Lilo

Hi Active B My heart really goes out to you and I know exactly what you’re talking about. I go through it daily, and it’s tortuous. I’ve gone for therapy, I’m trying, but it’s hard. So hard. Right now when I get flashbacks, I practice ‘the pause’. I pause in that moment and take deep breaths and let the image run through. Then I tell myself it’s over and he’s trying hard to work on recovery now. I tell myself that it was this disease, this soul-killing illness that has made him the way he is and acknowledge the powerlessness. Then I also silently appreciate him for putting in the hard work into recovery and tell myself that my flashback and any incoming outburst shouldn’t interfere with his recovery as it could upset the balance very badly and once his brain trips as well, the disease can quickly take over for a quick fix to make them feel better. It’s like a cycle. I do however, tell him I’ve had a flashback and ask him whether it would be okay for him to give me some reassurance and calm me down. Sometimes it’s okay and I manage to calm down, but sometimes both of us get triggered and the whole house comes tumbling down. it’s hard love. Keep breathing, and remember it’s not your fault, you are BEAUTIFUL, there is nothing wrong with you. love, Lilo

Hi everyone. I finally met him a few weeks ago after this 4 month separation he forced me to endure, saying that he’s working with SLAA and on sobriety. Those of you who have read my posts would know the immense amount of torture I’ve been through in these 4 months that he completely pulled away and left me with neglect and silent treatment. I thought I would be strong when I met him but I ended up feeling love for him or even falling in love with him all over again. He told me that through his reflection he has realized that he has been manipulative and using women for financial gratification and seems to go for successful and capable women who can provide. He also said that maybe the reason why he cheated is also because I was getting very close to unmasking the real him and that was terrifying. He said that he’s feeling very cold and numb now and the reason why he can’t even be a basic human to me is because he is going through what is called love/sexual anorexia. He said he’s been sober for over 3 months and he does not want to have sex or be intimate in any way. From what I’ve read, this is not healthy. And also read that anorexia is 2 sides of the same coin of sex addiction and it could be that they just can’t be intimate with the partner but can be with others. Is that true? What exactly is sexual anorexia in sex addicts and is it real? Or is it something he’s using to stay away from me while he continues his trysts with others? I would really appreciate some light on this plss He has been cold again since and does not check up on me or even say hi. Days can go by. I had a huge fight with him about this and he’s just said he will try to take small steps to say hello etc. I also asked him if he was still going for his slaa meetings and meeting his therapist and he was dodgy about it. After a lot of probing he admitted it has not been regular-so I confirmed my suspicion that he was using his new work and workaholism to cope with his addiction. Or maybe he’s not and he’s just relapsed. I really don’t know. But can someone pls tell me what is sexual/love anorexia in addicts and can they perpetually go forever without sex? Lilo

Hi ladies Ive been studying narcissism for the last 6yrs now and have extensive knowledge of it, and from the extensive research and reading I’ve been doing on sex addiction in the last 3 months or so, I’ve realized that it’s common knowledge that not all, but a very major percentage of SAs are actually narcissists. I’ve also been reading and analysing each and every one of your stories in details and have picked up common traits and patterns which are so damning that I feel crazy with this knowledge. Because ladies, if we are with Narcs, there is no way out of this misery except to run, because they are not capable of love as they dont know what it is. I know SAs suffer from love and intimacy anorexia etc as well and while this may be true for some in a separate degree, what if what we are dealing with are just Narcissists who are really such traumatised individuals themselves and these fixes they are looking for never ends because they are suffering inside and themselves don’t know what to do. I really have deep respect and have true heart for SAs who have really stuck with their programmes despite years of failure and succeeded, but as many have pointed out, the success stories are so rare it’s terrifying. And this is because sex addiction is probably the worst of all. Unlike alcohol and drug addiction which are substance addictions and not made to be a part of us and which we can survive without in our bodies, sex is very much a part of us- we are sexual beings and we were made to procreate and enjoy sex, it’s a need, like food and water. And when engaging in the sex act with their partners even after recovery, can the mind really stop what it needs and craves and fantasizes? Can it really? It’s such torture I feel for them if they really want it to change but struggle so hard cos they can’t get out of the prison in their minds. Whilst I feel so much love and empathy for my partner and have been waiting patiently for stitch these last 3 months, all I got was neglect and indifference and it has hurt me a lot. I keep thinking if he’s the narc I think he is, he’s probably finding new supply for himself, and still leading me on perhaps. Who knows? He could have just been not recovering and continuing with this shit during this time. Who knows? He doesn’t want to be accountable. i know I have to care about my recovery but it’s very hard. I am trying to focus on myself but it’s hard. If indeed they are all narcissists, we have to run. Yet, I can’t let go and I can’t run, cos I feel like I need to be there. I need to be there for him. Not to fix him but just be there. But it feels crazy and pathetic when you get rejected again and again you know. It could be the very thing he’s not attracted to-my availability. But yet I feel if I cut off, it’s giving him what he wants-freedom to go get new supply cos he’s a narc. What a crazy world I’ve entered into. Lilo

