Joshua Shea
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Posts posted by Joshua Shea
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I'm American, so I can't say 100% what it looks like assuming you're in the UK, but a lot of it has to do with what you have NOW, meaning cars, houses, etc. I've found in most cases, horror stories of insurance, loans, etc. have been overblown. That said, there are a lot of restrictions where a registered sex offender can live and it varies from town-to-town in the US. I wouldn't want to try to find an apartment now. Thankfully, since I've had my house almost 15 years, I'm grandfathered in on most. Ironically, since I've pulled my life together, my credit score has actually greatly improved since my conviction.
I am on probation for three years, with about a year left. At first, I had to report to the officer every other week and there were periodic checks of my house. I also had to take two lie detector tests in the first year. Once it was established that I'm low-risk for reoffending, it's been much easier. I check-in once a month and usually he just looks at me and says "Everything good? Any questions?" and then I move on with my day. We built trust and I've shown that I've learned my lesson. So, your relationship with law enforcement will be the tightest immediately after your conviction, but it does get better.
I was fired the day I was arrested...and because of my visibility in my community...I was all over the media. I will most likely never work for someone again in a white-collar environment. So I started freelance writing on my own, wrote my book and actually now make more money doing less work than I did before the conviction.
And yes, I'm on the register in America for life. But that just involves checking in with the police where I live every 3 months. Sure, it's a pain sometimes, but I look at it as a good reminder to stay in recovery and a small penance considering I created victims.
My best advice to you is use this time now to get your stuff together. Find out why you did what you did -- it's a long process, or at least it was for me -- and it involved a formula of reasons I couldn't have guessed when it first happened. You should have nothing to worry about with the police checking on you if you have nothing to hide. Live a life of honesty with your family and friends. I saw on your blog that your friends were great...people usually are. Some aren't, but that's their problem, not yours.
Your life will be forever different, there is no denying that, but despite the hoops you'll be made to jump through both in the short- and long-term, you may find that a couple of years from now, this was just the thing you needed to turn around. Consider checking out my blog at www.RecoveringPornAddict.com for more about my story.
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I'm glad you're writing about this for everyone to read on your blog. I looked through a few articles, followed it, and you are going exactly what I did four years ago. It will get better. Figure out why it really, really happened (and that takes time), develop the tools to not let it happen again and then share your story to help others. That's been my recovery path and it's made my life so much better. Yes, you will deal with a lot of static with insurance, loans, etc., once you're a convicted sex offender, but honestly, you learn ways to deal with it (put the house in someone else's name, for instance) and at least for me, I find that the trade-off for the life I live now is more than worth it.
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Thank you Victoria. I need to hear that now and then. If you haven't checked out my website, you'll find plenty more there, www.RecoveringPornAddict.com
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Sometimes dealing with our problems are what lead us to help. I'm a journalist by trade. I don't have the patience to get the licensing to be a counselor, unfortunately. I am a porn addict who has been in recovery and worked with fellow addicts for years, I've written a book about my experiences, run a website about porn addiction (RecoveringPornAddict.com) and I'm also one of the most well-read people I've met on the subject. Apologies if you feel like I hurt more than I helped. My bluntness is one of the things that makes me not want to enter the therapeutic field.
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At this point, even if you won Father of the Year six years in a row, you can understand why she wants to protect him. She wants to protect him from the hurt and betrayal that she's feeling and is projecting it. That's OK. She should have her reaction and you giving her time is just going to be one in 100 parts of this process. Have they explained what an "age appropriate" explanation means? I would think if a kid is almost 16, a non-graphic version of the truth is the best route.
If a few more weeks go by and he's still in the dark, you may want to either talk to Children's Services and/or legal representation. You don't want one of his friends learning through the grapevine what happened and then recounting it back to Sam...and that's exactly what will happen. Your wife overprotecting him could actually cause more harm than good, but I'm sure she can't rationally see that right now. She probably doesn't realize when he does find out, one of the things he's going to wonder is why his mother hid information for so long...and he'll wonder that again and again through the rest of his life. But again, give her a little time to get her bearings. Let her know you're open to communicating with her and leave it at that.
Aside from SAA, what other help are you getting? A fellowship of men for an hour a week is great, but that's not going to really get at the issues that led you to your porn addiction and it turning sinister. The more help you can get now, the better off you will be during the journey and the better it will look for whoever is deciding your legal fate come judgment day. Would you think an alcoholic who goes to one AA meeting a week for an hour and does nothing else is taking their recovery seriously?
