How long will it take?

[Kaykay]

I don't even know where to start. Please read over my other posts if you want to get the back story. 

How long will getting over this take. Will I ever get over it. Should I just separate from my husband. 6 months? A year? Will I ever be comfortable or settled? I don't see it. I don't think I will. 

Lies and lies and lies and lies. Cheating. I'm broken. I don't think I can get over it. The latest discovery was on 10th April. The worst yet. The one where I've hound he's cheated in the past. 

We had only been married 6 months and had a 4 month old baby. I hsve two other children, his step children. 

I initially made him leave, but made him come back as I wasn't coping. But I feel like I want to separate. How can I accept being treated so poorly. I don't think I can. I don't know if I want to separate for forever but I think I want to now. 

I can't even make sense of my feelings. I've been treated badly in my life but never as badly as this. And never been loved this much either. 

I don't think he deserves me. 

He's doing anything and everything to get better. Literally everything. But it took me finding this out for him to do so. It wasn't of his own accord. Or the years of my heartache. My pleading. My begging. My tears. 

That doesn't feel like love to me. 

[Ann Hedonia]

It isn’t love, you’re right. There may be love in there, but it sounds as though it is smothered by this cruel insanity where fantasy obliterates love, good sense, responsibility and morality. 
Unless and until he accepts that he needs help, he will remain lost in the madness of the addiction. You can’t make him do this. All you can do is get yourself well. Draw on your own good sense, responsibility, morality. - and love; love for yourself and your children. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him, but taking care of yourself and your children is your recovery. This is as important as his, and as necessary. 
I say this as someone who is awake at 4am on the anniversary of the day I discovered my partner’s deceptions and depravity. I’ve spent the last year holding him up in his recovery. I’m going to spend the next doing the same for myself.  I wish you true love as you make this sad journey too. Ann x

[Chrissy]

Kay Kay, 

Reading your message I was struck by two phrases, 'I can't make sense of my feelings' and 'I don't think he deserves me'.  From where I'm sitting there is no sense that you say he doesn't deserve you...   Your feelings are in a melting pot of such opposite and contrary emotions at the moment so it's wise not to act on impulse.

How can one be treated so well and yet so badly. That does not make sense. Love treats people well in all situations never does it treat people badly. 

Anna has given good advice insomuch as to look after yourself and your children, those are your responsibilities. His recovery or not is entirely his.

Big hug x

[Kaykay]

Thank you @Ann Hedonia

Thank you @Chrissy

That's the thing. He's doing absolutely everything he should be doing. We've not had one disagreement since the discovery where he's not said/done/responded 'correctly' 

I've been supporting him for 4 years and this is the first time I'm not. 

So why am I still struggling so much. He's doing everything. But part of me feels like it's too little too late. 

Im still in the whirlwind so I can't even think or behave properly yet. I can't make sense of anything to even begin to look after myself or know how I'm gonna do that or what it looks like. It's been nearly 8 weeks since this last discovery. 

I have the partner course coming up. I think I'll then do one to one sessions. 

Aside from that I don't know what to do. 

 

My gut churns and my heart aches 

[Tabs]

Hi Kaykay, I feel for you. This is such a difficult situation,  you’ve given your all to someone and they have betrayed you. 
Have you tried therapy? It sounds as though you would welcome help in unpicking your thoughts and feelings. I find talking to my therapist incredibly helpful. She helps me pinpoint exactly what it is I feel unhappy about and then helps me to explore what I can do about it. I feel like I have control over my life and my decisions now. I talk to her less frequently now, but know that she is there should I need her. That gives me strength to face the future. xx

[Chrissy]

Kay Kay, how are you doing?

For me it was the continuous betrayal of trust....and yet I gave him another chance.

This betrayal slowly ate away at my trust and my ability to believe in him and believe that he could recover. I trusted in his word on countless occasions and felt I ought to give him yet another chance to change.  Eventually his chances to prove that he was taking the relationship seriously ran out. He knew this. I discovered in a work book by Patrick Carnes that his continual non compliance would lead to the relationship breaking. 

