Anyone here Divorced their SA husband?

[Inimitable]

We are divorcing. Mainly my choice, based upon his behaviors of course. but he knows why I must. he has hurt me too bad and he admits it. I could NEVER trust him again. With that being said, we have children, and my therapist has warned me that he will get to the point where he WILL let them down and disappoint them/lie to them/manipulate them as he has done to me. even if he hasn't so far, she warns me. I hope she's wrong. I would NEVER want them to feel like this. But so far every move he's made she has warned me about has happened. I'm so worried. he's already living with a woman he JUST MET (who has a kid herself!) and he's acting like he may introduce her to the kids within a few months!

anyone here divorced? and has it gone ok, afterwards, with child custody and whatnot? we both agree on 50/50 (he needs his OWN place for that to happen). no fighting over anything material. it's been hard for me to control myself, talking to him about his behaviors now and how they hurt me (and the kids have seen me upset, i try to hide it), because HIS BUSINESS IS NOT MY BUSINESS ANYMORE. what he does is not my business. unless it affects the kids. i am sure as hell teaching my kids about relationships and being loving/caring and HONEST with your partners, so they won't follow HIS example, moving in with someone after 3 weeks, when u r not even divorced from their mother yet. 

 

thanks for listening, it is SO helpful having this forum, as i don't have any friends (he was my ONLY friend). it gets lonely. i have a therapist, but just once a week. i'd like to talk about this non stop, but that wouldn't be healthy, WASTING my time talking about HIS addiction. forgive any typos.

 

[Tabs]

Hi Inimitable, I’m moving ahead with divorce too. No children, I am in my 60s and have learnt so much about him, that he hid. I cannot cope with him any more, particularly his lack of empathy. My story is on this forum, it’s a horrid read. He too has moved on, to someone young enough to be his daughter, with young children!! 
I think you’re right to show your children how to behave in a way that respects others.  He doesn’t sound like a good role model, and your children will see that you are.
You are not alone. There are too many of us in this situation, with sex addicts. Everyone’s situation is unique and their paths will be different, but I think we all know when it’s the end of the road! Take care, and be strong and go towards happiness! xxxx

[Tabs]

Sorry, just to add. I have booked to see a solicitor. Like you we were sorting it out, 50/50 , very reasonable etc, but with another woman in the picture I was advised that I need to ensure I’m protected. He’s already given her money’!! I’ve found a reasonably priced family lawyer who has fixed fees. Xxx

[Inimitable]

Thanks for replying, Tabs! I've read your other posts, i appreciate you sharing your story. I cannot imagine what I would do in your situation, you even waited for him while he was in prison...wow! I have gone above and beyond for my husband, but don't know if I'd have stuck it out like you did. These men (using the term loosely of course) don't deserve women like US. I wish you luck, and I'm glad you were able to get a lawyer (solicitor). My husband tried to give a woman $500 of OUR money, but it didn't work out, thank goodness. technical glitch. 

I have realized I am going through a "withdrawal" of sorts, myself. I believe I'm going through Trauma bonding, with my husband/our past relationship. so instead of wasting my time researching HIS addiction, I am looking into helping MYSELF, because going without having him around all the time, or being able to talk to him like I used to, I've become a shell of who I used to be.  Honestly, he was my only "friend" my best "friend" but I now know that he is unable to be anyone's friend. he does not love himself (because of his past trauma/shame) so he cannot love anyone else. I wish i could CUT communication completely, but we have kids. He says his kids COME FIRST, but already he is mentioning how his new woman might end up living with him (if he gets his own place in a couple months), when the whole PLAN was that he'd be able to get 50/50 custody of the kids! which is why he'd need his own place! but instead, this woman might need a place to live, so he's willing to SACRIFICE HIS CUSTODY, for this woman to live with him.

Don't mean to go on a RANT, this is incredibly hard, am I right? 

Thanks again for replying/sharing with me. This forum is extremely helpful to not feel SO ALONE.

Inimitable

[Tabs]

You’re so right Inimitable, it is incredibly hard. Every single part of this is difficult. I’ve come to realise that I can’t ever truly understand him and his thought processes. I’ve always been an open book, I hate lies and dishonesty, and I’m very loyal. I think he used that knowledge to his advantage. Emotional abuse! 
We all have to do what we feel is right And that differs for each individual. For me it was providing support when he was at his rock bottom, the same as if he was a good friend and not a husband, the relationship was never going back to how it was.  Now though I can let it go, and look after me and I can know in my heart that I did what I needed to do, regardless of what others thought I should do! 
It must be so hard sharing children, I guess you will need to set boundaries for you personally. You will find yourself again, and hopefully be happier and more fulfilled than you were before. I do believe that going through this trauma does ultimately make us stronger, if we heal from it. Like you I had therapy which helped me work through the complicated feelings. 
I also agree it’s good to talk to others in a similar situation, it’s so hard to discuss with others who haven’t lived it!

Xxx