Disclosure? Experiences please.

[Unsure but hopeful]

Hi

We are 13 months post d day (the latest and biggest) after drip drip exposure for 4 years. Finding out it was sex addiction and porn addiction in Jan 2020.

We are doing relatively 'well' hubby is in recovery. I'm doing well. I've done therapy and EMDR, been diagnosed ADHD and now medicated. Hubby has been doing therapy and disclosure work with his therapist. He is also being assessed for ADHD. He has not relapsed and no slip since July. It's been very slow and painful at times but his remorse is great. It's taken him time to stop lying, I THINK he has now. There is a definite change. We do evening check ins. We are building up our sex life slowly too.

But I'm debating whether to do the disclosure now. Being taken back to that place. What did you get from it? Why did you do yours? Did it help or hinder?

I know most of what happened, I think. But what if I don't?

I'm feeling confused and was hoping for some clarity and other ways of looking at disclosure

Thank you ❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Confused and Unsure]

Hi Unsure but hopeful!

It is so good to hear you have hope and your partner is working so hard in recovery. Recovery - sticking to it, and refraining are issues w my partner. For this reason, I am 100% on board with complete and continued disclosure. If I know he’s slipping, I can be of support if he wants it. If he’s choosing to slip & doesn’t want support, I then need to take a closer look at my commitment to walk his recovery w him. If he’s not willing to abstain and do the 12-steps, maybe our relationship isn’t worth it. 
 

To me honesty & integrity are most important because without it we can’t rebuild trust. I’m willing to struggle w my ptsd for the sake of the journey to ensure we are able to rebuild the trust. Without trust, we won’t have a firm foundation to rebuild upon. 
 

Wading through the waves of triggers is healing for me. I have such grand ptsd, I need to go through the motions so I can heal and learn to live with the triggers & my reactions to them. What is an issue for me is deciding when enough is enough with the issues that have become our relationship now that he is a disclosed sex addict. There are so many layers to him I didn’t know about for years. I have to decide as the issues unfold, if my values, morals and life are being sacrificed and if the pain is worth enduring? 
 

The man I was madly and deeply in love with is gone and our relationship is forever different.  None of what is today is nothing I signed up for when I lived a life with him prior to disclosure.  All of which was our relationship built on lies, manipulation and deceit. Is the man he now the man whom I want to spend forever with?  I just don’t know??