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Hi. I've just signed up to this site because I don't know what else to do. My husband and I have been together since our late teens, married for thirty years. We have never had other partners. We have three children, two in their early twenties and one who is just 13. Last year I found out my husband was/is a sex addict. Things hadn't been right for a couple of years and I had been to talk to a counsellor about the fact I couldn't seem to get through to him anymore, and just didn't know what to do. He refused to come with me and said our problems were all in my head. He was distant, moody, argumentative and behaving very strangely. He's always worked away and I've always trusted him completely. I told my counsellor I knew something was going on, but my husband denied it. We had months of him 'gaslighting' me. He told me he would never cheat, loved me and the kids, was just stressed about work etc. But he changed completely from the person I knew. I began to think I was going mad, but I've known him since we were children and I just knew he was cheating. I asked him a few times when he got home at the weekends, but it just led to arguments. On our son's 21st Birthday party evening, when the last guests had left and my husband wasn't expecting any confrontation, I quietly asked him what we were going to do about his cheating. He looked horrified, then burst into tears. In brief he has been using porn daily, a lot, for over two years. In the last six to nine months before he admitted anything to me he had been using prostitutes. At the time he said this wasn't cheating as it was only for hand jobs. We separated for ten months. We told the older children he'd had a one night stand, and the youngest that we just needed a break whilst Daddy got over some work problems. We have now jointly been seeing my counsellor (and he has realised that hand jobs are cheating). He has also seen his own addiction counsellor and joined a 12 step programme. He moved back in at the beginning of lockdown, party because he was desperate to come back and as he was making good progress on the 12 step I said it was ok, and partly because our - then - 12 year old didn't understand why he couldn't come back and was already distressed about the lockdown and all that involved and was desperate for us to be 'normal' again. Six months later and I am really struggling. My husband has done really well with his therapy, is far along the 12 step path, and has regular meetings (now just by phone) twice a week to keep him well. He has explained it is an illness, that he is getting better and will never go back to those behaviours again. I believe him. He was suicidal when he realised he was addicted. We sat down months ago and I asked everything I felt I needed to know and he was very honest. But we both agreed that once we'd covered everything I wanted we'd not bring it up again as it's upsetting for us both. The problem is now. Things just aren't the same as before. Although I trust him again, I can't get over the months and months of lying. It was so easy to him. Even when he was making me feel like I was insane. Also the sourcing and visiting prostitutes still makes me feel physically sick. The images in my head won't go away. I cannot accept this is the same man I married and have known for over 40 years. I can't talk to anyone other than our counsellor and that is difficult as everything has to be done via Zoom or phone now. She is focussing on our future, both she and my husband think that is what we need to do, but I am still hurting. Is this normal? As my husband is making such good progress I don't want to 'spoil' that. He has managed to deal with his demons and put his problems in the past. He says he feels lighter and happier than he has done in years. I don't. I feel like I'm trying to play catch up, but still drowning. I can't tell my family, they would be too shocked. My parents are in their eighties. I can't tell any friends. No-one would understand the extremes of emotions I'm feeling, and to be honest, I don't think even my closest friend would be able to resist telling other people. I can't risk the kids finding out. I feel stuck, lonely, unhappy and I'm sorry for rambling, but I just don't know who else to turn to. Thanks if you've read this. Sorry it's so long.

