My husband is addicted to sex workers

[Jmpc68]

On 4/24/2023 at 2:06 AM, BetrayedNZ said:

I too have found out my long term partner is addicted to prob and sex workers. He has been visiting sex workers weekly!!

I feel so betrayed but understand this a sick addiction he has. I have got him some help but I guess it’s up to him now if he chooses to follow that through.

I’m distraught and at rock bottom with so much anxiety. 

Of all the couples that have commented on here, how many have made their relationship work and remained together?

I feel like this is a slippery slide 

Hi hun I am so so sorry that you’ve found yourself here. I’m 3 months into discovery and I never know what each day will bring. I am finally in a place where I’m eating and sleeping better but it has taken a while. As hard as it feels at the moment you must look after yourself, I know it does seem impossible but if you aren’t looking after yourself you will remain stuck. Get yourself a good therapist who is trained in sex addiction, it was the best thing I did, he has managed to keep me sane and grounded when all I’ve wanted to do is rage. As others have said we will never know if our partners are capable of changing but they need to be putting in the time and effort to sort their crap out. Therapy, meetings and whatever else you need him to do for you to feel safe, access to his phone, bank accounts etc, no matter how big or small he has to give. Plus we need to feel they are genuinely remorseful and willing to work on repairing the damage. I’m hopeful (ish) for the future but it’s early days yet and only time will tell if my faith in him will bear fruition, but by working on getting myself strong I know that even at almost 55 years old I will be ok with or without him. Take care hun and please keep in touch, there really are some wonderful people on here who have your best interests at heart.

[Ickygold]

Hi there, Me and my husband split a couple of months after discovery and are now divorced but I am now agonizing whether I could have supported him more. I miss him terribly and worry that I threw the towel in too easily although , he did act out and get arrested by the police after I asked him to stay with his brother for a few days . Despite this and the disappointment I felt at the time. My advice to anyone would be to try and work things out at least if you then decide to split you will know that you have given it your all. He is ghosting me now so I have no idea whether he is still going with prostitutes or whether in recovery. I can't believe I had a life with this man, all happy memories are now very distant.

[Jmpc68]

13 minutes ago, Ickygold said:

Hi there, Me and my husband split a couple of months after discovery and are now divorced but I am now agonizing whether I could have supported him more. I miss him terribly and worry that I threw the towel in too easily although , he did act out and get arrested by the police after I asked him to stay with his brother for a few days . Despite this and the disappointment I felt at the time. My advice to anyone would be to try and work things out at least if you then decide to split you will know that you have given it your all. He is ghosting me now so I have no idea whether he is still going with prostitutes or whether in recovery. I can't believe I had a life with this man, all happy memories are now very distant.

Hi hun please don’t beat yourself up about this, you did what you felt was the right thing to do at the time. There aren’t any right or wrong responses, we’re human beings not robots and you listened to what your heart and gut were telling you. I hope you’ve found yourself in a stronger and better place and if he has made the choice to continue on that path it isn’t nor ever was anything to do with you. Keep looking after yourself and if you need anyone to talk to please feel able to reach out via DM or just share here, take care.

[Ickygold]

thank you JMPC, I am so glad I have found this forum as we are all in the same boat so to speak I can speak to family and friends all day long but nobody actually understands what I am going through as it has never happened to them.

[Jmpc68]

You’re welcome Ickygold, I’ve not spoken to family as they are so judgemental and my 2 sisters divorced over such trivial things that they would give me so much grief that I’m white knuckling on my own. That’s why here and my therapist are godsends. 

[Chandon]

@IckygoldI heard a podcast with a similar story yesterday and the couple did get back together after divorce. I'm in the exact situation you describe. I'm trying to make the necessary repairs but it's so hard. Is your therapist your only outlet for support? So sorry to hear your pain especially when it sounds like you've done all the hard recovery work. Sending support x

[Amme R]

I don't know if I'm in right the place but my fiance of 1 year been together a while longer. We started off really bumpy were I can gather he was sleeping with multiple girls just for sex. We ironed that out he apologised but I realised because of this his porn intake increased to an absurd amount to a point where present day he's on adult website paying for cam girls and escort but is repulsed by the idea when I say it back to him. He was in denial for a while but has now come to terms and suggested he has a problem. I kind of knew but didn't know much about sex/porn/sex worker addicts. 

