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Please look at the Robert Weiss podcasts and there are some amazing books out there. Paula Hall’s book for partners and Michelle Mays The Betrayal Bind. Also if you haven’t already I would suggest some individual therapy with a CSAT, mine was amazing and it helped to be able to rant/rage/vent/scream/cry whatever I needed in a safe environment. He gave me some EMDR to help with the nasty mind movies that needed to bugger off. They still try to creep in but I know how to handle them now. He even suggested a smash room which was amazing, it felt silly at first but being able to get that anger out was exhilarating. Please feel free if you need any advice or if there are any questions I can help you to navigate the answers to. Take care hun x

Hi @KayMarie I have so much empathy for you and for each and everyone of us who has found ourselves in this situation that is not of our making. In answer to your question, I found it to be totally normal to have doubts and moments where I wasn’t sure if I still loved my husband the same. I found it took me at least 6 months to fully process everything that had been going on and I’m thankful that I listened to no big decisions for 6-12 months. Firstly I think it takes a lot of work at caring for yourself and going through the cycle of anger, disbelief and pain over and over again. If you don’t feel it and process it there can’t be real recovery for you. Many people I have spoken to who have ended their relationships don’t recover if they haven’t worked through the trauma, so staying or leaving isn’t what is important, it’s about you getting to the end of the PTSD. Secondly your partner has to get in good and true recovery, no excuses! In this respect I have been fortunate as my husband has had no slips or relapses since D Day. The relationship you had unfortunately is gone, it’s a new and different relationship that emerges from this whole situation. Do I still have moments of doubt? Yes, but they are very infrequent and last a very short time now. It’s been 16 months since discovery and my life is amazing now. I have forged new friends, taken up new hobbies and have a wonderful life outside of my relationship. My marriage is a happier one than it had been for a while, he puts my needs ahead of anything along with working his recovery and surprisingly, yes I do love him just as much as before discovery. I know it isn’t for everyone and only time will tell for you but my experience has been that yes it can work and happiness and love can be found again. I hope that you take care of yourself and remember that you are your priority. Wishing you all the happiness in the world whatever the future holds in regards to your relationship xx

I am so sorry to hear this and my heart goes out to you. Please make sure you are being kind to yourself and making your health a priority. Also if you have a therapist reach out for some help, if you haven’t then get in touch with one for some advice on how to best manage your pain. You will naturally be grieving the loss of your relationship and the future you thought you had, as hard as it is you will need to focus on the here and now and deal with each day as it comes. No two days will hold the same issues so you will need lots of support from family and friends. Im hoping someone will be along who has experienced similar to give you some comfort as how they processed separation, but reach out if I can be of any help. Take care and sending you virtual hugs xx

You are very welcome and please reach out if you need someone to ask for help or even if you need a rant or someone to vent to. Always remember this is nothing about you as a person/woman/wife, it is his issues at needing to numb himself from poor self esteem and to deal with his faulty core beliefs about himself. Take care lovely and keep coming back here as there are others who want to assist you but don’t visit as often.

Hi if you feel this is an addiction then you are probably correct. The next step for you is to get help, no procrastinating! Look for a therapist trained in sex/porn addiction and get started with SAA, there are hundreds of meetings online if you can’t find one locally. Good luck on your recovery journey.

Hi @KayMarieit can be difficult to believe someone who has betrayed your trust in the past. My husband did drip feed me information over a six week period but after he did a timeline with his therapist it was everything he had divulged during that time. To be honest I struggled at first to believe him but as he put it, it was hard for him to remember everything at first has he had repressed a lot of things so it took him having to remember things he didn’t want to remember. I do feel now that everything was revealed to me. as he put it, there’s no point holding anything back as anything not revealed would fester and one little secret would be enough for the addiction to feed upon and the whole hijacking of his mind would restart. Be kind to yourself as much as you can, it’s a lot to have to deal with. You will know at some point going forward if you feel safe enough to start believing and trusting again.

