IamEnough

It’s been a long time since I posted. I’ve been head down trying to get on with life (in brief, married over 30 years, love him dearly but a long history of drip drip discovery followed by a meltdown in the pandemic where I discovered the true extent of things- escorts, mainly) . Since entering recovery 2 years ago he’s had 2 major relapses, the latest when I looked at the ‘recently deleted photos’ file on his phone where he’d screenshot a conversation with someone he was arranging to meet up with. Those words are blasted into my brain now. I’m so exhausted with this addiction tainting every area of my life- we recently told our grown up children as I was so close to breakdown i needed to share the burden and to warn them in case I left. We’ve been together since I was 20 and every memory I have I shut down with thoughts of ‘was he doing it then’. the problem is I just can’t decide whether to stay and help him through recovery yet again, or leave, and spend the rest of my life alone? We are just so good at getting on and living life as if this isn’t a thing, that I could easily stay and brush it under the carpet again. But don’t I deserve better? The biggest hurdle used to be telling the kids but I’ve done that now. And I could afford to live separately. It just feels that I’ll never be happy whatever I do, and it’s all his fault. Just reaching out to the only people who have any sense of what this is like. So grateful , and sad for you all.

Hi NatalieB I haven't been on the forum for a while and I'm just catching up. I haven't got much to add to @Tabs great advice, but just wanted you to know that there are others here rooting for you, whatever you decide. Like you, I was aware for a long while of my partners behaviour without speaking up or taking action. Hiding that kind of knowledge can be so bad for your physical and mental health, as you are finding out. I really hope you can get some counselling and work through some of the deeply troubling and conflicting thoughts. Much love to you. Stay strong x

Hi Scarlett, I'm so, so sorry you have had this experience and like many of us have turned to this forum in desperation for support. The knowledge that you now have of your loved one can never be 'un known'- something that, for me, has been the very hardest thing to deal with as, like you, I have loved my husband for a very long time and can't imagine life without him. But the feeling that I can't live with the knowledge of what he has done can be very corrosive. He is now in recovery- if you're not sure what that means I urge you to investigate the blog posts on this website and maybe download Paula Hall's excellent book for the partners of sex addicts. This will give you encouragement as well as practical advice for what will inevitably be a long journey for you. If you can afford it, some counselling from the expert therapists at the Laurel Centre will be incredibly valuable for you. Your wellbeing, health and recovery must be your top priority. Whether your partner decides to embark on his own recovery is a separate issue. If money is tight there are some free online support groups too, such as S-Anon. For now, I'm sending love and a virtual hug, please know that you are not alone. I think all of us continue to be amazed at how far this addiction reaches into all parts of society. Please look after yourself and reach out again as often as you need to. x

Hi @Girlinabubble, my husband completed the course a few weeks ago and has also attended a shorter workshop on understanding the needs of your partner. I would say he has been confronted now with the reality of how his addiction has impacted me, and not just from me! So I would say yes, I would hope that your partner will have a deeper understanding of the effect of his behaviour. If not, I’d be asking questions... hope that helps x

@Lorna ann Just wondered how you are doing? Have you managed to get any support for yourself? Do let us know xx

Tabs, firstly I’m sending my love to you and hoping that you are managing to move forward without too much pain. But I also wanted to say how inspiringly positive you sound at the end of your last post. The fact that you’ve seen that people can be good and supportive even though often it’s easier to shy away from these difficult subjects. I absolutely agree that in being vulnerable we allow people in to support us in a wholehearted and authentic way and this can make all the difference between hope and hopelessness. Please keep us posted as to how you are doing xx

Ail it doesn’t sound stupid at all, we all of us here understand what you’re going through and each of our reactions will be slightly different. And you will probably find as time goes on that your reactions will swing from one thing to another- anger, sadness, frustration, denial- it’s all in the mix. There’s no right way to respond. What I’ve learnt from my own experience is that you have to put your own needs first. A good starting point is to download Paula Hall’s book on sex addiction from the partner’s perspective, which will help you understand your own feelings and to start to think about what happens next, as well as understanding the cycle of addiction and why your husband has acted this way. Remember, none of this is your fault, but you are at the beginning of a long period of recovery from this trauma and betrayal. We will support you as much as we can. Keep asking questions here and venting your feelings, as much as you need. Sending love xx

Hi Lorna Ann, I’m so sorry to read of your pain. Please do look up the resources on the Laurel site and try and read the books that Paula Hall has written, especially the Partner’s book- I think it will help you understand the situation a little more. Are you able to talk to your husband at all? Is he seeking help for himself? sending love x

Hi Stillinlove- so sorry to read of your pain. Do you think that in the early days it’s enough just to stay afloat at all and find a way forward one day at a time, and then after a longer period of time we start to focus more on the longer term- both in the future and the last, and the enormity of what has happened and all the fallout around it comes crashing in? It’s early days for me and I know I would like to think that in two years everything in the garden will be rosy, but in my heart I know that things are changed forever. Are you getting support yourself? It sounds like you need someone to help you piece together your shattered sense of self and your partnership. I do hope you find some peace soon. Keep posting x

Goodness that’s so well said 👏🏼

I’m so pleased for you Domino69. It must feel like a huge relief x

That’s a great point Snowflake. I think I the last I have sometimes relied on my relationship for so many things including my own emotional state. Time to take control! Since I posted this I’ve been through a full cycle of emotions and am currently feeling really strong and positive (for myself rather than my marriage, about which I’m feeling somewhat ambivalent). I work in a creative industry and love my job, and im beginning to fully engage with my work again and although I wouldn’t say I am often joyful, I can on most days reach a level of contentment that feels really comforting right now x

Apparently I am ‘not allowed to share any more reactions on here today’?! But yes, I agree Sunflower x

Rose, please don’t feel that. It’s so lovely to hear your voice here. X

Dear @Snowflake- oh I’m so sorry- I can hear your pain and sadness. Of course we wonder if that will ever go away and as women it’s so natural for us to carry their recovery for them like a fragile egg. I’ve also been married for 30 years (child bride, obvs 😆) and question everything about our relationship. I’m triggered by holiday snaps, memories of the houses we’ve lived in, everything. The sadness is pervasive and all encompassing. I think one of the hardest things I’ve had to realise is that this is going to be a lifelong journey and our own recovery is equally as serious as our partners’. It’s never going to go away and the feelings of anger and sadness will wax and wane in intensity, there’s no graph, no rule book. All perfectly normal. Things won’t ever be the same- I suppose the challenge is to carve a new and different life from what we had expected, but one with equal value? How could you support your own recovery more? sending much love x