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Ashamed and alone.

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I'm not sure how long I have been using porn, but if I was to guess I'd say at least 10 years in one form or another.
I never really saw it as an addiction more a way of coping with situations, but isn't that what most habits start out as?
Anyway the reason why I've decided to post here is because it's caused me to lose the most amazing person in my life, my partner.
She was everything to me, my entire world but I went too far and she left me. I don't really understand why I still used porn when we had a great sex life. She even accepted my Erectile dysfunction and never made it be a problem when I couldn't perform. 
She found out about my porn use early on in our 2 year relationship and it has been a constant source of arguments and break ups.
She has access to my phone and finds out everytime I slip.
The porn was bad enough but I took it a step further and once used my phone to record us having sex, without her knowledge. 
I told her about the video in the middle of yet another argument about porn, I suppose as a way of showing her that I do find her sexually attractive and it's not just the porn I use to masturbate with.
As a result we have broken up and she is adment it is for good.
The deceit and betrail was too much for her to take and was the final straw.
Why did I feel the need to film us and why  was the porn not enough?
I am left alone, ashamed and confused as to how low I have sunken.
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Thank you Marley for this very honest post.

This is a poignant reminder to all of us who have lost out through addiction. It is also a reminder to everyone to get help early before our cognitive distortions  push our loved ones away.  I do hope that you have NOT spiraled into more acting out as a result of the latest shame and HAVE been able to reach out and get help for yourself. There is much resource available for you. 

You are in my thoughts at this difficult time.

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  • 3 months later...

Hi there. 

just wanted to say as a partner of a porn addict I think it might be that she felt she was being drawn into your addiction. Like she wants to be separate from it, and you brought her into it by the filming. Is there a reason why you didn’t speak to her about filming first? If you were trying to help your addiction by transferring the desire onto her rather than the porn, have you explained this to her? I’m almost tempted to say if my partner did this I’d like it (although only if I knew about the filming when it was happening). Only because the very sad thing i find about the addiction is that he doesn’t seem to want me or be aroused by me only the porn. I think you should talk with her about why you did it and also recognise how she probably feels a bit abused by being filmed without her consent. 

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