Sunflower

Just come across this. Exactly my story! Hope you’re doing ok. X

As the wife of a sex addict, and not knowing for twenty years, I urge you to be completely honest with your wife. It is difficult to do and it causes immense pain. There is no avoiding that. But the most painful part is deceit. I’m not sure what your wife knows? If she thinks she know everything, but there’s more, that continual lying will be devastating. You have to tell all. Only then can you start to rebuild trust. If there are relapses, you must tell her. The more open and honest you are, the safer she will feel. But you both need individual therapy and need to understand the addiction. She will completely think it’s about her at first, even though it’s not. There is the risk that you will lose her. But she might also work this through with you. However, it is not an easy road. I’m three years in from discovery and still finding it tough. Think carefully about telling any family. My advise is not to do this. However, everyone is different. It will be a part of your relationship forever. You have to accept that and work together to carve a new existence. Wishing you the best.

As a partner, I feel disheartened that is never very much posted on the success stories section. Maybe if people have managed success, they don’t need to look on here. All the same, it feels discouraging.

Hi Rach. So sorry to hear this. My discovery was three years ago after 20 years together. It had been going on even before me. I had no idea. He was the perfect loving husband. So don’t beat yourself up over not knowing. It’s very common. I was devastated. Utterly broken! We are still together. Although it’s a long road. I am happy to discuss this with you if you want to message me. Sending you lots of support. XX

Thank you for your reply, Chrissy. I definitely feel terrible grief. I’m sorry that your relationship didn’t work out. But I hope that you are feeling stronger and more empowered. You deserve to be happy. My husband is genuinely full of remorse. I also understand how his addiction developed years before me amd why this happened. But, of course it doesn’t take away my pain. Over 20 very happy years together makes the recovery very tough. Such a contradiction in many ways. Your words have really helped. Thank you. Wishing you strength and peaceful days ahead xxxx

I’m so sorry to hear this, Ann. It sounds like you have been through a very long and painful process to get to this point. The time comes when we finally know what steps to take. Some might say that time has been wasted to get to this point. I think not. Sometimes that time is needed for you to finally process and come to accept that there is no more that you can do or give! It is hard to continue if you are getting nothing back. It sounds like you are a strong woman, who has achieved great things as a mother and a professional. Hang on to that because that is an example of your strength and what you can achieve. Of course you are feeling pain and who knows for how long. But you will find a renewed focus, I am sure, that will bring you happiness and a renewed vigour for life. Wishing you love and strength ahead xxx

Thanks for your kind words, Ann. I think one of the frustrations for me is that my husband has actually been totally accepting of the pain I feel. He has worked through therapy for many months. Fully understands what issues have led to this addiction, which was there way before me. He is devastated by the pain he has caused and feels such shame. When I am a complete mess, he never says I should be over it by now or tried to make excuses. He just supports and comforts me the best way he can and is constantly saying how sorry he is. I have seen such a change in him in accepting and talking about what he did. I’m sure all of this is vital. If he wasn’t doing this, I would be gone. But despite the successes of therapy, I still feel so so sad. For 20 years, he was the man who showed me true love. I felt so lucky to have such a wonderful marriage to the kindest man I’d ever known. Now I have to accept that part of my love story wasn’t true. I’m still plagued by intrusive thoughts and I think I’m dealing with overwhelming grief. But I love him. We are good together and happy in each other’s company. I just want to feel normal. There is a new normal that I’m trying to accept. But it is so tough at times.

