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Ruby last won the day on July 5 2019

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  1. Hi Nigel i had never realised or even thought about it being so insidious. It’s almost as if the app is reinforcing or helping to reinforce the addiction. I’m struggling with why the man I thought was a totally heterosexual husband chose to have hook ups and encounters with men for most of our 21 year relationship. I had absolutely no idea until discovery just over a year ago. He has used the app as I found it on his phone but now it’s deleted so I don’t really know how much he used it or what or how he met the men on it. It makes me so bloody angry but also do unbelievably sad. I’ll read the articles you shared the links for with interest. Thank you and I’m truly sorry you’re also enduring so much pain.
  2. Hi Nigel Its interesting but also sad to hear of the impact this horrendous app is having on your relationship. there must be hundreds if not thousands of people out there similarly affected. I am sorry you one of them. Could you explain a bit more about what you mean when you say... It uses variable response ratio techniques which have can have the effect of making people compulsive and addicted. I'd like to know more about that please? Thank you
  3. Hi EmmaJ. Not sure if you are in the UK but if you are I recommend The Laurel centre. Therapists there have helped me more than I can ever say and my husband too. I’m almost a year in now from discovery and all I’d say is don’t make any decision about whether you choose to leave him or stay. It’s much too soon. You’re still suffering the immediate impact of the trauma and the grief of losing the marriage and partner you thought you had. I could write pages on the emotions you may experience, the way you scrutinise and assess every single thing he says and has said and done Paula Hall’s books for both partners and the addict are really good. Very accessible and written to really offer help and insight into a terrible situation. There is also a really good one for your husband called Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss He’s written a lot about cheating and addiction but this book maybe good for him as he tries to understand the impact his acting out has had in you My husband didn’t even begin to have any empathy or understanding for how his acting out impacted on me until at least 4 months after discovery and even the therapeutic disclosure process was an eye opener for him Take time to find yourself and heal yourself not him You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it I found these three C’s really useful to refer back to when I’m most stressed It’s really important that you focus on you and what makes you strong and happy outside of your relationship with him, or at least that’s what I’ve found has helped me. Telling someone u can trust may also help you share the burden you’re carrying and again that’s a very heavy weight to bear alone.
  4. I hope Nicola won’t mind me adding her post to this thread as I found it so helpful. What she says resonates so much with me. Like her I’m still in limbo and taking one day at a time with all the highs and lows they bring. My partner is critical that I won’t ‘look forward,’ ‘move on’ or do do ethi g which in his mind shows I want to build a new future with him. I try to be honest and say I just don’t know. It’s too soon. Has anyone else experienced pressure from their SA partners to just accept and get on with life together ?
  5. Dear Kate2018, Ter and PJ. As I can’t see how to reply to individual past posts, I am trying it this way ! So we had the therapeutic disclosure session - now 8 months after I began to find out what he’s been doing. It’s taken him since October to write replies to my questions but at least he did and the session took place. And here’s my question to you all and maybe others.....did you or your addict partners expect it to be just one session? My partner clearly did and now he’s in meltdown because we didn’t get through everting in one 2 hr session. We sidetracked into other issues and niggles so I’m not surprised we didn’t get through it. But then I didn’t really expect to get through 20 plus years of deceit and secrets in 2 hours, so I’m okay about it. I saw the session as the start of the disclosure process but he wanted it wrapped up in one session. I guess that’s another indication in our inability to communicate as we both saw the same thing so differently! Has anyone else experienced this? Can anyone else tell me how long their therapeutic disclosure process took? I am really interested to hear about the experiences of others. Thank you.
