Is it normal for an addict in recovery to request for time out from his partner?

[Lilo]

Hi.

I just discovered my fiancé of 2 1/2yrs is a sex addict. He was in a relationship two timing me and another girl(with her for over a year) as well as chatting up girls online and having anonymous online chats and sex with them.

I went apeshit crazy when I found out. At first it was a case of a cheater but he told me he has a problem and checked into an addiction centre which confirmed he is an SA and he started going to SLAA meetings and seeing a therapist and is on his 30-day abstinence 12 step programme now.

But because things got so bad and out of hand between us cos of the betrayal trauma and my already existing PTSD went into CPTSD and my health failed and I got hospitalized for 7 days and had to have a scope done and psychiatrists come see me etc, it took a huge toll on him, and on us of course.

He contacted his therapist, and arranged for a joint session, where he said he can’t handle the pressure of watching what I’m going through, and to give him the 30-day time out for him to focus on his recovery and for me to focus on my recovery as well, so that we won’t trigger each other and be in an unsafe place.

I’ve begun my own ‘recovery’ but I am finding it very perplexing and terrifying to have this ‘30-day break’, because 1) it’s all quiet and silent now and there is no accountability 2) we are not married and don’t live together so I won’t have any idea what he’s doing 3) how the hell am I supposed to cope with my PTSD/betrayal trauma during this limbo period? Is it fair to me?

He told them that he really needs this time out, that he does love me, and that he wants to be a better person when he comes back etc.

It’s been about 10 days since this began, and he’s been hot and cold since. Some days he’s okay, he’s nice. But most days the responses are rigid, irritable, and he says he’s going through a hard time.

Also might I add he added to slipping once(before the sobriety programme started), and this was after the cheating was discovered and after me and him had had sex a few times-in an emotional state and of course, as I’ve just discovered-with my co-dependent side acting up out of fear.

Basically I’m suffering.

And I want to know if it’s okay that he’s saying he needs this time out for both our safety.

I spoke to a sex addiction therapist and he says well if he’s really committed to recovering it may make sense, as you won’t ask an alcoholic to keep hanging around a bar whilst he’s trying to stay sober would we? (The bar here being ME).

What do I do? How do I react to this? Is it fair? Should I just give him the benefit of the doubt and calm the fuck down? 

[Ann Hedonia]

In my experience, addicts can't deal with real emotions, which is why they hide away in the fantasy of porn and meaningless relationships.  I know you want him to help you, be accountable etc, I wanted the same, I still do, but it has been 11 months since I discovered all the awful things my partner was doing, and while I can see that he is working on his recovery, it is only now that I have been able to ask  him to work on our relationship.  We have started couples therapy and, to tell you the truth, I am still highly doubtful that he is able to think of anyone other than himself.  Your partner won't know which end is up at the moment, but well done him for taking himself off to treatment.  If these 30 days give you a chance of beginning a healthy honest relationship, then it is worth it.  It also gives you a chance to look after yourself without the distraction of his crumbling in front of you.  

He can't make your PTSD go away, only you can do that, preferably with professional support.  Being in the same house as him won't necessarily stop him acting out over the next 30 days, or any day after that.  His recovery is his work, and yours is yours.  Taking care of yourselves is absolutely necessary before you can take care of each other.  Now, almost a year on, I'm not sure how far my partner can recover.  I'm not sure that we will be able to have an ongoing relationship, but I do know that I can and will look after myself.  Be kind to yourself, Ann x

[Lilo]

Ann, your response got me tearing up. Thank you so much for replying. I really need support like this from anyone out here. It feels so dark and lonely where I am. Yes I understand my recovery is my own and I have to recover. I pray that I get through this. 

[Firefly]

Hi Lilo, Thank you for sharing your pain on the forum. You may have already found the blog pages but I highlight the following which complements all that Ann has said above.

The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Self-care (thelaurelcentre.co.uk)

In respect to your final paragraphs "I spoke to a sex addiction therapist and he says well if he’s really committed to recovering it may make sense, as you won’t ask an alcoholic to keep hanging around a bar whilst he’s trying to stay sober would we? (The bar here being ME).

What do I do? How do I react to this? Is it fair? Should I just give him the benefit of the doubt and calm the fuck down? "

I want to echo that you didn’t cause the sex addiction (You are not the BAR!), you can’t control the sex addiction and you can’t cure the sex addiction.  Only your addicted partner can stop their sex addiction or porn addiction.  This is not your fault. It certainly is not fair! But the important message is as Ann say's "Be Kind To Yourself"

I hope the blog helps and you will be in my prayers.

[Lilo]

Thank you so much Firefly.  I am really glad to hear the words ‘It’s not fair’. I have been trying a lot of self care just to keep afloat, keep alive. 

I’m about 6 weeks post discovery and I’m still in a state of shock. I think I don’t know...it seems to get worse. I really do need the support.  I discovered more lies in the first few weeks and I’m sure there is much more. Everyday I’m thinking of the things he may continue to be doing, and doubting his ‘recovery’ resolve, in all honesty. He seems to be very stiff and non communicative as of now. In the first 2 weeks after discovery, he was following me around everywhere, begging me not to leave. Then after we had sex one day, he seemed to have done an about turn and has been distant since. He says he wants to work on himself and to give him the space because actually in all honesty, I did become crazy. I mean I just went ballistic you know. I felt like everything was a lie. Was anything wrong ever shared real? Anything at all? I feel like I’m in some mirage, like I’m a ghost. 

I love him so much still, despite the rage and anger, and that I’ve discovered is probably my codependent side. I’m in shock too. And coupled with the betrayal trauma and my PTSD, I’m a huge mess. 