Hi Everyone, I have been married 30 years and only discovered my husband's porn addiction last year. I knew he most likely used some type of porn now and then and accepted this but nothing really prepared me for what was to come. I found his large stash of magazines, 110 in total which he denied even using any more. I stupidly believed him when he told me they were now gone, until a couple of months later when they were all still in his ' man cave '. I should also tell you about his other porn addictions starting with the long standing satin fetish. One day many many years ago he presented me with a satin blouse and lingerie which he wanted me to wear. He would ask now and then and gradually his collection of blouses and skirts became bigger and bigger. He has the satin clothes custom made and has an extensive collection, all of which I do not enjoy wearing because I feel frumpy and unattractive and quite frankly sick of the sight of them. He will not have sex unless I am wearing them and often wants me wearing a blonde wig and glasses too. My heart sinks when i see the items laid out on the bed and I am very bored with this routine. He has never been bothered about what I might like to do in bed which is really quite basic. Being spontaneous without wearing the clothes! His behaviour has also changed when having sex. It's pretty obvious he is thinking about someone else which makes me feel hurt and angry and just used. About 14 years ago I stupidly suggested him wearing the clothes too. Maybe I had guessed he would enjoy this but I wish I had not gone there. Now he has this extensive collection along with dozens of wigs, lingerie, corsets, breast forms, high heels and even a latex mask of a female face. He is addicted to both me wearing the satin as much as with himself. There is no issues with him wanting to change sex or any sort of identity issue. He is simply addicted to the satin and enjoys the feeling. Along with this is also his growing habit of writing erotica which consists of his satin addiction with various women . Some are porn stars he likes and even real people he has known/ knows through his job. Essentially the stories are the same each time and follow a very predictable path but he is doing this more and more. These stories are very explicit and at times vulgar. He also looks at porn online, mainly still explicit images and is also buying more magazines. He will happily lie to my face that he isn't addicted and to then I start questioning my own sanity, until the private browser is on once again. He has any bought items to do with porn sent to his work address, has a secret ebay account just for porn, a secret paypal and email accounts. I am now making myself ill with how this is all making me feel. I feel unattractive, my confidence is in my boots and most days I am in tears at some point because I cannot see any end to this, especially since he simply denies having any problem. I have mentioned sex therapy but he just shuts the discussion down and instead seems to find new ways to deceive me. Up until a year ago I was happily married and now miserable , even picturing a life where I leave him. This situation is truly exhausting and I don't know how much longer I can take it. Sorry for the long winded summary and thanks for reading. x

I’m new here but not new to this hell. I suffered a full blown breakdown after the first time I discovered my husband’s search history back in 2015 (just a year after we were married) I know what he was watching the night before our wedding. I know what he was looking at multiple times a day for years. I made him leave. We were separated for a number of months. He swore it’d never happen again & I went to counselling but he never properly engaged with 12 step or therapy of his own. I found he’d been at it again in 2016 to a lesser degree but it was clearly another addiction cycle & there was probably things I didn’t find (seems many of them the only admit to what you find, at least that’s how it seems to me). I stared getting awful full body panic attacks. Stopped eating. Awful anxiety & depression as well as our little boy to look after. He moved back in with his parents again. Our son was only 3 & was devastated. My counsellor told me I was suffering complex ptsd. I couldn’t watch tv or films without being triggered. Songs & music videos. Just the sight of the computer or any technology was too much. I couldn’t answer the telephone & ended up unplugging it (I only re-plugged it in a few months ago 5 yes later). I stopped seeing my friends & totally isolated myself. He swore all the promises etc again, restated therapy & 12 step & I took him back ‘one last time’ on the understanding he got rid of his smart phone & only had an old Nokia but once we were back on track he stopped 12 step & therapy again saying he didn’t need it anymore. Still, I felt somewhat ok as he only had the Nokia. Well I’ve been having that uneasy feeling again despite everything seeming ok. I got our now 8yr old a tablet for Xmas. My husband uses it a lot buying tools for work or new clothes etc. He didn’t realise that the google account linked to it is mine. He’s deleted certain searches off the tablet history but those searches still show up when I search Google history on my phone. I’ve not found any graphic sites but he could of used the incognito tab for that. What I’ve found is obsessive searches for various actresses, models in scant clothing etc. It’s a pattern I recognise. Jumping from image to image. So I printed it all out & left it for him to find after his shift. I put our son in bed with me & left a note telling him to get in little ones bed. I can’t go through this again. He’s broken all his promises. He’s broken all my boundaries which included me telling him back in 2016 that he did not have my consent to be intimate with me if he’s engaging in his addiction. He knew how much that boundary meant to me. These searches go back a month & he’s ignored my boundaries that were there to help me feel safe. Ive not said anything to our 8yr old. I don’t want to see him heartbroken he’s on the sensitive side. Husband is begging me to let him stay in the box room & that he’ll show me how sorry he is & it won’t happen again but I can’t believe anything when he’s lied repeatedly through our marriage. He’s chosen other women over me & our son again. My ptsd is running amok I feel sick, I’m shaking, it’s like that first discovery all over again. How can I ever sleep with I’m again? I don’t want another child to look after where I’m having to use parental locks on all technology again. I can’t eat. The thought of doing the school run in a couple of hours is filling me with dread because I’m a mess. I don’t know what to do.

