Domino69

Hi Squirrel. I am really sorry to read your story and there is no perfect answer to any of this. I guess it starts with whether your partner is prepared to do everything it takes to be free from this and how committed he will be to a long journey into recovery. It's either both feet into recovery or what is the point? Have you told him your staying is conditional on this? Also aside from this have you out discussed boundaries that would help ? For instance wifi controls, blocks to certain sites with his mobile data provider, his mobile phone only being used in your presence? You cant control this but you can ask for things that make you feel safer emotionally. I made the decision to tell my family and a few close friends and it was the best decision for me. It was nothing but love from them, no judgement.suprisingly toward him too. They believe in the power of redemption as do i.... that the man my husband was is not the man he always has to be. Remember that you have time and dont need to make any decisions about anything just yet, particularly about decisions that could have consequences. You are in control of when and what you decide, my own counsellor has advised I do nothing for 12 months and I am 5 months into discovery. Please also remember that you didnt cause this, you cant control this and you cant cure this. Take care of yourself x

Hi Worry Wort Thankyou for sharing you story. I truly understand when you say that it may have been easier if they died. I am 4 months in, and my husband tried to take his own life after I found out and nearly succeeded and even now there is a part of me that wishes for everyone's sake that he had. That way only I would have known the extent of his issue ( 20 years of acting out with prostitutes). Instead all of us, family, friends live with the consequence of his behaviour and addiction. I wrestled at the start around the label of the partner being a victim and whether we could ever be acknowledged as such, particularly in law. I believe that for many of us who were having sexual relationships with our partners, totally unaware of their sexual contact with other women were not in a position to give consent and would more than likely NOT have given consent had we have known. This is what in law could be defined as "conditional consent". If consent is conditional upon sexual faithfulness and the addict knew that then the sexual act with us may be considered unlawful. Its an extremely grey area and would be a test case for many women (and men) in our situation. There just seems to be no justice for us, whatever that means. Like you have experienced, people have said said why don't I just leave if "justice" is what I want, but I want an explanation, I want to be able to understand "how" he could do it to me - not just "what" the addiction itself is. The truth and disclosure, if that is what you are seeking can be an extremely painful thing and you will never be able to unsee or unhear what gets revealed. You may not even get the full truth, as in my case I put my husband through a lie detector test to reach a point where full disclosure was finally made. Counselling for myself has helped - a little. If it helps , tell yourself this regularly....."I didnt cause it, I cant control it and I cant cure it". Take care of yourself x

Hi, I have only just seen this but I would love to meet up too. Probably best after lockdown but there must be a way that we can share our details to arrange something soon. If you are OK with this I will ask group admin?

Hi Tabs and to all. I have been thinking about your last sentence in your last post and the use of the word "I". This is the conclusion that I feel I am beginning to reach. I shot out of the traps really fast so to speak when I found out about my husbands 20 year addiction involving all sorts of sexual liaisons with other women from live cam, live chat and multiple prostitutes. I focused so much, so fast, on helping him into recovery, counselling, lie detector tests etc that I found I didnt explore the possibility that I didnt actually want to stay in the relationship... that a "we" could become an "I". This morning I have the energy to write ... and to just disappear! Thats the overwhelming feeling of the last few days, that I want to just go somewhere ,anywhere that people don't know me as the wife of a sex addict. To re-invent myself as someone different, someone happy, funny, full of life, to start again without the stigma. I dont want the tainted memories of it anyway so why not create fresh ones that aren't littered with grief and deceit? I want to look at myself in the mirror and be able to see something different what what I see today. Thinking of you all x

Hi, test passed, the results have just come through! His last round of disclosure was the final truth and no further behaviour associated with his addiction since this all came out. I am so relieved we at least have some stable ground to consider what happens next.

