Positive stories for a wife who's husband is addicted to porn

[KR1212]

Hi! I've posted a lot on mumsnet recently about my husband's addiction to porn but you either get comments like porn is totally fine or just leave him! There's not much in between.
I'm interested to hear from anyone who's been through porn addiction either in person or as the partner. Has it got better? What worked? Did you come out the other side?
My husband has a history of depression and anxiety, and suffers a lot with an array of anxiety symptoms. He's also been dependent on porn and masturbation without porn for a long time to give him that quick release of dopamine. Sometimes it's sex drive but often it's his low mood. And it's habitual. I only found out about his use of porn about 18 months ago. He gets intrusive thoughts to watch it which he battles with and has told me that he's opened his laptop and closed it many times as he tries to resist. Sometimes he wins, sometimes he doesn't.

I've been really hurt and felt very angry about it all but we both want to get through this. My husband is a kind, sweet person. An amazing dad. And despite all the shit stuff, we're a team, best friends and love each other. I don't believe he's a bad person but he's let this get out of control and has got into a cycle of shame and lying.
BUT he needs to rebuild the trust between us and get a grip of this addiction for the sake of our relationship and family. He's started seeing a new addiction counsellor who seems quite good.
If anyone can offer any positive support, advice or recommendations, that would be great?

[Tabs]

Hi KR1212, I believe you have come to a kinder place than mumsnet. Porn addiction, from my experience, isn’t really acknowledged and understood by anyone who has not been impacted by it, or those that have studied it. It is real, it is relationship destroying and sadly, as I have experienced it is life destroying. The good thing is your husband recognises he needs help and has sought it. That’s takes courage. 
For us partners we are suddenly thrown into an alien world, where we feel are we no longer able to trust our judgment. My husband, like yours was the kindest gentlest man. Unbeknown to me he was suffering mentally and porn, including on line chat, and actual hookups, was  his medication. From being very broad minded on the subject of porn, and social media, with the knowledge I have gathered, I now believe it to be toxic. Many lives are being destroyed, and will continue to be, with those affected getting younger and younger. Until society wakes up to this, it will continue, and get even worse. 
It might help you to read Paula Halls book for partners, and there are other books covering porn addiction which I have found useful, The porn trap, the porn myth….it’s very real.

Do you have anyone that you can trust to talk to? It’s a heavy burden to carry alone. It is a tough and emotive subject, and as you found on mumsnet, the ‘public’ tends not to want to understand or look deeper.

Remember, this is NOT about you!! It took me some time to realise this, but it helps enormously to know this. You could have done nothing to stop this behaviour. It is about him. 
 

look after yourself, put yourself first, and practice self care….hugs to you! 

xx

[Ann Hedonia]

I would endorse everything that Tabs said, and I would add that it is so important to take care of yourself, like really really take care of yourself!  One year on, I am only now realising how much time and effort I have put into holding my partner up as he is dealing with his addiction.  I still intend to support him, but this year, I am taking care of myself better and asking more of him.  You will find a lot of understanding and support on this website.  Sending you big hugs, Ann x

[Feeling fragile]

Hi KR1212,

I’m so sorry that you find yourself here under these sad circumstances. Your post could have been written by me. My husband is loving funny sweet affectionate a great dad and my best friend. But has struggled with P and SA for years and recently actual meet ups to deal with anxiety. I’ve forgiven him before and have chosen to forgive him now. He’s getting help but I want to make sure this time that I don’t get left out too so appreciate this community. I want to reassure you that this isn’t about you, it’s about his demons….

[Whyyy]

I’ve been married for two years, together five. From the outside looking in we have the PERFECT marriage. But just like every couple we have our issues, thru the past 5 years I’ve caught my husband talking sexually and not sexually to a few women, when confronted he Denys it till he’s blue in the face then finally confesses. I’ve chosen to forgive him every time I love him I love our family. This last time he snitch his self out and with that confessed he has a porn addiction.