Happy to help and please reach out anytime. Others will be along at some point to offer advice. In the meantime just take it one day at a time. The past has gone and we can’t change it, the future we cannot predict but we can make changes in our present to have a happy and fulfilling life. Wishing you all the best and sending you virtual big hugs xx

Hi @KayMariesorry to see you her but welcome. I’m pleased your husband is in therapy. Please look for a Csat therapist for partners for yourself, if there isn’t one near you there are plenty that do online via phone or zoom. The pain you are feeling is totally normal and acceptable and I recommend no big decisions for 6-12 months regarding your marriage. Michelle Mays book The Betrayal Bind is a brilliant book for what you are going through and helped me immensely. Unfortunately we have no control over the future as to if this could occur again and obviously we cannot trust like we did before, but if your partner does the work there is no reason he will not remain in good recovery forever. In the meantime you need to concentrate on your own well being, take good care of yourself, eat well, plenty of rest and find hobbies that give you time, space and enjoyment outside of the relationship. Happy to help in anyway I am able, reach out anytime.

Hi @Kristinaunfortunately porn viewing has now become a porn addiction epidemic worldwide. In my case it started 35 years ago and I knew nothing until it escalated into sex addiction which I discovered January 2022. It totally blew my world apart. The biggest reason I stayed in my marriage is that my husband acknowledged his problems and has been in recovery for the past 15 months with no slips or relapses. The worst thing about discovery is the impact it has on our self worth, it takes time to realise this has absolutely nothing to do with us but stems from their own low self esteem usually from childhood where porn became a way to numb their pain. Once that dopamine hit is found it becomes their go to, unfortunately they need more and more to feel absolutely anything despite the guilt and shame they feel. You must set boundaries to feel safe in your relationship, porn blockers, no locked devices and preferably he starts therapy and SAA meetings. Without addressing the problem it will not go away, it will just keep growing. Here if I can be of any help, just post here or DM me.

Hi @Mumof2UKso sorry you have found yourself here. It must be difficult that your husband can’t admit to his addiction, but until he does that leaves you stuck between a rock and a hard place. For your own mental health I don’t recommend that you pretend this isn’t happening. You don’t need to be confrontational in your approach to him but I believe the only way forward in any marriage is honesty and open communication. You have the right to feel comfortable in your relationship and it is your right to expect your partner to be trustworthy. Boundaries are a must eg he should acknowledge he needs help in stopping, the old it isn’t hurting anyone is BS as you are hurting. You are entitled to lay down some rules like therapy, SAA meetings. If he isn’t in agreement then only you can set the consequences for him not getting himself sober and being the life partner you deserve. Please feel free to reach out if you need any help but in the meantime have a look at the rob weiss podcasts and the Wetonglen website.

Hi @Sen19 I can totally relate to what you said about your relationship. I myself knew that throughout my 35 year relationship that there were volatile and sometimes even toxic times in our marriage. I could never put my finger on why, obviously after DDay it all made sense. I spent years fighting with him to understand why we had so many happy times for it to blow up at various stages. The bad times were occurring when he was in his acting out cycles, his guilt and shame caused him to become isolated and his coping mechanisms were to enter fight mode and become defensive about every aspect of his life. Arguments caused distance between us which made it easier for him to hide what was happening. I do wish sometimes that I had been a little less argumentative myself but we can’t change the past. It’s taken me over 12 months of therapy to be at the stage where I know I’m staying out of choice and not through fear or codependency. Be kind to yourself at present, alcohol and drug addiction are so different to sex addiction as it feels so personal but it honestly has nothing to do with us. Take care and if I can help in anyway please reach out.

