Dating Apps and Porn combination

[Southerner95]

Hello, 

In my teenage years and early twenties I developed a compulsive behaviour whereby I used porn and dating apps simultaneously, using the former as a kind of arousal 'fuel', with the latter providing a slot machine style reward. 

I am now in my mid-twenties and in a healthy relationship, but wanted to share this as it may be helpful for other people who have combined dating apps and porn in compulsive behaviour. 

After watching the Social Dilemma on Netflix recently - it's great - I thought a lot about how dating apps are engineered and the expensive UX testing to ensure users remain on them for as long as possible. These apps are designed for profit, not user welfare. Various apps make it a longwinded process to delete them, and I found myself in a constant cycle of deleting and reinstalling the apps. 

Finally, it's worth mentioning that I would not have used either porn or dating apps as compulsively as I did - often staying up most of the night - in isolation of the other. I never watched porn all night or used dating apps all night on their own. It was the combination of both that seemed the formula of my compulsive behaviour. 

After contacting a popular mental health charity about my behaviour, I was told that porn was not something they had any support in place for, and sent me links to various places including Laurel Centre. While I bare no grudge of this, I think it shows that our more holistic mental health services don't really have dating apps and porn high on their radar. 

As mentioned, I wanted to put this out there in case others had experienced any compulsive behaviour linked to both porn and dating apps. Thanks!

[Ann Hedonia]

I really appreciate hearing this perspective on what, as a partner, seems a baffling course of behaviour.  Whilst being angry beyond all imagination, hurt, betrayed, etc, I have also hung on to a great deal of compassion for my partner, and admiration for his courage in facing this.  Your explanation helps me do this better.  Thank you.  

[midlandslad]

Just finding my way here today after being discovered by my partner engaging in this exact porn / dating app nexus. Thank you for sharing this experience - I can really relate, and I also have the experience of prolonged 'sessions' of use being fueled by a process of going between / from a dating app, to a sex worker website where I'll buy adult pornographic content, often in short clips or image galleries, and finally onto more mainstream pornography.

 

MY partner discovered by compulsive pornography and adult content issues yesterday, after I once again downloaded a dating app and didn't take the notifications off. Somehow this stuff has become so locked away in my head as being something I do in private that has no relationship with my other relationship that I'd just let my guards down. Insane. The thing she is most hurt by is how I've used the dating app - she says she can understand the buying of content more, but cannot get her head around using the dating app and how this connects. I've struggled to explain it to myself, but seeing your experience has really helped me realised I'm doing the same thing, and is a way to explain how the two things are seperate in my head ( although not in hers, which I understand).