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I’ve reached out as I’ve just been grappling with this horror and been hardly coping. If you have seen my previous posts, you will know he had requested for a time out from me for a month! This started 29 April. It’s now July. Over 2 months has passed and he has refused to see me! It was recently my birthday, and he didn’t come to see me then either, just sent some flowers! He’s been on the SLAA programme since April, or so he claims, and is saying that he can’t commit to a timeline for when he will recover, and that he wants to recover first!! He keeps saying that he wants to be left alone as he at least completes the most important steps and cannot do so whilst being accountable to me as well. He doesn’t contact me unless I contact him. He remains indifferent, cold and neglectful. And he claims that he needs to be independent and hence why he doesn’t contact and does not want to. He says he still loves me, but to leave him alone. Last week, I caught him lying to me that he was home sleeping when he was not. He claimed he wasn’t betraying me and that he wouldn’t and asked me to just trust him for a final time and that he would meet me 2 days later. He then cancelled on that 2 days later! Throughout these last 2 months, I also caught him in other lies-such as not paying his bills and he had burnt off $8000 on food and things he said-to distract himself from his addiction. Really!!! It’s all been bizarre. He claims he needs to be left alone so that he can focus; and my questions and need for accountability or expectations is stunting him-but yet-if he’s really so damn focused and so serious about his recovery - how is it he’s still lying to me? I’ve gone crazy. I want to walk away but don’t know how to. I suspect this is a narcissist I’m dealing with and have read somewhere that most SAs are Narcs. I could actually be in the devalue and discard phase and maybe he has found new supply? I’m going crazy with these thoughts. I have been going for sound bowl healing and somatic healing and trying to take care of myself, but the suicidal ideation that comes with betrayal trauma is there. Whenever I catch him out, he plays the victim card and starts getting defensive or saying I’m going to give up, etc. But the indifference he’s showing me while saying he loves me and that he will be back to me-is KILLING ME. If partners here or SA here can read and tell me your Honest To God thoughts on what exactly you think is going on and whether I’m right that he’s taking me for a ride, I would be so damn grateful. I’m putting myself out here screaming for help. To Addicts out there, pls tell me. Is this indifference and neglect a ploy to get rid of me while they are continuing with new supply? All in the ploy of recovery as well? Very shattered. Lilo

KayKay I am feeling you so deeply that I am at a loss for words this minute but I wanted to pen down that I’m here, in crisis with you, in a country far away from you, giving you every ounce of energy I have to hold on and hang in there. I’ll write soon….but I want to hear how you’re doing now. It’s been over a month since discovery and possibly that full disclosure you were dreading. Are you okay? How are you and the babies? love lilo

Hi Chrissy I’m so sorry to hear this, but I’m so glad that you’ve come a long way from this-so much so that you’re able to offer words of comfort to people like myself who are still reeling from the shock of it all. Has it been long since the divorce? Married for 30yrs and you didn’t feel safe around him-how damn painful is that! Goodness. You’re alive and you’re strong....I’m taking strength from you. You’re so beautiful to be able to share this! I thought of resuming piano lessons. And starting to work out on my body. Lose about 7kg or so to start. Take slow steps to love myself. And love myself fiercely. The brain fog has slowly started to lift. I met with a trauma therapist who did something called craniosacral therapy. I’ve only had one session. I was a huge mess. I was screaming and crying out so loud...and after the session, I felt awake suddenly. Like my body had finally reached some level of comfort. So I’m taking it slow. To all partners out here reading this, I’m giving yall all the strength and love we need as a group who’s going through a level of pain that no one else in this world would understand except ourselves. I’m so grateful. Love lilo

