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Help on having the conversation


Lenet4
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Hi, looking for some advice, we're together 15 years and married 13. I've known for so long now (5 years +) and looking back it's always been an issue, he's on hundreds of sites a day. I've ask to discuss it but he gets so angry and implies it's my fault (he stopped physical relationship as soon as we married) as I'm frigid (I am now as hate what he looks at). I need experience of how you had conversation and how to start it and even if he gets angry how to continue talking and if needs be ending our relationship. I'm scared (always been scared of confrontation) is there anyway to make it go more smoothly

 

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Hi @Lenet4 I feel so sorry that you’re husband is implying that HIS addiction is in any way your fault. 
He is using manipulation like a child who wants his own way to be able to keep on using porn. He is most likely numbing pain (probably from childhood) and even if there is some other underlying reason it isn’t, wasn’t and never will be anything that you are responsible for. 
I wish I could turn back the clock and approach my husband regarding his addiction as it was a whirlwind of hell back in January 2023. I was very confrontational, accusatory and sometimes downright mean but I myself was traumatised by discovery.

The likelihood is that your husband will try to excuse, minimise, lie or as he has before, use manipulation and then blame you for his issues. 
I would make notes of everything that you wish to address, and then insist on putting boundaries in place for your peace of mind.

Porn blockers on all devices, password to be disclosed to same devices. No phone in bathroom etc, the list needs to be things you personally require. 
Chances are he will spit out his dummy and wail about how unfair it all is, but you must keep your boundaries. I mean is it right he objectifies other women and sees them as nothing more than objects to satisfy his lust and then expect you to be ok with it?  
I would recommend him attending SAA and looking for a therapist in sex/porn addiction. Obviously you cannot make him do any of these things but you will have answers as to whether or not he wants your relationship to work. They say no big decisions on staying or leaving for 6-12 months but it seems you’ve been dealing with this for a long time now. Maybe he thinks that you will always tolerate this and stay so he has no need to address it and change. You have the right to have a happy and healthy life and relationship, so maybe do some work on yourself also, I found journaling and mindfulness to be really helpful. Lots of self care and doing things that make you feel good.

Have a look at the Rob Weiss podcasts and also the Wetonglen website for advice also. 
Reach out if you have any questions and hopefully others will be along with help soon.

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