Vava

Oh Ruby, dear! Your situation sounds so very painful and i am so sorry to hear you have been hit with such horrendous discovery. Although my husband has been acting out with women I know that at least on two occasions there was another man present as well. He says it was only to observe his performance.... (I feel sick!) It is impossible for my brain to digest it and I have stopped trying to do that. All I need to know is that he has a problem, that he acknowledges he has a problem and that he is actively working on recovery. One thing I can not recommend strongly enough is to be careful what questions you are asking because once you know that information, you are suck with it and it can be much more damaging than useful. I now truly regret knowing some things. And I understand that in the beginning you are just hurting so much that you think nothing else will hurt me more, i just need to know... Therapeutic disclosure might be the least damaging way for you to have answers to your questions. As for 'not looking backwards' bit, it makes me so angry!! My husband often says that, 'why cant we just move forward?, why cant you stop looking back?'. And I feel like screaming 'Why couldn't you stop for all those years? Why coudn't you!!!' You are not alone Rudy, sadly there are many beautiful, successful, once joyful and happy women whose lifes has been torn apart by sex addiction. Take care of yourself, do what is right for you, take one day at the time. It's a long journey to recovery but there is a recovery. Love and hugs.

Thank you Janey and thank you Vicky. In many ways i dont feel alone but in one way i do. I read here about men struggling with porn, visiting sex workers, massage parlours and I get that this is addiction and that it is treatable. What happened to me was that my husband betrayed my love as well as body by forming relationship with one of his sex partners. He has been in recovery for the last six months but continued sexting and chating to this girl. He says they only met up ones since discovery last year, and only for a chat but he admits that his feelings towards her are strong. I just cant see this as sex addiction, this is just an affair and i feel so rejected. I really thought we got through this last year and reached new level of intimacy in our relationship just before Christmas; he was so affectionate and loving towards me. But all along he also was being loving towards this girl in his texts which i found later. Its been three weeks since i moved out and i am struggling to see future together. How do i get over such betrayal? I was prepared to stand by him while he is fighting addiction but I am too heartbroken to watch him loving someone else, even though he says that relationship is over now and he wants to work on our marriage. PJ's answers have helped me too, thank you PJ. I do have a lot of admiration for people who open up themselves, to whom honesty is more important than consequences. And i am teribly sad that my husband has never reached such place. I've made every discovery myself and my trust is crushed completely. Wishing you all an inner peace that surpasses all understanding.

Hi Vicky, Thank you for asking this question. I am also waiting for PJ (or Rob) to comment on this. It is so difficult to get my head around... My husband did try to explain this to me but I am struggling to believe in anything he says, and therefore any such explanation would sound like another lame excuse. He was talking about compartmentalizing his addictive behaviors and his marriage, like they would be two separate things. So when he is with other women he does not think about me and when he is with me, he doesn't not think about other women nor his addictive behaviors. Now, for a woman this is just a load of baloney. Even I cant be next to him without thinking about his other women for a second. It has stained everything i do and everything we have ever done together for the last 14 years. I have read through your posts and my heart aches for you. It is painful painful experience. My prayer is that in a long term we will grow stronger through it and not be crushed. Vava