Six Questions For Women Who Believe They Have a Problem With Porn

[Joshua Shea]

Note: I originally wrote this for my blog, but at the advice of someone close to me, I'm trying to find a larger audience with it. I don't have the patience to try and find a place to publish it, so hopefully it reaches an audience here.

As a generation of people who never knew a world without the Internet become firmly entrenched in their 21st century jobs, we're just starting to see fallout from the first couple of decades of having the world at the end of our fingertips.
Sure, we no longer need to visit a library, video store or travel agent since these services are now just a click, instead of a car ride, away. But, to obtain and view pornography, the days of sketchy XXX theaters, scuzzy adult book stores and mail order are also now just a click away.

That may not be such a good thing. Statistics regarding the use of pornography have not only exploded in recent years, but so have the documented cases of porn addiction and convictions on illegal pornography charges.

I was lucky in that I had the resources to seek treatment at an inpatient rehabilitation facility. Despite reading similar statistics that suggest the ratio of female-to-male porn addicts is 1-to-3, Of the 15 people in my program, only one was a woman. She told me in conversation that while it's shameful and embarrassing for a man to seek help, it is downright unacceptable for most women to even admit to viewing porn where she came from. How can you get help if you can't tell anybody you've got a problem?

Porn viewership among women is on the rise with monolith Pornhub reporting "Porn for Women" was the most searched term site-wide in 2017, including a 359% jump over 2016 specifically by women. The site reported 26% of its viewership was women, and out of the 20 countries that most access the site, 19 saw an increase of female visitors.

Understandably, the number of women self-identifying as addicts has dramatically risen is just about every study and survey available. 
Most people who view pornography neither develop an addiction nor break the law, but for most who end up with a problem, like I did, it often isn't recognizable until it's too late.

Have you been wondering if your porn consumption is starting to become an addiction? Here are several questions worth considering as you reach your conclusion:

How much time am I spending with porn? There's nothing inherently wrong with using visual aids to enhance masturbation, but when you're watching four or eight hours of porn daily, it's gone beyond a simple self-pleasuring tool. How many photos, film clips or websites must you visit to be satisfied? Has this number grown over time? Do you find that you'd rather watch porn than do other things you once found pleasurable? When your duration of use continues to escalate and that time is replacing experiences that once brought you pleasure, it should be a red flag. Porn is quickly climbing the list of priorities in your life.

Is what I'm watching different than in the past? Most people who become drug addicts don't start with the hardest stuff possible, but end up there. The need to escalate comes from the brain's desire for the same dopamine hit that once came easier. It explains why those with gambling addictions make increasingly larger wagers and how the marijuana user evolves to heroin. There are plenty of people into roleplaying, S&M and exploring their sexuality in extreme ways in photos and on film. Have you found that the content of the porn you watch is becoming more extreme? Does what you once watch not do it for you anymore?

Where are am I viewing viewing porn? Most people view pornography in the privacy of their own homes on their computer screen, television or in the pages of a magazine, end of story. Some surveys show 1-in-30 women admit to watching porn on their computer at work, while others peg it as closer to 1 out of 3. Even more watch it on their phone, in the bathroom at work, or while driving the car. Are the places that you're watching porn not considered traditional? If so, when did this begin? Why can't you wait until you get home?

Who am I lying to about my viewing? Statistics suggest that the majority of the people who have access to a computer are watching pornography with some kind of regularity. Since self-pleasuring is usually accompanied, the entire topic is one many shy away from. But, if your use is starting to enter problem territory, the odds are good someone may have broached it with you. Did you lie? How big was the lie? Were you flustered and irritated they asked in the first place? Would you lie about your porn use to the people absolutely closest to you - those who you could otherwise tell everything?

How are my intimate relationships? If you're in a relationship, has the frequency of physical intimacy dropped, but the use of porn increased? Many people being using porn within a relationship to enhance the experience, but if your partner is not into it, this can leave one wanting more. If you're not in a relationship, do you find yourself paying for sex or frequenting strip clubs more than before where emotional intimacy is not a subject to be bothered with? Does the viewing of porn make you want to seek out casual sexual encounters? The idea of being intimate with only one person for the rest of their lives freaks out a lot of people. That's natural if you're one of them, but what is your long-term plan in lieu of lifetime commitment?

How do I feel about myself? Addiction of any kind often brings an increase in depression, stress and anxiety. Immediately after you use porn, does a sadness wash over you that is hard to explain? Most addicts feel isolated and alone, even if they're constantly around people and unlike some addictions, porn is the kind of addition one generally engages in privately. Are there feelings of shame when you think around your use of pornography? Do you wish you could slow down or stop, but find it impossible? Do you worry about where this is heading?

You probably had a good idea if you were addicted to pornography before answering these questions. A more important question is if you're going to do anything about it. The disease of addiction is something that can be fought, and it's easier to do the sooner an addict faces their problem.

If you can't quit cold turkey, there are 12-step resources like Sex Addicts Anonymous available. Most private therapists can speak to the issues of addiction, if not porn addiction specifically. Some licensing boards recognize Certified Sexual Addiction Therapists, while some still do not, but any therapist can point you in the right direction. For the critical, there are inpatient rehab options available.

Suffering alone, in shame, is not necessary any longer. If you believe you may have a pornography addiction, or are developing one, seek help.

Joshua Shea is a recovering porn addict who recently released The Addiction Nobody Will Talk About - How I Let My Pornography Addiction Hurt People and Destroy Relationships, a memoir of his descent into porn addiction. He also maintains RecoveringPornAddict.com