As Tabs has said seeking out a trained therapist who could help with the unravelling and help to give you back some control over your thoughts sounds like a good idea

Big hug xx

[Feeling fragile]

Just reading this post as I am struggling with further cheating and relapse after initially forgiving in 2017 and again in 2018. I found out he has been relapsing with porn for the past 3 years and now cheated on me with a sex worker in April. Finding things hard. I hope you ladies are doing ok….

[Ann Hedonia]

Hi Kay Kay, it sounds like you are feeling the pain of one of the biggest casualties of this whole mess, at least in my experience, and that is the obliteration of one's confidence in one's own judgement.  I too have stood by my partner, but I doubt myself most days, particularly when I talk to my friends, none of whom have sex-addict husbands/partners, and see the look of pity in their eyes.  

I am a competent professional woman who has raised three children as a single mum overseas, has multiple post-graduate degrees and who has single-handedly bought a small but nice house and a good car, after being homeless with two toddlers back in the 80's as a teen mum.  People come to me for friendship, good sense and support and value my opinion.  So how come I doubt my own judgement?  

I am just over a year post-discovery.  I spent the last year figuring out how far to trust him.  This year, my focus is going to be learning how to trust myself.  Thank you to you Kay Kay, Feeling Fragile, Chrissy, and all the women on here who share your experiences.  The recognition I read in your entries reminds me that I am not insane and that I am not alone.  Ann x

Edited July 11, 2021 by Ann Hedonia

[MindfulColly]

Thats a good question and one that I would love to know myself. 

I'm just over 18 months post discovery and I no longer trust my own instincts, thoughts feelings or reactions. I actually just found this forum this evening,  despite my partner being 1 year sober next week and actively working the SAA 12 step programme (he has a sponsor and sponsors someone himself). I just don't feel I'll ever be able to trust him again nor can I trust myself. I want to believe it will take time and I will learn to trust him, but when? We have just went through a failed round of IVF which failed one week ago today and this afternoon, Ive just had this overwhelming feeling of panic and thought that I need to leave him. I just feel like I have PTSD. I have no energy, no motivation, no confidence and yet if I leave him, where would I go? Who would I be? I would never trust anybody again and would end up alone. I love my partner so much he is a good person and I've learned to separate his goodness from his addiction - but is it enough? I think this overwhelming feeling to leave him to felt like it came out of nowhere, when obviously it didn't, I think its came from a thought of - even though he's seemingly sober and working his programme, how long until the relapse? And am I willing to be triggered by stupid things and intrusive thoughts for the rest of my life? It feels as though every time I'm feeling  OK, its only a matter of days/ weeks until I'm back in a dark place again. Weirdly I haven't discovered anything new this week, but I feel like I'm back in the day where I first discovered this hell. 

[Kaykay]

Hi everyone. 

I had to stay off the forum for a while while I took in what was happening.

So many similar experiences. It breaks my heart. 

We are now 3 months post discovery. I'm in a better place.. I think. Actually I still very much up and down. 

Im at the stage where I just can't be bothered. It seems like he's doing not much at all really. He was doing all the right things initially, but it's tailed off. I think either he's not coping or there's still more crap to come out. He did the partners course, made some attempts at 12 steps, but hasn't kept it up. 

I'm still none the wiser as to what is going on for him, how this addiction looks for him. What am I potentially signing up for. He finished the partners course 4 weeks ago. 

I asked him to do hypnotherapy so he can uncover some of what he forgot. Now I feel like telling him not to bother. I think I'm done waiting for answers and understanding and some kind of explanation. 

He's away 3 nights a week at his sisters. I don't think he's using that time effectively. Oh, we did get an accountability app about 2 weeks ago.

Ive been doing this dance with him for four years. When do I stop? 

I feel like he's not communicating cos he's still hiding stuff. And I feel like I can't be bothered with it all. 

