Ginny
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Dear Leanne, thank you for sharing your story. It is not an easy thing to do. The discovery only happened 4 weeks ago, so at the moment you are still in shock and trying to get your head around all the lies and feelings of betrayal. You have mentioned your husband is in recovery and I hope is getting support through an experienced sex addiction therapist and/or attending SLAA or SAA 12 step programme. I am just wondering what support you are getting? The Laurel Centre offer counselling for the partner as well as information through our blogs (special section for partners - https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/categories/partners). The first step is to get some support for yourself, and help you understand the very normal questions that are flying around your head at the moment. It can feel incredibly lonely, so getting someone on your side is a step towards healing. Take care Ginny
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Dear Snowpatrol, thank you for sharing your story. The healing journey for the partner is very different to the one of the addicted partner. For the addicted partner, there is generally a sense of relief that the secret is out and they then get busy with positive steps in understanding their addictive behaviour and working towards a life without the addiction. For the partner, it is a massive shock as they did not know about the behaviour. Their world has been turned upside down. There is a level of trauma that needs to be healed from as well as trying to decide if they can trust their loved one ever again. Going back to counselling might be a good idea, as 3 years on, you will (I assume) are over the initial shock and have different things to process now, than what you processed at the time. The partner blog page is also a good resource for different stages of the healing journey for the partner. Take care of yourself Ginny
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Dear Axe20, thank you so much for sharing and well done in getting to 110 days (on 30th Jan). I hope your post will encourage others in their healing journey. Take care Ginny
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Glad my answer helped. Sorry for the late reply!
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Thanks for sharing this. It shows that it is not 'just' the sexual acting out behaviour that hurts the partner. It is the lying and covering of tracks that hurts and also gives you a shock. The feeling of being frozen, sounds like you have gone into shock. Your body and mind doesn't know what to do with this new bit of information. It brings up all the old feelings of when you first discovered his sexual acting out behaviour. It is tiring work being the partner of someone in recovery from sex addiction or porn addiction, especially in this time of Covid restrictions. Your usual places to receive self-care and nurture are restricted. I hope the feeling of shock will start to wear off. I have included a link to a blog on how the body deals with shock which I hope can help you: https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/how-the-body-is-affected-following-the-discovery-of-sex-or-porn-addiction It is good that he is in therapy and it would be good if he can talk about this situation with his therapist, as it was secretive behaviour and if he discusses it, he can then work out why he did what he did. This can then help for the future and also start to repair the damage he has done in your level of trust with him. Take care Ginny
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Dear Badirene, thank you for asking this question. The main purpose of a therapeutic disclosure, is to help the couple draw a line in the sand from the past behaviour and to move forward in their relationship. The disclosure is called therapeutic because it's main purpose is to be one of healing. It does sound like that your partner is not understanding your reason for the therapeutic disclosure to get a timeline clear in your head and also an opportunity for you to ask questions, even if it is him saying "no, there is nothing else to know". Maybe your partner does not fully understand how the therapeutic disclosure is managed. I would suggest he talks to his therapist about his fears and why he is resisting going through the process. Hopefully the therapist can reassure him. This blog explains how the therapeutic disclosure is managed through the Laurel Centre: https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/sex-addiction--guide-for-couples I also attach a blog, on how couples rebuild their life together. This might be a good discussion point for you both when looking at your relationship : https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction--rebuilding-your-life-together I hope the above helps. Kind Regards, Ginny
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As one of the Laurel Centre counsellors....I would say....that any counselling is a benefit! I would say counselling is worth the money. You are investing in your relationship and healing from the trauma of discovery of him looking at porn. My hunch from what you have said in this post and previous posts, is that his viewing of porn was opportunity based and only started when he retired. It sounds like the behaviour is not rooted in childhood difficulties or trauma based (which are harder to recover from). So, as the opportunity is now removed (restricting wifi etc) and you are retired (he is no longer on his own) and life is different, his boredom need is no longer there, and hence the desire to look at porn has gone. Couple counselling can help both of you to move forward and see what is good in your relationship as well as heal from this pain you are feeling. Kind Regards, Ginny
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Dear Squirrel, I echo what Domino69 said about this is not your fault. It is also hard to realise you can't control it, or cure it. Putting boundaries in place is a good place to start. The blog page for partners gives lots of information and hopefully will help you understand your own feelings and reactions. Last January we started a mini blog series for partners, so worth a read. Here is the first one: https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction Take care of yourself Ginny
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Dear Fool me once, Paula Hall's book written for the partners has a section about considering children's needs in her chapter "can the relationship survive". It might be worth buying? https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1138776521 All the best Ginny
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Hi Dan, our counselling team can help you. Please fill in the form in this link, and the Practice Manager will get in touch with you. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/contact-us. In the meantime, there is a lot of advice on how to start your road to recovery in our blog section - https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/categories/addiction-recovery. You can also register to join our short KickStart Workshop. - https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/courses/the-kick-start-workshop which starts on 29th January. All the best Ginny
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Dear Jay123, thank you so much for sharing your story. I think a Partner Workshop may help you to meet other partners in a similar situation. I note however that you are in the US but highlight the following UK organization's to which there may be others nearer to home. Concerned about the behaviour of another adult? - Stop It Now StopSO Support for Families Online Group » StopSO UK Both these organisations have online forums that you might find helpful in your situation. Certainly, if your therapist is not trained in sex addiction or trauma, then I think an online workshop would be worth investing in, as you have received a trauma and the workshop can start to give you some tools to understand what is going on in your body and mind. In the first instance I draw your attention to our Blog for Partners which you may also find helpful. The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Self-care (thelaurelcentre.co.uk) Here are a few testimonies from previous attendees of partner workshops: "I found many aspects of the day to be informative and enlightening because of the content and information. I thought the tutor’s approach and understanding of the subject was really helpful and I thought the way she listened and explained what was going on was compassionate and powerful." "It is very valuable to meet other partners of addicts, to stem the isolation and share experiences" "This course has helped enormously. I’ve found other people who understand me and who I am able to talk to. I’ve learnt to so much from Anita and the group. I feel I can progress and move forward. I feel less isolated." Please know that there are a lot of members on this Forum who have had similar experiences as yourself and please know that your posts are valued.
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Dear Scarlett, thank you for sharing and sorry to hear of the pain that you are going through and that you find yourself on this forum. It is incredibly difficult and I hope this forum can be a place to share your thoughts and feelings as well as get support from fellow partners. I am not too sure when you found out but I would suggest looking at the partner section on the blog page which can give you advice on getting through the next few days and weeks. Kind Regards, Ginny
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Dear Bean86, thank you for sharing part of your story and I am sorry to hear how things are for you at the moment. It was a few days ago when you posted, just wondering how you are doing? Firstly, your partner's behaviour is not your fault. The Laurel Centre blog page has a section purely for partners. There are some good articles in there which helps the partner see that it is not their fault and they did not cause the addiction. It might be worth reading through some of these to help you to shift the blame from yourself as well as give you some tools and ideas on how to support yourself. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/categories/partners All the best Ginny
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Dear Firefly, thank you so much for being honest about how hard this lockdown has hit you. Well done in not taking those thoughts further and that you were able to ground yourself in the love that surrounds you. I am glad the blog helped too. Keep safe. Ginny
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Dear Natalieb, the Laurel Centre do offer low cost counselling for clients. The counsellors are fully qualified but they are completing the Diploma in Sex Addiction Counselling course, so they need clients to gain client hours in this type of counselling. The counsellors are also trained to work with partners. It might be worth enquiring about that? Ginny
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Dear Natalieb, thank you for being brave to share your story. I would suggest that you find a counsellor who is trained in sex addiction and talk this through. There will be reasons why you are unable to confront your partner at this point in time. Talking with a counsellor who understands sex addiction, will be able to also guide through with you your fear of rocking the boat and losing him. My hunch that this fear is rooted in your childhood / attachment figures but I could be wildly wrong! Take care Ginny
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Dear Ann, thank you for sharing some of your story. It sounds incredibly difficult and with each revelation of 'slips' it is very painful. Firstly, I don't think you are a fool. The road to recovery for an addict is a hard one but it is also a hard one for the partner being on the receiving end. You cannot control his recovery. He is responsible for his own recovery. But you can put in boundaries for yourself (see this blog for more information on boundary setting https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction--rebuilding-your-life). I don't know what his acting out behaviour is, but questions that arise for me regarding your partner's slips are the following: - Does he know what his triggers are? - Does he know why he ended up acting out? - What actions has he put in place to not slip up again? - What are the consequences of slipping ? e.g he will tell you within 12 hours of the slip? rather than you discover the slip. - Do you have a weekly check in to talk about his soberity and your relationship? Having a clearer idea of what actions he is taking to prevent a relapse can both give you a gauge on how he is maintaining his recovery and hopefully to start building trust. Take care Ginny
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Hi Sunflower365, thank you for your update. Sorry to hear you are not sleeping and generally feeling rough. I think working out what you want from the relationship will help in deciding what to say when you meet. What boundaries would you like in place to help build trust. Do you plan to keep talking to him until he has done 3 months of therapy? Are you getting any support yourself? e.g. talking to friends / family or a trained sex addiction / porn addiction counsellor? The couples book by Paula Hall is also a good read for you to know what you want out of the relationship. Hope that helps. Ginny
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Dear Sunflower, I think you might be right in what you say with regards to letting go of the pain. I often hear of partners say if they have a good time with their addicted love one, they fear that their partner/spouse will think life is okay now and possibly give up keeping up with their recovery or that they are forgiven for all the pain and hurt - that they have been 'let of the hook'. It is quite difficult to explain this to the person in addiction recovery. It can feel like you are walking on a tightrope, trying to balance everything. However, couples do manage to get through this period of pain and find a place of peace. There is a point in time in the relationship that a line is drawn in the sand and the couple move forward but that time frame will be different for each person. The two testimonies on the forum show there is hope. All the best Ginny
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Dear Sunflower, how are you feeling today? Sounds like a tough few days you have been through. Thank you for sharing how you are feeling and what you are thinking. You have been such a support to people on this forum and I am sure this post even though it is horrible to know you are going through this, will hopefully help others in the same boat. That they can identify with you the rollercoaster of emotions that partners go through. It is not easy being a 100% supportive wife when you are hurting. You say your husband understands and supports you, so try and believe that he is strong enough to take your bad days and that he can wait until you are in a safer place to hear what he has learned from Paula's book. Take care Ginny
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untilThis 3 hour workshop delivered via zoom is suitable for anyone struggling with damaging sexual behaviours who wants a quick solution to understanding their problem and knowing how to overcome it. The workshop provides all the information and tools required to help you identify if you do have an addiction and understand the problem from a biological as well as a psychological perspective. The six-phase cycle of addiction will be introduced along with strategies for how to stop it. The stages of recovery will be fully explained and space provided to begin a recovery plan. By the end of the day you will be able to:- Confirm if you're addicted to sex or porn Understand addiction from biological and psychological perspective Recognise your own individual cycle of addiction Appreciate what full recovery means and how it’s achieved Consider a recovery path and plan Groups are completely confidential and anonymous and only first names will be used. Group size is limited to a maximum of 12 same-sex attendees with Q&A in smaller groups. The workshop runs from 2.00 pm to 5.00 pm on a Friday and is facilitated by Paula Hall. Please note, bookings are non-refundable.
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untilEvery Tuesday evening from 17th November for 7 weeks and one full day on Saturday 5th December - 10 am to 5 pm This recovery course takes the key elements of the London Intensive and combines them with the knowledge and experience we’ve gained from years of delivering group work recovery online. The course is an online virtual recovery group which is delivered via the Zoom video conferencing platform. It provides practical information and resources for stopping unwanted behaviours and developing long term relapse prevention strategies. The programme is both educational and practical and utilises both Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and psycho-educational strategies. The programme also provides a supportive online group environment to help overcome feelings of embarrassment and isolation and to facilitate a long-term accountability network. By the end of the course, attendees will be able to: Define positive sexuality and establish sexual boundaries Recognise and manage triggers Identify underlying contributing issues Establish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recovery Identify and overcome potential future blocks to recovery Develop long term strategies for re-establishing a positive sexual lifestyle Create a vision for the future and a personalised relapse prevention plan The course consists of 7 x 2 hour sessions plus one full day on either a Saturday or Sunday. It is delivered as both a weekly and an intensive two weekly format with homework assignments to complete between sessions. Attendance at each session is required and the course is strictly limited to a maximum of 6 men. Session 7 is our follow-up evaluation session which is provided approximately 4 weeks after session 7. All attendees are required to attend the Kick Start Recovery Workshop before attendance and undertake a brief initial assessment to confirm the programme is appropriate for their individual needs and circumstances and also to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost for the course is £825 which can be paid in instalments if required. Programme Session 1: Welcome and introductions Session 2: Personalising the Cycle of Addiction Session 3: Identifying deeper unresolved issues Full day: Sharing insights Session 4: Vision and values Session 5: Relapse prevention Session 6: Developing a recovery plan Session 7: Evaluating the journey NB: This programme is not suitable for people with offending behaviours .
