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  1. Hello Ian i see that you first posted back in September. How are you getting on? Have you managed to kick it out of your life? If you have, well done. If you keep finding yourself drawn back to it then that is not unusual. Relapses are commonplace with addictions. But they shouldn't mean you give up trying. Did you get yourself some help at all? A group or a therapist? If not then one or both of those things might be the level of support that will help you make the life changes necessary. There are therapists out there who specialise in this area. There are all sorts of face to face or online groups made up of people who are going through what you are now facing. You don't need to face this alone.
  2. Hi Ali this must have been a devastating shock for you. It's very hard to discover that the person you thought you knew very well has a part in their life that they have kept secret Many partners would describe similar responses to yours. Such as feeling that they haven't been enough for their partners sexually, losing confidence in themselves, feeling the need to uncover their suspicions by playing detective but being very uncomfortable in doing that, and feeling they would find it hard to ever fully trust their partner again. i would echo PJs comments about being honest with your boyfriend and being clear with him on what you expect in a relationship. I would also recommend reading Paula Halls book on the Partners Perspective as well. If you could get your boyfriend to read both books, for the addict and for the partner it might help him understand his own situation and the effect his compulsive porn viewing is having on you and his own life. Good luck.
  3. Hi thank you for your very honest share here. Your life sounds a real struggle for you now and you have experienced much pain and trauma in your troubled past I feel that finding connection with others in an intimate but not sexual way is what you are currently missing. Any recovery work that involves a group where you can find fellowship amongst others who will not judge and who will have understanding about your situation will be of most benefit. I think that you are referring to the intensive Hall Recovery course which would be beneficial to you, but as you say is also expensive. If money is an issue could you try to find another SAA or SLAA group where you might feel more comfortable and park some of the reservations you have about the approach? Good luck
  4. Hi. It sounds like your fantasies are becoming a problem for you and may be getting out of control. It may be having a negative impact on other aspects of your life such as concentration on your work, your relationship and perhaps your social life. It would be interesting to work out how much of your day is spent in your day dreaming! Fantasies are in themselves not abnormal or problematic, but it's what you then want to do about them and the impact it has on your life that can become problematic. Try to seek some help from groups like SAA or SLAA, or a specialist therapist from ATSAC site Try to find replacement activities to keep your mind busy elsewhere. You could also try, when you're aware of where your thoughts have gone to, to concentrate your thoughts on to something else. Good luck.
  5. Well done for making the first step in trying to stop what seems like a compulsive pattern of behaviour, and for trying to salvage your marriage. Have you managed to stay stopped since posting? It can be very hard and most people need to seek help. There are many ways to get help. I would suggest you read Paula Halls book "Understanding & Treatiing Sex Addiction" for addicts and suggest your wife reads the one for partners too. Then try to get yourself onto a group program, such as Paula Halls intensive recovery courses or a 12 Step group such as SAA or SLAA. It is also worth having some one to one Counselling to better understand how you became addicted and support in your recovery. There are a number of specialist counsellors who work in this field. Find the one locally to you through the ATSAC website. Good luck , Geraldine.
  6. Hello Clare I am a counsellor and one of Paula Hall's Associates I can feel that this is an extremely distressing and difficult time for you and your husband right now. It seems from what you write here that you are being as supportive as you can be, whilst trying to facilitate your husbands facing up to his problems and taking responsibility for seeking help and aiming for recovery. It does indeed sound like sex addiction and trying to get him to go regularly to a group programme will hopefully get him on the road to working through his recovery. 12 step groups like SAA or SLAA can be very helpful. Or trying to encourage him to attend an intensive programme, like the kind that Paula runs (or other similar providers) You mention some underlying difficulties that your husband has from a troubled past. I tend to agree with your view that they may have led to his addictions. Seeking some one to one Counselling could help him work through these. I feel that you need some support for yourself to help you get through the pain of the impact his addictions are having on you. There is a 12 step group called COSA or other partner programmes. There are some very helpful books for partners such as Paula's or Stephanie Carnes called "Mending a shattered heart" Taking care of yourself is really important at times like these. Good luck. Geraldine
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