My husband is addicted to sex workers

[Redhead]

My husband and I have been dealing with his sexual addiction for 3 years now. I found out about it when i was pregnant with our first daughter and it broke my heart, I thought we were moving past this and I just recently seen that he started it up again, he hasn’t actually met up with any escorts but he tries very hard and watches porn a lot. I have no one to talk to about this and it breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do anymore if I should just leave him or help him overcome his addiction.

[Kem F]

Hello there! 
my name is Kem. I found this website looking for support for the same issues mentioned in this thread.

My partner and I have been together for 8 years. I found out about his double life that he had been living for over 2 of the past years of our relationship. I was hurt and all the things you all have mentioned. We separated for 3 months and have begun to reconciliation efforts. I know things are not the same obviously, I knew this because I am a no nonsense person and knew our relationship cannot be the same as it was. I guess I was curious as to what comes next. How do you regain some type of normalcy. I am emotionally spent from all this and am just wondering if there’s hope. I want things to work even if it’s just to get to a forgiving point.

All suggestions are welcome. . Thank you all so much!! 

[Michelle 81]

I am so glad I have come across this post. I myself have just found out that my husband of 17 years has both porn and sex worker addiction.I always knew something wasn't right but he was never honest until very recently. 

I have decided to stand by him as this has been going since before we even met. We met on a chat line, I was having a laugh with some friends after a night out and started speaking with him. We met 3 months later.

I and his family are where lied to at first but we got there in the end. This relates back to his childhood and it seems to be a coping mechanism. I couldn't understand at first but we got deep and we seem to have got to the bottom why.

He doesn't deal well with pressure and it was his way of letting steam off. 

I am deeply hurt and sex maybe hard when we get to that point. If it was an affair this would have been a different story. 

We arr both in couple and personal therapy and we get through this. 

[Jasmine]

On 10/22/2017 at 8:07 PM, Eliza said:

Eliza I know it’s been a while but I’m currently going through the same situation, did it get easier ?

 

[Eliza]

On 3/26/2022 at 2:14 AM, Jasmine said:

 

Firstly, I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope you're doing ok. Please look after yourself, this is a huge trauma and self care is important.

In answer to your question, well... I am still with my husband! After posting on this forum I joined one of the PH partner support groups and it did honestly really help me, I had a series of weeks where I spent more time understanding the addiction but also, more importantly, understanding my own trauma and its effect. It's also given me a group of women I can still talk to when things get rough.

It's a long road, and it's still a road we are navigating. His recovery is 2 steps forward, 1 step back. In some respects his recovery has really improved some aspects of him as a person - he is more humble, less ego, less aggression. As a couple we've been through couples counselling and gained more of an understanding of each other, better communication skills. We have, during certain periods, felt much closer to each other and been almost back to 'normal'.

But he HAS slipped, on a few occasions, and the part he struggles with the most is the shame and the lying to me - when he has slipped ('big' slips, e.g. he has found ways to watch porn, he got back into secret spending on a credit card or flirted with other girls via social media), I have still been in a situation where I 'caught him out' and he did not own up to me straight away - even though we agreed he has a 48 hour window to tell me. I think this is the hardest part, even with all the therapy, all the counselling, the lying is like second nature to him and has been since he was young. And the lying is the most awful part for me. As a result I'm still, almost 5 years on, rebuilding trust - we are getting there, but I honestly don't know that I will ever get it back 100% and that is really sad. But he's also the father of my daughter and still a great dad, and I can't ignore that he has made many strides in his personal recovery and has made some real progress.

So is it easier? Yes, it is... but I still get knocked sideways every now and then by a slip and we still go through some very rough times.

What I would say is, don't make any big decisions now. You need time to process, to heal and to understand.

If you are able, seek out counselling or support groups with other partners (and if you are struggling financially - still ask, they may take your situation into account) because I still, 4-5 years on, message that group of ladies when something bad happens and just knowing that there are other people who understand the pain of this addiction, and what it means for us as partners, is invaluable.

PM me if you'd like xxx

[ashc]

Hi

[ashc]

On 6/14/2021 at 8:22 AM, Lala44 said:

Hello.  

