Flashbacks

[Active B]

I've read through most of the post on the forum and I'm so devesated for all the partners out there who have been blindsided (like me) on discovering what you have. I send my support out to you all.

Like most, I've been fed the drip drip disclosure. It's been ongoing since 20th September this year, when I uncovered my partner trying to meet up with his colleagues ex gf via FB chat. He admitted to masturbating with a woman who he picked up via a car sharing app. My gut was insistent on finding out more information and of course he was adamant that what he had told me was everything. My gut told me otherwise.

I asked him to go back to Italy and stay with his parents for a week so I could grasp my new reality. On the day he returned (the day before my son's birthday) I used the dumpster app and discovered hundreds of photos and videos of him performing sexually explicit things and literally hundreds of photos and videos of women. I was beyond shocked. I had to gather all my strength and pretend to be ok for my son's birthday the next day.

So that's when I went into detective mode. I uncovered; hundreds of pounds spent on dating apps, PayPal, secret swingers websites (where members pay through text), I saw his profile on the swingers website which explained all his sexual preferences. One that stuck out was the he was saying he was bi-curious. He admitted to talking sexually to transexuales and men too. He admitted to a porn addiction where he literally did not go beyond one day without masturbating since he was 17 (he's 33 now). He would even masturbate up to five times a day.

I thought that that was it all. As devestated as I was, we began to rebuild a relationship. I kept thinking, well thank God he didn't take it to a physical level bwuvase it would change everything. Our intimate relationship surprisingly improved. We were beginning to connect on other levels. This went on for around 6 weeks when I just couldn't sleep one night, my gut was telling me this isn't over. I went onto his Google account and looked at all the deleted apps and reinstalled them. I went through them one by one and came across and app called kickstarter. That's when my world fell apart. I uncovered homemade sex videos (unprotected) with him and another women, including photos that she took of him performing oral sex on her. My world imploded. I absolutely lost it and chucked him out. He then was driving to Dover when he stopped the car and admitted to having sex with 5 women. Due to my complicated situation (having just moved away from scotland with my son to live with this man) I realised I couldn't do this alone. I was trapped where I am now. No car, no friends nor family nearby. So he came back and slept in the car. My mum came to help as by this point I had endured so much mental torture I couldn't function day to day. I slept most days, I couldn't control my emotions. I became and still am like a ghost. By this point he went back to Italy again for another week and my mum moved in.

But....then I uncovered more and more. He then finally rested one night that he's had sex with 6, then 9 women since the beginning of our relationship, some he's gone back to some multiple times. He also began talking to the women who he met on a shared car driver app. He admitted that they did have sex in his car back in 2017 and they were arranging to meet up again from this april. He admitted they were video calling, talking and even friends on FB. I found out who she was and tried to confront her. I got nothing.

Since then it's been absolute hell. I've lost nearly 10kg in weight and I barely sleep.

Worst of all it's the invasive flashbacks I get at any point of day or night. I'm a fitness coach by trade so I'm really aware of how much this betrayal trauma has affected my mind body and soul. I try to pull it together and coach up to five classes a day, with up to 25 faces staring at me. Even during class I get flashbacks of the sex videos and I'm finding it hard to cope.

Both my partner and I receive our own therapy and we are now into couples therapy. Despite therapy, I'm still struggling with the flashbacks, betrayal, deciet, lies. All of it. It's so exstensive with so much information I'm finding it hard to process it all. He has written a "full" disclosure. When he wrote it, it wound me up so much as he has told me everything in the disclosure with no further details I knew he had missed out. Classic minimilising.

So now... I'm trying to rebuild my life after months and months of what it feels like re-living d-day.

My main concern (for right now) are my flashbacks.

How do you cope with flashbacks? I've googled how to cope, talked to my therapist yet nothing is working. My main is trigger is him. Every time I see him I go back what I've seen in the videos. Thanks

[Lilo]

Hi Active B

My heart really goes out to you and I know exactly what you’re talking about. I go through it daily, and it’s tortuous. I’ve gone for therapy, I’m trying, but it’s hard. So hard. 

Right now when I get flashbacks, I practice ‘the pause’. I pause in that moment and take deep breaths and let the image run through. Then I tell myself it’s over and he’s trying hard to work on recovery now. I tell myself that it was this disease, this soul-killing illness that has made him the way he is and acknowledge the powerlessness. Then I also silently appreciate him for putting in the hard work into recovery and tell myself that my flashback and any incoming outburst shouldn’t interfere with his recovery as it could upset the balance very badly and once his brain trips as well, the disease can quickly take over for a quick fix to make them feel better. It’s like a cycle. I do however, tell him I’ve had a flashback and ask him whether it would be okay for him to give me some reassurance and calm me down. Sometimes it’s okay and I manage to calm down, but sometimes both of us get triggered and the whole house comes tumbling down.

it’s hard love. 
Keep breathing, and remember it’s not your fault, you are BEAUTIFUL, there is nothing wrong with you.

 

love,

Lilo 

 

[Kaykay]

I'm so so so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. I'm a life coach. It's hard not to feel like a fraud when you're helping people move forward when your own life is falling apart....through no fault of your own. 

 

The flashbacks can take time. I don't get them as much. But then I'll have days where they're full on. 

What you've seen is horrific, do it's not a shock you're struggling with these images. I'm looking I to EMDR. It's meant to be brilliant. Maybe try that. 

 

Once again, big love. Sending so much support ❤️

[Active B]

Hey Lilo, 

 

It's taken a lot of energy for me to to come back to the forum. You do deserve  that i give you a reply! Thank you for your message. I haven't tried the pause before. I instantly try to fight the images or videos clips in my head and try to stop them from continuing rather than letting it go through my head. It's been five months to this day and I'm still getting the flashbacks. It's horrible

I hope you are well and staying strong xx 

[Active B]

Hey KayKay, 

 

I find relief that you understand the hypocrisy I feel being in the health and wellness industry. You're the second person that's mentioned EDMR so I will bring it up with my therapist. 

 

Sending healing warmth to you too xx 

[Kaykay]

Hey active B hope that things have moved forward for you x