Hopefully the last 16 days have shown you that you're more resilient than you think. The sun will set, the sun will rise and you will still be here. This event didn't cause the earth to stop spinning. You're going to be OK, even if you don't know what shape or form that takes yet.
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You shouldn't have to convince anyone you have a problem. You sound desperate to win her back, not desperate to get better.
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You describe a few different things here.
You want something, even if it's just passive attention from these other women. You wouldn't do it for no reason. People don't work that way. You may just not know, or want to admit the reason to yourself. In a committed relationship, you shouldn't be doing this.
As for your sexual fantasies, you should be able to share them with your girlfriend without her flipping out. If she says, "No, I don't want to do that" you either respect it or you move on. In a healthy relationship, each people have boundaries, and they are respected, but so is open communication. Do you think its this or the texting that sent her away?
Do you really feel like you need help - if so, for what? Or do you feel like you need to get help in order to win her back?
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It sounds like your wife has lied and has told your son nothing of relevance. He's 15 and a half...It's time to sit down and be blunt without being graphic.
My daughter was 14 and my son was 10 at the time of my arrest. When it first happened, I told them, "Sometimes, like a lot of grown-ups, I liked to look at dirty pictures, but I looked at some that you're not supposed to and I got in trouble." It was largely left as "looked at pictures I wasn't supposed to" for quite a while. When I went off to rehab, it was to figure out how I could live my life and not feel like I had to drink beer every day or look at those kinds of pictures. When a court appearance came, I explained what would happen and I always made them realize at the end of it, there would be some kind of punishment. As I came out of jail when my son was 12, he had a few more questions and I gave him straightforward, honest, yet again, not graphic answers. Instead of trying to position myself in any way but the way I was, I figured it was better to be honest. I did something I shouldn't. I figured out why it happened. I worked at fixing it and still work at it, and I had to be punished because it was a law I broke.
My son is now 15 and he asked to read my book. I told him it was OK because I just don't think hiding it when it's available on Amazon makes any sense. I gave him a copy and told him he didn't have to keep going if he didn't want to and if he had questions, I had answered. He spent one Saturday reading it. That night, I asked what he thought and he said that it helped connect a lot of things for him, and that he didn't realize how unhealthy I really was. He was more interested in the story I told of seeing real pornography the first time. That was just a little anecdote, but he surprisingly had the most questions about that.
I don't know you, your wife or your kid, but I don't think you should ever lie. Just be straightforward and if he needs details or more info, he'll ask for it.
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Tough how? I found with SAA, much like AA, you've got to really gel with the group to get something out of it. Unfortunately, where I live now, there are only 5 meetings within 50 miles of me in a week. I frequented one for a while, but it just wasn't like the ones I was introduced when I went to rehab. There are other 12 step groups like Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. For some reason, it just feels like to me in my area, most of the 12 step meetings are about whining that the wife or girlfriend isn't doing what she should, so the guy does things he shouldn't. It didn't help.
The things that ended up doing it for me were finding an actual support group for people who had porn addiction that was run by a therapist. I have to pay a few bucks every time I go, but it's well worth it. I also found writing helped me a lot so I started a blog. Visiting places like this forum and talking to people, offering hope and letting them know I've been there and they can beat their addictions helps me a lot too. For me, it's about communication.
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Absolutely. I'm about two weeks away from the fourth anniversary of my arrest. If you would have told me where I am now, helping people, a published book author, healthier than I've ever been, I would have thought it impossible. I'm not a big God guy, but I wonder if this all some part of some larger plan for my life. I could only be where I am now - a very good place - by going through this very bad experience. Don't forget that it's going to get better. Hold onto that. Know it to be true. You've hit rock bottom. Now it's time to go up. Yes, it's going to be scary and full of anxiety. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. But you're going to be OK. You did what you did and you'll have to deal with the consequences and you won't have a lot of control over those consequences, but sometimes that's just what we need.
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Hello P,
First, let me say that I've been there and that if you are committed to a new life of recovery, it can happen. On the legal end of things, you also need to know that one day this will all be over. That day may not be soon, but one day it will. My porn addiction went haywire in 2013, I was arrested in 2014 and served six months in jail in 2016. Between all of those times, I spent a lot of time at in-patient rehabs, in one-on-one and group therapy, and learning as much about addiction as I could. Ironically, when I went to jail, I was probably healthier than I'd ever been to that point. Today, despite letting my diet crumble this winter, I'm even healthier than I was then. You will get through this. You will survive. Thinking about doing extreme things and fearing for the future is absolutely natural - and yes, things will always be different from this point forward, but that doesn't mean they have to be bad.