Hi everyone It’s been a bad couple of days. I’m so sorry I haven’t even had the energy to reply to your wonderful replies. I feel like I’m in some brain fog. Even simple tasks are so difficult. But I am still here, and I am trying, so I think I pay myself for being able to breathe. What does it mean to have mood swings when an SA is undergoing recovery and is in his first few weeks? My partner didn’t contact me the whole day today and when I asked why he said he was feeling low and having a mood swing. I wanted to ask if it’s acceptable for him to not text me at all at the expense of a mood swing of his. Is asking being co-dependent or is not asking and making it seem like it’s okay for him to have made me feel like that being co-dependent? What is being true to myself and what is being a comforting and understanding support? Muddled, lilo

I really want to take a few moments here to thank everyone here who’s been here for me with your words of comfort, and I just want to say a big hug and hats off to all of us for being so strong, despite this life changing, brain-altering damage our minds, hearts and bodies have been put through. I wish this pain on no one. So I enter Week 3 of our time-out, and I must say, it’s really been very very hard. I struggle to understand why he can’t say I love you, or I miss you Lilo, or something reassuring like that in the little conversations we have. He’s said that whilst he’s working on his bottom lines, he is really struggling, and I think his staying away from me is also cos he’s afraid I will trigger him, since I’m in a heightened state of emotions. At any time I could lash out, and maybe that triggers him so bad that he finds it very difficult to cope with the urges/cravings during this time where he’s trying to be sober. He has been checking in from time to time and keeping in touch. We say random things like have you eaten, what did you eat, goodnight and fake shit like that. Yesterday he told me he got headhunted for a new job and seemed really excited about that, so talked more than usual. My friends are telling me to leave him alone since this period of calm is what he asked for. My sound bowl healing therapist told me I need to stay more mysterious, less direct, as the bowls picked up alot of strength within me, which can be overwhelming to a lot of people. This is true. I’ve generally been seen to be a strong, intelligent person. Little did I know I’m also a codependent despite this strength. So yes, I’m really struggling to keep calm. I just want to yell at him and say this is torture. How could you not be kind enough to at least be loving towards me during this time, though you’re in recovery? I mean if you said you loved me, how would that make me angry and trigger you off?? Arghhh!!!! Where is the empathy?? Do you even love me?? Are SA’s capable of actually loving ONE person and still able to engage in multiple affairs with others? Do they love these others too? So confused and hurt and struggling to focus on me-which is where I need to get to. I hope someone replies my questions. Love, lilo

Hi Chrissy Your message really helped me think, so thank you. I’m sorry I’ve taken a while to reply. My brain is in such a fog and I feel so weak and energy-less. Everything small thing takes effort. Even eating or sleeping. I have no appetite and I can’t sleep. How is it now with your husband and yourself? Your message started me thinking of my interests and I realized I haven’t really given it much thought. I like singing, and my partner is a musician. We used to jam together. I like travelling but now we can’t travel due to Covid. I’ve been thinking of taking up some horse riding lessons. a big hug to you. love, Lilo

Hi Monica A huge hug to you for staying so strong through this pain, and having 2 kids to handle too. It must be so hard. I think serial cheating is worse/affairs...but I think this addiction is just as worse-as they can have multiple affairs due to the addiction as well. So actually I don’t know! Both are terrible! Just terrible! I really hope you stay strong through this, and make him get the help he needs. This world and the Internet and how accessible everything is has made it a terrible era for us to live in. hugs. love, Lilo

I tried to self-harm. I started smoking. I started drinking. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t focus on work...it’s like my mind is a complete blank. I do try to get out of bed too. It’s a huge victory to just get out of bed and get into a shower and actually be a human being. It’s feels like I’m just a corpse. A dead soul looking in on a body that needs to operate but doesn’t even want to... I lashed out badly at him. I was quite cognizant of how bad I was and how he must have gone a bit mad . I mean I’m mad-he should be too! I found out cos we share a synced calendar and the girl he was cheating on me with had a hotel booked for them to stay in for 3 days and sent him the invite which he accepted. He had forgotten we share a synced calendar!!! I’m still so angry when I think about it! I just can’t fathom how he could do this to me! He had been chatting up with other girls and having sex chats with them as well. I have no idea how far it went. For all I know, he may have been sleeping with several people-it’s only that I found out about one person. Highly highly possible! Gosh, I hope my shaking and the insomnia etc stops and I stabilise real soon. What is upsetting me more is that he’s being aloof and detached. Probably some idiot in his 12 step group told him his partner has to stay on her side of the street whilst he recovers and that he needs to focus. And since he just can’t deal with 2 things at once, he’s asked for this time out, which to me makes no sense since I’m the one who’s been betrayed here! But as Ann Hedonia said, taking it easy. What is 30 days in what’s supposed to take a lifetime to treat eh? Or perhaps never recover from...from the horror stories I’m reading here...