I haven’t been on here for so long. I just felt I couldn’t look. I didn’t want to read the stories for fear of thinking that other people’s recounts of what their partners were doing, might be something my husband was also doing but I didn’t know. That fear of never having full disclosure never leaves me. Then I’ve felt bad for not responding to others and trying to offer words of support 😟. Have others felt like this at times? I am almost two and a half years in from discovery and it’s one and a half years from full disclosure. I can not believe how hard it is still after all this time. Although my life has stabilised to a degree and we are still together, I am still so full of grief and sadness. The disbelief is as strong as it was on that terrible day. I ask myself, is this it? Will I feel like this for the rest of my life? I still have a cry almost every day. I’m so sorry I am not writing anything positive. There are some, I’m sure. But they seem to get smothered by the pain that I am still feeling. Hoping that you are all feeling stronger and if not, that you have support somewhere x

Snow patrol. I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. My heart goes out to you. I am 20 months in and a year today I had full disclosure. I have exactly the same thoughts! I love my husband so much and he’s not a bad man, but getting over something like this still feels impossible. I haven’t been on here for ages as I just couldn’t face it. Does your husband talk about it? Does he share his recovery progress with you? For me this is crucial, but I always have to instigate it. Have you had any counselling for yourself? Sending you love xx

Hi Tabs I hope you are coping. It must be so hard for you. I agree with what snowflake says. I haven’t been on here for a while because I have been really struggling and sometimes you just can’t face reading posts. It’s like you just want to run away. But I always find comfort on here. Nothing is taboo and your situation could be any of us. Maybe it is but people don’t always say. I hope you have managed to find some more support. But please keep posting on here. Much love to you ❤️

Thank you Ginny. You are right using the word pain. There is so much pain! As partners I think we do take some comfort in knowing our reactions are normal. I do get moments when I understand the ‘mantra’ of how we have to heal ourselves first. But I find that very hard at times. From others comments, it seems like we can get ‘stuck’ in our thoughts and it really hinders healing. Not sure what the way forwards is with that. I guess there’s no quick fix, which is the hard bit. I feel like my husband has passed on his intrusive thoughts to me! Surprisingly, I think the sex addict is quite shocked at the true impact this has. Part of their cognitive distortions I guess. I think I need to start pro actively reading and completing exercises again. It’s just so hard as I have a very demanding job in a management role. When I get home I’m exhausted from trying to pretend I’m ok! I did wonder if partners struggle to let the pain go as that seems like you’ve forgiven them? I’m not minimising the pain but could there be other psychological influences at play?! Shannon. I relate to every word in your response! I’m 18 months in from drip drip disclosure and 9 months from full. I think I’m struggling more now than I was. I just can’t believe it’s happened. I do think Covid has made it tougher. I really feel at times I need space. I might have gone away for a few days or asked for him to leave temporarily. But then how do you explain that to family who have no idea and think you are an amazing couple 😢. My husband is very remorseful too. He says he can’t believe what he did. Like you say, I just hope we all find some semblance of peace soon. Sending you all lots of love xxx

Hi Everyone, not been on here for a couple of weeks. I’ve been really struggling with an increase in anxiety, despair and sadness. I’m so tired of this roller coaster 😟. My mind has been bombarded with horrible images again of my husband with a prostitute. It’s like I’m being possessed, like I have no power over them. I’ve been doing that constant questioning again! I feel like I’m going insane sometimes. It’s like I’ve just discovered it all over again. Will I ever feel normal again 😢. My husband understands and supports me. Then I think that sounds pathetic. Why should that matter after what he’s done! He wanted to share with me his work he’d done at the weekend from the Paula Hall book (after much promoting!) But I just couldn’t do it. I felt too fragile. Then I felt bad for not encouraging him. I felt so bad, I had to take a day off work. I hope you’re all ok. I’m sure many of you are going through similar, or have gone through the same. It just seems to never end. Sometimes I feel I will never be happy again.

So sorry to hear your story. It must be very difficult for you. But as said above, this forum is a great support. We all have our own story. Many of us have been with husband/partners for a long time. 21 years for me I had no idea, truly no idea of my husband’s porn addiction and visits to prostitutes. Nothing is taboo on here. We all understand your pain. Take care x

That’s fantastic. I may consider this. Just don’t know where to start. I’m so pleased the outcome was a good one for you xx

I hope all goes well xx

I love you all on here. Thank you for Sharing your pain. It helps to know we are not alone 💜

I realise our posts may get confused Sunflower365 😂. For me full disclosure was absolutely necessary, no matter how bad! I can’t live with any more lies. 😟. Domino69, I hope the polygraph goes well. I’m intrigued to hear about the experience as still debating the value of this. X

IamEnough. This is my husband too. Family would be soooo shocked. I am trying to hang on the good in him.

