Hi,
I hope someone can give me some hope here. My husband and I have been married for nearly 13 years. We have 3 kids together, youngest being 3. I was 21 and he was 28 when we got married. Having being brought up in a strict religious family, I never had any physical relationship with anyone before marriage(never touched a man with lust). He was my first proper love so to speak . 1 year into our marriage, I found out my husband has a porn issue. Little did I know that he was a SA. I was pregnant with our first child at that time. I didn't know what to do. I was alone, completely alone with no friends or family and shattered in a new country ( I moved countries to join him). We both come from very religious families and this was totally unexpected, totally shameful to speak about. I cried to sleep most nights and went through the darkest moments of my life without any support. I believe him when he promised he won't ever do it again.Then we moved to Dubai, where porn was blocked nationally. We lived there for 3 years. I thought (how naively) that his porn issue is over. I thought 3 years is a long time, he must have got over it. Time and time again I asked him if he had any relapse, he always said no, swore by the bible etc. He told me he would tell me if he did. I decided to let it go, rely on God and build a life for myself. Went on to study further and got a very good job, great friends, build up my hobbies and interest and focused on self care. All the while though I made myself available to him whenever he wanted despite being tired, sick or whatever because I feared if I didn't give enough he would turn to porn. I felt used at times and felt he only loves my body, not me. I just thought these are my niggling thoughts and let it go. He assured me all men want it every 2 days, it's perfectly normal (yet when I spoke to friends that wasn't the case).
10 years on from then, just last month I decided to put internet filters as he was spending long hours on his laptop til late at night and I suspected something wasn't right in his behaviour. Lo and behold, I found his search term for hardcore porn. When i clicked on what he watches, I felt sick in my stomach and wanted to vomit. I confronted him, he denied it all the same again swearing by God and Bible. Then, when I mentioned the exact search terms, he confessed. I told him the marriage is over unless he seeks help. He started attending local SAA and is on an intensive recovery program now. He has a sponsor, he meets him twice a week and has to text him everyday with updates and some daily actions. He has to attend a meeting 7 days a week. He is focusing on his recovery, I see some changes in him. He is very remorseful and agrees everything he did is sick.
He had to write his chronology of events that happened to him since childhood to share with his sponsor. Me being extremely curious, I read the whole thing secretly. I didn't realise how deep this issue is, he was stealing porn mags as teen and then when internet became available he went crazy on it. I found out through that he met one of his old uni love while being married to me (3 years ago). She called him up to meet (apparently kept badgering him to meet). He hoped she would have sex, took her out to an expensive dinner and carried a condom in his pocket. He made suggestive comments to her after dinner but she wasn't interested in sex(they met frequently at uni, he even asked her to marry him, she refused. She said she sees him as a friend but took his hand and put it under her blouse. But she pulled his hands away when it wanted to go further. I got the gory details from his chronology). We had a perfectly happy marriage then (or so I thought). We weren't going through any major issues at that time. I was pregnant with my 3rd child at that time. All these years, he has never mentioned to me they met, she called him etc. He also called prostitutes twice, but never ended up visiting them. I felt so angry that I could almost kill him. The porn thing I could forgive but meeting a woman with the hope of sex when there was nothing wrong with our marriage is not something I can forgive. It's a huge thing as we are both very religious and indifedlity is not something either of us can tolerate. I spat on his face when he told me and told him I am disgusted. He is very remorseful, he says he doesn't know why he did, there is no excuses. He said he isn't even attracted to her, she is a fat ugly woman.
I sent him to the spare room. He is begging me to forgive him and says he is working very hard for his recovery (which I can see he is). He will do anything to get me back. He never loved anyone except me. Should I believe him? Should I forgive him? I feel so hurt, so betrayed, how can I heal myself? How can I trust that he won't meet women again? I feel so cheated because he gave me the impression that all was amazing but was doing this behind my back. I feel so unloved because I bent over my back to keep him happy but this is how he repays me.
Is the SAA program really effective? Does it really work? He tells me his sponsor (and his sponsor's sponsor and so on) never replapsed since being on the program. I can see a big change in him since he started the program (like he is admitting he is a SA, he cries when he talks about people he hurt because of his addiction etc). Shall I forgive this and move on? but what if I am hurt by him again? What's your advice?
Thanks
Heart-broken girl.