Help dealing with a relapse :(

[Eliza]

Hi everyone, I've not been on this forum for a while but I think I just needed to get this all out and maybe hear experiences from others if anyone has anything to share.

I discovered my husband's sex addiction in October 2017 - a drip feed truth of pretty much the full accolade of acting out behaviours - fantasizing, porn,  flirting on Tinder & Ashley Madison, sex with other women (ex girlfriends and sex workers), I think the only thing he hadn't done was a full blown affair.  He racked up £5k debts on a secret credit card and he lost his job the week I found out.

Ever since then he has been in recovery, it's also been a tumultuous time for us as he lost about 5 jobs in succession (kept failing probation).  He's been to SLAA (started off well, going every week - this fizzled out after a while though...), has a sponsor, has done a bit of individual therapy (though not much as we just haven't been able to afford it), and the London Laurel Centre therapy group.  I've also done the Laurel Centre partner course. In the last year or so we'd been doing couples counselling; this combined with the fact that he had done the London Laurel Centre course had given me hope and he seemed to be doing really well. As a couple we had worked on our relationship and intimacy and I was proud to say that we had sex again for the first time in about 4 years (we had struggled with this even before I discovered the addiction). We have a daughter together and we had discussed wanting to try for another child - I was so happy we had got to the point where we could start trying again.

I'm not saying he hasn't had slips... there have been a few occasions where I have caught him out and he's had to go back to his sponsor, to therapy etc - for example mid-last year I found him following porn accounts on Twitter.  There have been a few occasions where I have discovered him lying to me, even about small things. But every time he always seems to do the 'right' thing and gets out his books, goes to a SLAA group, says he's working on it.

Well, 2 weeks ago I discovered that he had been lying to me about spending money on a credit card. He'd spent over £500 on it back in February-April of this year and hid it from me. I've seen the statements - it was primarily on food! He tends to spend money / overeat as a sideline to his addiction. The week before that I had found him following accounts / liking posts on Instagram that I didn't think were appropriate (pretty females). I was gutted. He insisted to me "that was it", and I just didn't buy it. Long story short, he eventually came out with (what he says is) the whole truth of his relapse - but only after I insisted multiple times and pleaded with him to be truthful - to himself - because otherwise, how can he progress? It was a drip feed truth again, unfortunately. But it's come out that he still ogles/fantasises about women, he's watched porn on Instagram occasionally and has flirted with women via Instagram too - all since around August last year. As well as obviously, the spending on the credit card and lying to me.  

I'm a realistic person, I have stayed with him and I have supported him (and myself) as best I can - I knew there would likely be slips and relapses. But the lying is what I find the most difficult  Simply put, I just feel that I still cannot trust him, and I don't know how we can build that trust up when he keeps lying and hiding things. Any slips that have been discovered have always been discovered by ME, he has not proactively come forward and owned up to any slips or relapses with his sponsor, support group or therapist. What's more, he's been telling all those individuals and groups, and me, how well he's been doing in recovery - only to find he hasn't been doing as well as he made out. 

I don't know quite what the point of this post is but I just wanted to express how gutted I am, I guess. It's just difficult. It's been 3 years dealing with this and his recovery and this feels like a big setback. I feel upset and exhausted. I feel like our hard work rebuilding intimacy will go to waste as I don't feel I can be in that place now. It's certainly, as I'm sure is normal, been very triggering for me and taken me back to how I felt when I first discovered the addiction. I don't know how I feel towards him right now, and I'm worried about his ability to be honest - and will he ever get there?

How do other partners, who are still with their husbands, deal with relapses?

[IamEnough]

Hi Eliza- sorry I’m not really able to respond in the way that you need because I am only a few months past discovery- although if I’m honest I DID  know what was happening on several previous occasions, but felt able only to live in denial and compromise for many years. What a huge mistake that was. So I can’t really answer any questions about relapse; all I can say is that although my husband is right now apparently fully committed to recovery, I can’t imagine how it would feel to discover a relapse in months/ years to come.  Especially if we had resumed some kind of sex life (miraculously, as now that feels Like an impossible goal) 

All I can say is, I hope your years of hard work haven’t gone to waste- it does all sound so exhausting. I’m so sorry x

[Sunflower]

Eliza, I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I too can’t comment as I’m 15 months in and only 7 months in from full disclosure. I can’t imagine what my reaction would be to relapse. I tell myself if it was pornography viewing i’d cope. But anything more feels like it would be the end. But who knows what I would actually feel or do! 

[Feeling fragile]

This could have partially been written by me. How are you doing?

[Lucyredhead]

Hi

I'm struggling with finding out my husband has an addiction to porn and escorts even tho he has assured me he has not met up with any he has had online encounters with them I have found a few messages on his phone. He has always begged my forgiveness and said it won't happen again then a few months down the line it happens like just a few days ago he asked me to clean his smart watch and I came across a whatsapp message from an online sex worker inviting him to watch her live videos.

I don't know where to start my recovery from this I am emotionally numb and haven't let this sink in I love my husband but I don't want to be a doormat either. Him knowing I will keep forgiving him. 

[NoName]

Just reaching out to say I was so sorry to read this. My heart aches for you. It’s  devastating without relapse, and this is just every horror coming real. So  hard with a kid too. I hope you’re looking after yourself as best you can. It really doesn’t sound like he’s in recovery- he can’t have hit his rock bottom that would make him truly want to rid himself of it. 

[Jmpc68]

Hi @Lucyredhead I agree it really doesn’t sound like he is working on recovery. 
You must start putting your well being first, look into getting yourself some therapy and educate yourself as much as possible, not just about his addiction but about your trauma recovery. I always say Robert Weiss is excellent. Wetonglen and Paula Hall’s book for partners. Take care and reach out if you need anything