Pippa

Hi Terri how are you doing? I have been thinking of you . I think you are right in not making hasty decisions right now and somehow you have to try and make some kind of meaningful existence for yourself. I don’t quite understand why your husband is not responding to treatment since he seems to be doing all the right things. Perhaps his brain has been so completely rewired that it will take a long time to recover. I don’t know what sort of things he has been involved in and if I were you I would mainly be concerned if I discovered anything illegal. I hope this is not the case. It was my biggest fear and I am pleased to say that I do believe my husband has not stepped over that boundary. I haven’t had full disclosure and I haven’t asked because he is not looking at porn and is working hard to rebuild our relationship. Counselling was too painful and focussed mainly on my ancient affair, which didn’t really help me with my problem, so I’m not going anymore. We are talking though. It’s awkward and I am tip-toeing carefully. It a bit like getting to know a completely different person. Our husbands will never be what we thought they were but, as I am an optimist, I think maybe a new start isn’t so bad. I certainly don’t want to be without him. I have really thought about this and although my mood swings from hopeful to desolate, I still believe I will be happier if we can get through this and move on. i hope things are improving for you and time will help you to come to terms with this awful situation. It’s a bit like a bereavement isn’t it. It never goes away but you get used to it. i suppose it’s difficult for you to write explicitly on this forum. I wish we could somehow exchange emails. i hope you are ok Terri. We can get through this. We have too! take care of yourself P xx

Hi Ter i am in the UK so I guess we won’t be meeting up any time soon. l used to live in Bangkok for many years, so lady boys are part of everyday life, as are any number of bars and clubs where you can get any type of sex you want. my husband was into porn starring young Asian girls. I found this disgusting for several reasons. First, he had young Thai girls working for him. Little did they know what he was looking at while they out of the office. Second, he openly disapproved of the sex industry and the men who hooked up with these girls. Three. He said he never found Asian girls attractive. He is a hypocrite and a liar. Twenty years this went on. There may be worse things I have yet to ask. Group sex. Rape. Who knows. As you say, imagining is bad but part of me is scared to find out more in case of more shocking revelations, as in your case. are you going to stay with him? I’m 63..... where do we go at this stage in our lives? my husband does not look at porn anymore since a brain virus he had last summer. He now brushes his habit off as being of no importance, just a phase he was going through which arose through curiosity and boredom. He can’t seem to see that it ruined our sex lives and, had he been caught, could have lost him his job. worst of all is that everything is blamed on me because 35 years ago I had an affair. As far as he can see, I am to blame. counselling isn’t working as he just bangs on for a whole hour about his hurt over my ancient affair. I’m really starting to hate him as it all feels so hopeless. He won’t forgive me. lets keep talking. take care P xx

Hi Ter you are obviously not sleeping if you live in the UK and posted three hours ago..... it’s only 5 am now. I am awake and have been since 3am too. I’m exhausted! i wish we could all meet and have a women’s circle to really talk face to face. We are good at that. I feel we are now leading secret lives..... false names etc...... as if we have done something wrong. I’d like to go on Paula’s course but no way can I afford the fee and then I guess there would’ve accommodation costs too. Anyway, tell us your story when you have time. Take care of yourself xx

Hi PJ i haven’t challenged him again. Not yet anyway! I find it hard to believe because for many years there was no sex at home. He is a man and he he must have wanted sexual relief during those years. He suffered from ED on the odd occasions I approached him sexually. Of course I now know this was probably caused by porn use but he wouldn’t get help and he blamed me because of a brief affair I had 35 years earlier!!! on the very odd occasion sex did occur between us, it felt uncomfortable, a bit detached and quite aggressive. I didn’t have a clue why but now at least it all makes sense. last year he became very sick with a brain virus and he has not looked at a computer since. His mood for months was weird and we all thought this was due to his brain injury.... but of course I now believe this was withdrawal from porn, so that also makes sense now. Although he had some memory issues, he is recovering both from his encephalitis and his porn addiction so, much as I still need to know details, I don’t want to hamper his recovery. He has agreed to couples counselling and perhaps we can start again and maybe even have a healthy sex life at this late stage in our lives. The problem is finding a balance. I am still having sleepless nights and am still devastated by his secret life. I wish I had never discovered it in one way, but on the other hand a lot of what happened in the past now makes sense. i wrote a lot of questions down and we went through them together. But there are more so I might try writing the still unanswered questions and attempt this again. this is all so sad isn’t it. I feel that this last year has been the worst of my life. First his illness and now this dreadful discovery. So much for a happy retirement ☹️

I agree with Ruby in that I want to know everything rather than imagine it. Also to see who it is I am married to. I wrote four pages of questions down and let him read them first. Then we sat down and went through them one at a time. i didn’t get all the answers I wanted so there are still more. I think writing them down stops the anger to an extent so that the conversation is calmer and you are in control. I still have to find out exactly what my husband had watched. So far I know it involves Asian girls having sex. We lived in Asia for many years and the sex industry was always very much on our doorstep. When I ask for details he says he can’t remember. Sadly this may be true as he suffered a brain virus last summer which has affected his memory. But it may also be a good excuse and a way out for him. However, I need to keep asking the questions until I am happy that I know what I need to know. The worst thing for me is that I have been living in a sexless marriage for many years.... he blamed me because I had an affair 35 years ago! How sad is that? I was 30. look after yourselves girls. Xx

I have recently uncovered my husbands addiction to porn. He is 68 and we’ve been married for 45 years. It seems that for 20 of those he led his secret life. i won’t go on about how I’m feeling as you all must know. Todsy I asked him many questions and one his answers just doesn’t fit. He says he was never aroused while watching and he never masterbated as far as he can remember?????? Is this possible and, if one is not aroused by the images, why would one watch it secretly for 30 years? why not watch a snooker match instead? Any thoughts on this???