ElleS

Dear Depressed, Please, please don't despair. Realise that this has absolutely nothing to do with YOU. None of this is any way your fault - you haven't been daft or ignorant or stupid - you have been deceived, and that is something completely different. Like others have said, you need to care for yourself first and foremost. You don't say whether your husband knows that you know about his double-life, but if he doesn't, then you need to sit him down and tell him that you do know and that it is hurting you. There are some excellent counsellors out there who can give you the time and safe space to talk about this, so that you can get a clear picture of what it is you are dealing with, and indeed if you actually want to deal with or just walk away. It is a VERY lonely place sometimes, being the partner, wife or husband who has this sort of addiction, whether gay, straight or trans. Please don't ever feel you are alone. There are groups out there who can help and support you. Sending you love and support - take care.

Dear Zaybd-24, Your husband has a LOT of issues he needs to deal with before he will be ready to try and make things better between you. I've been dealing with my husband's addiction for some time, and I've come to realise that it isn't in any way, shape or form anything to do with me. He can make my life miserable, if I let him. Or, he can leave me alone and sort himself out, whether through counselling or whatever it takes, and then - and only then - does he have any right to want to have a married life with me. It is not what any of us signed up for when we said I do. And we should not have to go through it - it isn't fair. So the only thing you can do is say, I'll be there when you've had help, but until then, I'm looking out for myself. I think I still love my husband, but I don't like him or his behaviour at all. You can't fix all the horrible things that have happened to your husband, and you're going to drive yourself mad if you try to. Stand firm - but look out for you. x

Hi Mimo23, Like you, I am new on here although my husband's addiction has been going on for years. Obviously there were fewer opportunities to hide it in lockdown - and I suspect we are not alone in that. All I can say is that you are definitely not alone. It is the most isolating thing to have to face, especially when you throw children into the mix. I sometimes find myself just wanting to scream aloud randomly in the middle of a meeting or conversation "My husband is a porn addict!", but of course you can't, and that makes it worse. It is great that he is seeking therapy and help - it at least signposts that he wants to try and save your relationship. If I have learnt one thing from my experience, it is that this is NOT about you. He has a problem and he has to deal with. You always have a choice as to whether you want to be part of that process as his wife, or not. So don't feel powerless - you have a voice and a choice in this. Look after yourself whenever you can. It will take over your head and drive you crazy if you let it, so don't be afraid to vent on here, or find a therapist who can help YOU. Your wound is very raw and new, but as the other partners have said, we are on here to support you if we can. Take care xxxx

I have just picked up on this post as a newbie on here, and I can only speak for myself, but please, PLEASE, if you are a SA reading this , consider telling your partner everything. From my own experience I cannot tell you how much more painful and destructive it is to be drip fed information or to have to prise it out of someone. If my husband ever reads this post, I just want him to know that whatever you have to tell, it cannot be any worse than the things I have imagined.

Hi Domino, thank you so much for your words. I too believe in redemption. I see very little of the man I married 10 years ago, but I do get glimpses. If he can change so much one way, then surely there must be a way back or at least a way to something/one else? I hope I don't sound too naive, and I realise that the hope lies with me at the moment. I will not be played for a fool, but I can forgive where there is a genuine desire to change. To a point, anyway. I am finding it really hard at the moment in particular, but I totally get your both feet in or out analogy. I actually found the courage to talk to a friend at work about how hard it is today, the first time I have actually admitted to anyone outside a counselling room. INot in any great detail, just that he had an addiction that was severely damaging our marriage. 'm not sure tonight if I feel better or worse, as he's just come back from one of his "flits" away. But it is of great comfort to know that in any way we can find, we can support each other. on here. Thank you. x

Can anyone help me with a query about therapists? My husband has apparently registered with a local therapist for his addiction, but when I have looked at their website, they are not BACP accredited. Does this matter? Does anyone have any advice? Thank you all x

Thank you so much Domino69. Really it's been a combination of things. Partly because I did try a few years ago to talk to a friend about it (when it was just images, not meeting sites etc.), and just got a horrified "don't think I can help you" response - porn is still something of a taboo subject - and partly because I've been dealing with some serious stuff, in the last 18 months including a very close family member's illness and death, work issues and a whole raft of other things that just seem to relegate it to the back-burner because I don't want to burden the other people I am close to. I know they would rally round if I wanted to tell them, and I know they would be shocked and horrified at what he doing, especially in light of what I went through with my first husband. He has asked me not to tell them as he is ashamed of what he is doing, and says he wouldn't be able to socialise with them again if they knew, which I get too. Also, at the moment I am not telling them because, as well meaning as they are, they would all probably tell me to kick him out, and I really just need support, not advice. I don't know if that was the same for you, or if your partner feels the same as mine? x

Hi, I have just joined the site out of desperation at not being able to share my husband's addiction with anyone. I feel like I'm holding my breath all the time, waiting to see what he'll do next. My husband just seems to be able to get on whilst his addiction is something I just can't get out of my mind. Sometimes I just want to scream it out loud, I am so sick of bottling it all up. Being in lockdown with a porn addict has been absolute hell, especially as I have had my two 21 and 20 year old daughters at home, so no space/time for discussion/rows/crying/shouting! No-one knows, I just have to get on with it, as do we all. I told him the other day that I actually wished he had hit me instead, because at least then it would be out in the open and people would be supportive (he wouldn't and has never, however!). It is absolutely soul destroying going through this, My husband was given an ultimatum three weeks ago after things reached absolute rock bottom and is now apparently sorting himself out some counselling, but it remains to be seen. He has been doing this behaviour to the best of my knowledge for the last 9 years, but probably longer as we've only been together 12 years. I discovered my first husband was a serial adulterer after 17 years together. As far as my new husband goes, I found out he had progressed from porn to online chat and meeting sites a year ago - I still don't know if he went further than that - just after I had been given the all clear from a very serious health scare. We have no sex life ourselves and to be honest, I don't know why I put up with it sometimes. He is absolutely on his final warning. I barely recognise the man I married, and I don't think I have ever been so miserable. I am so relieved to find this non-judgmental forum. Sorry about the waffling, I'm just glad to know I am not alone - although I wish for all our sakes mine was an isolated case. Take care everyone. x