S&M crossdresser/trans/genderfluid fetishist recovering, help?

[Determined1973]

(TL:DR I'm a sex addict and need help to not relapse)

Sorry for the really long post, I had a lot to get out !

Hi, I'm a 50 year old man with a long history of interest in fetish/s&M domination etc etc. 

Also, an 'addictive' personality. Meaning, I basically get obsessed and single minded with things. In some ways it's my SuperPower and has helped me do many difficult things. But also, my weakness as when I get a hit from something I can get hooked and convince myself to keep doing it. 

15 years ago I had a bad break up leaving a hard situation with a child and a controlling mother (of child) who used child access as a weapon. My subsequent relationship attempts failed, and I gave up trying. Decided I would make do with myself, and revived my old teenage fetish interests. This led to years exploring the fetish scene, going to some events, and ending up crossdressing and identifying as a gender fluid person. However, it was also an emotional dead-end, leaving me alone, still unprepared to connect with a genuine person. The crossdressed version of my was providing a substitute for a real woman. It was a bit complicated. Even the therapists couldn't seem to figure it out. 

This person is not really me. If anyone is going to tell me 'once you are a crossdressed, it never goes away' forget it. I don't want to hear it. It's not true. Sometimes it DOES go away - it depends why you are doing it. For me it is an unhealthy, unsustainable, dysfunctional cycle underpinned by a fear of intimacy with women (or anyone). 

I fully intend to fix this. Ultimately I'm ready to do this. I'm satisfied the underlying issues have been pretty much resolved. I KNOW I'm not a bad person, and I have a self confidence that has grown over the time I've been a father. 

THE PROBLEM? It's really hard to stop, I was in pretty deep. Everyday is a bit of a struggle. Also, I've stopped many times before and relapsed. Essentially I think what I have is a SEX ADDICTION. It works like this :

1) I feel strong and capable of living a good life, meeting someone maybe someday, things are balanced. 

2) I see attractive female bodies and get triggered to feel lusty and sexual. 

3) I question how I will ever manage to meet anyone for real

4) I feel weak, that maybe all the crossdressing stuff IS really me and I should just go back to it. 

I don't want to go back to it. When I'm away from it, I feel strong, really great about myself, and the future is full of positivity and possibilities. When I think of going back to it, it's like a dark hole, which is a little bit comforting in the short term, but ultimately a depressing lonely place with no future, I never connect properly with anyone, I get old and and day I'll die. I don't want to be there. 

I need help to stay strong. Any advice please?

Thankyou if you've read this far!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jmpc68]

Hi I found your post to be very emotional and truthful and I felt so sorry that you’re going through this.

I agree you ARE NOT a bad person, people are capable of doing bad things but that doesn’t have to define you!

I feel that SAA could be the right path for you, my husband found that the fellowship there to be amazing aid in his recovery. To be able to connect with others who will support and listen without judgement or condemnation is a blessing and you deserve to have that support.

Also please look at doing the Pivotal via the Laurel Centre, my husband said it made such a difference to have the understanding and wisdom that Paula brought to him. 
I wish you all the very best in forging ahead in your recovery and I truly believe you have the ability to succeed if you are willing to do the work.

[Determined1973]

Many thanks for your input on this. 

 

I'm just going to add a bit to this thread in case anyone else comes here and reads this. 

So this is a 1 month (ish) UPDATE. 

It's definitely a struggle to not go back into bad habits, and I'm not clear of it yet. I'm plagued by internet adverts for ladies clothes that I searched for. It's hard to get rid of those! Also, when asleep, dreaming about things can also be a trigger. 

But, overall I feel I'm on the right track. I love the idea of getting 'out there' and meeting someone. I definitely feel ready to engage in a real relationship, maybe for the first time ever. I hit many hurdles in my daily life. I work as a performing musician, and seem to have had problems with heatlh. Aching joints, tinnitus etc. All things to stop me moving forward, and each time the temptation is to dive straight back into my old sexual fetish and crossdressing habits. The idea being to 'take the pressure off'. Why would it of this? Because then, I wouldn't need to actually deal with LIFE.  LIFE does throw up obstacles, and we have to resolve and conquer them. 

I think part of my issue is a type of 'SELF SABOTAGE' , and each time I make some progress there is a voice inside saying 'this won't work'. It's like a self esteem problem.  I believe some of the issues I have come from this. Certainly the health issues, yes I DO have some health problems but they can be viewed in a different way. They don't have to be like a brick wall the can't be passed. 

But I'm sure the self-esteem/ self sabotage also plays a part in the sex behaviour too. 

Anyway, to finish off I'll say I'm trying to see life in a more positive way. Health issues just become something to work around (often to a better solution), and sex issues are seen as a manifestation of me trying to avoid connecting with people (which deep down I AM ready to do).

 

 

 

 

 

[Jmpc68]

Keep up that positive attitude. I’m not saying it will be easy but you don’t have to conquer the future or the world, you just have to put the work in each day to rewire your brain.  Faulty core beliefs about yourself are what you have bought into but you can with self care change these.  The very best of luck on your journey. 

[Roberto]

Indeed, one day at a time. Lots of people suffer from self sabotage, even if it's from something as straightforward as compulsive tea making! It's all robbing us of time to be better versions of ourselves. Have a great day!