Firefly, I've only been on this forum a couple of days and haven't had time to read much, but I've just seen a post you made a couple of months ago where you say: Why did I still do it? Well each fix led me to more shame, remorse, self-loathing and feeling that everyone would be better off without me around. This is almost exactly something my husband has said to me. When I said I didn't' understand, he said it got to the stage where if he didn't get his fix, he would have committed suicide because of the demons in his head. I'm trying so hard to understand this. You seem to have been in a similar situation where you had two separate lives going and compartmentalised each. Do you mind if I ask you a few question? Please don't answer if this will trigger you in any way. A) Firstly, when I trusted my instincts and absolutely knew my husband was cheating in some way, I offered to have counselling with him - both jointly and separately - but he refused for a long time, still saying that it was all in my head and that I was ruining our marriage with my imagination. He watched me spiral into depression believing I was going mad. Why would he do that when it was obvious I knew and offered to help him? B) Also, we were still having a sex life, but he kept shouting that it wasn't enough and saying he needed more and 'wasn't a monk' no matter how frequently we had sex. (Although I must admit that near the disclosure and subsequent separation I'd really gone off him as a person because of his persistent lying and terrible moods, so it probably became obvious I wasn't really keen). C) How can you have over thirty years of intimacy with one person and then have an alternative sex life with strangers going on at the same time? I may sound - and probably am - very naive, but it makes no sense. Thank you for being so candid in some of your other posts, that's why I feel I can ask. Take care x

I have been with a sex addict for 15 years but only really arrived at the conclusion in the past few weeks. There have been many discovered infidelities and bad habits (websites, sexting, meeting for sex). When found out I have confronted my partner but only got truth in respect of that particular girl. The true scale has only come to light in the past few weeks that this has been a systemic problem for our entire relationship and he has slept with more than 20 girls. For the past 3 years the key addiction behaviour has stopped and he hasn't been on dating sites etc and has felt better however he has recognised that in times of low mood/depression he will seek out old flames from that time and pursue validation from them to feel better and ends up sleeping with them and returns to the addictive behaviour for a period of a few weeks/months. He knows he needs to break the cycle and has managed with some behaviours on his own but is now seeking help from a 12 step programme and hopefully a counsellor after this lockdown. We are very early stages so he is commited to the meetings and is in the mindset that he wants to get better and will do whatever it takes. Issue: My issue is how do i cope? I am trying desperately to understand but I'm so hurt and pained by the scale and lengths of his deception. The last infidelity was with a family friend who we seen quite a lot which has made his fantasy world seem like it has crossed into our real lives. He admits these girls are an escape and he doesn't see it as real. In his head she is just like the others but for me she symbolises much more. I haven't began to think about our long term relationship as I have said at the moment we both just need help to get through this and can then evaluate where we are at. At the moment I am getting drip disclosures (Which I'm grateful for in some respects as he is finally admitting the truth) but its hard when the drip disclosures contradict things he has said in the weeks/days before. Just as I feel like I'm drawing a line to start dealing with it more stuff comes out. He's also admitted there is more stuff but he's not quite ready to reveal all yet as he doesn't want to hurt me (which they do each time). I've tried to say it hurts more in this way and i would prefer for him ti just say it all but he's just not ready. It's torture. Is anyone else in this boat and does it get better???? I am fearful this is pushing me further away and I just don't have the strength to continue on this path of support and cleansing.

