stillinlove Posted January 23, 2021 Report Share Posted January 23, 2021 so i caught my partner in a lie. it was not a relapse, no porn, no contacts. he checked out my new dentist (female) who i felt surprisingly attracted to a lot, in this short moment. i told him and my best friend about it. one week later he scooped through the homepage of this clinic, to find out how this woman looks like. he did this at work and was not alone, so it was not quite for arousal. but what he did is, that he deletet his browsing history. i found out because there was an automatic download of the cv of one of the dentists on his notebook. so as i saw that i immediately knew, that he wanted to know what she looked like, because i told him that i got nervous about her. but as i asked him, why this cv was on his notebook he lied to me first about having tooth pain. afterwards he explained to me he felt ashamed for scooping and i kind of felt he invaded my privacy, what is so bigott as I am allowed to check his computer and stuff all the time I want. That he deleted his browsing activity. that is what really got to me. i am kind of frozen now. not want him to be my partner at this moment. we just moved in a new apartment 2 months ago. big but only two rooms. he is going to therapy, he is off porn. and then he lies to me about something he could have told me. he could have asked me, yeah well how dies she look? wouldn‘t that be normal? of course i wouldn‘t want him to tell me if he had fantasys about me and a other woman, i would have loved to be enough for quite a while further. but lying and hiding and then acting like a shocked little desperate boy. i really don‘t know what to make of it and I am very very sick of constantly helping him to grow, telling him how to act responsible.. how to share thoughts... I feel drained and exhausted for such a long time now. and there is nowhere to go, no getaway, not even meeting my friends who all life in my homecountry. as there are covid restrictions. maybe someone would share a thought. thank u all for reading and caring! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted January 25, 2021 Report Share Posted January 25, 2021 Thanks for sharing this. It shows that it is not 'just' the sexual acting out behaviour that hurts the partner. It is the lying and covering of tracks that hurts and also gives you a shock. The feeling of being frozen, sounds like you have gone into shock. Your body and mind doesn't know what to do with this new bit of information. It brings up all the old feelings of when you first discovered his sexual acting out behaviour. It is tiring work being the partner of someone in recovery from sex addiction or porn addiction, especially in this time of Covid restrictions. Your usual places to receive self-care and nurture are restricted. I hope the feeling of shock will start to wear off. I have included a link to a blog on how the body deals with shock which I hope can help you: https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/how-the-body-is-affected-following-the-discovery-of-sex-or-porn-addiction It is good that he is in therapy and it would be good if he can talk about this situation with his therapist, as it was secretive behaviour and if he discusses it, he can then work out why he did what he did. This can then help for the future and also start to repair the damage he has done in your level of trust with him. Take care Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stillinlove Posted January 27, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2021 Dear Ginny! I really felt your answer and it helped me understand myself and breathe! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted February 8, 2021 Report Share Posted February 8, 2021 Glad my answer helped. Sorry for the late reply! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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