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Just found out and don't know what to do


Beech12345
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Hi all,

Just reaching out as I found out last Sunday that my partner cheated on me last year with a woman he arranged to meet on the internet. I've known he has struggled with porn addiction for a long time, he always told me he knew how to handle and manage it etc. But honestly not and it's clearly escalated. I never thought he would ever do anything like this and I'm obviously worried there's more disclosures to come.

We have been together 11 years and just bought our first house together, I'm so conflicted with what to do going forward. All my family and friends are confused as to why I haven't left already, but I feel confused with how to go forward. I am also very aware how difficult it will be going forward staying with someone with this kind of addiction and I suppose I'm seeking some kind of understanding of how its worked out for others. 

He has joined SAA and is also getting himself sorted with therapy, he feels he has an addiction and is doing everything right going forward, but I'm not naive that it will be a difficult journey ahead whatever the decision. 

Big love to everyone and sorry we've all had to go through this xx

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Hi dear

I'm also sorry that you have to go though this. I think you will see clearer down the line, no need to take any immediate decisions if you are in two minds about it. ll refrain from sharing my story in detail now, you have enough to come to terms with. I don't know if and when his therapy will see a change in his behavior.  If you want to give him a chance, it will be a while before you will know that.  I hate to sound negative but you know, after years of porn use he might have escalated last year.... or earlier. You just won't know. And as the trust is gone, we tend to assume the worst. Just be good to yourself now, take care of yourself and give it a bit of time. You might think of putting boundaries in place to protect yourself. That would be my advice but yes, it is not going to be easy. I think the pain goes away a bit but then the wounds might re-open.  All the best for now. xx

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi Anna,

Thanks so much for replying, I've been in a bit of a whirlwind over the last few weeks. 

I suppose I'm just feeling super sad and disappointed that this is where my life is. I've worked really hard and it just feels so unfair and unjust that it has ended in this. 

I suppose I'm feeling a bit woe is me this week and a bit pathetic! 

He is still living at home, but I still dont quite know what to do with regards to staying with him and not putting any pressure on myself to make that decision yet. 

Not really sure what I'm saying aha but thankyou for your reply 😊

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@Beech12345 It's still very early days for you. It took me 12+ months before I began to get clarity on what should happen to the two of us in my relationship. "No sudden moves" is a good motto here. 

I know calling it a mistake is an understatement, but they do happen. Some people do, from time to time, make big failures of judgement in a relationship for all kinds of reasons. 

Aside from the infidelity, your partner needs to acknowledge his issues with porn and start to actively do something about them. Joining SAA and seeking therapy are steps in the right direction. Infidelity may, or may not, be connected to the addiction. 

One day at a time. 

 

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@Beech12345 just keep being kind to yourself. There is no need to worry just yet about the future. Even tomorrow can at times feel a lifetime away, just concentrate on today and remember if today is a bad one, then the next maybe a little better. Just take it easy on yourself, work your own recovery, you have no control on how your partner works theirs, but you can get yourself to a better place so that dealing with this trauma becomes more bearable.

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