A few months ago my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) confessed to looking at pictures of women online, but said he had stopped a while ago. Up till then we'd had a basically perfect relationship, and a fantastic sex life, apart from being long distance in University holidays. After his confession I immediately asked a plethora of questions about his habits, and was not convinced by his answers. He had always been reluctant to talk about masturbation, despite my openness about doing it myself, and when telling me that these pictures were very rare and never videos and "what's the point of me lying when I'm confessing everything"... I wasn't buying it. My fiancé has always been prone to little lies, and being quite fake in front of his friends. He claims to have never been happy with himself as a person. A few months of paranoia and self doubt combined with much interrogation on my part ensued. During these months we had countless conversations about the "pictures" and I even started thinking I might need to go to a counsellor to deal with my "trust issues", so many lies were told in this time! All of this pain and evident corrosion of my wellbeing was still not enough to make my partner confess. In this period he proposed, and a few weeks after claimed he had to tell me the full story so he could propose with a clear conscience. However, his conscience was far from clear. I recently discovered the cold, calculated viewing of women purely to "exploit the fact they'd give (him) an erection" was far from the truth. He had a full blown porn addiction. I found teen pictures, snapchat pictures, videos and searches for free webcam sex (of which he looked at some websites). The only thing that held true, and this is the reason I didn't leave, is that there was absolutely no evidence of this happening after his initial confession. I also noticed signs of him seeming happier with himself as a person and wanting to live healthier over the past few months, and it was hard for me to understand why, but recovering from a porn addiction would explain it. I find it very hard to understand that he wasn't choosing these photos instead of me. He claims he never clicked on a web chat, but the way this addiction escalates, I don't see how that can be true. He would do this 2 minutes on average after we finished Skyping, yet claims he wasn't aware he was going to do so when finishing the conversation with me, can this actually be true? And can a person really look at pictures and images without comparing them to the person he is with? And does he really think I'm more beautiful? Since the trauma of finding out his search history I get triggered by anything that reminds me and have a flurry of emotions overcome me. I'm finding this especially hard to deal with when the one person I need right now feels terrible about how miserable I get, and could well still be lying. If he continues to lie, I will never recover. We've started counselling but I'm wondering if for my own sake I should get out now, before the next batch of deceit breaks me beyond repair.

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My husband has been seeing escorts for years, before we got together. I found out 3 years ago, and at that point my husband was filled with remorse & desperate to change. He went to therapy, we talked a lot & after a year he seemed to have turned a page. Earlier this year he told me he misses it & doesn’t want to go back to therapy. He’s tried to dress it up as him being polyamorous & not suited to monogamy, but based on him using prostitutes & the things he’s said in the past, I don’t believe that to be true. I only agreed to stay with him when I found out because he was so convincing that he wanted to change, now I feel like I’ve used up all of my anger & am just burnt out & reluctantly accepting that this is my marriage & life now. We have a child together so that has a strong bearing on the situation, he’s a brilliant dad & I didn’t want my child to go through a divorce with us. I do love him, but I worry I’m going to grow bitter & resentful. I also have lost respect for myself, and him. I don’t know the point of this post really, I guess it’s just to get out there how I’m feeling & wonder if any addicts or wives of addicts have any insight into this, someone who has accepted their addiction & refuses to see it as a problem?

Hi all I'm a long time addict of porn addiction, my acting out has included chat sites porn sites etc, last week my wife discovered I had been online again viewing porn, she told me if it happened again we was finished, of course I'm devastated losing the women I love but I'm faced with the reality I need to recover. I've been an addict from the age of 11 I'm now 45, in the past I got into trouble with the police for my addiction, thankfully I didn't go to prison but I do have a record, I've recently rejoined Sexaholics Anonymous I was a member of them 6 years ago but drifted away thinking I was now in control, I'm hoping to start attending their meetings next week and start my 12 steps again, apart from the actions I've taken I was wondering if their was anymore advice you could suggest that would help in my recovery.

