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Trigger warning! Sexually assaulted by SLAH


Jo Joy
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Hi everyone I hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas & Newyear.

A quick back story I discovered my husband’s cheating 14th February 2014, later diagnosed Sex & Love Addict, he had loads of psychosexual therapy with a Paula Hall therapist for a couple of years and started 12 steps with SLAA and got to step 7 then seems stuck with all manner of excuses but has an amazing sponsor who is also a therapist. He was doing weekly face to face group meetings until lockdown and online meetings too but it all stopped as he didn’t seem to need it. It’s been 7 long years and we’ve come so far with complete disclosure and honesty blah blah blah. Life has been almost normal for us and very happy.

Then New Years Eve came and we traveled to out friends beach house without our kids to see the new year in with our friends. He had quite a lot to drink but I only had 3 small glasses of wine over 4 hours as I’m on anticoagulants. Around 10pm I ended up in the raised area of the garden alone looking at stars when I took a terrible fall after slipping on moss. I remember falling in slow motion trying to move my body somehow to protect myself but my head must have hit the edge of a step. The next thing I knew I was in intense pain on a bed being sexually assaulted by my husband. I can recall small bits of the assault but not everything I must have been semi-conscious. Then it was 5.30am and I woke up on the bed with a terrible headache, dried blood on the head wound and painful downstairs. I was still confused and unsure what had actually happened it was all a blur dream like state. He said they found me in bed at 11pm and thought I was drunk not realising I had a head injury and was unconscious. I must have managed to get myself there somehow.

As the week has gone by I’ve started getting little glimpses of memories, sounds and physical trauma flashbacks of that night. I’m numb emotionally now struggling to comprehend questions with how, why, what, when’s and if’s. My husband was acting very guilty and upset on our way home, he called his sponsor as he was in a state. Then came to me and said he was sorry he took advantage of me, it was wrong. He’s since said it was like an out of body experience and he felt like he was locked inside himself and it was someone else doing it to me but he couldn’t stop it. I had a flashback of his face and voice on Saturday and I recall looking at him and he was wearing the addiction ‘mask’ if you know what that is, and his voice was deeper, angry and hoarse during the assault. I do truly believe him and I am worried about his state of mind right now as he teetered on suicide 7 years ago. He keeps hugging me saying he feels so bad and unwell and needs some TLC.

I’ve always been his crutch in recovery and we’ve always been so open and supportive to each other but I’m really struggling with this because of the physical, emotional and personal abuse and pain the addict has inflicted on me. Every interaction makes me feel sick. I’m totally in fight or flight mode my head is saying why would I even consider fighting through this and run away fast as you can and my heart is saying the addict done this not my husband!  I don’t know if I can get past this it’s worse than anything we’ve been through and we’ve been through everything sex addiction can throw at you.

I’d really love someone to help me with anything that might get my head around this. I’m scared to talk to him about this and how it’s affected me incase it totally pushes him back over the edge.  Thanks for reading you can call me Jo x

Edited by John D
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Jo,

This sounds a truly horrific experience and one which you are trying to make sense of. You have been violated and the trust that your partnership had has been shattered. I wonder if seeking some professional support might help you.

The fact that he's looking to you for TLC indicates to me that he feels the victim here-  which is totally the wrong way round! This is psychological abuse. You cannot allow the fear of 'pushing him over the edge' prevent you from protecting yourself. He is ultimately responsible for his actions and his actions have consequences.

I'm not surprised you're scared, I would be!

Sending you a big virtual hug xx

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Thanks Chrissy for replying you’re the first person that’s responded to my plea for support on any site since it happened and I just want to say how much I appreciate it. I think it’s a topic that makes people so uncomfortable they can’t say anything but not for the sake of not wanting to.
 

it’s been 2 weeks now since it happened and I’ve barely slept this past week as the flashbacks have been coming thick and fast and the reality of the situation I’m in is hitting home. Trying to comprehend what happened just will not sit right in my head. I really analyse behaviours and look for all reasons why something happens especially if my husband has had a slip or I can see he’s being triggered. So my natural reflex is analyse the hell out of it. 
 

