NJJ

I feel numb. It's about 2 years since I found out my partner was a SA. We have been together 19 years. He has un be known to me always had an addiction, drugs were before me, the alcohol was his thing when we met and as he moved on from that it became porn and stayed at just that all unknown to me for years until it escalated into an online relationship followed my visiting a sex worker. I should point out he has always had a good job and put on a great front to the outside. We have 3 children still young enough to impact. It changed my whole life that day I found out. I had a husband i could trust or so I thought. I was smug about it to be honest. Then from nowhere boom! I almost killed him, I continually purged my emotions. He swung from realisation to denial. Slipped so many times at one point his therapist refused to work with him until he decided what he wanted. Still he has continued to slip just slips. He has software on his phone to block all this but he finds ways around to all be it to very soft stuff. He slips everytime we start to rebuild. Recently he did something daft and not particularly awful but it triggered me and what shocked me most is yes I could feel that familiar pain. I felt like I was being suffocated by emotion. But I didn't perge I had nothing left. I am not angry I am not sure I was surprised but I was numb. Now I have done the 5 stages of trauma and I can tell you now yes I have PTSD. I have done rage like I have never known, I have felt such sorrow and depression. I've cried rivers of tears and sat awake whilst he sleeps thinking how dare you sleep whilst my chest feels like you ripped it open. I still find the trauma raw 2 years later. Now he has no access to anything we have cut everything off all of it. He has no online life. I hate it I feel like a controlling partner with all these terms and conditions and he is suffering stress related to life stuff rather than SA and I find him pulling away and he is never interested in me. I am sad I am broken but when I look at him unlike when it first happened when I wanted him to hold me and tell me he loved me enough to stop (I know naivety) I dont want him near me. I'm not angry I just cant be bothered. What's the point. I am starting to realise my tears are for me, for my trauma. For the fear i feel of damaging my children in leaving. They are not for him anymore and i have to say i am probably ready to leave. I still want him to wake up and tell me he will be emotionally available and will put in the effort to us and not just sobriety but he wont. He can't understand why i dont see how tired he is and how difficult his life is. I have spent almost 20 years seeing how tough his life is. Making excuses for his inability to be a partner. I just wanted him to choose me. I do know he loves me in his own way but he isn't a partner. For years i have thought what I wanted must have been too much. Now I realise it wasnt at all. I hate this is happening to me. I just want to get on with life, I have a good career, beautiful children. I just wanted to carry on and it would be easy to stick my head in the sand and do just that. But I don't have any un conditional love left. He's used it up. I love him still I think but it's hard to access that right now, but I think I have had 2 years where I could have just got over the trauma and worked on us, but his repeatedly slipping and inability to really face the coffee, do the therapy and the homework. Has just meant no, I need to draw a line. He hasn't slipped for 3 weeks and in that time I have realised I don't care anymore. Instead of reassuring me (and I should add I have read the books I knew there would be slipping, but there is slipping occasionally and there is slipping so often have you actually stopped?!) His stopping has given me the time to breathe and realise I cant do another 20 years like this. I want my life back. I dont want to fall asleep in tears anymore because he refuses my advances or to get close in any way, or because he has slipped again. I just want to do my job, raise my children and read a book. All without fear it will all come crashing down when I least expect it.

I think you may have to accept he is on his own journey. Thats not to say that will be with or without you but maybe get some therapy yourself. Give yourself time then maybe reach out to him. I spent almost 20 years with my husband before finding out he is a SA. We have children, I love him very much, my first response was to fight for him. Thankfully we have had a great therapist that has worked with Paula and he has been involved from the start. It took a few months for my other half to stop petit slips and really get on track each time he did something stupid it broke my heart a fresh. I know how that feels and I am sorry you are in so much pain. Thankfully we are currently on track and my other half seems to be making great progress but he almost did as much damage whilst I waited for him be ready to make real changes as he did when I first found out. I can't say we are living a happy ever after but we are in a better position we have been in for years and we are committed but we have both really put the work in and are continuing do so. I hope it goes well for you. I can read how much pain your in. Good therapy shouldn't have told him to cut ties with you, unless that is his choice but if he isn't responding maybe he needs time. Maybe he isn't really ready or committed to his therapy. I can't tell you what he is thinking. I think you have to deal with the pain you are in and the damage this has caused you for now. I'm so sorry.

Having been there on this! I would say this may have been a slip rather than acting out. It may be he was at the preparation stage (assuming you've seen the addiction diagram, its in the partners book written by Paula rather than just the sex addict book) whereby he was all ready to act out but decided not too. I understand the pain this causes and the rage.

Absolutely not your fault the 3 partnering C's of addiction. I didn't Cause it I can't Control it I can't Cure it I suggest you read Paulas book for partners if you haven't already. It really helps also you need therapy together if you can afford it that will help tremendously.

Paula has written a book for partners, you can also buy it on the kindle app etc. I would recommend reading it. I can't advise you on his position but I think the book would really help,].