Hello,I'm P. I am 42 years old and married with 3 beautiful children.It is Saturday the 3rd March and I am sat at my parent’s house.On Monday 19th February my world collapsed when I was on my way home from work and I had a call from my wife. “The police are here. I’m scared. What’s going on?”I knew what was going on. My sex and porn addiction had gone too far and now the real world was going to find out about it.My computers, hard drive, usb drives and mobile phone were seized. I was arrested for possessing illegal pornography, cautioned and interviewed at the police station. I spent time in a police cell, trying to avoid descending into a panic attack.The duty solicitor arrived and explained the situation to me. On his advice I answered “No comment” to all of the questions asked. I was released under investigation and went home. That was the last time I was home, other than for an hour during the day a couple of days later to collect some things. My wife was devastated and appalled at what I had done and told me to leave.Night #1 was too late to get a hotel and I slept in the car near my place of work. That Tuesday was a blur, but I managed to book a hotel for the following 3 nights so I had somewhere to stay. I had an email from my Sister late that night. My wife had called her to say what had happened; she felt she had no one else to turn to. She didn’t – and still hasn’t – told anyone from her family or friends. My Sister said that I am her brother and that she loves me and would not abandon me. Last Saturday I travelled to my parent’s town. My Sister helped me go to them, tell them what I had done. I could not look at anyone at all. I was so ashamed; I begged them no to abandon my wife and children and to help them all they could.I have spoken to a charity dedicated to stopping the illegality I committed. They have started me on a journey at really looking at myself; understanding the influences that caused me to do what I did. Since speaking to them for a 2nd time I have started to think about the addictions and behaviours that I have had, probably since I was about 13 or 14 years old.It is all compulsive; page 3 cut-outs, then soft magazines, harder magazines, vhs videos, taking photos of myself, looking at males as well as females, starting to cross dress, personal sex advert magazines. The beginning of the internet didn’t help as I suddenly had access to more material than I ever could imagine from magazines. Always seeking new sites, ways to bulk download, ways to start talking with other people, seeking the interaction through meeting other guys for sex, buying used underwear, buying bespoke porn pics and videos from those willing to do them, cross dressing, buying sex toys for masturbation, on to using escorts and finally, shamefully, crossing a line and looking at illegal things.I am now not at the family home. I am staying with parents and lodging at B&Bs. I have crushed my wife, she hates me for what I have done. She is now struggling with our 15 year old son and 14 month old twin girls. She goes to work early and it was my job to look after them until school & nursery. There is no one to help at the moment.I feel sick. Last week I seriously considered suicide. It was horrible. My brain would not stop. I was thinking exactly how I would do it, how I would get financial affairs in order first, where I would do it, the letters I would write to my beautiful wife and children and what photographs of them I would surround myself with.This low is horrible. I am lucky; my Sister and parents have not abandoned me and my wife is still responding to emails and texts, even though they tell me of how she hates me, is betrayed, cannot cope and is terrified that Children’s Services will take away the children.All of this has come about because I have never been able to say that I am addicted to porn and sex. At the moment I have gone 12 days without looking at pornography. I have contacted Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous; they have all invited me to meetings which I will go to. I want to get rid of this evil shroud that coated me. I want to see my children and to rebuild trust from my wife, parents and Sister.I am ashamed, unhappy and scared. I hope there is a future where I am able to deal with my addictions, help others before it is too late for them and one day, look my wife in the eyes again. I love her so much.

A few months ago my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) confessed to looking at pictures of women online, but said he had stopped a while ago. Up till then we'd had a basically perfect relationship, and a fantastic sex life, apart from being long distance in University holidays. After his confession I immediately asked a plethora of questions about his habits, and was not convinced by his answers. He had always been reluctant to talk about masturbation, despite my openness about doing it myself, and when telling me that these pictures were very rare and never videos and "what's the point of me lying when I'm confessing everything"... I wasn't buying it. My fiancé has always been prone to little lies, and being quite fake in front of his friends. He claims to have never been happy with himself as a person. A few months of paranoia and self doubt combined with much interrogation on my part ensued. During these months we had countless conversations about the "pictures" and I even started thinking I might need to go to a counsellor to deal with my "trust issues", so many lies were told in this time! All of this pain and evident corrosion of my wellbeing was still not enough to make my partner confess. In this period he proposed, and a few weeks after claimed he had to tell me the full story so he could propose with a clear conscience. However, his conscience was far from clear. I recently discovered the cold, calculated viewing of women purely to "exploit the fact they'd give (him) an erection" was far from the truth. He had a full blown porn addiction. I found teen pictures, snapchat pictures, videos and searches for free webcam sex (of which he looked at some websites). The only thing that held true, and this is the reason I didn't leave, is that there was absolutely no evidence of this happening after his initial confession. I also noticed signs of him seeming happier with himself as a person and wanting to live healthier over the past few months, and it was hard for me to understand why, but recovering from a porn addiction would explain it. I find it very hard to understand that he wasn't choosing these photos instead of me. He claims he never clicked on a web chat, but the way this addiction escalates, I don't see how that can be true. He would do this 2 minutes on average after we finished Skyping, yet claims he wasn't aware he was going to do so when finishing the conversation with me, can this actually be true? And can a person really look at pictures and images without comparing them to the person he is with? And does he really think I'm more beautiful? Since the trauma of finding out his search history I get triggered by anything that reminds me and have a flurry of emotions overcome me. I'm finding this especially hard to deal with when the one person I need right now feels terrible about how miserable I get, and could well still be lying. If he continues to lie, I will never recover. We've started counselling but I'm wondering if for my own sake I should get out now, before the next batch of deceit breaks me beyond repair.