We are so well connected I can tell if he’s being triggered but Im the kind of person to stand back watch from a distance and step in before he slips and usually he always tells me if he’s triggering just before a slip would happen. Yes it’s hard him being so open and looking to me for help and support but I prefer it that way as he knows I’m there to support keeping him sober. So I’ve been trying to figure out what had triggered him so much before New Year. I actually think I’ve worked it out! On the 26th Dec my sister confided in us that her husband had been cheating on her with her best friend and he also confessed to being addicted to cocaine and prescription meds. I’d been helping her and her husband work through the whole addiction process and surviving the infidelity as that’s what she wanted to do. I’d been talking to my husband about the situation quite a lot and running everything by him, asking for suggestions to help with certain scenarios they were going through, so I could be the best support to them that I could be. My husband was asked to speak to my brother in law about coping strategies, support groups etc. but he didn’t. I didn’t even consider at the time that all of the situations we were discussing could trigger him towards a slip never mind a full blown relapse! I was talking to my sister constantly for 5 days and bringing my husband into the situation everyday with lots of details. I was so focused on trying to help her I forgot about the impact it would have on my husband. I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses for him believe me I’m definitely not, I’m just trying to work out why he would behave in such an appalling addiction fuelled manner and for me to become the victim. There’s always a trigger and this was a monumental list!

In a way I’m relieved I’ve worked out what triggered his addiction so massively.  I’m just devastated that both him and I didn’t recognise it happening at the time we really let our guards down. However the relief of knowing what caused it doesn’t make the situation any better for me. He still did it to me and hasn’t really shown any kind of sympathy or concern to me for what he did. All of the therapy and support he’s had throughout recovery hasn’t really taught him empathy and to be honest it seems narcissistic!
When I say he looked to me for tlc Its because he feels overwhelming shame and disgust whenever he has slipped that it makes him physically ill and clinically depressed and unworthy of life itself. Tlc for him has been spending time talking, cooking, watching tv, walking etc anything to connect us emotionally. I’m just absolutely shocked that he doesn’t seem to recognise what he done to me and the emotional impact it’s had on me. That’s the seriously worrying part for me, maybe he thinks I don’t have emotions or mine don’t matter, that leaves me wondering might he do it again if he doesn’t feel the real impact his actions have had. 
I am going to have to speak to him directly about it and see if he can give me anything to help me get through this because I can’t see myself getting over this without seeing something, anything  from him. I just feel so physically disgusting, used, abused, disrespected and dismissed by him right now. It’s making me feel like I’m gradually falling out of love with him with each day that goes by that he doesn’t show me any empathy and that’s so sad after everything we’ve built and gone through together over the last 27 years. 

Im sorry I’m going on and on you must be sick of reading by now lol sorry! Thanks again for writing to me. Thanks for the hug. I send one back xx

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Hi Jo,

I don’t  comment on the forum too often as I am in now a form of limbo relationship wise ,as I can have no  form of close relationship really with my husband (my story is on here). I just want to say how sorry I am for what you are going through. It sounds very traumatic. You are clearly a very  kind, strong and emotionally intelligent person with masses of empathy. You said that you thought your husband may be a narcissist. I now know this is what my husband is. It’s not something that anyone sets out to be, it can be due  to their upbringing. My husband, through therapy uncovered childhood abuse, emotional abuse and emotional neglect.
I read somewhere that narcissists tend to fall for people with high emotional intelligence and a kind nurturing nature. None of this do they know, or indeed do we know. It’s all very deep within ourselves and feels natural to us. It’s only when something happens to shake the foundation of the relationship, that we are forced to look at things and of course  hindsight makes things much clearer. 
It actually is emotional abuse and I have always said I would never tolerate any abuse or infidelity! 
I have now learned to put myself first, I always put him first in the past, and excused him for his lack of support. For him everything was always someone else’s fault, and to a degree it was. But he now knows he has to own his actions and feelings and think about how they impact on others, empathy does not come naturally but he can learn. 