I had to have my wife bail me out when I was arrested and I had to spend about five months living with my parents. As long as you never touched your children and you have decent legal representation, try not to worry about the kids being taken away. I had to go through the same process, and while I appreciate the work they do saving children who actually are in danger, it's scary when they turn their attention to you. At absolute worst, they won't want you to see your kids while the legal system plays itself out. But, keep in mind, that's ultimately up to a judge. Once it was firmly established I was not a danger to my kids, I was allowed to live with them provided my wife or parents were also in the home at the time. As long as your wife has been a decent mother, they're not going to take the kids from her. They have so many other, far more serious, cases to deal with.
You need to let your wife have her organic reaction. Don't try to stop her anger, sadness, confusion or any of it. She needs to get through it. Just let her know you are there to answer questions honestly. And if you don't know the answers, let her know, but also let her know you're going to do whatever you can to figure out how you got to that point.
Along with the 12-step programs, I'd urge you to find a legit therapist to sit with simply to go over all of your options in seeking help. Yes, you should most definitely see a therapist, but right now you need to understand what treatment modes are available to you. There are probably many you don't even know exist.
If you don't have legal representation yet, get it. They can help you understand what's going to happen and what the possibilities are moving forward. Even if your legal options are not good, it is still better to be prepared. It was two years between my arrest and my sentencing. He was an amazing guide and helped me get the best possible outcome. He also coordinated with my therapist about my recovery path and what would help in my legal proceedings.
I can really relate on the desire to help others and that's what I spend a lot of my time doing now. If you're sincere about that, hold onto it, because trying to help others not end up in my spot is a big piece of what got me through the worst of it. While in jail, I wrote a memoir about my descent into addiction and about a year after getting out, I started a website hoping to help others. My book finally came out two months ago and I've heard from many people that it's helped. If you want to check out my site, it's www.RecoveringPornAddict.com
If you want to talk in a more private setting, you can get my contact information through that site.
It may get worse for you before it gets better, but I'm proof it can get better.
Josh
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Hey Matt,
What you're probably realizing now is that all of the time you didn't think it was a big deal before you were 20, it was about far more than a moment of sexual gratification. After all, if it's just about "getting off" you wouldn't need it once you had a girlfriend, right? Since addiction is usually a coping mechanism system of a larger issue, you may want to find some help in figuring out what that larger issue is. If you can define and begin to work on that problem, you'll probably find that it's a little easier dealing with the addiction. It doesn't cure it, but it helps to put it in perspective...at least it did for me.
Be careful of the escalation into more extreme content. That's a major red-flag, as is the inability to function with your girlfriend. Unless something is physically wrong, you should be able to climax multiple times a day if you want. And if it's not a physical block, it's a mental block.
You said, "Im 23 now and I dont feel like I can be happy with myself until I stop." Something tells me even if you stopped right now, you'd still not be happy with yourself, and again, that takes some work with a professional to figure out.
Like PJ said, see if the 12-step thing works for you. Even if you can't get on board with it, it will at least introduce you to people who are struggling with similar issues. Since you're a decent writer, I'd also go urge you to look at the world of blogging. You'll find many people in various states of addiction and recovery through things like Wordpress blogs. I've been doing it now for seven months and love it.
Good luck, man.
Josh
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This person isn't a specialist, but they won't judge you and I think it would probably do you some good to talk to people who are going to be judgment-free while you figure things out. No idea where you're from, but I'd look for Sex Addicts Anonymous in your area. I'd also do a search for a therapist you can talk with. Also, just start talking to people on forums like this. There are a lot of people with blogs like me out there who also write about this kind of stuff a lot and that may help you along the way. You've identified you have a problem. That's the biggest step. You're to be commended.
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One of the those things you hear a lot when you're in recovery is that it's not just the addict who is sick, it's everyone who is around them. I could stand there and lecture to my wife all day about what I learned, but that was never going to be the means for her to "get it." She had to do the research herself. Once she started learning about my addictions, she was able to understand that she too needed a little work.