Hi Sunflower. Polygraph just finished. They came to the home to do this and it took about 3 hours. I should get the results tonight. You get 3/4 questions, aimed at a "no" response so question phrasing is really important but they supoprt you in this. I gave my husband 4 opportunities before full disclosure finally came out. I based my questions around what I had been told. As I am prepared (at this point anyway) to support him and move forward in our relationship and I am hoping that a: he wouldnt have been sooo stupid as to have agreed to a polygraph test if he wasnt telling the truth and more importantly b: that I can handle it if he has been lying again.

Hi just reading this and reflecting on disclosure...... there is so much value in the telling the truth but you must be prepared for what you may hear and he must be ready to share it. I went hunting for my truth.... phone records, sat nav recent destinations, twitter (yes twitter), various adult websites, 2nd SIM cards, cash withdrawals, itemised phone bills in fact EVERTHING I could possibly think of to cross check against what I was being told. This hunt for the truth is ending on Sunday as I have booked a polygraph test which he has agreed to do. You mention being vulnerable and that's totally understandable in the circumstances and I worry sometimes that as partners instead of being victims in this we are simply volunteers but if we still love them and want to support them then we stare the bogeyman right in the face and get on with doing just that. Here with you all in this x

Hi, I can travel to Cambridge if there is anyone else who is also able to travel? It would be such a relief to be in the company of people who really know what the inside of my head looks like.

Hi all, we are watching this together, having downloaded it from the internet https://www.drdougweiss.com/product/helping-her-heal-dvd/ It is really powerful and its aimed at the addict, helping him understand what we went through the day of discovery and how to support us in our own recovery journey. It wont be for everyone but I just wanted him to understand what I felt on that utterly awful day and what I am going through now.

Hi there, I really feel for you right now. I am only 6 weeks into discovery. Each situation and relationship is different and I can only really talk from my own perspective, whether this is the right or wrong approach I dont really know. For me FULL disclosure meant everything to me and it took 5 weeks to get there, eventually ending up with sex with prostitutes during our entire relationship and marriage. I guess the 1st question is do you want to know everything AND do you believe that he has been totally honest about the extent of what has been going on? Full disclosure allows you to make an informed choice that is right for you. Addiction is selfish and he is probably only thinking about how this has affected him at this moment, how his life will change and is probably clinging on to salvaging whatever he can from this but this may change. As for what you should do? I would say try not to overthink his thoughts, his actions. He made the choices he did, try to let him make the next ones too and hope they are positive. If you want, walk through in your mind your two different journeys... life with him as he recovers or life without him and try to see the pros and cons in each. I have a plan A which is to stay and also I have a plan B to separate and I am prepared, certainly at this point to follow either path. There are no quick fixes to this and no timetables to follow. Please know you are not alone, there are thousands of women just like us tonight across the UK and beyond going through this exact same nightmare. Women who did not ask for it and certainly do not deserve it! Lift your chin, hold your head up if you can and stay afloat. Kind Regards x

Hi HelloIamEnough good to hear from you. I cant seem to get more than 2 days in a row of successfully managing to push down waves of utter loathing for both my husband and myself. I am plagued with thoughts of his acting out with prostitutes and convincing myself that he isnt an addict but that he wanted his cake and to eat it, which he managed to do for 5 years. Its so hard to tell if he has just jumped on the band wagon of "sex addiction" because he got caught out. Why did he marry me in the 1st place when he had 15 years of this horrible problem under his belt already and ruin 5 years of my life?? If like me you are a "Lord of the Rings" fan you will know the story of Smegal and Gollum, I see him sometimes as Smegal,the victim, once a good and honest hobbit who was overrun by his desire for "his precious" and eventually it turned him into the pitiful and unrecognisable villian Gollum. Excuse the analogy but I think its so apt. Love and strength to us all xx

