what has actually taken place. Which feels like a relief but also, every lie and subsequent confession did retraumatize me and it felt like I was going back to day one. So in that case, it’s been about 2 weeks since ‘doomsday.’ I can’t focus on anything else and I’ve only spoken to my therapist about any of this. I feel like I have now been forced into a double life because of his. Spending time with friends and family feels fake because they have no idea what is going on or how I feel under the surface. I feel a small bit of optimism because of how much he’s taken responsibility, has shown remorse and is taking the initiative to fix things. But after reading the accounts of others online I can’t help but feel that hope is false since so many attempts at rebuilding seem to lead to reoffending and ultimately failure. It has also been tough because although this conversation is centred around SA, he doesn’t feel that is completely relevant to his situation. And he has been adamant that he is not gay/bisexual and has absolutely no attraction to men. We have talked endlessly about it and he still maintains that his actions did not come from a place of sexual desire or release. As he explains it, his need for stimulation was perpetuated by porn before we even met, leading him into the seedy underbellies of the internet. Which lead to some bisexual curiosity. Having grown up in a very accepting and loving home, no religious homophobia whatsoever, many LGBTQ+ friends and a few family members, and in a generally accepting society here in Toronto - he chose to experiment and explore this curiosity. Which I understand myself as a bisexual woman. After the initial experience he claims he knew without a doubt he was straight and it just wasn’t for him. But that this still somehow lead to an escalating addiction or compulsion to sending photos, messaging online on various DL websites, and meeting with men on several occasions, because of the anxiety that came with doing something secret and ‘taboo.’ His disappointment with his failures in life, bad decision making, and general poor self esteem then fuelled his need for this anxiety to continue a pattern of existing self sabotage but also to help him cope with the anxieties and depression in the rest of his life. He describes it as a distraction’ that he wanted to feel terrible, he wanted to not be in sexually arousing situations and seeking sexual release, but to use the sexual behaviour as a vehicle for self harm. The compulsion to use these situations this way also came in waves and was triggered by times when he felt very low and would be short bursts of around 2 weeks of messaging, eventually leading to a meet up and then nothing for quite some time until the next cycle. He experimented with asian massage parlours and webcammed with two women in that time. I also saw some evidence of him reaching out to M4Fs on occasion while responding to M4Ms, but he says that the women often wouldn’t respond and his attempts were unsuccessful anyway. And that part of using seeking out these men specifically was because of their willingness to partake and the other party’s own personal discretion and shame which made him feel safe from being found out. He described the massage parlours as having a similar effect in giving him that quick awful ‘punishment’ feeling but in that they weren’t quite the experience he was looking for because he actually climaxed during the encounters. But he chose them initially because he knew it would make him uncomfortable and feel badly. He explains away the webcamming with women as an act of convenience that arose while in various bisexual chat rooms and that they also made him feel terrible but in a different way because of the sexual enjoyment so he didn’t continue pursuing it. He claims every sexual encounter was very short lived and that he always chose ‘open door policies’ for their discretion but also so he could exit as quickly as possible. He never climaxed, he sometimes didn’t even make it in the door but when he did he said the anxieties would increase until he had ‘reached the level of punishment he was willing to handle’ at the time and then bolt. I guess just after 6 years of gaslighting and deception I can’t help but feel like he’s lying to me about his sexual appetites and interests. But I also don’t understand why he would feel the need to lie about them? I myself am Bisexual and he knows and has said himself that he could tell anyone in his life and they would greet it with nothing but love and support. He’s also acknowledged that his life could remain completely unchanged if he were to feel that way and come forward with it. He’s read many ‘coming out’ stories, articles on sexuality and bisexuality, books, and listened to podcasts in the past 2 months - so he is most definitely not avoiding the idea or thought. He also can see and know how 1+1 not neatly adding up to 2 is absolutely destroying me. By adding this extra confusing layer to what is already a shit sandwich. And he’s acknowledged that all the questioning of his sexuality can be tiring (to be fair I’m repeating myself often and not so great to be around right now) and that it would be easier if he could just explain it away like that for himself and for me. That he wishes he could but he doesn’t want to live a lie or continue lying to me. Even if it were to give me some comfort. He grew up in the punk scene which is filled with sexual fluidity, and openly gay and bisexual men. He has rationalized his acceptance and exposure to it all in helping him to even carry out these actions or be ‘ok’ with getting through them, because he ‘genuinely has no qualms with a penis being around him.’ But at the end of the day he has still been cheating on me with predominantly men for the last 6 years so it’s all just a wild mess in my head. Despite all this, he still insists that he has absolutely 0 romantic or sexual attraction to men or male genitalia. And I know that at the end of the day his sexuality doesn’t matter, the infidelity and betrayal does, but my PTSD brain is fixated on it not because of the orientation itself but because of the idea of there being more dishonesty. The fear and the risk of such a level of dishonesty, I know, will also only end in disaster. You can’t deny yourself of who you are or push it down and try to forget it, no matter how strong you are. If it doesn’t lead to another direct betrayal by ways of infidelity, it will most certainly lead to just a sad, unfulfilling life, that is dampened with inescapable depression because the cause of that depression is not being met or addressed. So I’ve also fixated on the truth of his feelings because it feels like I need that information to assess the risk moving forward. I love this man to death but now part of me feels like I don’t even know who I’m in love with. A persona? A front? Am I a beard, or just a prop for the fantasy of ‘attached’ ‘straight’ and ‘discreet’ gay sex? We got engaged a year ago and have been living together for 6 years, I thought we had a solid relationship, respect for one another, and endless love. Now I don’t know what I have. I was just in the middle of planning a wedding and now I’m batting away questions about ‘if we’ve set a date yet’ with bullshit excuses about COVID. He claims to still and have always loved me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but if he did then why would he risk it all for absolutely 0 reward?! I mean he didn’t even orgasm apparently! I hear some of your stories and you’re so much further down the line than I am, with children and a house and it’s all far more complicated. Part of me feels like he’s done me a favour of giving me an out before I’ve committed to any of those things with him. That the embarrassment and heartbreak of ending things would subside with time because of the amazing people I have in my support system. That I would be saving my future children from a disaster, because if I were to choose to stay and he ever hurt them I could absolutely never forgive myself for being so naive and stupid. And then there’s another part of me that still feels like he is my favourite person in the whole world, my soulmate, and leaving him without trying would be a rash mistake. But I want kids and a man who’s head over heels for me and would never even consider doing what he’s done… and I still have time to build that. I just can’t shake the feeling that I still want those things with him. He’s even assured me that if I didn’t want to have children he would still want to be with me for the rest of his days. That there isn’t some attachment to the happy heterosexual family ideal tugging at him to try and make it work. He’s also acknowledged that at this point, the past two months have been so hard for the both of us, and him being a fiercely independent, stubborn person, he genuinely feels that it would be easier just for us to part ways and for him to runaway and carry out the rest of his days doing whatever he wanted when he wanted. That his only apprehension (aside from his ‘feelings for me’) would be the disappointment his friends and family would have for him because of his hurting me - but that would also subside. He says his natural instinct is to run, like with everything else in his life, that he’s not preserving this for fear of being outed and this relationship ending. I’ve even offered to keep the details of his infidelity a secret until he was ready to come out to everyone directly after our splitting. Because I do respect him, and I’m not in the business of trying to ruin people’s lives for some short lived revenge. I’ve had moments where I can’t breathe, I’m paralyzed by fear, and a deep feeling of loneliness all come crashing through me, tearing my brain and my heart apart. And these feelings are exactly what he has claimed to be pursuing. I just can’t imagine someone wanting to feel that way and actively hunting it down. I mean, one things for sure it definitely is distracting… but how can someone even function and manage to fool his partner with happiness and love while feeling this way?! It seems utterly impossible, although I know this perspective is not the same because it’s coming from a relatively healthy person. Or one who used to be anyway… I know you’re not professionals, and our situations are all unique. I know you may not even see this message considering how long ago this thread was active. But I guess I just needed to type this out to scream into the void. And if anyone does happen to see this, if they could tell me their story or give me their opinion on all of this I would greatly appreciate it. I have been desperately digging through the internet to find some sort of explanation that validates his story. But he only claims parts of them to feel relevant to him, nothing ever quite fits the bill. I believe we all live vastly different lives, but I also believe that at least one person somewhere has experienced the same thing as someone else. And that thought was always a comfort before now. Now, when I can’t find anything that can explain his behaviour and his explanation - that thought torments me. I feel like I’ve been in a perpetual state of fight or flight for the last two months and I don’t know what to do. Once I end it I know it’ll be done forever and there’s no going back. Once my family and friends know there will be no chance of forgiveness - so I don’t want to do it until I’m absolutely sure. I guess, I’m just still not sure yet, but I wish I could be. I love all of you, Alyssa.
    1 point
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