  6. Thank you for sharing your story and some of the pain and stress you’re going through. It is really interesting to read the words of a SA as we hear a lot from partners battling with the horror and trauma but not as much from the addict. If I’m honest, whilst I can feel sorry for what you must be going through, I still cannot find in me the part of my brain or my heart that accepts and understands what he’s done and why. Perhaps it’s still too soon as all I still feel is so much hurt, anger and a sense of the worst betrayal possible. Therapy is helping but there’s a long way to go
  7. So another body blow in all this mess.....it seems he was given a police caution for indecent exposure a few years ago - when we were together. I’d previously asked him about the impact of his activities on his health and whether he’d ever done anything illegal or had police interest. He’d denied anything on both accounts. Do the lies ever stop? I’m also not sure what this means for him in terms of what’s on his record and what employers etc may see or have seen
  8. Hi Kate. Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear you’ve also been put in such a dreadful position. I was going to write that I’m sorry you’re also a victim but then I thought about it and wondered whether or not that’s what we are ? Yes it’s hell and yes it’s sonething I never ever ever thought I’d be a part of but I’m not sure if I’m a victim.....hmmm. Anyway I agree Paula Halls books for the partners and the perpetrators are really good and I’ll also try the other you recommend. I find those that have an overly religious theme or tone off putting - at least for me as I’m not remotely religious in any way. I do have a SA therapist who is amazing but at the start of this we didn’t know such a thing existed and so my husband sought help from a counsellor specialised in childhood abuse. We thought that was the right way forward to be fair. We didn’t make the link to SA at all then. It came later. However I think now, whilst the therapy is I hope helping him come to terms with what’s buried deep from childhood, nothing seems to come from it to help the ‘us’ in all of this. It makes me despair that he’s 7 months into therapy and I see no concrete evidence or demonstration of how it is helping him to take responsibility for what he’s done, be accountable and help us as a couple rebuild. So I’d say as a warning to anyone faced with an SA partner, finding the right support is vital. At least he’s now coming to the disclosure part with my SA specialist so maybe there’s hope. Two months in ......I can remember that time and even then wanting to know every detail from the off and being ‘hit’ on a daily basis with waves of anger despair and then oddly, revelation about something which at the time I hadn’t been able to fathom. It might have been an explanation for where he’d been or a timing that didn’t quite fit with what he’d said he was doing which didn’t quite add up. Another was people saying they’d seen my car in a location thst I knew wasn’t me and shouldn’t have been my husband that I puzzled about and then shrugged off. Little instances at the time but now of course I realise why. He was out finding it meeting men. There was a point when I actually considered I may have early onset dementia as these instances got me so puzzled and I told my husband I was considering going to see my GP about it. Even that didn’t stop him . Being only a few months ahead of you on the journey I may not really be in a position to help but what I can say is focus on you and your needs and those if your children if that’s applicable. I have started to concentrate on parts of my life that don’t involve him but where I can be strong and find focus away from the horror, even if only for a short while . I’ve started to do more exercise, take my dogs on walks in places that are open and I can see for miles and breathe! I go to talks and concerts and things I wouldn’t have done before - it’s helping me a lot . My children get a lot more of my attention now as well because I want them to know my love for them won’t waiver no matter what and they need support thru all this too so I’m there for them . I hold with hope and believe somehow like many other women, and men too I guess, I will get through it one day and emerge the other end battered maybe, but stronger for it I hope my ramblings help you a little . R
  9. Hi. We are on the brink of a therapeutic disclosure process. At long last. I’ve written scores of questions but I’m damned sure I won’t get answers to all of them. We are still trying to make it work but something has definitely died in me as far as the marriage is concerned. I’m not sure if we will get through it and maybe once I know the truth I won’t want to go on. It’s taken 7 months to get here and it’s been a dreadful 7 months all in all. I also feel the counselling he’s getting which isn’t with a specialist SA counsellor isn’t really helping us. It’s addressing some of the reasons he says are responsible for his devastating activities but it’s no where near helping us. Can’t help thinking that’s not right. It seems to be widening the gulf not trying to resolve it.
  10. Hi Ter You asked if I was in the UK or the US? I am in the UK. I just wondered how you were doing ? Are you still in the fog you talked about and have you managed to come to terms with the question of "how could he do this if he loved me?" Im still struggling with that one big time!