Is this still an active page?  I am currently dealing with my spouses sex addiction which I learned of early April 2021.  I need someone to talk to,  

Hello, how can I join the partner support groups please ? I am dealing very badly and severely affected by my spouse’s betrayal - 3 sex workers  in 1 week and splurging on 3 hotels while I’ve been scrimping and saving to feed the family and pay for childrens’ expenses while he says he’s broke as the company he’s with is still affected by covid. This is not the first time and I’m seriously considering divorce but I really need to talk to people who can understand what I’m going through… 

[Marls]

Hi Lala, 

 

i found out on Tuesday about my partner been sex addicted. I am here for your same reasons, a page to vent and talk to someone that is going through the same. I’ve literally just signed up so i’m not sure how it works.

[ashc]

Hi marls, I’m sorry to hear about your situation . I found out on Monday and when I caught him at the hotel where he just had the prostitute, he right out said he’s not attracted to me , he can’t even do it with me with the lights off, he doesn’t love me anymore, he wouldn’t even get jealous if I had a boyfriend outside. And he asked for a divorce even when I said I wanted to work things out for the sake of our 2 children . I just can’t believe while I’ve been paying for the hotels etc everything for our upcoming family holiday next week because he always says he doesn’t have money, he’s been spending money on hotels with prostitutes. I’m devastated and this is me recovering from an episode a year ago where he chatted up young girls on an app and even sent her a picture of him holding his erect dick - which my 10 year old girl accidentally and unfortunately saw. 

[Marls]

I am so so sorry. 
My partner, told me everything as he couldn’t keep it for himself anymore. We have since talk to a therapist, had our first session as a couple but eventually we will have separate ones as we both need help. He needs help to get better, i need help to feel better and be better for the sake of our little girl and eventually our relationship. 
I honestly don’t know anything about sex addiction and I can’t really help you understanding your husband, I’m learning each day something new but, what i do know, is that you need all the support you can find. Therapist maybe meetings for partners. Talking about it and listening to other stories might make you feel better and definitely not alone. Here if you need to talk. 

[sad soul]

[Sunflower]

On 10/2/2021 at 7:37 PM, Michaela said:

I’m 2 months in after finding out my husband and partner of 15yrs has been seeing prostitutes for 21yrs. He’s been living a double life for our entire relationship. This has devastated me! I don’t understand how anyone who claims to love you would be capable of doing something so awful. How can they possibly go out and have sex with an escort then come home and make love to their wife? It’s so very alien to me and just so wrong. His therapist says he’s very good at compartmentalising everything. He’s doing what he needs to do in therapy and hasn’t touched himself or anything since I found out, he’s so ashamed. We are working on ourselves first before even thinking about our marriage. It’s so disgusting the way people assume it’s me or my fault my husband is a SA. Our sex life has always been very good and he started way before we met. He may not of had sex with escorts every month or every few months but there’s always been something in the background feeding the addiction, pornography, looking on escort sites, flirting etc. There’s been no respect at all and I deserve so much better than this!! 

Just come across this. Exactly my story! Hope you’re doing ok. X

[Gabi]

On 10/20/2017 at 10:02 AM, Anon89 said:

I have just experienced the worst two weeks of my life. 

My partner and I have been together for 6 years, married for a year and bought a house together earlier this year. I thought everything was going so well, we were so happy, or so I thought.

Two weeks ago I made the startling discovery that my husband has been sleeping with escorts. Throughout our whole relationship, not only that but I also discovered a whole load of debt (£4K!) on a credit card which I knew nothing about, and emails to an online doctor service asking for treatment for chlamydia. It has come as a huge shock to me, huge shock. It’s really affected me in so many ways. I asked him to leave and he’s gone to stay with his family but he is having to come back ‘home’ next week. 

I have literally felt every emotion under the sun. From anger to disgust to hatred to blaming myself to stress to upset. Just about every emotion. 

I have told close family and friends and they have all been very understanding. Well as much as they can be in this situation. It has come as such a shock to everyone. 

We have made progress, he has come clean to me, and his family and a close friend. He has gone to the GP, who have diagnosed him with depression and given him anti-depressants. I have been to relate for counselling for myself, and obviously got myself checked for STIs (still anxiously awaiting results!) and he has arranged to meet with a counsellor specialising in this on Weds. I have also downloaded the book for partners by Paula Hall and it is a very interesting, eye opening read which I can very much relate to. He has also purchased the other book by Paula Hall for him. 

So, he is ashamed of himself, he physically threw up as he told me. He wants help, we are making the right steps. I just fear there is no hope - I’m not sure if we’ll survive this. I’m not going to be someone who needs to check his phone, emails, bank accounts because that is absolutely no life for me either. It’s affected enough of my life already, I can’t let it consume anymore. 

I just feel so lost, so numb, so confused by it all. It’s just taken me by total surprise. Our sex life was okay, in recent months it’s hardly been anything but I put that down to myself being busy. I feel like I don’t know him anymore, that I’ve seen a side to him I really don’t like, I just don’t know what more we can do. Feel so sad, because underneath this all he is such a lovely kind caring man, he really is. I do love him - which some may find hard to believe after all of this, but I do. 

Is there anything more I can do? He can do? Anymore help or advice? 

Thank you so much for reading - I’m sorry it’s so long I just needed somewhere to vent.

Hi. I am going through exactly same thing at the moment. 
I was just wondering if I could text you privately to see how you managed to get through it and if you and your partner are still together? 
thank you

[Humz]

Hi, 

I've just come across this page. I’ve been happily married (so I thought) for 10 years we have two lovely kids. I’ve recently found out my husband has a porn addiction and has been watching porn since he was 10. After digging around I’ve found out that his been seeing prostitutes for over two years. 
 

I’m not sure what to do next I feel so anxious and disgusted in what I’ve found. I don’t know if I can live with the pain he has caused. I aim to start therapy soon in order to help heal from the trauma. His got a history of cheating eg messaging girls on line (sex sites etc) 

After finding out his since opened up about his addiction and admitted many things to me his adamant on giving our marriage another try and doing what’s necessary. However, I want to ask if any of you have managed to heal from such a betrayal and stay happily married or is it best to leave and save myself the heartache. 
 

Thanks 

HumZ 

[Tiffany8]

How can I talk to anyone in this forum? I'm going through living hell. I feel devastated, lonely and extremely traumatised by the recent disclosures from my husband and partner of 16 years. I have not found a way to DM anyone. Can anyone please advise?

Thanks. Tiff.

[Chrmarmar]

I am not sure if this will work.  I am in the same situation and feel completely devastated.  I have been married for nearly 20 years and recently last November discovered the tip of the iceberg 5 months later I was apparently told the truth? which was much of the same but with far more significant numbers, that my husband and father of our 2 children had been looking at pornographic chat sites and visiting sex workers and massage parlors for 2 and a half years and had had sex with over 80 different sex workers (apparently he managed to stop when covid started and has only had one visit to a massage parlor with a finishing service).  I feel totally devastated.  I would like / love to see past his actions and trust him again but the images of what he has done and the utter betrayal keep coming back with such force.  I feel so alone and so trapped?

[Anon89]

Hi Everyone,

I’m so sorry I have been unable to reply to you all, it really is so upsetting to see just how many of you are struggling with this. 
I wish I could reply to each and every one of you, but I’m going to try as share as much as I can in this post for now. 

My first piece of advice for all of you is please put yourselves first. Take it day to day, and do what is best for you in this time. It is a real devastating, tough time. 
 

My second piece of advice is - seek help! You’ve done a great thing by finding us here, but there is further help out there also. There are Paula Hall Partner Groups which you can attend, if you are struggling financially with this, please reach out to the PH team, as they may be able to help. There are also charities out there such as Relate, sometimes they have SA specialists. Also, something that really helped me is going to one to one counselling. There are lots of counsellors out there trained in this type of addiction to help both partners and addicts. Again, if you are struggling financially please speak to the team anyway.

It may also help you to buy the book for partners, I got mine off Amazon but it helped me understand it more. 
 

I realise that it sounds like I’m almost advertising Paula Hall, but it honestly helped me so much. My husband and I both saw separate counsellors trained in this type of addiction, he went to groups run by PH, but also anonymous groups too (SAA)

We are still together 5 years after I found out. But everyone is different, each circumstance is different. We still have our highs and lows, but my husband knows if he does relapse at all that I am gone, and that’s it. The reason why I say this now, is because now he has all the help and resources there to help him if he is struggling, whereas he didn’t before.

Also, please remember their actions are absolutely nothing to do with you, your relationship or anything you have done to cause this. It is an addiction, a mental illness. 
 

Sending so much love to each and every one of you. I know how tough it can be, I know how draining it is. Do whatever you need to do to support yourself. I’ll try and find some time over the next few weeks to reply to all your individual questions, but I’m sure you’ll understand that reliving this trauma for me is quite difficult so I also need to be in the right head space myself to be able to help you all. 
 

Take Care x

 

[Linda v]

Hi Carramack and everyone above. I just found out June 13th that my husband of 35 years is on numerous sex dating sites, single sites. Chats,classrooms, porn, the list goes on and on. I had no idea there is so many woman without integrity on these site. I’m so glad I found this group, I feel so embarrassed, devastated etc to share all this with my family and or friends. My husband keeps denying everything and stating he was hacked, even after I answered one of the FaceTime sex workers call and text messages unfortunately the number n message disappear once you read or listen to the message. I didn’t even realize they use telegram, Gmail private accounts.  Outlook live etc. I am early 60’s he’s 65 1/2. I’m still in shock. He won’t leave and the site of him makes me ill. I can’t live my life policing/micromanaging his every move as I have lost trust. He was my soul mate, best friend. All do is cry in disbelief. He thinks it’s funny. Any suggestions?

[Charlielouise89]

Hey everyone,

I literally found out this week that my partner of 4 years has been seeing escorts since the very start of our relationship. I’m absolutely devastated and really don’t know where to go from here. I’ve moved out for the minute as I just can’t face looking at him (which I expect he’s going to use as an absolute field day to go and do what he seems to love!! Escorts!)

I had absolutely no idea this was happening and it’s totally blindsided me. We had the best relationship (or so I thought) but our sex life has always been crap (him never wanting to!!) I feel SO lost and I just don’t know what to do.  x

[Dora]

I’ve been in this situation for more than twenty years. I stayed for the sake of my children and because I do still love him. I was wrong to stay because I’ve spent twenty odd years checking his phone, tracking him etc etc. I mistakenly thought this was something men do these days because they can easily arrange meetings online.  I’ve had three kids and I haven’t felt sexy or desirable. I felt I wasn’t good enough.   I’ve tried to block it out and concentrated on raising my wonderful kids. I don’t think he’s done it since he retired (prob because he can’t get out the same) and we’re sort of closer but I’m still full of resentment that he’s ruined my life.  He’s always very remorseful and begs forgiveness when I bring it up which I can’t help doing when I get mad.    If I could turn the clock back I would have left him and maybe could have met someone who truly loves me and desires me 

[Blueberry]

Hello, 

 

I have been going through the same.  My husband lead a secret life with prostitutes, cheating, even financial betrayal. Everything is the same except I discovered everything after he died. It’s been 4 months, I’ve been through the shock of his sudden death, sorrow, then shock after I went into his phone, anger, rage, anger, rage. He left a whole bunch of financial problems as well and thankfully I’m not tied to his financial disaster. He was on a downward spiral, binge drinking, financial struggles & seeing prostitutes every day. I would have never thought that a 62 yr old man with heart problems would be looking for prostitutes 2 hours before he died. He was always sick and tired so he said. So many secrets, he could have his own Netflix docu series. JFC! The hardest part is not being able to confront him and have the pleasure of leaving him. I’m disgusted by him. I can’t even look at the things he left behind.  I feel utter disgust. He  was a troubled man and cheated on every woman he’s been with. Right now the chaos he left has ruined every good year we had. Sometimes I feel so stupid for not wanting to see the signs. Because there were signs and I blocked them. Sometimes I envision myself slapping him because that’s seriously what I would like to do. I’m left with a thousand questions and no answers. Thinking about seeing a therapist to release this pain and anger I’m dealing with. I’m devastated but I’m hopeful about my future.  I have to get to a point that I forgive him so I can go on. I would have never stayed with a man like that. Sex workers never even crossed my mind. They’re still texting him. I guess he was on database- men paying for sex. Prostitutes prospecting for business on WhatsApp. 
 

Please let me know what I should read. Thank you for posting about this. 

[NoName]

On 8/21/2022 at 2:59 AM, Blueberry said:

Hello, 

 

I have been going through the same.  My husband lead a secret life with prostitutes, cheating, even financial betrayal. Everything is the same except I discovered everything after he died. It’s been 4 months, I’ve been through the shock of his sudden death, sorrow, then shock after I went into his phone, anger, rage, anger, rage. He left a whole bunch of financial problems as well and thankfully I’m not tied to his financial disaster. He was on a downward spiral, binge drinking, financial struggles & seeing prostitutes every day. I would have never thought that a 62 yr old man with heart problems would be looking for prostitutes 2 hours before he died. He was always sick and tired so he said. So many secrets, he could have his own Netflix docu series. JFC! The hardest part is not being able to confront him and have the pleasure of leaving him. I’m disgusted by him. I can’t even look at the things he left behind.  I feel utter disgust. He  was a troubled man and cheated on every woman he’s been with. Right now the chaos he left has ruined every good year we had. Sometimes I feel so stupid for not wanting to see the signs. Because there were signs and I blocked them. Sometimes I envision myself slapping him because that’s seriously what I would like to do. I’m left with a thousand questions and no answers. Thinking about seeing a therapist to release this pain and anger I’m dealing with. I’m devastated but I’m hopeful about my future.  I have to get to a point that I forgive him so I can go on. I would have never stayed with a man like that. Sex workers never even crossed my mind. They’re still texting him. I guess he was on database- men paying for sex. Prostitutes prospecting for business on WhatsApp. 
 

Please let me know what I should read. Thank you for posting about this. 

I don’t really know how to respond to this but just wanted to let you know someone read it and is thinking of you. It’s already harder by far than anything I’ve ever experienced to find out someone you built your life around has been doing this. I just can’t imagine finding out after they were gone, without being able to rage at them or ask questions or all the other things I’ve demanded of my partner over the last 14 months. I’d definitely recommend a (specialist) therapist, even though it’s so expensive - I don’t know how else anyone can get through something so devastating. I’d also recommend the Paula Hall partners book which is excellent and will at least help you understand what you’re dealing with. Sending solidarity, and fury and outrage and sorrow on your behalf. x

[Anon]

On 10/2/2021 at 7:37 PM, Michaela said:

this!! 

I have just caught out my husband of 4 years and partner of 12,  we’ve got a baby. 

I’m devastated and wanted some support advice, I really love him and he promises he will do everything he can to fix it and is seeing a counsellor to help him but the thought of him relapsing fills me with dread. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with it.

Feeling broken any help advice would be so appreciated. 

[Jane86]

Hello I’ve been with my partner six years and four days ago found out that for the last two years he has been messaging and meeting up with escorts for 30min appointments. I thought we were so happy, did alot together in total shock it’s like a different person.

our sex life isn’t the best, he struggles to get an erection and is on tablets for this. I am struggling mentally right now I’m so low.

I don’t no what to do next. Reading these comments has helped me. 
I love him but I don’t think I could ever trust him again. I told him I can’t see a future and he wants to lull himself. 
I do not no want to do anymore. 

[Milena]

Hi everyone, I wasn't expecting to see so many people with the same issue. Beginning of January I have found out my husband was using swingers website to arrange meetings etc. I am totally devastated and as some of you I have a child. We have been married for 12 years. If, someone woule like to DM and talk I am more than happy to find a friend which I can talk to. I am to embarrassed to talk to my family or close friends, so I feel like I am left alone.