Thank you IamEnough. I have just logged on here as I just felt so rubbish and it was like your post was meant to be. A struggling partner and Domino69 I echo all that you are saying. Today, although I function, do my very demanding job and clearly seem that I am so much better, I am overwhelmed with the shock of what I have discovered. 16 months in from discovery, 8 months from full disclosure and I feel it will never leave me. I too am consumed by intrusive thoughts and just sheer horror that this was happening for 20 years. I can’t even process it! If I had only had some sign of it, if only we had had difficulties, but we were the happiest couple! Makes no sense 😢. I thought tonight that I felt I was the luckiest woman alive to be with him, now I feel the unluckiest! Some things help. The blog on Psych Central.com ‘Why Should You Forgive? The impact of sex addiction‘ with Dr Linda Hatch helped me try to process things. I hope it’s ok to mention on here? I too question if it’s addiction. Given my husband’s past issues I believe it is. But that doesn’t always help. I agree it’s about acceptance too. That can be hard. Accepting our relationships are changed as are we as people. Our relationship has become much closer and I didn’t realise it could get even closer, but it has. So there is a positive. Forgiveness I think is letting go of the pain, not forgiving what they did. I’m tired of always feeling sad, angry, shocked etc. I hope that there will come a time when we can let go of the pain. Focus on the positives. I’m practicing saying ‘ no stop I’m not engaging with you’ when I get those horrible images and thoughts. Sometimes it works which is a bit of progress I guess! Stay strong everyone. Keep posting. 💜

IamEnough, yes it is totally normal what you are feeling. I understand what you say about your husband being able to block it out. I still get times when I feel so angry that my husband can even laugh at something on the tv or sing to himself. But remember they are masters of repressing emotion! We are not! It is a tough process but I promise you will have better days in time. Stay hopeful and look after yourself xx

I think IamEnough’s response just highlights how we are all different and our needs and way forwards can be so different. I needed to know everything as soon as possible ( I didn’t get it). I even wanted full details of the sex. For me I felt I couldn’t work on recovery and forgiveness if I didn’t know it all. How could I forgive something if I only had part of the story. So you can see that we just have to do what feels right for ourselves. Find a way forwards that feels right for you. Xx

I so empathise with what you’re going through. I’ve been with my husband 21 years. His addiction began way before that. But I knew nothing of this 😟. My husband must have told me I finally knew everything at least five times. Each time it got worse. Sadly this seems a typical process of disclosure. We haven’t done a polygraph but it was the threat of one that finally got the truth. Although the tried to manipulate some of that truth. I have mixed feelings about a test. A part of me would think, what if he’s a pathological liar, they can manipulate tests. What if the test is faulty? What if the right questions weren’t asked etc etc! So would it really give me peace, I’m not so sure. But that’s just my view and it’s a personal decision. The fact is that they won’t remember the exact details and eventually we just have to trust they’ve finally told us it all. It’s a long process. I hope that you find the right way forwards for you. X

I did do the partner course with Paula Hall in June last year. I met other lovely ladies. I’m still messaging and regularly telephoning one of them. Our stories are so similar and it’s such a support.

Thank you IamEnough. Even our counsellor has said she can see we are a great couple and see our love. It makes me so so sad. My heart is broken 😢

Blindsided. My relationship was fantastic. I can honestly say that. I’m not being misguided. It truly was. Nobody would believe it!!! So this is all so very hard and such a terrible shock. Never once did I doubt us and I would have truly not believed that he had done this. I do believe that the love I felt from him was real. But he had this awful addiction that developed from trauma in childhood and in to his adult life. That does not, however make forgiving the betrayal any easier 😢