I think out of every awful experience we can all grow and become stronger, and  I am sure you will do.  I do hope that you might talk to a therapist or at least look at a trauma course. I found a great free on line course, which helped me work through my trauma. Google bloomforwomen,  I personally got a lot out of both. My husband had lots of support, and I found myself left to try and unravel everything on my own, which was not good for me. It also wasn’t good for me to hear the outcome of his therapy without some professional support, as it showed that the man I loved wasn’t actually real! He had hidden so much of himself from me through fear, shame, learnt behaviour. I am sad for that. 
Take good care of yourself, you are amazing and will get through this! xxx

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Also Jo, has your husband sought professional help? He needs to do this urgently. What if his behaviour escalates? What he did to you was actually a crime. He must feel terrible and I understand that you would want to protect him, but he needs help. If only my husband had sought help he wouldn’t be in the mess he is now. This addiction is truly awful abs sadly most people do not understand it as it is not discussed as it is so personal. 
I hope you don’t think this is harsh, but I have personally suffered great hardship as the result of my husbands porn abs live addiction. xx

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I am only reading your story now, Jo and I'm very sorry that this happened to you. I agree with Tabs, he needs to seek professional help urgently. What he did was a crime indeed and I am also worried that it would escalate. This is the worst that a woman can ever experience. Please don't let him just slip away with it, because it might happen again.

I am sending you a huge-huge supporting virtual hug.

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Jo, 

I'd like to refer back to your post about your analysis of the situation and figuring out what you felt might have triggered his 'over'- reaction.

As Tabs has mentioned we are empathetic human beings, this is our core, this is what we do, nothing forced, nothing learned and it flows naturally out of us. This is who you are: perceptive, spontaneous, empathetic, genuine and big hearted. Helping an addict deal with their 'acting out' and helping someone, especially whom you love would be and is the most natural thing in the world. However reading through what you have written raises a few questions that I'd like you to ponder.

You mentioned...'stepping in before he slips'  …might you be trying to manage his behaviour?

Is his openness about being triggered actually helpful for you?  Do you think that it might make him more dependent on you...and perhaps you dependant/vigilant/watchful/wary on him?

I'd be a little cautious about attributing your husbands actions to you helping your sister, although you mention that you're not trying to make excuses for his behaviour. The fact that you think you've 'figured it out'- might be taking away from him the sole responsibility of him figuring it out, not that he would or maybe in an emotional intelligent place to so.

What you did Jo in helping your sister and her husband was noble, true, worthy and reflecting your core character, the fact that those pure actions had such a devastating effect on him just doesn't make sense. In fact it won't make sense, these are concepts so diametrically opposed to each other. Can't we be those things to others without fear of causing such a volatile and extreme reaction? Will that self knowledge of yours prevent you from helping your sister in the future...or anyone else?     At some stage we have realise how much of our partners behaviours affect the way we are and act.

This phrase troubles me, ' I’m just devastated that both him and I didn’t recognise it happening at the time we really let our guards down', Does this phrase demonstrate a 'shared ownership' of the problem I wonder?

Jo, it is so painful to be confronted by our partners lack of empathy or emotional support, but it is indicative of their predicament. They are such broken individuals, but however much we love them and so desperately want them to be whole and integral people, they need tailored and different support than what we can give. Set your boundaries Jo, be uncompromising with them. You and your family's security whether that be emotional or physical is more important that his state of mind. 