Hi Elsie, I absolutely get where you are coming from. It was slightly different for me as my husband attempted suicide when I discovered what he had been doing and he was hospitalised for 3 days so his family had to know. Mine didnt, but I choose to tell them. I was afraid though that they would think me a failure as its my not my 1st marriage either and I was afraid that my friends would cast opinions on the state of my marriage, that in some way he must have been unhappy to do what he did, which he assures me is not and never has been the case. What I discovered was that these were all MY fears and when I took the courage to tell them they were full of love compassion for me and strangely for him too. I am sure that some of them think I am a mug for staying but on the whole I think they admire most my strength to stay - and I am sure that those who love you will come to the same conclusion. We are trying to stay together to work it out and fast tracking some actions to get him help as soon as we can. I told him its either both feet into recovery, or both feet (with a suitcase) out of the door! Lastly, I believe to my very soul in the power of redemption.... that the person that he once was with the addiction is not the person he must always always be. I just hope he believes that too. I dont know if this will help you at all but I am sure I speak for everyone on this forum that we totally understand everything you are feel and our thoughts are with you.

Hi, just read your post and as Blindsided24 said there are many of us. No doubt all different, unique and wonderful women bound together by a label that no of us wanted "partner of a sex addict". Can I ask why you are not telling anyone? Is it to protect him, you or a combination? In my case his immediate family, mine and a few of our friends know and they have been wonderfully supportive to me and are keeping my head above water as I don't have the strength to. They are trying to be there for him too, although they are still coming to terms with it. If you need the support and love of people who care about you then please do consider your needs 1st. Thinking of you x

Thankyou everyone for your thoughts on this. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I think I am going to move forward with this, for me there is so much value in knowing the truth. I am consumed with thoughts that he is still lying and whether or not he actually has an addiction or he is simply a massive d@£k head who thought he could have his cake and eat it!

Morning everyone I am reading all of your posts and take comfort in knowing I am not alone, but I am just filling my thoughts and time on the "doing" and not the "feeling" as I am really struggling to unpack exactly what I feel. I had a further round of disclosure last Sunday with the tally of the number of times with prostitutes going up. My husband has said ( for the 3rd time) that I have now know everything there is to tell, although I suspect with a 20 year addiction he has simply lost count! I am fixated on the idea of a polygraph. Whilst he isn't keen he has said that he will do one. Has anyone else had these thoughts or any experience of a test? I just want to "clear the decks" and have a truthful base to start. After all the lies he has told I just want the confidence of knowing for certain where we are re-building from, if that's what we decide to do.

Hi, just tried to sign up and this one is full. There are so many of us going through this and the course being full just shows we are not alone.

Thankyou Ginny and Firefly for your responses, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. The Kick Start workshop looks a good place to start. Regards

Hi everyone, I have been looking at this forum but unable to put any thoughts down in writing since discovering my husbands sex addiction/complusion ( or whatever I am supposed to call this mess)! On 9th August I discovered by absolute chance his sex addiction (from online viewing of live sex ,membership of adult sites,constant text messaging to sex workers up to 17 times a day and actual sex with prostitutes), throughout our marriage and for what he says has been going on for 20 years - we have been together for 5 of this. This discovery led him to make an attempt on his life and he was hospitalised for a few days, so escaped (in my eyes) my total destruction and downfall. We are currently trying to stay together although I appreciate this is a hard road to take and sometimes I feel like a "muppet" for wanting to. He has agreed to see a counsellor ( not one specifically trained in sex addiction though) and has had one session already. Boundaries have been set in the house which he has fully agreed to and were implemented yesterday ( finances, closure of accounts, new email, phone bills etc etc) . My question is I don't know what order we should be getting or seeking help in? Should he do a specific course for his problem, should I? should we? We only have a limited amount of financial resources but need to direct this where it will have the biggest impact and amount of success. He is open at the moment to any form of help but isnt keen on books. We have started with 2 of Paula's books, I am an avid reader and consumer of information and have I found these really helpful, however reading isnt a preferred method for my husband. We have both been off work, my husband ( for 3 weeks), medicated for depression and as we both prepare for returning to work next week and trying to find a new "normal" any advice on what should happen next would be appreciated . Thankyou everyone