He refused to tell me how often porn is popping in his head. Just when he wants to act out. 

When do I say enough? X

[Ann Hedonia]

Hi KayKay, I ask myself these same questions every day.  I keep saying I will draw the line at such and such date, but then I see him getting back on the wagon and working the programme.  A big lapse would be straightforward to deal with; the end. But the incomplete or evasive answers, the refusal to share his experience of recovery, his clamming up when I want to talk about the impact on me, all of these things chip away at my confidence in my own judgement and make me feel a fool. 
I've set myself the promise of looking after myself better this year, because I’ve spent the last year holding him up. I might end up looking after myself so well that the need for a partner -an addict partner-becomes redundant. 
Look after yourselves ladies, and know that here is a community where we will look after each other. Ann x 

[Feeling fragile]

Hi ladies,

thank you all for sharing your experiences. We are all going through trauma and pain, it’s good to have this forum to share.

have you asked your partner if you can be their accountability partner ? This seems to be working well for my husband and I. I told him I he had no choice. I am his accountability partner. Secondly, he has agreed to no devices at all and if he is away from me then he has to record himself all the time. I know not practical for some but wondering whether you and partners are practising any rules you have between you ?

xx

[Chrissy]

Hi ladies,

Reading through these posts I'm stuck by the similarities and the common thread to them all. That is something that we can hold on to .....that we are NOT alone in this journey of trauma/healing.  The problem is that it takes so much time and not all of us can wait or should wait. What is right for one cannot be applied to another's circumstances.

For instance that you , Feeling Fragile can be an accountability partner to your husband is not necessarily beneficial for someone else.  In my circumstances I was so deceived by the lying and half truths that I wanted some other blokes who knew him to basically tell him to 'man up' and get a grip on his life.  However he only told them what was happening days/weeks later....and the problem seemed to be that certainly one of them was so taken in by my husbands stories that he believed I was the problem! My husband's problem was that he wasn't just using devices he was the device and acting out in public. I couldn't 'babysit' him all the time I was already in a downward spiral of psychological abuse and pain. 

I absolutely didn't want to leave my husband as I didn't believe that it was an option. Eventually there was no choice as he made very little effort to engage in recovery. 

It was so painful both the act of divorce and the process of grieving for a life that you knew.  I now have my life back...it's been a hard process of re-building and new build but I'm a stronger an more  resilient person as a result.

[Kaykay]

@ChrissyI'm so glad you've been able to start rebuilding your life. That seems so far away from me. I feel like I'm stewing in his self loathing, insecurities, lack of self worth. Being collateral damage in someone's war with themselves is so devestating. 

I move forwards, backwards, left, right. But mostly in a big messy squiggle. Not really get anywhere. My life wasn't what I thought it was. And it may never be the same again. The loss is paralysing. It makes me not want to continue or even try and move past this. It makes me want to curl up and protect myself, for forever. 

 

[Foreverhealing]

You sound so much like me and at the moment I am in no place to give you advice apart from yes, you do need to look after yourself. Nobody but them can help themselves ….they need to realise and acknowledge their responsibility and not ‘blame’ it on the addiction. You need to do what is right for you and be happy with your decision no matter how much you love them, whether that is staying with some strict ground rules or cutting your losses and going. I am in a quandary at the moment as at my stage in life I am wondering if I am better off alone because the thought of spending the time I have left on this Earth (I am 50) with someone who doesn’t put me first in the same way I do them isn’t a great thought 

[Chrissy]

Hi Foreverhealing,

I'm 58.

I started the process of 'leaving' I think a very long time ago. The leaving was in my head. Those little instances that made me feel less than worthy, the times when I went to a counsellor because I was told I was the problem, when I felt that my health came after my husbands sexual desires, when I had to 'score' our love making...the undermining of my trust that I tried to give time and time again. 

For all of us it's one step at a time and support from those who can identify with us

Take care xx