  11. I have been trying to move forward, hence not writing on here for a few weeks. But then it all comes crashing back. I am having counselling in and its helping to learn to be me. I have made only one strong decision - with the help of the counsellor - and that's to no longer tolerate his outbursts, his childish behaviour and self-indulgent self pity and playing the victim routine. If I don't like something he says or does now, I say so, politely calmly firmly and then walk away. So that's a small but important step. But how do I begin to rebuild and have faith when it's impossible to have a meaningful conversation with him? How can I put any trust or effort into rebuilding a marriage when I don't know if the truth of what he's done will bring it all crashing down again and wreck it for a second time? I don't think I could go through that again - I don't have the emotional strength or will. I have avoided asking for details of his horrendous past activities as that's a complete non-starter; instead I have tried to ask about triggers, about what changes he is making to his life and outlook to stop him going back to his old ways. Even that results in angry defensive comments and him making totally inappropriate accusations and comments. You see, to me, if I cant see what he is doing to be different - in thought and deed, how do I know he is? Agreed, he is more pleasant and trying to be more appeasing and congenial which is good and welcomed. But fundamentally, he wont talk about what he's done and how and its been going on for so long and nor will he talk about what he's doing to stop it happening ever again. He says telling me even the tiny, but devastating details he has is a huge relief for me and he wants to move forward and rebuild. Its almost like he feels as if now he's admitted it in principal and is going for counselling to address the trauma of the childhood abuse, it's all ok. Don't need to talk about the detail, lets just move on. I do want to move on and try to rebuild but not like this. How can you rebuild a marriage when you've no idea of the foundations you're building on? Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do please? And has it worked?
  12. Thank you Ter and Pippa. I’m sorry to realise so many other women are suffering, albeit in different ways. Your thoughts and advice are really helpful. I’m going to start counselling this week as I know I can’t get through it alone I too am raging and feeling a deep grief I think for the loss of the husband I thought I’d had for 20 years. A person is still there in front of me who looks like my husband but isn’t really is he? I think the one big thought I can’t get round is why would someone who supposedly loved me, write his own beautiful marriage vows, is the father of our children, would deceive and betray us in such a devastating way? I have disliked people over the years and at times briefly wished them ill but never ever have I wanted to wreak such damage and harm. Has anyone else managed to come to terms with that ?
  13. Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m beginning to realise I’m not alone in this horror and I’m so saddened to hear of others experiences. You sound incredibly strong and brave and I only hope I can get there. I need the disclosure to know that there is no more to the horror of all this. I appreciate what you’re saying and understand it. Maybe I’ll feel like that in time but now his refusal to share and answer my questions is just pushing me farther away from him as I wonder what else he’s done and what sort of a person I’m really married to.
  14. Thank you very much Vava for your kind words. How did you decide what was right to know and what wasn't? I am feeling that having little ort no knowledge is killing me. I imagine so much and feel even more anxious when he refuses to talk more. How long have you been trying to recover as it were?
  15. How and where do you begin to even comprehend the horror and utter devastation of finding out the man you've been with for 20 years has been having encounters with men during all of that time? I have never ever written on a forum before but I am in so much pain - or at least swinging between pain and intense anger - that I am hoping someone can understand a little of what I am going through. I guess I'm reaching out to ask, has this happened to anyone else and how di/are you coping? I had absolutely no idea he was doing this and he did not suddenly confess. It gets worse.....one of our children saw an app called Grindr I think, on his phone and confronted me about it. I didn't even know what it was never mind why it was on his phone! Needless to say they are now reeling as much as I am although I haven't actually confirmed what he has been doing to them. I don't have the words and don't believe they deserve to have the burden of knowing they have a father that has done this. He is having counselling and his counsellor told him to recommend to me I read books about being a partner of a sex addict. That was another blow because when it first came to light what he'd been doing he said it was related to a very short spell of childhood abuse and what the male abuser had instilled into him. He says its only ever been masturbation with other men.....not sure whether that's supposed to make me feel better or not. I've read a couple of very good books for partners of sex addicts but many seem to feature men who are addicted to sex with other women or look at pornography involving women. Now my husband refuses to talk any more about it. He claims his counsellor has told him that further disclosure will only hurt me even more and its time to move ahead. His counselling seems to be focussing on the trauma caused by the abuse which I appreciate is much needed and very good for him. However I cant even begin to think about 'moving ahead' until I know all of what he did. I feel as if I am on shifting sands, a place of dark shadows where every tiny shred of new information sets me right back - I've already realised he's told me one or two lies during the very basic disclosure he did give. We see to be at an impasse. He wont talk any more about it and says we should focus on rebuilding the marriage and not look backwards as its destructive. I cant move forwards when there is still so much I need to know before I can even think about forgiving him or trusting him
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