He has and the gp and has an appointment which is major progress. I just don't physically know how to support him because I feel so lost, hurt, disgusted the fact that I need to now go and have an STI check and I clearly need therapy as I naturally suffer with social anxiety. I absolutely love him to pieces as he is the most gentlest and caring guy I have ever been with. I'm guessing Im just hoping for some advice from women/men that have been through this and what I need to do to be in his corner 100% the correct way.

[Marls]

Hey Amme R, reading your story i fully understand how you feel. I didn’t know anything about my partner addiction so, when he told me, i was in shock.

with that said, the rest of my story is very similar to yours. He was disgusted of his behaviour, he wanted to get better and everything else you mentioned. 
 

on the 26th of May it will be a year that we started our own recovery with different therapists. We are still Together. 

i have never missed an appointment even tho the addiction wasn’t mine. 
he started very well, saa meetings and therapist once a week. He has now dropped the therapist session has he thought he could cure himself 😏 without professional help. He does meetings on the phone (only because we moved overseas). He will start therapy again as for me without it isn’t working.

he had some relapses. Watching porn. Or actually looking for naked girls on the website (google) trying to full fill his desire. He hasn’t (as far as I know) slept around with anyone. No escorts. No nothing.

as someone that has been through these for a year all i can say is, be strong, be prepared for the slips and don’t beat yourself up if you decide that you can’t do it along the way. It’s hard and it’s painful and the thought of what he did it will come back to you at unexpected times. Something as little as a movie that you are watching, or something you read on instagram will pop the bad thoughts in your head and question yourself. Am I doing the right thing? Should have left him when it all happened? 
 

the truth is I don’t know the answers. I got very close to leave him in the past few months as arguments got worse. My resentment.. the anger.

All i can suggest to you is to do what you can and if you really love him and he is keen to get better then maybe you should give him a chance. 
and do therapy for yourself because you didn’t do anything to deserve this and you deserve happiness. There’s people out there that knows how you feel and can really help you. It’s not a quick fix unfortunately but time will makes us feel better.  x

Edited April 30, 2023 by Marls

[Simon_in_Recovery]

Hi @Amme R welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your partner's issues. I'd highly recommend the Paula Hall books. There are three ... One understanding and treating the addiction, one for partners and one for couples. These can be very helpful, especially in your case the partner's book may help you understand and especially understand that the problem is in no way your fault. It certainly helped my wife greatly.

It's good that your partner has taken a first step at realising he has a problem. I don't know how much help would be available through the GP but it's definitely worth looking into that. The main thing that will get him on the route to hopeful recovery is that he must WANT to do it ... Often this is after reaching some kind of rock bottom. (in my case after 17+ years of acting out).

Best wishes,

Simon.

[Jmpc68]

On 4/29/2023 at 8:32 AM, Amme R said:

I don't know if I'm in right the place but my fiance of 1 year been together a while longer. We started off really bumpy were I can gather he was sleeping with multiple girls just for sex. We ironed that out he apologised but I realised because of this his porn intake increased to an absurd amount to a point where present day he's on adult website paying for cam girls and escort but is repulsed by the idea when I say it back to him. He was in denial for a while but has now come to terms and suggested he has a problem. I kind of knew but didn't know much about sex/porn/sex worker addicts. 

He has and the gp and has an appointment which is major progress. I just don't physically know how to support him because I feel so lost, hurt, disgusted the fact that I need to now go and have an STI check and I clearly need therapy as I naturally suffer with social anxiety. I absolutely love him to pieces as he is the most gentlest and caring guy I have ever been with. I'm guessing Im just hoping for some advice from women/men that have been through this and what I need to do to be in his corner 100% the correct way.