A thank you to Nort who reached out via the inbox and has been giving me so much comfort. I decided to post up further details of what I’m going through so that anyone out here reading can relate, gain comfort, give comfort...

Thank you to Paula for creating this forum. Really. 

 

[Lilo]

 

I tried to self-harm. I started smoking. I started drinking. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t focus on work...it’s like my mind is a complete blank. 
I do try to get out of bed too. It’s a huge victory to just get out of bed and get into a shower and actually be a human being. It’s feels like I’m just a corpse. A dead soul looking in on a body that needs to operate but doesn’t even want to...

I lashed out badly at him. I was quite cognizant of how bad I was and how he must have gone a bit mad . I mean I’m mad-he should be too! 

I found out cos we share a synced calendar and the girl he was cheating on me with had a hotel booked for them to stay in for 3 days and sent him the invite which he accepted. He had forgotten we share a synced calendar!!! I’m still so angry when I think about it! I just can’t fathom how he could do this to me!

He had been chatting up with other girls and having sex chats with them as well. I have no idea how far it went. For all I know, he may have been sleeping with several people-it’s only that I found out about one person. Highly highly possible!

Gosh, I hope my shaking and the insomnia etc stops and I stabilise real soon.

What is upsetting me more is that he’s being aloof and detached. Probably some idiot in his 12 step group told him his partner has to stay on her side of the street whilst he recovers and that he needs to focus. And since he just can’t deal with 2 things at once, he’s asked for this time out, which to me makes no sense since I’m the one who’s been betrayed here!

But as Ann Hedonia said, taking it easy. What is 30 days in what’s supposed to take a lifetime to treat eh? Or perhaps never recover from...from the horror stories I’m reading here...

Edited May 11, 2021 by Lilo

[Chrissy]

Hi Lilo,

This absence is such a difficult thing to process.  There's a huge hole in your life; a sense of bereftness both physically and emotionally.  Huge sense of devastation. There's also a fear that he'll not return, or not want to.  It's that numbness that initially comes with bereavement.

I went through this a few years ago now as our therapist suggested a 'therapeutic separation'.  My ex-husband was completely oblivious to the angst and pain that he was causing so the therapist could see no other option for us than actually 'rescue' me. They wouldn't have necessarily  seen it that way and I definitely wouldn't have chosen that path.  During the first month I was 'beside myself' with grief and numbness. My adult children took steps so that if he wanted to talk to me all messages had to go via them, I had been married for 30 years.....on the Monday after he left I started a post grad. This actually gave me a focus although on occasion I had to ask for extensions for essays.

Lilo, is there something that you can do  for yourself ? Something that will absorb your time and energies? What are your interests?

This time is an opportunity for you. You're not mad. Yours is a normal reaction to his madness.

Big hug xx

 

[Lilo]

Hi Chrissy

Your message really helped me think, so thank you. I’m sorry I’ve taken a while to reply. My brain is in such a fog and I feel so weak and energy-less. Everything small thing takes effort. Even eating or sleeping. I have no appetite and I can’t sleep.

How is it now with your husband and yourself?

Your message started me thinking of my interests and I realized I haven’t really given it much thought. I like singing, and my partner is a musician. We used to jam together. I like travelling but now we can’t travel due to Covid. I’ve been thinking of taking up some horse riding lessons. 
 

a big hug to you.

love, Lilo 

[Chrissy]

Lilo, 

Thank you for your reply and just to say that what you are feeling is normal.

Have you thought anymore about the horse riding? Any other ideas?   Singing is such a gift and it can lift the spirit. Are there any ways of using your gift ? A choir? 

Unfortunately the therapeutic separation became permanent and led to divorce because his behaviour was not safe and I didn't feel safe around him. However each person has their own path which is unique to their situation.

Big hug

Chrissy xx

[Lilo]

Hi Chrissy

I’m so sorry to hear this, but I’m so glad that you’ve come a long way from this-so much so that you’re able to offer words of comfort to people like myself who are still reeling from the shock of it all.

Has it been long since the divorce? Married for 30yrs and you didn’t feel safe around him-how damn painful is that! Goodness. You’re alive and you’re strong....I’m taking strength from you. You’re so beautiful to be able to share this! 

I thought of resuming piano lessons. And starting to work out on my body. Lose about 7kg or so to start. Take slow steps to love myself. And love myself fiercely.

The brain fog has slowly started to lift. I met with a trauma therapist who did something called craniosacral therapy. I’ve only had one session. I was a huge mess. I was screaming and crying out so loud...and after the session, I felt awake suddenly. Like my body had finally reached some level of comfort. So I’m taking it slow.

To all partners out here reading this, I’m giving yall all the strength and love we need as a group who’s going through a level of pain that no one else in this world would understand except ourselves.  

I’m so grateful.

Love

lilo 

 

[Chrissy]

Hi Lilo,

How are you doing? Is the trauma therapist helping you make more sense of life?

Yes, feeling alive in your body and present in it is such an important step in the healing process. Being in connection with your emotions and beginning to feel able to express them...no matter how visceral they may make you feel or surprising or alarming is vital. 

My divorce went through in Nov 2018 and we'd been separated since  October 2016. 

I have been through a long process of counselling and therapy and I embraced it all as I knew the only to recover 'myself' was to open myself up to whatever needed healing in my life-from childhood to the present. Even since I finished the counselling about 2 1/2 years ago, I went through an existential crisis of 'who was I'.     Again I allowed myself to go through it.                                        I suppose it felt a bit like I was 18/19 again (except I was 56!!!!)  and had never gone through it before.

Big hug xx

[Feeling fragile]

How are you doing Lilo? I’m around 8 weeks post discovery for the 2nd time (first time was 2017) so also quite raw as well..: