Don't know where to start, back to square one

[badirene]

I don't know where to start really, this is my first time here and posting for help, so please excuse if this is in the wrong place.

 

I have been with my partner 21 years, in year 16 I found out that he has been cheating with a co-worker, when confronted he ended things with her and claimed he was cheating as I was ill with depression and he felt he had "lost" me at that time. I went to counselling, went back to my GP and worked on getting better. I blamed myself for all that had happened (On reflection he was eager to blame me too) and worked hard to try to reconnect with him. One year on I found a phone hidden in our bedroom, when I turned it on there was no calls, or numbers saved, just nothing, checked the internet history and it had a gmail account with the password saved. I know it was wrong to log in but I did. I discovered he had been using sex workers for about 6 years, I saw the emails, appointment times, "services" he ordered and how much he paid, he was a member of an escort website that allowed you to book women and then leave reviews after. I have read his reviews of his experiences, seen photos of these women and my heart was broken all over again. He claimed this was a compulsion for him, that it was nothing to do with me or anything I have done and he went to counselling while angry at me, life and being discovered. He then decided that he needed time apart to help us reset and get back on track, he moved out temporarily (three nights a week) to give us space to heal and work together to be more united. He moved back home full time after 8 months. That was two years ago, last week his first affair partner showed up at our home to speak with him, he told her to go away he never wanted to see her again. She came back the next evening to again speak with him. It turns out during the time he was healing and needed space he was still seeing her and then coming to me on the other nights. He has been in contact with her to various degrees since I first found out about them cheating. It ended up with me consoling her on the doorstep and hugging her when she broke down crying.

 

She has been in the background of our relationship for the last five years, it has now emerged he has been cheating for about half of the time we have been together, in one 18 month period he joined 27 different no strings attached hook up sites, he has spent a lot of money on escorts and web cam sites, it is endless. I feel numb, this is my third time dealing with discovery and I don't know if I have the energy for it again. Her turning up at our home frightened him, and he has for the first time volunteered himself to go to counselling, he has found and booked an appointment for a therapist who specialises in sexual addiction and seems eager to engage with them. But I just feel numb, I swing between anger, grief and numbness, sometimes I think I am doing OK but then it all hits me again like a wave, I cannot eat and am lost. He is making all the right noises about getting help, but he also said and did all the same things when I discovered his infidelity twice before and within weeks he was back cheating again. How do I know what it genuine any more and how do I keep my own head above water while I decide what I want long term? I have a background of childhood sexual abuse and my boundaries and self esteem are not good, I sometimes feel he is with me because I am easy to manipulate and blame for his actions, his behaviour feels familiar to me as it feels so similar to my childhood abuse. When I discovered his use of escorts he told me that it was because I was abused as a child, that when he is with me that is all he sees or thinks about. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Firefly]

Hi Irene, You are certainly in the right place. I am sorry to hear your pain. I certainly don’t see you as “bad Irene”!!

Reading your story is heartbreaking and your emotions are typical. 

If you have not already read them, these blogs may be helpful:

https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction--selfcare

https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/mind-body-and-soul-betrayal--part-3

I hope that other partner posts may help you as well. You are not alone.

Take care. 

Firefly

[Maeday]

Hi Irene, 

I just read your post and wanted to say that you sound like a very strong woman. I don't know if it will help you, but Relate offer excellent couple counselling and have sex therapists who deal with the feelings SA brings from both sides. 

It must be a very confusing time for you and it's heartbreaking to hear that this feeling is 'familiar' due to past trauma. I understand your comment because I spent a long time accepting appalling treatment because that familiar feeling somehow felt safe (even though it was the absolute opposite). 

Please remember that you are not alone. You are dealing with mind blowing, life changing issues and have a right to be heard and have your feelings understood and respected.

Sending love 

M

[badirene]

Thank you both for your replies, I have managed to get a place in a support group for partners of sex addicts, my first meeting is tonight. They have been very kind but I am very anxious about what the actual meeting will be like, I am at the point of crying about just about everything but I so need support. It feels impossible to confide in friends or family about this because it just doesn't feel real and if I say it out loud to them it becomes real and I can no longer ignore the impact this is having on me.

[Ginny]

Dear Irene, how did the support group go?  I hope it was a place you feel you can be yourself and let out all the pain and hurt, as well as hear information on how to move forward in your life.  Sending peace your way.  Ginny

[badirene]

The group was very helpful, I somehow got the courage to tell the group what had been happening, I felt choked with tears and the other people there actually cried for me. I was overwhelmed that these lovely, kind people had so much compassion and empathy for me, that they understood exactly how I felt as they have walked this path before me. I spoke about how humiliated I am, how much shame I carry about what he does, others in the group told how they had felt the same and how they have grow in strength and understanding for themselves, the group is not focused on the sex addict but on the need for self compassion for the partner of the addict. It has been a revelation becoming a part of that group, a lifeline for me. I have a long way to go but I don't feel so alone any more.

[IamEnough]

Badirene, I’m glad the support group was a good experience. I would like to tap into this support network too. I’m in desperate need . Was it the one organised by the Laurel centre?