Hi Amme R, I hope you are looking after yourself hun. The STI test still hurts for me, my husband has been acting out the whole 35 years we have been together. It destroyed me to my very core when I started discovering this in January. He literally covered every acting out that could be thought of and more. I’m in therapy and just taking care of myself. At the beginning I tried to control his recovery by finding out as much as I could and pointing him in the right directions. It wasn’t until my therapist told me that it has to come from him and not me that I eased off. Hubby is doing everything he can, therapy, SAA meetings at least once a week, access to his phone, bank accounts, porn blockers on all gadgets with internet access etc. It’s hard to not want to have control but it really must be him doing the work. I sincerely hope that your partner can get the help he needs and that you’ll be a success story.

[Sanju]

I’m on same road with this trauma. Nearly 17 years of marriage with two kids. I found out about chats with women for nearly 15 times and forgave every time thinking of kids. He said he only chats. I didn’t know until last week he is an addict. He got 1000 of chats and videos and he used women to have sex. I’m in a trauma. I just don’t know how to cope. My family advised to leave him and looking at my kids I struggle to do so as they only got us in this country.  I contact the talking therapist to see if they would help as private therapies cost very high. I still don’t know what to do. Whyyyy 

[Jmpc68]

Hi Sanju it’s so sad that you have found yourself here, the people on here are all going through this trauma and would probably tell you those first hours, weeks and months are so difficult. If you don’t have access to a therapist for whatever reason then make an appointment with your doctor who might be able to help out in the meantime. Don’t make any decisions on your marriage too soon, I’m sure your family think they are helping and putting your best interests first but unless someone has been in this situation they will never understand. Take your time and allow yourself to feel whatever you need, ask family to help with the children so you can focus some time on yourself. Stay in touch and we’ll do our best to help you. Some of the nicest people I’ve ever heard from are on here and their advice as helped me tremendously. Take care hun.

[Sanju]

Thank you

[Milena]

@Sanjuhi, i am sorry that you had to join our club, but believe me you are not alone. I found out about my husband's addiction 4 months ago so is still really fresh. Give yourself time a much as u want,  try to focus on yourself not your husband addiction. It is really funny because i felt really miserable with my life, i have a full time job, a good job but i was never sure what i want to do next with my life i felt stuck, and because of my husband addiction i kind of found myself, i know what i want to do with my life moving forward,  i think i needed a kick in my ass and my husband addiction was definitely one

[May224]

Hello, I am two week out from finding out my husband of 23 years has been  texting and seeing prostitutes for s year plus and who knows maybe more.  He tried to deny it but I had the proof. He admitted it and said I have not been present as s wife and what do I expect. He was getting bbfs . I told him he can lose his career, go to jail, catch stds or give me some. 
merry have two sons together (18/16) and my oldest has special needs. I feel like I need to keep the security and stability of our home going for his sake. But another part of me wants a divorce and start over. He is sick and suffering and making really poor choices in his life. Any advice ? Or if you are willing to talk or text let me know, I need to find s support system and f someone who has gone through this… 

 

[Chandon]

@May224Welcome to the club you don't wish to be part of. It's not surprising to us here who have all been suffering with these revelations for many months now some of us years. Early advice is to always put your self and your own safety first. Get tested for STIs. Your partner will be using dysfunctional coping mechanisms for the next year wether he is in recovery or still acting out. Do not expect, trust or believe anything until your instincts tell you it's absolutely true. For me I didn't tell anyone. Things may be very different for you in 6-12 months and if all your friends, family and children know about it the situation may be very difficult to navigate. I'm 6 months in and I'm happy to send you all my resources I used to learn about it and find comfort and support. Send me a message if you want the information. Keep reaching out it's bloody lonely but there are people here who will help you. Take care and don't suffer alone. sending love x

[Milena]

@May224hi, I am so sorry you found yourself in this situation and I know how dramatic it is to find something like this. at the beginning they will blame you but u need to know is not your fault and probably he was an addict before he met you. maybe he wasn't seeing sex workers but definitely he was watching porn or sextexting. it is addiction and it does progress but even if u will be the best wife in the world u will not be able to prevent his addiction. we are here to support each other. if u need to vent vent. I am almost 5 months since I found out. 