Your girlfriend may have issues that make the things you do 100 times worse in her eyes than a different women. It could have also been part of the formula that drew you together. Ultimately, it's for you to figure out as a team. It was a bigger push to get my wife into therapy than me, but today, almost four years later, she's shed 50% of her excess body weight and we're both happier than we ever have been.
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Note: I originally wrote this for my blog, but at the advice of someone close to me, I'm trying to find a larger audience with it. I don't have the patience to try and find a place to publish it, so hopefully it reaches an audience here.
As a generation of people who never knew a world without the Internet become firmly entrenched in their 21st century jobs, we're just starting to see fallout from the first couple of decades of having the world at the end of our fingertips.
Sure, we no longer need to visit a library, video store or travel agent since these services are now just a click, instead of a car ride, away. But, to obtain and view pornography, the days of sketchy XXX theaters, scuzzy adult book stores and mail order are also now just a click away.
That may not be such a good thing. Statistics regarding the use of pornography have not only exploded in recent years, but so have the documented cases of porn addiction and convictions on illegal pornography charges.
I was lucky in that I had the resources to seek treatment at an inpatient rehabilitation facility. Despite reading similar statistics that suggest the ratio of female-to-male porn addicts is 1-to-3, Of the 15 people in my program, only one was a woman. She told me in conversation that while it's shameful and embarrassing for a man to seek help, it is downright unacceptable for most women to even admit to viewing porn where she came from. How can you get help if you can't tell anybody you've got a problem?
Porn viewership among women is on the rise with monolith Pornhub reporting "Porn for Women" was the most searched term site-wide in 2017, including a 359% jump over 2016 specifically by women. The site reported 26% of its viewership was women, and out of the 20 countries that most access the site, 19 saw an increase of female visitors.
Understandably, the number of women self-identifying as addicts has dramatically risen is just about every study and survey available.
Most people who view pornography neither develop an addiction nor break the law, but for most who end up with a problem, like I did, it often isn't recognizable until it's too late.
Have you been wondering if your porn consumption is starting to become an addiction? Here are several questions worth considering as you reach your conclusion:
How much time am I spending with porn? There's nothing inherently wrong with using visual aids to enhance masturbation, but when you're watching four or eight hours of porn daily, it's gone beyond a simple self-pleasuring tool. How many photos, film clips or websites must you visit to be satisfied? Has this number grown over time? Do you find that you'd rather watch porn than do other things you once found pleasurable? When your duration of use continues to escalate and that time is replacing experiences that once brought you pleasure, it should be a red flag. Porn is quickly climbing the list of priorities in your life.
Is what I'm watching different than in the past? Most people who become drug addicts don't start with the hardest stuff possible, but end up there. The need to escalate comes from the brain's desire for the same dopamine hit that once came easier. It explains why those with gambling addictions make increasingly larger wagers and how the marijuana user evolves to heroin. There are plenty of people into roleplaying, S&M and exploring their sexuality in extreme ways in photos and on film. Have you found that the content of the porn you watch is becoming more extreme? Does what you once watch not do it for you anymore?
Where are am I viewing viewing porn? Most people view pornography in the privacy of their own homes on their computer screen, television or in the pages of a magazine, end of story. Some surveys show 1-in-30 women admit to watching porn on their computer at work, while others peg it as closer to 1 out of 3. Even more watch it on their phone, in the bathroom at work, or while driving the car. Are the places that you're watching porn not considered traditional? If so, when did this begin? Why can't you wait until you get home?
Who am I lying to about my viewing? Statistics suggest that the majority of the people who have access to a computer are watching pornography with some kind of regularity. Since self-pleasuring is usually accompanied, the entire topic is one many shy away from. But, if your use is starting to enter problem territory, the odds are good someone may have broached it with you. Did you lie? How big was the lie? Were you flustered and irritated they asked in the first place? Would you lie about your porn use to the people absolutely closest to you - those who you could otherwise tell everything?
How are my intimate relationships? If you're in a relationship, has the frequency of physical intimacy dropped, but the use of porn increased? Many people being using porn within a relationship to enhance the experience, but if your partner is not into it, this can leave one wanting more. If you're not in a relationship, do you find yourself paying for sex or frequenting strip clubs more than before where emotional intimacy is not a subject to be bothered with? Does the viewing of porn make you want to seek out casual sexual encounters? The idea of being intimate with only one person for the rest of their lives freaks out a lot of people. That's natural if you're one of them, but what is your long-term plan in lieu of lifetime commitment?
