How do I forgive and move on?

[tahm]

Hi,

I hope someone can give me some hope here. My husband and I have been married for nearly 13 years. We have 3 kids together, youngest being 3.  I was 21 and he was 28 when we got married. Having being brought up in a strict religious family, I never had any physical relationship with anyone before marriage(never touched a man with lust). He was my first proper love so to speak . 1 year into our marriage, I found out my husband has a porn issue. Little did I know that he was a SA. I was pregnant with our first child at that time. I didn't know what to do. I was alone, completely alone with no friends or family and shattered in a new country ( I moved countries to join him). We both come from very religious families and this was totally unexpected, totally shameful to speak about. I cried to sleep most nights and went through the darkest moments of my life without any support. I believe him when he promised he won't ever do it again.Then we moved to Dubai, where porn was blocked nationally. We lived there for 3 years. I thought (how naively) that his porn issue is over. I thought 3 years is a long time, he must have got over it. Time and time again I asked him if he had any relapse, he always said no, swore by the bible etc. He told me he would tell me if he did. I decided to let it go, rely on God and build a life for myself. Went on to study further and got a very good job, great friends, build up my hobbies and interest and focused on self care. All the while though I made myself available to him whenever he wanted despite being tired, sick or whatever because I feared if I didn't give enough he would turn to porn. I felt used at times and felt he only loves my body, not me. I just thought these are my niggling thoughts and let it go. He assured me all men want it every 2 days, it's perfectly normal (yet when I spoke to friends that wasn't the case).  

10 years on from then, just last month I decided to put internet filters as he was spending long hours on his laptop til late at night and I suspected something wasn't right in his behaviour. Lo and behold, I found his search term for hardcore porn. When i clicked on what he watches, I felt sick in my stomach and wanted to vomit. I confronted him, he denied it all the same again swearing by God and Bible. Then, when I mentioned the exact search terms, he confessed. I told him the marriage is over unless he seeks help. He started attending local SAA and is on an intensive recovery program now. He has a sponsor, he meets him twice a week and has to text him everyday with updates and some daily actions. He has to attend a meeting 7 days a week. He is focusing on his recovery, I see some changes in him. He is very remorseful and agrees everything he did is sick.

He had to write his chronology of events that happened to him since childhood to share with his sponsor. Me being extremely curious, I read the whole thing secretly. I didn't realise how deep this issue is, he was stealing porn mags as teen and then when internet became available he went crazy on it. I found out through that he met one of his old uni love while being married to me (3 years ago). She called him up to meet (apparently kept badgering him to meet).  He hoped she would have sex, took her out to an expensive dinner and carried a condom in his pocket. He made suggestive comments to her after dinner but she wasn't interested in sex(they met frequently at uni, he even asked her to marry him, she refused. She said she sees him as a friend but took his hand and put it under her blouse. But she pulled his hands away when it wanted to go further. I got the gory details from his chronology). We had a perfectly happy marriage then (or so I thought). We weren't going through any major issues at that time. I was pregnant with my 3rd child at that time. All these years, he has never mentioned to me they met, she called him etc. He also called prostitutes twice, but never ended up visiting them. I felt so angry that I could almost kill him. The porn thing I could forgive but meeting a woman with the hope of sex when there was nothing wrong with our marriage is not something I can forgive. It's a huge thing as we are both very religious and indifedlity is not something either of us can tolerate. I spat on his face when he told me and told him I am disgusted. He is very remorseful, he says he doesn't know why he did, there is no excuses. He said he isn't even attracted to her, she is a fat ugly woman.

I sent him to the spare room. He is begging me to forgive him and says he is working very hard for his recovery (which I can see he is). He will do anything to get me back. He never loved anyone except me.  Should I believe him? Should I forgive him? I feel so hurt, so betrayed, how can I heal myself? How can I trust that he won't meet women again? I feel so cheated because he gave me the impression that all was amazing but was doing this behind my back. I feel so unloved because I bent over my back to keep him happy but this is how he repays me. 

Is the SAA program really effective? Does it really work? He tells me his sponsor (and his sponsor's sponsor and so on) never replapsed since being on the program. I can see a big change in him since he started the program (like he is admitting he is a SA, he cries when he talks about people he hurt because of his addiction etc). Shall I forgive this and move on? but what if I am hurt by him again? What's your advice? 

Thanks

Heart-broken girl.

[Joshua Shea]

It's good that you know his story, but you didn't get it through the most honest means. If honesty and trust are things you want in the relationship moving forward, you're going to have to practice them as well. I understand and appreciate your reaction, though. It's like being hit with a ton of bricks and you wonder who that guy you first fell in love with really was.

