where do you start

[Hanna]

Hi I guess this is a question for Paula and her team but hopefully the answer will help both those with addictions and their family members.   

Long story short, I separated from my about 2 months ago I am not in contact as we know we were triggering each other but eventually we will have to talk.  Previously my husband agreed to go for treatment at my insistence then dropped out due to car accident, them went fully into his addictions again but refusing treatment.  I dont know if that stance will continue and to be fair to me I need the space from the crazy to heal myself.  However if the day ever comes when we do talk about it again and he does decide to get help I am not sure where to start.  I have read so much and can identify my husband with multiple addictions including porn, SA, computer games, speed (hence is accident), religion etc etc but he also has OCD tendencies perhaps AHDD. From what he has said of childhood ( came from a very closed religious environment, he had to support family at very young age - sent away to work in a very different cultural environment with lots of sexual opportunities etc) so lots of trauma and maybe more.  I dont have the full history but I know he had problems at school was always naughty and ashamed of how poor family where, so lots going on.   

So my question is if he ever asks for help where would he start, how would he get full assessment if potential mental health need and so many different addictions, it all feels a little chicken and egg.  I know its not my place to tell him to get better but if he ever asks I would like something in my tool kit so to speak.  We did go to GP who basically said its something you will grow out of, which is a bit alarming so would not want to use that as an access point again.  Where would he start?   

[Rob]

Hello Hanna,

Sorry to hear about all your difficulties with your husband's addiction and problems. It's very sad to hear all that you've been through and are still trying hard to cope with.

I think your husband needs to hot rock bottom to want help and really make serious change. Finding the right people to work with and a place he feels both supported yet challenged to change I think is key. But this motivation must come from inside himself ultimately. It's not helpful when your GP tells him to just "grow up" either. I think from what you describe, the impact of your husband's addictions are similar to alcoholism in their impact on your relationship and his behaviour. Addicts don't want to take responsibility for themselves or their actions.

I did Paula's recovery course about 18 months ago and it has helped me tremendously both in terms of giving a practical path to follow and better understanding myself and why I ended up where I did and how not to go back. Most importantly, it's given me a group of guys in a similar position I can contact regularly for support. I think recovery is a process really rather than something you "do" and it takes time. Finding other people and getting out of the isolation is critical.

There are also groups like SLAA who provide face-to-face support with regular meetings. I think the key is that he makes it his number one priority to find help and not give up. Here are also some other online resources:

I can appreciate that spending time apart is difficult but concentrating on yourself and your own healing is really important so you can take care of yourself as best as possible. Ultimately his recovery is down to him.

You're right that you cannot control him getting better or not but i found it very helpful with my wife to talk about boundaries and the effect my porn problem had on her. That's a tough conversation but I realised I was becoming so distant that I was going to lose her forever. It sadly took me a long time and a lot of hurt to wake up to that. Addicts I think have a hard time with consequences.

Peace