Hi @soniaim in the Uk and polygraph testing isn’t the norm here, to be fair they aren’t reliable enough to be used in court so it isn’t something I would rely on anyway. I did far too much digging at discovery and now know more than was healthy for me. I recommend that people get full disclosure but not the details. The reason I feel this is because as you stated, the horrible mind movies that torment you especially in the early months. I promise it does get easier, or at least most betrayed partners I’ve spoken to along with myself have found this to be the case. It won’t be perfect and there will be moments it jumps into your brain but handling it gets better the more you heal yourself. Can they stop? Thousands upon thousands of addicts have managed to stop their acting out behaviours because they wanted to be rid of it and to have a better more fulfilling life with real connections. They have to continually make sure they maintain their recovery, therapy SAA meetings, fellowship etc but yes it is possible. My husband has been sober since d/day January 2023, and although it’s early days I can honestly say that the man he is today was robbed for 35 years of being an amazing human by his addiction, he has so much more zest for life and is on the whole much happier. He likes his life more now and more importantly he now likes himself. I wish you all the best and I’m here if you need any advice or just someone to listen x

Hi @Deoit always pains me when someone new arrives on here, this addiction is so much more prevalent than most people know. Unfortunately for us it has become a hard hitting reality. Your husband must find out the root of why he uses sex to numb himself from life. My husband came from an abusive childhood at the violent, drunken hands of his father and an emotional mother who couldn’t/wouldn’t defend her children. Due to your husband repressing his feelings, lying and manipulating it will take time for him to learn to communicate and confide in you. I’m 14 months out from discovery and it is still sometimes like communicating with a manchild. But it’s progress not perfection. Please understand that your value is not defined by your husband, you are a unique human being (there is literally only one of you on this planet)! Lots of self care is what you need and require at the minute. I always say we can support our wayward partners but their recovery is theirs alone. You should look into therapy for yourself as your poor nervous system is in trauma. I found besides talk therapy that somatic healing and EMDR to be really beneficial for handling triggers. Please look at setting boundaries, no passwords on any devices, no turning off location settings or the cctv. If boundaries are broken there have to be consequences which you must set, eg inhouse separation or even a time set out of house separation. Hopefully your husband is able to start therapy again and really should be doing SAA meetings online or in face at least weekly. My husband found Paula’s Pivotal to be a tremendous help. Please feel free to reach out if you need anyone to talk to and take care, lots of rest, eat well and exercise x

Hi my reply was in answer to @JEEM83asking the question why? I perhaps hadn’t made this clear, but without telepathy no one except her husband can answer that.

Hi @JEEM83 I’m so sorry for your pain and anguish. Unfortunately no one except your husband truly knows the answer to your question. We as partners know the absolute trauma of what this addiction does to us and the fear we hold inside of what if….? and I honestly feel for you. Please be kind to yourself and lots of self care. Firstly I would be asking why he felt the need to test himself, sobriety is about doing what you say you are going to do, Pivotal, Fortify, self care, exercise, journaling and many more things. It is not putting unnecessary temptations or obstacles in your way. At no point are they expected to put themselves through tests. He cannot be keeping things from you, secrets are a big no and lies an absolute hell no! If he isn’t being transparent then he is reverting back to his old ways and this could be a slippery slope and the road to ruin. Fortnightly therapy may not be enough but I appreciate the money issues. Does he do SAA meetings, free and available various times all day every day. You need to take stock and go back to what boundaries you had in place at discovery. Did you have consequences such as in-house separation? Open phone and other devices? Weekly check-ins to discuss how you are both feeling? He has to keep putting in the work as it is when they become lax that the addiction (which is always waiting for an opening) can hijack them. Remind him that he has far more to lose..his marriage, morals and integrity, than he has to gain…shame, guilt and loss of values. I personally would need him to be honest with his therapist also as how can he be helped if he withholds information that is critical to his recovery. You are your priority, you hold the power to make your life the best it can be and you deserve to have a relationship where you aren’t afraid and anxious. As hard as it is you need to be firm and set boundaries to make yourself feel safer and also for there to be consequences when they are broken. There is always hope, if you both really want it, just be firm in what you need going forward and take some time to process everything before making any decisions. Please reach out if you need anything and hopefully others will be along to help soon x

Hi @Lenet4 I feel so sorry that you’re husband is implying that HIS addiction is in any way your fault. He is using manipulation like a child who wants his own way to be able to keep on using porn. He is most likely numbing pain (probably from childhood) and even if there is some other underlying reason it isn’t, wasn’t and never will be anything that you are responsible for. I wish I could turn back the clock and approach my husband regarding his addiction as it was a whirlwind of hell back in January 2023. I was very confrontational, accusatory and sometimes downright mean but I myself was traumatised by discovery. The likelihood is that your husband will try to excuse, minimise, lie or as he has before, use manipulation and then blame you for his issues. I would make notes of everything that you wish to address, and then insist on putting boundaries in place for your peace of mind. Porn blockers on all devices, password to be disclosed to same devices. No phone in bathroom etc, the list needs to be things you personally require. Chances are he will spit out his dummy and wail about how unfair it all is, but you must keep your boundaries. I mean is it right he objectifies other women and sees them as nothing more than objects to satisfy his lust and then expect you to be ok with it? I would recommend him attending SAA and looking for a therapist in sex/porn addiction. Obviously you cannot make him do any of these things but you will have answers as to whether or not he wants your relationship to work. They say no big decisions on staying or leaving for 6-12 months but it seems you’ve been dealing with this for a long time now. Maybe he thinks that you will always tolerate this and stay so he has no need to address it and change. You have the right to have a happy and healthy life and relationship, so maybe do some work on yourself also, I found journaling and mindfulness to be really helpful. Lots of self care and doing things that make you feel good. Have a look at the Rob Weiss podcasts and also the Wetonglen website for advice also. Reach out if you have any questions and hopefully others will be along with help soon.

Hi is it possible for you to recommend your partner to this forum? We are here for you both, but she might need to speak with other partners who have experienced this behaviour and need help and support. We are here if you both need help and advice.

Hi @Tracyyou have received some brilliant advice from @Chandon The journey you have found yourself on is going to be the toughest you’ve ever faced but I can promise you that everyone here will do our best to support, advice and hopefully guide you. We have all had to educate ourselves on the subject of sex/porn addiction and it is mind blowing how prevalent it actually is. The one thing that will eventually give you comfort (it will take lots of time) is that this addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you. Look at all the celebrities who are married to rich, beautiful and successful women who still have fallen into this addiction. Sex/porn addiction generally stems from faulty core beliefs that usually start in childhood, feelings of low self worth that allow this addiction to hijack their brains and self soothing from masturbation becomes their go to. Over time this no longer serves its purpose and escalates beyond their control and further risk taking is used until the dark passenger is now in control of their lives and it will do anything to prevent them gaining control and ridding themselves of this problem. Therapy and SAA are a must as it is not something they can control themselves. My husband found the Pivotal from Paula Hall to be his lightbulb moment. Please look after yourself, eat properly, sleep is a priority along with getting yourself some therapy. You are suffering from betrayal trauma and likely will have PTSD symptoms which you need to address. Please reach out if I can be of any help, sending you lots of love and hugs and please continue to visit here whenever possible.

Hi @FlothebeagleI agree with @Chandon as I am also in a similar situation. My husband did not have gay sex but everything else is a carbon copy of your relationship. I have spoke to men who are sex addicts who have turned to gay sex and the common reason given was accessibility and also that money didn’t change hands so it was easier due to shared finances. Your priority at this moment is you, you cannot afford to worry about his recovery as it isn’t something you have control of (believe me I know how hard it can be), it’s natural to want to know what they are doing, where they are going. But that will be to your detriment, focus on yourself, eat well, exercise, even if it’s just going for a walk. Get as much rest as you’re able. Spend time with friends, family (you don’t need to tell them what is going on in your relationship if you decide not to) but finding joy and some happiness will be of comfort to you. You can support him and help him find resources eg therapy SAA but you can’t make him use them if he doesn’t want to. As Chandon says stay, leave, in-house separation aren’t things to prioritise at the minute, 6-12 months before making any major decisions was the best advice I ever received. My husband and I are still together after discovery January 2023, it has been the hardest year of my life but we are now happy again. The fact I now have the choice to stay based on knowledge and not from being lied to and manipulated is something I’m proud of, it takes just as much courage to stay as it does to leave. Im here if you need any advice or help on what worked for me. Take care and sending lots of your way.

Hi @Julie 2 I’m so sorry for your pain. Please know that everyone on this site is here for you. Firstly the locking of phone and/or any other devices is a big no no! I’ve said it before on here, but whatever you need in order to feel safe has to be a given. Blocker on phone, shared password and access to his devices are your right, hell if you need him to wear a purple dickie bow and learn to juggle then it is something he must be prepared to do. Every addict at some point thinks they can control their problems, but if white knuckling worked, there wouldn’t be any sex/porn addicts. You deserve full disclosure also, you were in a relationship prior to discovery without realising that the manipulation deprived you of making choices in your marriage. I am also in a similar situation as you and discovery was absolutely soul destroying. We have been where you are and have come through this with our marriage intact. Please reach out if I can be any help to you.

I’m not sure if this helps, but I heard that if porn/sex is an issue for you and something that you feel helpless to control then it is a problem/addiction. Only you can truly know and continuing in your recovery is the only way forward to a better life. A therapist who is trained in porn/sex addiction will be able to advise you better than anyone on here. Good luck on your recovery journey.

Hi @pippajk I wonder if the issue here is the fact that your boyfriend is either in denial of his problem or hasn’t reached his rock bottom where he wants to stop. I do feel the biggest concern, is that not only is he lying to you but also to his therapist. To admit to the problem has to be a priority, lies, gaslighting and manipulation are not to be tolerated. You need to stop concerning yourself with his actions at the moment and start working on your own wellbeing, as difficult as that is at first. Please start caring and loving yourself first and foremost. Self esteem is not something that is based on others opinions of you but on how you think about yourself. If it makes you happy to lose weight so be it, but surely it’s better to lose weight to be healthy than to try to be what you think he wants. He probably himself is not sure if he has a type. Usually porn/sex addiction is about anonymity, availability and self soothing. Boundaries need to be put in place to protect yourself, lies and dishonesty need to have consequences otherwise it gives carte blanche for him to behave however he chooses. Why would/should he change if nothing happens in the relationship when he is caught out. Have a look at Wetonglen as well as this forum, lots of brilliant advice on how to focus on yourself and also to get some understanding of what you both are dealing with. Reach out if I can be of any help hun.

@Roberto I’m so pleased that you’ve reached the point where you are able to move on and look forward to the future with your husband in a happier and healthier place. I personally would like to thank you for all the advice you have given, not only to me but also the countless others who have reached out on here. I wish you both the very best in every aspect of your life. Take care lovely xxx

Hi and welcome to this forum. Firstly congratulations on recognising your problem, and also on starting therapy and SAA. Please start to be a little kinder to yourself, this addiction affects the addicts as well as the partners. Your partner needs to work on herself and look into her own therapy and to not focus on your recovery. Where possible keep the lines of communication as it is a lot for you both to process. She has got a long road ahead of her, 3-5 years to have a good recovery. How she handles this trauma unfortunately doesn’t come with a guide book and there really isn’t a right or wrong way. I do recommend Wetonglen for her and the Robert Weiss podcasts for you both. Please talk to your GP if you are struggling, everyone has value and you deserve to have a healthy life. Good luck to you both.

It definitely is hard to trust again. I spent 12 months questioning how I had not been aware of anything, and I do mean anything regarding his addiction and his acting out. I look back now and the signs were there but hindsight is a useless talent. . I have spent a lot time working on myself to finally realise that it wasn’t naivety or stupidity that had me ignorant to it all, it was faith and trust in the person I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with. The manipulation and lying of any addict is on par with the best magicians. Trust is coming back but I know and he knows that it is probably impossible to ever trust 100% ever again. Take care and keep in touch.