How to make a distinction

[bee81]

I am sorry in advance for a long post. I am sorting through my emotions and trying to understand it all.

I recently discovered that my husband of 14 years has been sleeping around with hookers and having casual sex with girls through dating sites for at least the past 4 years or so. The numbers of sex partners are staggering and the money spent on his activities are in thousands. I knew about his porn problem in first few years of our marriage. We fought about it a lot and some times he would say sorry other times he said its not a big deal and guys like to do it  and its not cheating etc. Over time I became sick of hearing his sorries and truly starting believing that he has no desire to stop and may be it is not a big deal after all. I kind of gave in to the idea that perhaps all guys like to watch porn and as long as it is just porn we should be ok. I knew such behaviors often accelerate but I was in classic denial of "not him, not us". 

Anyways fast forward to present, we have a lovely 2 year old son together and these past two years I though was bringing so much joy in our lives. certainly bringing two of us together. I would watch my husband play with our son and think blissfully about "my boys". Little did I know appearances can be deceptive. When I first found out he was in a hotel room with some girl, he completely broke down and apologized and begged me not to leave him. He said it was this dating app that he recently started using and this was his first and only physical encounter. I was shocked and hurt and so miserable. I went through so much pain and balled my eyes out infront of him and he hugged me and said he is so sorry that he caused this pain. I asked is there more that you are not telling me to that he said No, thats all the truth. I believed him. I was crippled with pain but forced myself to move forward and life was getting normal. Four months later, I found a phone in his backpack with recent msg to escorts asking to meet immediately. Some msg indicated as he was a regular with them. I can't even describe how it felt. I started shaking, feeling very cold unable to stand on my feet. I was angry at him that anger I didn't feel before, I wanted to rip him apart. The worst thing was we were out in the public with our son when I found that phone. I couldn't say or do anything. He had the couple of hours to come up with a story and he did. He said he just msg them. Never been with an escort before. He though nothing is going to happen. It was just curiosity blah blah blah. But this time I was not buying it. I dig deep, out of sheer luck found a undelete voice mail from two years back. Asked about it he lied. In the morning I was ready to call the number then he partially confessed to seeing a hooker once few years ago and didn't like it. Dating with many girls and sleeping with three. Long story short in coming days I would find out that it was no where near to the reality. I looked at our financial records which go only few years back and there are countless transaction and money withdrawals. I looked at his location history and found hotels he visited, massage  places and what not. And that just what I was able to found out. He was furious when I told him that there is all this I found out and he said why can't I just leave it alone. He said it does not help to dig the past and no reason for me to know how many sex partners he had. Now the situation is I know what I was able to dig out and he reluctantly confessed to what I know. He says thats all the truth but haven't I heard it before. I can not trust a single word out of his mouth now and certainly no way of knowing otherwise that how long it had all been going on. But I guess I am done finding out. The truth up to this point is pretty awful and I can't wrap my head around how can some one do that. He continue to cheat on me when I was pregnant and even after the birth of our son he would rather spend money and time on other things than to come home on time and try help me in that transitional phase of my life. I always got "too busy and stressed out at work" husband who sometimes have to even go to work on weekend. He also gave me hard time about spending money as well. I wanted to use chemicals free diapers for my son and got a mail order subscription and it was bit costly than regular supermarket ones and he had an issue with that so I cancelled it. Now I see he would give 300 to 500 dollars to escorts on regular  bases just for an hour of his pleasure seems so unfair and selfish. 

He did go to a therapist but didn't finish his program with him. The therapist diagnosed him as a sex addict and also thinks that he is depressed and need meds. My husband didn't like the therapist and said he will look for another but haven't done so yet. He also says that it was about sex with different girls and nothing more. He lied to the girls he dated and would just want to take them to bed. The money part he said was he convinced himself that this is what it all cost so he allowed himself. He said he would feel guilty about sex afterwards but my feeling is that guilt part faded away as well after first few. He also said he enjoyed the experience. He maintains that the reason  for not telling me the whole truth is that he cared for me, didn't want to hurt me and was embarrassed himself. 

Now the situation is I really don't know what to believe. He never felt guilty enough to stop or come clean and confess and seek help. I had to dig for the extent of his problems. His reaction to my discovery is totally shocking as well because every time I bring up the subject he got mad and tried to either down play the situation or tell me he can't do it any more. He said if we are deciding to stay together then I have o get over it and not move in circles. He has given me access to all his accounts and passwords. Enable location services on his phone and taking small steps to make situation better. I appreciate it but the conflict that I am facing is that I feel he does not feel that his past behavior was troubling. He agrees that it is sex addiction but I feel he uses it as an excuse and not something that actually need work. I feel ashamed of thinking that way but I don't know what else to think. How can someone enjoys a behavior, had no intuition of stopping on their own and say it was an addiction? What do you make of this situation? How can I change the way of thinking negatively about his intentions?

Thank you for reading this all. I really have no one else to talk to.

Edited March 1, 2017 by bee81

[Ian Baker]

Hi Bee81

thank you for sharing. There are many paths in all of this, be it self help books that help highlight what someone goes through and then whether support can be with friends, family. Or support groups and or ones own therapy to help overcome the impact of this on you . On this website there are also many self help resources. 

The groups we run for partners is specifically designed  to  help with many of the above subjects you raise. being with others and hearing one is not alone, can itself be one of the most powerful gifts from a group. There is also something for you of not knowing your partner in recovery and how the relationship can/will heal and repair and for trust and forgiveness. This is also a topic covered in "sex addiction: the partners perspective" and in the group.

take care

Ian, Paula Hall Associate. 

[Patty]

My world has just come crashing down in a similar way - sending you a hug x

[Alicrumble]

Me too. I'm reading Paula's book the patrners perspective and it is helping. I am going to see a therapist on Monday. He is going on Thursday. I found him for him. He doesn't know I'm going. My whole world has fallen apart. We're supposed to be getting married in 4 months. So make my mind up time is a bit limited!