SAA works for some people and not others. I went three times a week for about two months, then once a week for four months. At that point, I recognize I got everything out of the program I was going to get. The weekly meeting was mostly guys complaining about their wives with no real benefit to me.  I have also never relapsed and I'm at 4-1/2 years, but I don't attribute it to SAA. It's because I was given the tools in rehab and counseling to stay away from sexually explicit materials. More importantly though, the therapy helped me understand how I got to the point that I did. I had some theories, and a few proved to be true, but there was also much deeper stuff I never would have got at without the aid of a mental health professional.

I don't think you should pretend it never happened and if bottling it up and trying to forget about it is going to be bad for your mental health, don't do it. That said, if he's making the effort and doing the hard work, that's all you can expect from him right now. I would suggest that you find a therapist because you probably have a lot of serious things to discuss and having the aid of a professional can help. 

[tahm]

Hi Joshua,

Thank you so much for replying back. I was hoping you would reply. You are absolutely right in saying I shouldn't have read it without asking him. I regretted it and I told him I read it. At first he was upset, but then later he said he is glad I read it and I know everything about his past now. He always wanted to tell me, but could never get himself to.

Regarding therapy, I asked him to attend but at the moment all his spare time is taken by SAA. He is following quite a rigorous program. He meets his sponsor twice a week, everyday he must attend a SAA meeting/meet sponsor. He also has to call 2 fellows everyday and do daily actions. His sponsor said he should just focus on SAA now and get therapy later if needed. Also,we are not in a financial position to see 3 therapist a week. I have booked a therapist for myself, then we are seeing a relationship therapist to heal and mend things.

My worst fear is that 10 years down the line, I find myself in the same position again. Betrayed, broken and hurt. I might live 10 years thinking all is fine, he pretends he is cured, then find out he is still addicted to this filth.  He is a smooth liar, although I hate to call him that but he has been extremely good at hiding himself. I have decided to give him one more chance in our marriage. If I lived with a sick person for 12 years, I might as well give him a chance while he is recovering. I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

How long does it take for a person to be cured? Is a person ever cured properly? 

 

[nocares]

Have you tried visiting therapist?

[Joshua Shea]

On 8/30/2018 at 5:17 AM, tahm said:

How long does it take for a person to be cured? Is a person ever cured properly? 

 

So sorry this took me so long to respond. Been down with pneumonia most of the last two weeks.

It depends what cured means to the individual. I haven't touched porn (or alcohol - which was just as much a problem) in 4.5 years, but I don't think I'm cured from anything. I believe I'll be in the recovery process until the day I die. Yes, it's now much easier for me to live a day-to-day life and the triggers are few and far between, but I'm not going to fix the brain chemistry that I damaged with years of addiction. I look at it like a tattoo. It makes things different, but not all that different.

He has quite a robust SAA schedule there. If it's working for him, that's tremendous, but I wonder if he's really getting at the underlying causes for his addiction. As I'm sure you know, addiction is almost always a coping mechanism for something else, and since 90-94% of porn addicts have some kind of childhood trauma, odds point to that. I'm not going to bash SAA simply because after several months I decided it wasn't right for me, but just make sure he is taking care of his demons and not just window-dressing what's happening on the surface.

You may be in this position in 10 years again...or 2 years...or 20 years...or never. Relationships are delicate things. And while I appreciate the fact you think porn is filth, try not to harp on that opinion too much since it's very judgmental. Recovery doesn't happen in unsafe, judgmental environments. It's OK if you think porn is immoral, disgusting, etc., but for the addict, it's very easy for them to hear, "YOU are immoral, disgusting, etc..."

Good luck to you.

[Kate2018]

Hi so sorry for what happened to you. he's addicted it's an addiction and it may be controlled but not cured it's like any addiction. There is a lot of support out there for partners. I've been reading lots of books and I'm only2/3 months in have a therapist and joining a group which has been difficult to find depending on where you are try COSA. I have said some dreadful things to my husband in anger and I regret that I've also apologised for this. But I do struggle to control my feelings since I found out so much about him my past feels like a lie, we've been married 14 years together 22 my only partner also. Try reading Paula Hall book for partners and sheri keffer book she is also a religious lady and counseller who went through this herself it's a brilliant book. They say its not about us but it feels like it is I kno, my confidence is in bits but Im still here and it's not my shame to carry because my husband has done these things and when I think I'm worthless to him I say to myself it's his shit, sorry to sware I'm not religious so that's what I say to myself. I guess your husband will feel more ashamed being a religious man too. But you need to work on you that's what I'm doing now do things you enjoy go for a massage exercise get a manicure sleep etc. Good luck let us know how you get on x