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untilEvery Monday evening from 26th October for 7 weeks and one full day on Saturday 14th November - 10 am to 5 pm This recovery course takes the key elements of the London Intensive and combines them with the knowledge and experience we’ve gained from years of delivering group work recovery online. The course is an online virtual recovery group which is delivered via the Zoom video conferencing platform. It provides practical information and resources for stopping unwanted behaviours and developing long term relapse prevention strategies. The programme is both educational and practical and utilises both Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and psycho-educational strategies. The programme also provides a supportive online group environment to help overcome feelings of embarrassment and isolation and to facilitate a long-term accountability network. By the end of the course, attendees will be able to: Define positive sexuality and establish sexual boundaries Recognise and manage triggers Identify underlying contributing issues Establish relapse prevention strategies to secure and maintain recovery Identify and overcome potential future blocks to recovery Develop long term strategies for re-establishing a positive sexual lifestyle Create a vision for the future and a personalised relapse prevention plan The course consists of 7 x 2 hour sessions plus one full day on either a Saturday or Sunday. It is delivered as both a weekly and an intensive two weekly format with homework assignments to complete between sessions. Attendance at each session is required and the course is strictly limited to a maximum of 6 men. Session 7 is our follow-up evaluation session which is provided approximately 4 weeks after session 7. All attendees are required to attend the Kick Start Recovery Workshop before attendance and undertake a brief initial assessment to confirm the programme is appropriate for their individual needs and circumstances and also to sign a confidentiality statement to ensure the group is a safe space for all. The cost for the course is £825 which can be paid in instalments if required. Programme Session 1: Welcome and introductions Session 2: Personalising the Cycle of Addiction Session 3: Identifying deeper unresolved issues Full day: Sharing insights Session 4: Vision and values Session 5: Relapse prevention Session 6: Developing a recovery plan Session 7: Evaluating the journey NB: This programme is not suitable for people with offending behaviours .
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Dear Tabs, I am sad that there is not more support for you. In my opinion I would see you as a victim too, because the fall out of your husband's behaviour leaves the partner in a place of devastation and requires a lot of emotional and physical energy to keep going. Ginny
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untilSex and porn addiction can devastate partners and many people struggle to know how to support their partners whilst continuing on their own recovery journey. This 4 hour workshop focuses on understanding partner’s needs, improving communication and developing the essential requirements for rebuilding trust. The workshop has been specifically designed for people with addiction who are already in recovery and want additional insight and resources to rebuild their relationship. The workshop will help attendees to:- Understand the emotional impact on partners Understand how disclosure affects partner’s response Demonstrate empathy for partners feelings Manage their own internal emotional responses to partners Demonstrate empathy and compassion Improve accountability Develop better communication skills Resolve and reduce conflict Understand the essentials for rebuilding trust The workshop has been tailored for delivery online via Zoom and is delivered over 2, 2-hour sessions (Saturday 17th October 10.00 am to 12.00 noon and Monday 19th October 7.00 pm to 9.00 pm). It is delivered by an Associate who is a trained Relationship Counsellor as well as specialising in sex and porn addiction and working with partners. Places are limited to 6 attendees, so if you would like to join, please reserve your place now. NB – confidentiality is of paramount importance to the practice and hence attendees will only be required to give their first names during the workshop and no other personal details will be shared. Bookings are non-refundable.
