Jmpc68 Posted April 9 Report Share Posted April 9 On 4/8/2024 at 9:12 AM, Sen19 said: The fact this thread started in 2017 and is still active is gut wrenching, but I’m glad I found this. I’m 3 weeks from DDay, shocked to find out my husband’s been seeing sex workers for 3.5 years, started when I was pregnant with our second daughter. We’ve been together 11 years, and married for 1.5. He’s always been a good husband and father, and I saw him as a decent and loyal person. And he’s always been very sexually attracted to me, complimenting my appearance and body, and initiated heaps of sex (a bit more than I wanted to). There was no reason to doubt any type of infidelity… Though one thing I’ll admit is that our relationship had lots of ups and downs (well, volatile tbh…). We’ve been through a lot, including he’s alcohol addiction and recovery. He’s been in recovery for 7 years, not a single drop until the weekend before DDay, and that was also how I found out about the sex worker visits when snooping around on his phone. Needless to say, my world’s been turned upside down… again… Lots of talking happened since, from the way he described his reasons, actions, feelings surrounding the visits I could instantly tell that this is a form of addiction. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, but the some parts in me takes some kind of comfort in knowing that it was an addiction and there was no emotions or love involved. What I was not expecting though was my reaction of “keep him and help him, no matter what”. Gosh it’s a legit fear of mine - fear of losing him, and the fear of him not wanting to work on us anymore - and it puzzles the heck out of me. I have a good job (more than enough to support myself and both daughters), I have some emotional support, and my daughters will be better off knowing their mum stood up for herself. But why can’t I seem to leave him? Anyone else feeling the same or similar? Does this feeling go away? Hi @Sen19 I can totally relate to what you said about your relationship. I myself knew that throughout my 35 year relationship that there were volatile and sometimes even toxic times in our marriage. I could never put my finger on why, obviously after DDay it all made sense. I spent years fighting with him to understand why we had so many happy times for it to blow up at various stages. The bad times were occurring when he was in his acting out cycles, his guilt and shame caused him to become isolated and his coping mechanisms were to enter fight mode and become defensive about every aspect of his life. Arguments caused distance between us which made it easier for him to hide what was happening. I do wish sometimes that I had been a little less argumentative myself but we can’t change the past. It’s taken me over 12 months of therapy to be at the stage where I know I’m staying out of choice and not through fear or codependency. Be kind to yourself at present, alcohol and drug addiction are so different to sex addiction as it feels so personal but it honestly has nothing to do with us. Take care and if I can help in anyway please reach out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Badge Posted April 28 Report Share Posted April 28 My husband left. I am still in disbelief as I type this. He is almost 7 months ‘sober’ and has decided that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I now feel even more foolish for staying with him after D Day. What makes it even more worse is that we were finally about to receive good news in terms of our fertility journey. I feel like he has completely destroyed me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jmpc68 Posted April 29 Report Share Posted April 29 On 4/28/2024 at 7:08 PM, Badge said: My husband left. I am still in disbelief as I type this. He is almost 7 months ‘sober’ and has decided that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I now feel even more foolish for staying with him after D Day. What makes it even more worse is that we were finally about to receive good news in terms of our fertility journey. I feel like he has completely destroyed me. I am so sorry to hear this and my heart goes out to you. Please make sure you are being kind to yourself and making your health a priority. Also if you have a therapist reach out for some help, if you haven’t then get in touch with one for some advice on how to best manage your pain. You will naturally be grieving the loss of your relationship and the future you thought you had, as hard as it is you will need to focus on the here and now and deal with each day as it comes. No two days will hold the same issues so you will need lots of support from family and friends. Im hoping someone will be along who has experienced similar to give you some comfort as how they processed separation, but reach out if I can be of any help. Take care and sending you virtual hugs xx 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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