S&M crossdresser/trans/genderfluid fetishist recovering, help?

[Determined1973]

(TL:DR I'm a sex addict and need help to not relapse)

Sorry for the really long post, I had a lot to get out !

Hi, I'm a 50 year old man with a long history of interest in fetish/s&M domination etc etc. 

Also, an 'addictive' personality. Meaning, I basically get obsessed and single minded with things. In some ways it's my SuperPower and has helped me do many difficult things. But also, my weakness as when I get a hit from something I can get hooked and convince myself to keep doing it. 

15 years ago I had a bad break up leaving a hard situation with a child and a controlling mother (of child) who used child access as a weapon. My subsequent relationship attempts failed, and I gave up trying. Decided I would make do with myself, and revived my old teenage fetish interests. This led to years exploring the fetish scene, going to some events, and ending up crossdressing and identifying as a gender fluid person. However, it was also an emotional dead-end, leaving me alone, still unprepared to connect with a genuine person. The crossdressed version of my was providing a substitute for a real woman. It was a bit complicated. Even the therapists couldn't seem to figure it out. 

This person is not really me. If anyone is going to tell me 'once you are a crossdressed, it never goes away' forget it. I don't want to hear it. It's not true. Sometimes it DOES go away - it depends why you are doing it. For me it is an unhealthy, unsustainable, dysfunctional cycle underpinned by a fear of intimacy with women (or anyone). 

I fully intend to fix this. Ultimately I'm ready to do this. I'm satisfied the underlying issues have been pretty much resolved. I KNOW I'm not a bad person, and I have a self confidence that has grown over the time I've been a father. 

THE PROBLEM? It's really hard to stop, I was in pretty deep. Everyday is a bit of a struggle. Also, I've stopped many times before and relapsed. Essentially I think what I have is a SEX ADDICTION. It works like this :

1) I feel strong and capable of living a good life, meeting someone maybe someday, things are balanced. 

2) I see attractive female bodies and get triggered to feel lusty and sexual. 

3) I question how I will ever manage to meet anyone for real

4) I feel weak, that maybe all the crossdressing stuff IS really me and I should just go back to it. 

I don't want to go back to it. When I'm away from it, I feel strong, really great about myself, and the future is full of positivity and possibilities. When I think of going back to it, it's like a dark hole, which is a little bit comforting in the short term, but ultimately a depressing lonely place with no future, I never connect properly with anyone, I get old and and day I'll die. I don't want to be there. 

I need help to stay strong. Any advice please?

Thankyou if you've read this far!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jmpc68]

Hi I found your post to be very emotional and truthful and I felt so sorry that you’re going through this.

I agree you ARE NOT a bad person, people are capable of doing bad things but that doesn’t have to define you!

I feel that SAA could be the right path for you, my husband found that the fellowship there to be amazing aid in his recovery. To be able to connect with others who will support and listen without judgement or condemnation is a blessing and you deserve to have that support.

Also please look at doing the Pivotal via the Laurel Centre, my husband said it made such a difference to have the understanding and wisdom that Paula brought to him. 
I wish you all the very best in forging ahead in your recovery and I truly believe you have the ability to succeed if you are willing to do the work.