New forum user and very angry

[Yet again]

Hi everyone, I've been reading through the posts of partners and some really hit home. I'm sorry you are all going through this, some repeatedly. I'm sorry if this post is lengthy.

My partner of 26 years has been at it again. It is a porn dependence. I never knew he looked at porn all through these years. He painted himself completely different. However first time I caught him as he showed me something on his laptop *laptop I bought him* (he didn't know how to delete history) and he was looking at porn, woman on there same age as my daughter, disgusted, I went mad said no more, was hurt he promised never again. Next time it was babestation,I was in bed he thought I was asleep, my TV upstairs is linked to downstairs, I went downstairs and again, went mad, was shaking with anger, he said he wasn't watching it but flicking through the channels lol, I'm not an idiot. I warned him that if this happened again we are done. Fast forward to around 5 month ago. My grandson (age 10) uses my partner's laptop for school work. He wanted to show my daughter (his mum) a car he wanted for me (bless him) , he's very innocent. Luckily my daughter went into my partner's history on yet again another laptop I bought him and found a lot of history of porn (more disgusting for me it was when I was picking grandson up) must have waited for me to go out, makes me sick. My daughter was upset, we were both upset that my grandson could have come across it, if that were case my partner would have been out that day. However I approached partner, he said he didn't know why he went on it (I said I was going to download log so I knew how much he was using) he looked like rabbit caught in headlights. I looked up the instance my daughter came across and it was 2 hours of porn! 2 hours! This is not a 1 off. I noticed when he started changing which is obviously when it escalated, it was when I bought him a laptop, and when tli bought him another laptop, talk about biting the hand that feeds ya. So disrespectful. He has treated me indifferently for years, no kisses, cuddles, sex where he couldn't get erection, he just looked blank. I was always the one in 26 years to approach him and give cuddles kissed etc and now I've stopped. I don't want him touching me. I feel unattractive, old, I thought he wasn't like that but he's the same as the men I said I wouldn't have relationship with. I'm destroyed, heart is destroyed. I've wasted 26 years with him. He's lied again and again about it. I know I have PTSD from it and massive trauma. I've put porn block on internet, because there's no porn in this house anymore. Funnily he's barely picked up the laptop since because he knows he can't access it rather than resisting. I think he doesn't see any harm in it (i explained sex trafficking, abuse, addiction of the actors but he didn't seem to take that in and still watched) he said he wouldn't watch anymore because it hurt me, then why not stop other times, and also no I don't want him to stop because of me but because HE wants to for himself. He did minimal around the house for 20 years, just went work smoked and drank, no help. I cleaned , cooked, did all DIY, only thing he did was cut lawn, had no motivation or passion. I know why now. I call it lazy sex, he never has approached me I've majority of the time been instigator for anything sexual or intimate. I'm worn out, destroyed, I darent watch anything with an attractive woman in it,  a naked one! It's limiting my life's enjoyment his addiction. I'm so angry. I'm no prude, I'm not I attractive. I don't understand his constant fibbing and that he doesn't really see a problem with it only that again he got caught. The betrayal, the lieing, after the promises not to. I deserve better. I do pity him because he could have had something good, I really looked after him even though he treated me indifferently. Now he risks losing this family over it. He seems to have no remorse, he doesn't talk about it, my emotions are everywhere. He thinks it'll just go away if he is 'nice' but he's only got so much patience and he slips out of the nice role pretty soon. He wants it bk to normal with minimal upset and that's not happening. Sweep under carpet. He thinks it's normal to watch porn. I have said we are done, I said when an inheritance has come through he can go ( he wants think himself lucky he isn't on street already but has minimal money). I've never asked him for much, carried out majority of jobs to keep this house going whilst he goes work, comes home, drinks away from me in kitchen. He hasn't sat with me for years. Everything is so cold and tbh always had been after I stopped the kisses, cuddles etc. I was fed up with it, getting nothing back. As soon as I stop it all stops. Anyway I could go on and on, I'm absolutely distraught, I can't afford counselling I know I need it. I know I have betrayal trauma and PTSD over this. It's all I think about and I look at him and feel disgust, I still love him but he's knocked out any compassion or real love I have for him. I don't think I could ever have sex with him again. He doesn't seem to care! What's happening? !! 

[Tabs]

I’m so sorry Yet Again that you are going through this painful ordeal. 
I’m now 22 months down the line from a very traumatic ‘reveal’. I knew nothing at all, but now, with hindsight, I can see the withdrawal from me, the lack of intimacy, the avoidance of eye contact, the lack of meaningful communication, the lack of enthusiasm for day to day activities. 
I have crawled my way back from the depths of despair, through learning about this awful addiction, and the realisation that it has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. We cannot be held responsible for our partners behaviours and actions, but once we know, we can support them, if we choose to. And that is key, it’s our choice, and no one else can say what the right thing is for us to do.

We could be the most attractive woman in the world, but we cannot compete with porn. Sadly the world generally is blind to the fact that porn is so destructive. It reframes what sex is, in an entirely unhealthy way. 
 

Try hard to focus on yourself and your needs first, he needs to address his own behaviour, because he wants to change his life, not because you want him to. It’s very hard. You are not alone, there are many of us. I hear of more and more, People do not generally talk openly about this. It is so taboo. Which is sad, as without acknowledging it, more will fall victim. 
 

take care xx

[Feeling fragile]

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I would suggest trying to get as much info as you can about sex and porn addiction to help with processing things. If you can’t afford sessions there are some great books. Let me know if you need recommendations. You will see from my other posts my story. I know that porn addiction is a behaviour and not about you. I hope your husband can come to the realisation Ito get help with this…. My husband also used to be in denial it was a problem, but he is now there..