Confused

[sarahc]

Hi,

I guess I dont know where to start.  My husband and I got together two years ago, he had just begun his divorce proceedings and everything was amazing.  His first wife left after she found him in chat rooms, texting women and sending pictures.  He said it went no further and to be honest I believe him.  The didnt have a sex life and he claims that drove him to act in the manner he did.

 

After a 9 months together we moved in (i left my country to follow him), it was a massive step and everyone thought I was mad, I love him so much but now I think im the fool.  Shortly after we moved in together he was away in Africa with work.  I was logging on to my email from the pc and found he had another email address which he hadnt logged out of, it was full of notifications from kik and plenty of fish.  I obsessed over them for two weeks whilst he was away.  I confronted him when he was home and he said it was because he didnt know how we would work out and he didnt want to be alone.  We talked things through and I thought we had sorted them out.

 

Roll on a few months and we got engaged.  I then discovered that he was messaging one of the girls and also send explicit texts to another (who had been one of the reasons why his first marriage had broke up).  Again I confronted him and there was a lot of crying and soul searching but I agreed to stay.  I told him he needed help and he agreed he did but he was scared in case his work found out.

We got married and everything was perfect until two days ago.  I discovered that once again he had messaged a girl and sent her a photo.  I feel sick and worthless right now.  I dont know what to do or where to turn.  He has agreed once again he needs help but this time he has actually made an appointment with a counsellor.  Hes seeing her tomorrow.  I go from being normal with him to being so so angry to the point I cant even look at him.  I dont know what to do, I dont want to give up on my marriage but I dont think I can face this again.

Does counselling help?

 

Sorry for the rant, I am just so lost right now.

[Christine]

Good to hear that he has acknowledged his need for help and booked an appointment to see a counsellor, it is important that he sees a counsellor who has specialised training in this area so that he gets the right support. Counselling can help someone understand and look at the underlying causes for their own behaviour and they can then work towards making changes. Counselling can also be a great benefit for a partner who is reacting to what they have discovered, often suffering and in shock, how can you clearly know what to do at this stage, seeing a counsellor for support can help with sorting out your own thoughts and reactions, it can also give you a sense of control over your own situation. 

Ranting is fine, hope you find direction soon

[worthyhope]

Hi Sarahc, I understand that pendulum swing between feeling in control and homicidal rage. I still occasionally feel those extremes of emotion now and I've been in recovery as the partner of a SA for just over a year. You've only just discovered that your partner has these problems and you are in shock and traumatised. Its important to remember that. He needs to sort himself out and get the necessary help to do so and you need help and support too. Your physical and emotional responses are natural and inevitable to such a shock. Paula's books on SA for addicts and partners were very helpful for us when we started on our very painful journey. There are lots of sources of support out there for for both addicts and partners. It's almost impossible not to take this personally. Every fibre in a partner's body tells her ( or him) that they mustn't be good enough and that's why the addict does what (s)he does. I've come to understand that it's nothing to do with me, it's nothing to do with the other women. It's not even about sex - it's about addiction and the emotional and biological drivers for addiction. It's hard to accept that as a betrayed partner but if you do it helps to explain why your partner didn't set out to hurt you. It was just inevitable that they would because they are an addict.