Dee

Realitycheck, Your post echoes my feelings entirely I just sometimes feel he is playing a game with me to keep me sweet and life stable. We do get on and have fun and family time is always great but this THING underlies all of the good times so they can seem fake. I have learned to enjoy and appreciate the good times for what they are since I don't want his behaviour to taint everything in my life. We can and do even sit down and talk things through rationally but I always feel he is not being completely honest. He says he doesn't want to go there when I ask for any details he says therapist says its not good for his recovery to pick over the past The therapy which he goes to fortnightly he says has helped him but says he still can't trust himself he will never do it again so its hard to ask me to trust him when its all I want and I find that difficult despite him saying he wants not to do it and that he truly wants to recover. Details of the extent of recovery are elusive when questioned and full accountability seems beyond him at the moment . He talks of "one day at a time " -time is passing but I feel impatient for results and that I deserve more than that... He has had one to one therapy for almost 2 years now- there have been several blips along the way all of which have been discoveries by me and not by his own admission despite my need for complete truth and transparency. I feel I have been patient and supportive and he acknowledges this. Yet even after all this time still I am no wiser on the extent of his acting out or the frequency of it and the truth of how long its been going on. I don't want details of the acting out itself Paula s book has helped tremendously here I now understand about scab picking and the hurt that can come from revelations of the behaviour and the minute detail of it all. The trouble is I feel without the disclosure from him of the extent of it all( and how it has improved which he assures me it has) I can't put it all behind me and move on with our relationship which this THING aside is good and to some extent much better in terms of communication empathy towards me. Essentially how do I know for sure he wants to recover and how can I know that he is recovering ...

As a partner of a SA Hannah s post has given me so much encouragement and strength to keep going -all of her words are familiar territory for me it is difficult to assume responsibility for you own recovery when you feel so bad and it's so hard to share with the problem with anyone else when you feel so ashamed about the situation you find yourself in. I have found it has taken a me a long time to realise that the problem he struggles with is not about me and not something I can control and feel this is getting a bit easier to accept. I try to understand his mindset and what he struggles with and try not blame myself for this nightmare but sadly I often slip back into feelings of not being good enough; that it's all an excuse for risky behaviour which is not helpful. I do believe that self care is the key. when I'm feeling in a good place having worked on self care and positivity it has been possible to pursue more rational and calm conversations with him regarding our recovery which gives a sense of hope for the future but it seems a long long road and I still want to know how long does it take... work in progress hurrah for this forum

I am so pleased to have found this Forum and to realise there are people out there who feel like I do .I found the Paula Hall website (when yet again scrolling through the internet desperate for help following another incident which I now understand to be Acting Out ) in November I immediately ordered and read the partners book cover to cover -totally absorbed and for the first time in 2years since discovering my husbands behaviours, felt comfort and understanding and even hope! I totally accept that self care is so important throughout the journey although it has taken me a long time to understand this. I have beem married for 32 years and what I have learnt about my husband over the last 2.5 years has been devastating and frankly quite unbelievable but I also know its a reality. our journey is far from over (he is having therapy but the classification / acceptance of his issues being an addiction which they most definitely are took such a long time is how I feel ) but the thoughts and feelings expressed in this forum by others on it too have been so helpful to me. In particular I worry about whether full disclosure of acting out is helpful when dealing with the harm caused by continuing deceit and boundary crossing .My other concern surrounds the issue of disclosure to grown up children (and being authentic) is it ever a good idea? These are two things I am struggling most with most just now. i am considering doing the partner therapy sessions on offer if I can as I think they will be helpful but bit worried about how to explain my absence to family tho