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Realitycheck last won the day on April 7 2019

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  1. Barb, I hear you. I do think if there is one thing i have learned from my experiences and that is, to always trust my gut. My partner is a master manipulator to the point of cruelty. It's usually when im doing well he'll find a way to upset me. He seems to detest the fact that I have become wise to his games. I feel with mine, his resistance to respond and communicatec respectfully and with integrity was a massive red flag. Mine also played dumb all the time with me, yet holds down a good job. They know what they're doing in my view.
  2. Hi 'Feelbroken', In my experience if he is an addict you will be dealing with someone who is in denial and will be unable to be truthful with himself never mind anyone else about his behaviour. It wasn't until I bought, read and gave a copy of a book on this problem that my partner even considered he might have a problem and I wasn't talking bs. Again this is just my experience and what I did. Do what you think is best for you. I wish you well.
  3. Hi Cowslip, Hope you're doing ok. I feel the same about this forum. Sometimes its good to know you're not the only one going through this but on the other hand its not a club you ever wanted to be part of, if you know what I mean. I can be feeling stronger and then begin reading on here and it can bring me right back to the reality and the shock of 'is this really happening in my life' and all that fear will wash over me again. Its good to know its here but we must move forward. I find im in a better place by focusing on the good things I used to enjoy and spent time on before and the more I do that the less intrusions I have and the more confident I am that I will get through this. Its helpful to make yourself a list of goals for the day no matter how bad you feel in the morning. If you start small and to do something positive for yourself each day it helps.
  4. Thanks to those who have taken time to read and reply. It's just a shame that any of us have to face this. πŸ˜” I don't know how others feel but i think there is too much emphasis on partners understanding the addict and the balance is off. Why, since their issues are due to a warped mindset are addicts not reeducated on normal human emotional reactions to what is extreme circumstances so they can take real responsibility for understanding the reality of their actions and the damage which their warped mindset causes their otherwise normal partners. In my experience my partner assumes all the pain, loss of trust and trauma is down to my own failures. He is still responsible for his actions. As if you're supposed to suddenly become emotionally dead like them or your feelings should stay in the box in order to not bring the slightest bit of discomfort his way because he now has this affliction label to be pandered to. Its horrible. Sick of this shit. Sorry. Where is the book, 'what have i done to my partner and how not to make whats reallyvad worse'?
  5. Hi, firstly I am no expert but I discovered that my partner and father of my children was a sex addict relatively recently. I would say to you that you owe it to your self to get healthy and to the family that you already have before you can rediscover who you really are. The addiction means you will be distorting reality to enable to feed it. I don't think addiction has anything to do with sex drive or even sexual preferences. I would say you need a lot of help and have a lot of hard work ahead of you to deal with your addiction but it can be done. If your behaviour is out of control and causing you to behave in a way that has damaging consequences for you and those you live, you need to address and take responsibility and find out why. Take all the professional help and advice you can find and hopefully you'll find a healthy way forward.
  6. I feel your pain too Janey. It's just horrible. I'm not allowed to express to my partner iwithout being told by my partner I'm doing it to hurt him! I very been in states of despair and his best is to scream at me that I'm doing all this to myself. I m causing my own pain! Any attempts to speak about it like an adult are met with the 'I don't know ow what you mean? Which is an improvement in sentence length from six months ago when it was two or three word sentences or worse, staring into space or leaving the room. It's soul destroying. I'm feeling πŸ˜” 😒 alone too.
  7. There's nothing wrong, I don't think, for expecting to be appreciated by your partner though. Valuing and looking after your own selfesteem is essential but it's normal to want to be appreciated and respected by your partner - Is it not? Isn't that a human requirement in a healthy relationship. It's something that also needs to be addressed by the recovering addict as well if the relationship is to continue. I think it is a issue depending on whether you assume blame for the SA or not. I don't think being hurt/angry or sad because you've discovered the reality that your partner is a SA is a reflection on who you really are. And that is an unfortunate consequence for BOTH addict and partner to realise and take responsibility for if you are to recover as a couple.
  8. Yes, he is now trying to make me take responsibility for the last argument and saying that I treated him badly. Yes I reacted angrily to him waring me down with lies, denials, manipulation, gas lighting and his anger. Why? Because I am worn out, hurt and still being lied to all over again with the same responses that he gave with the same issues that turned out to be him acting out after birth of our child. His behaviours are way, way beyond a porn issue. I regret giving him the opportunity to put me through this and reduce me to person I don't like just because I expect and require him to be honest and accountable. This is why he is no longer with us. It's devastating because we had a truly amazing family, he had good well paid job, was highly regarded but we were not married and I can't even divorce him.
  9. Just to add, he is also completely different person when enjoying all the lovely family times we've had throughout this shit. But the moment I need him to show up and really face this he's turns into a reptile.