[Gweiadur]

Well after so long what a relief to find this website.  In a nutshell, together with my husband for 44 years, 42 married, 2 beautiful daughters and 4 grandchildren.  I always knew something wasn’t right, a year after we were married he was seen masturbating in car and police arrived at our door and he was given a warning.  I didn’t quite understand, I was 21 and so much in love.  He was a strange character, struggled to communicate and couldn’t handle any kind of confrontation, so he would just leave and go back to his parents regularly.  When our youngest daughter was 18 months old I filed for divorce on the grounds of emotional abuse, he begged me not to go through with it, I didn’t, big mistake.  He is not a bad person on the contrary everyone who knows him thinks he’s wonderful, he tells me constantly how much he loves me and couldn’t live without me.  Working with children who have special needs for over 23 years, I felt his problems could lie with him being on Autistic spectrum, however, in the last few years have realised he is a sex addict.  During our time together, he had constantly sourced on line sex, visited prostitutes/escorts ( he thinks they are different), Skyped women to masturbate and then asked them if they wanted to meet up, he even had a fling with a close friend.  He will not admit to anything, even if evidence is in front of him.  Recently he has admitted that he is ashamed and hates himself for what he has done, do I believe him, no I don’t. A few years ago when I found out he’d been with a prostitute he suggested he might need help but it came to nothing.  So  I am no longer concerned with his idle promises but I need to find some kind of peace for myself in these twilight years, I no longer love him but do care about him.  The reason I am writing this is - I left it too long before I took action, please don’t think a sex addict can change without help, how naive was I but then he was such a good liar.  
My thoughts are with all those that have contributed here, I hope everything works out and the healing process can begin, unfortunately for my story it is beyond hope.

[Jmr]

Hi

I am also going through dealing with finding out my husband has a sex addiction, I found out about his excessive porn watching and found out he has at least twice seen an escort and I feel it’s alot worse than I actually know, is there a support group for spouses ? I feel so alone as it’s very difficult to talk to anyone as it’s a really difficult subject to bring up with friends , I’m struggling so badly , 35 years of thinking you know someone then it’s all thrown into chaos, please if there is some support groups I really need some to talk too , thank you 

[Steph]

On 5/14/2023 at 3:20 PM, Chandon said:

@May224Welcome to the club you don't wish to be part of. It's not surprising to us here who have all been suffering with these revelations for many months now some of us years. Early advice is to always put your self and your own safety first. Get tested for STIs. Your partner will be using dysfunctional coping mechanisms for the next year wether he is in recovery or still acting out. Do not expect, trust or believe anything until your instincts tell you it's absolutely true. For me I didn't tell anyone. Things may be very different for you in 6-12 months and if all your friends, family and children know about it the situation may be very difficult to navigate. I'm 6 months in and I'm happy to send you all my resources I used to learn about it and find comfort and support. Send me a message if you want the information. Keep reaching out it's bloody lonely but there are people here who will help you. Take care and don't suffer alone. sending love x

@Chandon Hi Chandon. I am also  interested in any of the resources you have used for yourself. I haven't made an official post yet on this forum, but it definitely helps to know that I am not alone in this. Thanks again

[Steph]

Hi everyone... I am not sure how this works, where to even begin...

So I just found out 4 days ago that my boyfriend of 2.5 years has been meeting with escorts. The last month or so, he was very observant when I would be on my phone; asking who I am texting, what am I writing, etc. and more protective of his own phone. I have never snooped through his phone, computer, etc. So I decided to review the call/text logs on the cellphone bill. I noticed odd text and call numbers, all while I would be at work. I googled just one number and it was a direct link to one of the escort webpages. I work the nightshift (Nurse); so I began to look back at when he would say goodnight, I love you, etc., and minutes later, the phone log would show the escort numbers. How can someone tell me they love me and then message an escort?

While barely able to speak and sobbing my eyes out, I confronted him and asked "You are paying for Escorts?" He paused for a bit, and without any hesitation, he said "yes." I asked him why; and without even breaking a sweat, he responded with "To f**k them." He stated that he does not see them as humans, but more of an object. He also stated he is willing to get help if I give him a chance to work out. I still have not sat down to have an actual conversation (was there trauma? what triggers it?), only bits and pieces because my emotions are completely scattered. I go through the different stages of grief about 10 times a day. I just got home from work and I already called out of work for tonight; I had too many triggers throughout the shift and would have to run to the bathroom to cry and let it out.