My emotions have been all over the place from wanting nothing to do with him, to wanting to help him, fight for our marriage. This addiction started before me, all the years together I NEVER even had a clue! And after talking to him, all of it makes sense all his bathroom time staying up later than the family his long showers his sneaky ways it all clicked. He is getting help has an app on his phone that blocks him from sites and notifies me when he tries.

I just am LOST in my thoughts and emotions thru all this I’ve realized I’ve lost my self. Any words of encouragement or advice would be appreciated 💕

[Hurting so bad]

Hi, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. 
I have been with my husband for 2 and a half years and married just over 1. I knew he had an alcohol addiction, which he’s now getting help for but have just found out he’s a porn addict too. He’s been looking at over 70 sites daily on the weekend we didn’t have my son here and it’s ripped me apart. I don’t know how I could ever trust him again. 
I caught him out a few months back, when I plucked up the courage to wear a little black dress on date night and he just looked at me and carried on drinking and the next morning I walked into the bathroom to find him looking at porn. He told me after that he wouldn’t do it anymore, but I knew in my gut he was! 
mite destroyed me, I have no self confidence from my previous marriage and he knows that. I can’t compete with what he’s looked at and I’ve looked at a few things he’s looked at but it tortures me and rips me to the core! 
I’m speaking to his mental health practitioner for me on Friday so hopefully she can help me. 
he said it’s just videos and pictures he’s been looking at and been doing it for 37 years. He now says he’s stopped. We’ve put parental control on his phone so I get notified if he looks up adult content, but I still don’t trust him. He keeps telling me he’s never looked at another woman but it doesn’t make sense as he clearly has but he says that’s different and it’s not real? 
I kicked him out when I found out but took him back the next day as i want to help him, but it’s destroyed me totally and I don’t know how I can ever get past this. 

[Mumof2UK]

Hi, i can see its been a while since anyone posted but i found this thread and its nice to know im not alone. Hope to find some support on here or online.

I realised my husband has a porn addiction just recently but had suspected it for a while, which also includes his logging into chat rooms at any time of the day to ask women about masturbation. His porn viewing is everyday and includes his compulsive searching for literally anything to do with female masturbation. This addiction has been going on for the whole of our 10 year marriage and we have 2 children together. I recently confronted him with evidence i had found of a cyber affair he had been having for over 2 years, which included sexting and facetime sex plus he sent her a vibrator in the post (i actually ended up speaking to her after making contact). The affair ended however i have discovered that he is continuing to try to keep in touch with females from the chat room on skype etc. Im past the heartbreak of it but i realise things wont change as he doesn’t think he needs any help. I havent told him i know hes still doing it. 

I stay with him as it would be disastrous for our kids if we separated and its a complex situation with finances too. He is a family man and is a good dad and husband most of the time, but when i’ve recently brought up about my concerns that he is detached or not showing me as much affection he isnt always validating and goes on the defensive etc so ive given up. I realise he does have demons, has low self esteem/depression and a whole troubled past of trauma in his childhood that ive been aware of since forever. However hes always managed to hide this double life from me up until now. I had to find out what i was dealing with so i snooped. He doesnt meet with anyone (he pretends to be much younger online anyway) so i do believe this is literally just online. However it has impacted areas of his life and i feel at a loss. 

Thanks for reading.

[Jmpc68]

Hi @Mumof2UKso sorry you have found yourself here. It must be difficult that your husband can’t admit to his addiction, but until he does that leaves you stuck between a rock and a hard place. For your own mental health I don’t recommend that you pretend this isn’t happening.  You don’t need to be confrontational in your approach to him but I believe the only way forward in any marriage is honesty and open communication. You have the right to feel comfortable in your relationship and it is your right to expect your partner to be trustworthy.  Boundaries are a must eg he should acknowledge he needs help in stopping, the old it isn’t hurting anyone is BS as you are hurting. You are entitled to lay down some rules like therapy, SAA meetings. If he isn’t in agreement then only you can set the consequences for him not getting himself sober and being the life partner you deserve. Please feel free to reach out if you need any help but in the meantime have a look at the rob weiss podcasts and the Wetonglen website.