  10. Hi Florence, thank you for taking the time to respond. I have given clear boundaries and had sessions with a councillor on my own which stopped as they were expensive and taken up offloading about the latest set back he caused. I learned about and put myself through reading stuff no woman should have to. Laterly I tried the couples counselling although I knew with his attitude it was going to be difficult and it was. I know for a fact that he is not being transparent. Every attempt I have to get him to do so ends up a huge row where I am nearly at breaking point. The more I question his honesty and ask for accountability the more adgitated he becomes and the manipulation begins all over again. He is not actively fighting this even if he were as abstinent as he claims. He has no accountability partner, he has a therapist who encouraged him to leave when my baby was months old and I was devastated and even more devastating when he told me that. He calls me paranoid, tells me I need to sort myself out, makes up stuff the councillor says about me, blames me for his life being awful and talks to me with utter hatred at times. Last week he screamed at me he hated me because I called him out on lying to me. I'm not allowed to have emotions or be upset and get no real empathy. It breaks my heart he would still put me through this after all the help he's had chance to tap into. I am exhausted. I can't change /cure and I am not the cause of his addiction. Nor can I fix a relationship where he is not willing to do the work. He is different person in front of the councillor and I noticed he suddenly fakes reasonable attitude day before an appointment. Hs has even managed to make them give me a hard time by distorting reality and rewriting history, guilt tripping me for times I've reacted angrily when he's pushed me and pushed me because he is not doing his part ie, responsibility/accountability. The councillor has told me that I need to find my compassion!
  11. Hi Florrie, there is such a burden on partners to have to cope with all the fall out and emotional wellbeing of the family on top of their own personal despair when this happens. I hope that one of the councillors can respond to your post soon as they are probably best placed to help. Stay strong.
  12. I would like to wish you good luck on your journey to a healthier and happier life. πŸ‘
  13. Aww Judith, I can really hear where you're coming from about the family unit. I am the same background and this tears me apart. My partner was in my mind perfect father until all this has turned our family apart. The strain of going through this with kids at all never mind really young kids makes it all the more heartbreaking and also difficult to find the time to meet your needs for recovery. It's hard to not get angry as well when your so exhausted. I would have liked to have done the course for partners but my youngest is just a baby and it would have meant leaving her for days to attend. I would have loved to have met real people going through the same torment like my partner has been able to. I really struggle with anniversaries and birthdays, any annual events that we would naturally reflect on that are tainted with painful memories. I try to push on and enjoy them though as much as possible because this horrible thing has taken so much already. We definitely need to try and let go of the stuff that after all wasn't our doing and strive to make life as good as we can for ourselves. Wishing you well.
  14. Like most who've been here, I have experienced the worst living hell this past eighteen months trying to cope with impact of my partners addiction. I have a few questions : If your partner is in recovery, after six months of therapy including the intensive course and the UPN day should they still be finding it difficult to express empathy? If your partner still has trouble with the truth, ie not being completely transparent with the email accounts they hold, not making effort to obtain bill for phone that is still on contract but no longer in use(?), (he may well have ordered a secret replacement for all I know) is this a clear indication they are not in true recovery or have relapsed? What would you think if they claim to be in recovery but they still have to ask you what 'falling on your sword', 'owning your shit' or 'manning up' entails? I have tried so hard to keep a lid on my emotions but I really don't know that I can go on with someone who has caused so much pain in my life yet continues to be so emotionally unavailable. He has basically told me this is who he is, he's just not good at expressing it, like I need to accept that. He is no longer with us in the house and I fear for all of our future. I have three children, one at uni and one is a baby. I just don't know what's next?
  15. Firstly, thank you for taking the time to reply. My partner went on the UPN course and most of the content was repetition of what was gone over on the intensive course. He said it was a waste of time and money. I am disappointed. I have read both books and a lot of the book for partners is repetition of the book for the 'addict'. I appreciate the book is initially good because it gives you a label, it offers some theory when you are desperate to make sense of your shattered world but I find it cold and lacking in solutions for the partner. It basically states the obvious of how you feel but offers no real compassionate reasoning for why. The courses are not cheap and in my experience my partner has come away with a very damaging victim stance, still very defensive, has not had any insight at all of understanding a partners needs. Still manipulative. The only thing he has been practicing is self assertion and he has only damaged relationship further by asserting his own selfish and warped attitude. He has gained no support with how to take responsibility for the damage he has caused. He gets angry that I refuse to accept him sweeping it under the carpet. I appreciate that your courses are designed for the addict and that the nature of this is the epitome of self-centredness but I do not think you can claim to understand partners. Five months in, he's been on the intensive with weekly sessions from one of your councillors at a whopping 75.00 each and still no emergence of empathy, still no sign of finding his way to focus on any restoration work on our relationship. I have run out of patience. WORTHYHOPE the book you suggest is definitely worth the read and made a lot of sense but my partner has not been able to improve from it unfortunately. His overall attitude suggests anything that even hints of God and he's automatically rubbishing the credibility of any of the writers wise words.
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