I have always been a very black and white person; I am very direct; no in-betweens; I am extremely independent; I am always the one helping people out from any situation; I am the listener; the jokester; nothing really bothers me. But this has completely torn me and shattered me in ways I cannot explain. Never did I think that someones actions could affect me in such a way.

Does he even have an idea of the permanent pain/damage he has caused me? Is he aware that his actions are not normal? Does he regret it every time he does it? I don't know where to even begin. 

(Also, I reside in the US in Florida... none of the pages caught my attention... I love how everyone on this thread helps everyone out... I hope someday I can obtain enough knowledge on this topic to help others during this time of confusion and sadness.) 

[Jmpc68]

@Stephim so sorry this has happened to you. I’m sure you e read numerous posts on here telling you to get some help for yourself. I’m 4 months from first discovering and 3 months from total discovery. The PTSD and trauma is horrific and we all know exactly how you are feeling . Finding yourself a therapist who deals with partners of sex addiction is your main priority. At the minute it’s too raw for you to make decisions about your future with or without your partner. Look after yourself as best as you are able and feel free to get in touch with me either on this site or via DM. Take care and know we all know exactly what you’re going through.

[Chandon]

@Gweiadurthe ASD does have a huge impact on his addiction. If you read up on it you will see how the addiction works side by side to regulate the dysregulating hyperactivity going on in the brain. I'm in a similar situation to you. My husband is 100% convinced that it's been the driving force behind his disease and is going through diagnosis now. It's of little consequence to me I still feel so hurt but it does explain why so young my husband couldn't stop the compulsive behaviour and how it has dominated his life. Send me a DM if you want to speak in greater detail. Keep reaching out on this forum for support. It's a bit less lonely when you do. There are a lot of people going through very similar don't struggle alone. Take care x

[Hyde_grrl]

I've been dealt with trying to digest / comprehend / get over / live with my partner and his sexual addiction. He admitted a number of things (alcohol, drugs, prostitutes) but I think he is still lying to me. He has an excuse for everything. He came clean and said it wouldn't be a problem any more but it's still all so shady. I've tried to leave him but he won't let go. He just keeps convincing me he will be truthful and I keep catching him in lies. I want to believe him because it's hard for me to understand but the longer this goes on, the deeper it goes.  As normal functioning people, we are so good together. I don't understand why this would be a factor. He and I are such a good compliment but there this ugly underside where the second he is alone (bathroom, work, car, etc) he's setting up his next appointment or shady shit.  Even just typing it out I'm like "get out!!". I'm so ashamed that none of my friends know. I feel very alone

[Jmpc68]

On 5/29/2023 at 1:22 AM, Hyde_grrl said:

I've been dealt with trying to digest / comprehend / get over / live with my partner and his sexual addiction. He admitted a number of things (alcohol, drugs, prostitutes) but I think he is still lying to me. He has an excuse for everything. He came clean and said it wouldn't be a problem any more but it's still all so shady. I've tried to leave him but he won't let go. He just keeps convincing me he will be truthful and I keep catching him in lies. I want to believe him because it's hard for me to understand but the longer this goes on, the deeper it goes.  As normal functioning people, we are so good together. I don't understand why this would be a factor. He and I are such a good compliment but there this ugly underside where the second he is alone (bathroom, work, car, etc) he's setting up his next appointment or shady shit.  Even just typing it out I'm like "get out!!". I'm so ashamed that none of my friends know. I feel very alone

Hi hun so sorry you had to be here. I think quite a few of us have kept betrayal from our friends and family and it is a difficult situation to be in. I would recommend getting yourself some professional help from a therapist who is trained in sex addiction and to get yourself checked out for stis to be on the safe side. Your priority is you and only you at the moment. Hardest thing for us all at the beginning is the realisation that we can’t control their addiction or recovery, but we can definitely make sure we look after ourselves.