I am a Christian with a physical disability, I'm single and never had sex. I am unable to get out on my own. I am ashamed of myself I keep repenting but keep falling into the same trap of looking at sexual content on the internet, being aroused and masturbating, Then I feel really guilty. I think the main reason I do this is for comfort. Unable to talk to anyone about this.

Hi everyone, I have just discovered this website and I have decided to join. I don't know how to describe my addiction and I am not even sure if it comes into the sex porn and porn addiction category. It does, however, result in the same kind of frustration and misery and fear of losing life long friends. I hope I have done the right thing by joining this group.

Hi all, I don't know if i'm the only one but i'm constantly thinking of sex or thinking of touching myself to ease the urge. I am 32 average looking guy and just can't get enough of sex. I am working now thinking of it. It is becoming annoying for my wife as I want to play out all these fantasies but never have anyone who is will to try. Is there anything that I can do?

Hi, After marriage I noticed that my stomach turns upside down whenever I feel empathy during or about sex. I turned to porn soon (watching porn does not require empathy) and been a porn addict for following 20 years until my wife just left me 5 month ago. Since then I have stopped watching and jerking off on porn, slowed down on alcohol (0.5-1.5 pints a day) and things are getting better. I have started to go to gym. Business is doing well. Yeah, I became a 'silent' alcoholic few years ago too, drinking 10-20 units in various alcohols 'to relax' every night while being able to work during the day at the same time. But the sex and empathy thing has not changed. When I mentioned these two words in one sentence to her last time when I dropped kids off after a weekend, she halted me. She could not listen to that either. She might have co-dependency on this. I can feel both empathy and sympathy and this problem of sex and empathy has lured over me like a scary void during our whole relationship. It grew into constant anger, denial of my and her feelings. Only recently when I started to have more time to spend alone, I started to pay attention to it and try and analyse it. I avoid and resent empathy in sex at all cost. I feel like an un-trusty oyster requiring a putty knife to pry open it. I understand a sexual dominance could be a role play but being stuck with it as I am, seems a bit odd. Although as child I was hammering toys which did not 'work as I want' against floor and was being terrified left alone even for few hours. The feeling of void about empathy in sex feels connected to fear of being left alone. But it does not make sense. When I was contemplating on the anger separately I had a vision of me tucked in a winter coat on a crisp sunny winter day out secure, calm and happy at age when I still remember adults being as giants tall as 5 story buildings with their knees at the level of your eyes. Also does not make sense. Sorry to throw this on you but where do I start? It is all like a shuttered glass in my head. She hasn't found anyone else yet. I do love her when she does not require compassion.

I have come across this forum and I strongly believe it could give real help to anyone who is facing porn/sex addiction. I am a 35 year old male with a beautiful wife and two amazing kids; I have been recovering for 4 months now (cold turkey) and I would love to give something back to people experiencing a similar situation. I went through the usual features of this horrible addiction: watching porn with increased levels of "sexual intensity", looking at escorts, reduced sex drive, masturbation, family problems, the guilt, the shame, the worry of being caught, etc. As already mentioned, I decided to go cold turkey and the psychological battle, especially in the first 4 weeks was immense... I needed all my inner strength and will power to fight this battle, but I never think for one second that I have won the war. It's a long road to changing my life and I am fully aware that I can't afford any slip ups. I don't think my mind will ever be free of the urges, but they certainly are much much weaker and considerably more controllable. Being free of the guilt, shame and worry has changed my life so much... My wife and I are so much happier and I have managed to get my life back. Being on this website and identifying the problem is the first step to recovery. Please feel free to get in touch with me on this forum and I will do my best to help. I wish you the best of luck V