How do I feel about myself? Addiction of any kind often brings an increase in depression, stress and anxiety. Immediately after you use porn, does a sadness wash over you that is hard to explain? Most addicts feel isolated and alone, even if they're constantly around people and unlike some addictions, porn is the kind of addition one generally engages in privately. Are there feelings of shame when you think around your use of pornography? Do you wish you could slow down or stop, but find it impossible? Do you worry about where this is heading?
You probably had a good idea if you were addicted to pornography before answering these questions. A more important question is if you're going to do anything about it. The disease of addiction is something that can be fought, and it's easier to do the sooner an addict faces their problem.
If you can't quit cold turkey, there are 12-step resources like Sex Addicts Anonymous available. Most private therapists can speak to the issues of addiction, if not porn addiction specifically. Some licensing boards recognize Certified Sexual Addiction Therapists, while some still do not, but any therapist can point you in the right direction. For the critical, there are inpatient rehab options available.
Suffering alone, in shame, is not necessary any longer. If you believe you may have a pornography addiction, or are developing one, seek help.
Joshua Shea is a recovering porn addict who recently released The Addiction Nobody Will Talk About - How I Let My Pornography Addiction Hurt People and Destroy Relationships, a memoir of his descent into porn addiction. He also maintains RecoveringPornAddict.com -
Don't ever give up. You have to figure out why it happened and what the best formula is for you to stop. It's not easy, but once you figure it out, it feels like you gain the upper-hand and that's so empowering.
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Mak,
First of all, you're probably not a pervert. I don't think those really exist.
It sounds like you know you have a problem and it's great that you're seeking help, but if the help isn't working, you either need more or different help. You have an addiction. You have changed how your brain operates. But you can do it, even at 60. It just takes time and a lot of hard work. Keep coming to sites like these and if you can find a fellowship, be it a 12-step group or some other kind where you can talk to other men face-to-face about this, you may be able to start figuring this burden out. Good luck.
Josh
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First, I want to say after taking a look at many of the posts on this forum, I feel like I'm in the right place. I just wish I knew this site existed long ago when I was just starting in recovery.
That's part of why I write. I have discovered something over the last 2-3 months and wanted to share it with those who are much earlier or just starting in recovery and maybe it can help a few people out.
So, I absolutely understand that shame is a huge part of the issue. I know that I felt it. But my situation was a little different in that I was very well known in my community when my problem came out. I made the horrible mistake of talking to a teenager in a chat room and was busted by the police. Because I was a prominent business person, leader in the arts community and a local politician, the news of my arrest was the lead story on TV news for several days. I went into hiding for a long time. During that time, I got the help I needed with both my porn addiction and alcoholism and continue to have one-on-one and group therapy to this day.
So, about six months ago, I launched a website, RecoveringPornAddict. It was mostly just going to be a promotional site when my book came out, but it started being discovered by addicts and those who loved addicts. Then right after my book (The Addiction Nobody Will Talk About) came out in January, I started being approached by podcasts and other for interviews. The book is doing OK and you can find it at the typical sites, but more importantly, I've felt this renewed energy in recovery.
It's really simple. I just tell my basic story to somebody new almost every day. Maybe it's someone who wrote to me on my website because they bought the book or heard me on a podcast, or maybe it's on a forum like this. My therapist and group members are great -- but we're deep, deep into my story there. I'm just talking about the basics. By telling roughly the same story so often I feel like I've had a major breakthrough I didn't know was possible. Seeing, reading or hearing people's reactions is so magnificent. Yes, there are the people close to you who either love you a lot, or have judged you a lot, but this is different. This is somebody you connect with briefly and then you're done. You've shared knowledge and in many cases, hope.
There is still shame -- I did something horrible, but I'm now realizing how I can help. My website will never get 1,000 viewers in a day and I'll never have anything close to a best seller with the topic of how I sunk into porn addiction, but these two things have allowed me to make so many connections that I feel stronger than ever about fighting this. I wonder if I had known this in my second week, or second month of recovery if it would have helped. I guess it's not always about digging super deep to find that hidden trauma. Sometimes what you can offer on the surface is enough.
Is anyone on, or been on the Sex Offenders' Register? OT?
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Prior to your conviction, they just want to know where you are. They probably won't show up for searches or anything like that. After your conviction, they'll be more likely to check in with you...you can almost guarantee it. But in my experience, it's not invasive. It's just making sure that you are saying where you'll be and making sure there aren't any obvious problems with that place.