Big hug to you dear sister xx

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Hi and thanks for the replies. Beatrice he’s in contact with his sponsor who is a psychosexual therapist and is very good. He’s helping him with his addiction and what he done to me but I don’t get involved in it as it’s his recovery. He’s also doing online meetings again with SLAA. Thank you for the hug I appreciate it x

Chrissy thanks for your reply it’s very helpful to me to be reminded of who I am and keeping things real. When you ask about ‘stepping in before he slips', what I’m referring to is noticing his behaviour changes that can cause slips. For example if he becomes highly stressed with work it does trigger him so when I see the signs I encourage him to do stress relieving things like walking our dogs, cooking or spending fun time with our son. If I see him spending to much time online and he does the telltale rubbing of his head, I can see this is emotionally triggering him. He could just be reading what his colleagues/friends have been up to or even looking at cars, all of which can trigger him into feelings of worthlessness and envy. If he has to go to his estranged parents I know he can come back devastated by his parents emotional abuse. All these things I’m aware of and my encouragement and support helps support his sobriety. I wouldn’t say I’m managing his behaviour because usually when he’s feeling this way he will notice himself and do something positive about it. It’s rare that I need to guide him in self care unless it’s something he’s not experienced as a trigger before for example his boss left last year and my husband had looked at him like a father figure and him leaving was like a death. 

When you ask ‘Is his openness about being triggered actually helpful for you?’ I think yes it is helpful to me because he’s telling me as he’s asking for my help, support or guidance. The help that I provide can be blocking random websites for him, installing safety features he thinks will prevent triggers, or changing plans so he doesn’t have to attend certain situations he has difficulty with like my son used to attend clubs where the mothers would give him lots of attention and he didn’t feel comfortable so he asked if I could do the troublesome ones. I appreciate his trust, openness and his genuine ‘want’ to stay sober. He does similar things for me and doesn’t question me. I see it as a mutual respect. Do you think I’m wrong?

 

The reason why I think helping my sister may have triggered his response was because he was being forced to look at his passed acting out behaviour and remember how he felt as an addict at the time when he didn’t have any emotional capacity at all, what he learned and how he could use those experiences to support my brother in law with his addictions and infidelity. My husbands acting out was quite bad weekly one night stands, prostitutes, long term affairs with vulnerable women, swinging, dogging, threesomes with his friend and random women, online cam sex, hookup sites, heavy cocaine use, alcohol abuse, gambling and spending money I didn’t know about £47k debt was the most devastating part of disclosure. So asking him to remember those times, the lies and deceit, the highs and lows etc so he could empathise with our brother in law was a stupid thing to do. I should have realised it was too much for him with already being upset about the situation to start with. I haven’t told my husband that I think this has been the trigger I always allow him to work it out himself with his recovery team if a trigger has gone on to acting out. I just needed to find some reasoning why for my own peace of mind. 

It’s taught me that if I want to help others I need to consider my own self care first and be careful what I expose my family to. It won’t stop me helping others I’ll just be more cautious. 

When you ask about my phrase ‘I’m just devastated that both him and I didn’t recognise it happening at the time we really let our guards down’. I have come to accept that any addiction affects the full family dynamics as a whole just like any mental health illness. I believe if you love or even just care about someone you will always want to keep them safe and healthy and avoid putting them in unsafe situations.  Keep checking in that they are coping and help support them with their lives. I do the same for many people with mental illnesses it doesn’t mean I’m controlling them or taking ultimate responsibility for them. Sometimes I can’t offer the support and just hope they can stay well themselves. I think my care for others has always been a positive side of my personality. 

I can’t fix my husband he and I know he will ALWAYS be an addict he has the right professionals in place to help him with his addiction. All I can do is support his recovery whilst staying safe and true to myself. I have so many boundaries he’s never questioned and he knows exactly where he stands with regards to relapses. I just didn’t have a specific boundary that covered what he done to me exactly, but why on earth would I ever consider giving him a ‘no raping your wife boundary’. It’s disgusting and we both need to deal with it in the right way. I find it difficult finding none judgmental therapists for myself who understand sex addiction. In the Uk it’s not even an officially diagnosable illness in our healthcare system and we pay £90 per hour privately so therapy sessions have to be limited. Even 7 years out we are still learning and I’m still contemplating leaving him. How far can I be pushed may have been answered this time. Me and my children always come first. 

 

Thanks for reading love to you all xx

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