Thank you so much Firefly. I am really glad to hear the words ‘It’s not fair’. I have been trying a lot of self care just to keep afloat, keep alive. I’m about 6 weeks post discovery and I’m still in a state of shock. I think I don’t know...it seems to get worse. I really do need the support. I discovered more lies in the first few weeks and I’m sure there is much more. Everyday I’m thinking of the things he may continue to be doing, and doubting his ‘recovery’ resolve, in all honesty. He seems to be very stiff and non communicative as of now. In the first 2 weeks after discovery, he was following me around everywhere, begging me not to leave. Then after we had sex one day, he seemed to have done an about turn and has been distant since. He says he wants to work on himself and to give him the space because actually in all honesty, I did become crazy. I mean I just went ballistic you know. I felt like everything was a lie. Was anything wrong ever shared real? Anything at all? I feel like I’m in some mirage, like I’m a ghost. I love him so much still, despite the rage and anger, and that I’ve discovered is probably my codependent side. I’m in shock too. And coupled with the betrayal trauma and my PTSD, I’m a huge mess. A thank you to Nort who reached out via the inbox and has been giving me so much comfort. I decided to post up further details of what I’m going through so that anyone out here reading can relate, gain comfort, give comfort... Thank you to Paula for creating this forum. Really.

Ann, your response got me tearing up. Thank you so much for replying. I really need support like this from anyone out here. It feels so dark and lonely where I am. Yes I understand my recovery is my own and I have to recover. I pray that I get through this.

Hi. I just discovered my fiancé of 2 1/2yrs is a sex addict. He was in a relationship two timing me and another girl(with her for over a year) as well as chatting up girls online and having anonymous online chats and sex with them. I went apeshit crazy when I found out. At first it was a case of a cheater but he told me he has a problem and checked into an addiction centre which confirmed he is an SA and he started going to SLAA meetings and seeing a therapist and is on his 30-day abstinence 12 step programme now. But because things got so bad and out of hand between us cos of the betrayal trauma and my already existing PTSD went into CPTSD and my health failed and I got hospitalized for 7 days and had to have a scope done and psychiatrists come see me etc, it took a huge toll on him, and on us of course. He contacted his therapist, and arranged for a joint session, where he said he can’t handle the pressure of watching what I’m going through, and to give him the 30-day time out for him to focus on his recovery and for me to focus on my recovery as well, so that we won’t trigger each other and be in an unsafe place. I’ve begun my own ‘recovery’ but I am finding it very perplexing and terrifying to have this ‘30-day break’, because 1) it’s all quiet and silent now and there is no accountability 2) we are not married and don’t live together so I won’t have any idea what he’s doing 3) how the hell am I supposed to cope with my PTSD/betrayal trauma during this limbo period? Is it fair to me? He told them that he really needs this time out, that he does love me, and that he wants to be a better person when he comes back etc. It’s been about 10 days since this began, and he’s been hot and cold since. Some days he’s okay, he’s nice. But most days the responses are rigid, irritable, and he says he’s going through a hard time. Also might I add he added to slipping once(before the sobriety programme started), and this was after the cheating was discovered and after me and him had had sex a few times-in an emotional state and of course, as I’ve just discovered-with my co-dependent side acting up out of fear. Basically I’m suffering. And I want to know if it’s okay that he’s saying he needs this time out for both our safety. I spoke to a sex addiction therapist and he says well if he’s really committed to recovering it may make sense, as you won’t ask an alcoholic to keep hanging around a bar whilst he’s trying to stay sober would we? (The bar here being ME). What do I do? How do I react to this? Is it fair? Should I just give him the benefit of the doubt and calm the fuck down?